Heyy!! Sorry this took so so so long, there was a lot to think about here! :) Anyway, in general this was a well thought out and organized story. Even though it is relatively long for a one shot, it is necessary to give it the amount of depth that you did. Sitting down to a review is such a routine for me now, and its always lovely to stumble across someone who can actually write and edit their own mistakes. This was really a pleasure to read, and you are an undeniably experienced and talented writer. Your beginning is SO solid. Something that stands out through what I have read of your work is your ability to create your own little world for each scene. Your descriptions aren’t annoyingly wordy, and they are woven in here and there to create a perfect picture of your scene. This is wonderful because it really shows that you know exactly what you want to put down on paper, and there are never any holes in your plots. Another thing I noticed reading the second and third paragraphs was your vocabulary and sentence structure. They are so good that Im not even thinking about them while Im reading! Its so nice not to have to analyze grammar instead of enjoy a plot. Hahaha I can tell that you had fun with this… it really comes across as creepy and dark and mysterious, which is what you were going for I believe :) You have, quite well, conveyed the panic of slow, inevitable torture… Something I noticed about half way through was the way you cut off your sentences sometimes in your character’s thoughts. This style of writing thoughts and words makes it believable and it just seems like that could actually be someone’s thought process. I mean, no one’s thoughts are eloquently written paragraphs the way people tend to write them. This added significantly to the tension and atmosphere of the setting. rnrnI am so glad you used Occlumency! It is amazing and oddly enough, I don’t see it in fanfiction very much. I love how you have used it, and those little things subconsciously add a lot to your story. Something else that jumped out at me was that Draco was smoking… I actually thought that was an awesome little addition. (so hot) I think my favorite part of this story was the way you wrote Draco. If you really think into it, you have created an incredibly complex Draco here. I dont know if you did all of this on purpose or not, but I kept picking up on little things that made me incredibly fixated on your characterization of him by the end of the story. You have exaggerated canon a bit to make everything eerie but still in character and believable. It isn’t out of character for Draco to be slightly different because you refer back to the way he used to be, creating a change as oppose to an alteration in his actual personality. That was a very smart way to make this story work, and adds to the believability that Draco would be so evil. The way Draco talks really reminds me of Lucius. Especially when he says “Do I detect a flicker of fear within you?”—I could just see Lucius right there. It makes total sense for Draco to go a little crazy because of his father and then more or less become him. It is interesting how he mentions his father in the beginning. I can see a whole side plot about Draco’s family issues going on here, which is just one more thing that makes this deep and mysterious. No matter how tough and slightly out of character Draco seems, he is still acting just like Draco underneath everything. He is still so completely insecure and desperate, which shows right through the toughness he is putting out there. When you really sit down and look at this story you have created such an incredibly deep Draco! I find it intruiging…rnrnYour Ron and Hermione scene off to the side added depth to the plot in general by putting things in perspective. Seeing a different look at the situation from someone outside the creepy chamber rounded it off and really unified your story. Even though it is short, I liked where you chose to include it. The only character issue that I had trouble visualizing was Harry crying. I mean, he never cried facing Voldemort, which is way more frightening than Draco, and he never cried when in excruciating pain. Also, what happens to him usually impacts the entire world and that is pressure, but he doesn’t cry. I know this situation is ridiculously frightening, but as it is another sick, personal Draco plot, I think Harry would force himself to bear it. Also, why is the ending so happy all of the sudden? After such unimaginable torture, I don’t see the trio skipping off into the sunset so to speak. It does work, and I love where you ended it as far as the Draco part, but I would just expect Harry to be swept off to the Hospital Wing or to have to sit in his dormitory brooding for a while. rnrnMaybe a few little careless spelling errors I thought I would point out...rnrn"Horrible thoughts ate up his conscience, ones of peril- him being burned, falling into the pit, writhing and screaming, moaning voicelessly, because nonone would hear." -- 'nonone' should be 'no one' haharnrn"Though in the end, it was too much, and he surrended, falling into a collapse."-- 'surrended' should be 'surrendered'rnrn"It must have been a while later, when he finally awoke, because the flames were now climbing higher and higer, grappling for something, or someone new to burn."-- 'higer' should be 'higher'rnrn"It didn't add up in the east."-- 'east' I believe should be 'least'rnrn"Where was Ron and Hermione?"-- 'where was' should be 'where were'rnrn"I know they're awful, but at least they will be able to find him much easily then we shall be able to.”-- much more easily? This sentence is a little confusing. Hahaha I think you can tell, I did like this. It was creepy and cool and fun, on top of your amazing ability to write. Just in general it was so well done!! :)Author's Response: I can't, still can't understand how you did this! I've looked over it again and again, but still, the reason escapes me. I know I write long reviews, but no way as detailed and masterful as this. How did you do it? I seem to be more impressed by your review then anything else in it, which isn't true! Lol. I am just so pleased that you liked it, and am finding it hard to spread out this take on your reading to as long as this review. I will do it, but it's gonna take some time. Luckily, for me, it's twenty to ten in the night so I have all the time in the world for answering this. Thanks for saying that my beginning is solid. That means a lot. ^ ^ I do tend to make the description as long as possible in the one shots, but not in everything else, but as you picked up, I didn't want to leave the setting to the reader's imagination. I really wanted to make them feel really uncomfortable, because this fic definetely deserved an explanation as to where Harry was, and the point of view from his character. I find Harry an interesting character, because on the top, he's the most general of the world, but there's so much more to him than meets the eye. For example, I know I'm rushing ahead here but what you mentioned about the crying has got a lot to do with it. I actually did suspect people to pick up on that, because you're right. It's not in his character to do that. However, I can't help imagining that if the pain really was too horrible, he would cry. J.K. might not have written it, but I can hear it in this piece. Maybe that's because I am sticking up for it in an embarassing protective way from the author's perspective. I can't answer everything you're saying, but the point about Draco smoking is something I really liked. I really love writing him as that!!!!
(Rachel) Report Review
Hey there, Snitchsista! I must begin with congratulating you; you are so talented! I really enjoyed this piece a LOT. I am, too, a big fan of Draco and Harry's intense dislike and rivalry, and this was such an impressive interpretation of it. This story was one out of very few which managed to make me forget that I was reading fan fiction; for a moment there I thought it really was JK who’d written it, lol.
And wow, psychotic!Draco, smoking, being bad boy is… HOT! I loved it, it was so brilliant. And please, don’t worry about putting too much description into a story; I personally cannot get enough of it! It was so perfect; you painted the image of the scene with the cage just perfectly. Can't find any other way to put it, haha! You write so well, hopefully I'll one day be able to write stories as great as this one is. But I’ve got loads of work to do; English is my second language, lol! Oh well, I can't wait to read more of your writing. 10/10, and rest assured I'd give you more if possible! =D
Author's Response: Well, hello there Linnea. Wow, what a cool name! ^ ^ Thank you so much for saying that, but really, don't believe it. There are far better authors on this site. I'm really shocked, but honestly pleased with the reaction to this piece. You are? Oh, fantastic! Yeah! That's a total of three on this site who love their rivalry, me included. We should set up a website dedicated to it! Lolll. Really? That's so generous of you to say that, because I don't think so! I thought Draco would come across as horribly out of character, but I think that's what I wanted to portray in this little piece; that he could be in character, but with a twist.
I love writing him when he's a psycho. Some people frown the idea because they're such canon people, who follow J.K's every step, and that's absolutely fine. Everyone's different, but what I wanted to put here was a twist, and an evil twist. ^ ^ Draco smoking is always an image that stands out in my mind is so cool. Really? You enjoyed the description? That's fantastic. I really wanted to set the scene. Thanks so very much, but really, I've added you as a favourite author because your stories look ten times better then mine!! Thanks again, really. It means millions.
**Hugs** Report Review
HOLY CRAP!!! Most. Brilliant. Story. Ever written!!! Haha. I'm sorry, I just love my angsty dark and torturous fics. Ok, so where to begin?
The first thing that stood out to me was the amazing description. I had no idea what or where this place was that Harry was in, but I could picture it SO perfectly in my head, with the cage, and the spikes, and the fire, and everything. You should get an award for best description, lol.
Also, the dialogue was perfect. Oh my God. Draco was so frickin scary. I was sitting on the edge of my seat for Harry, lol. But God do I love to see him tortured ... I'm strange that way. Oh, it was so great. I loved the darkness of it. You should write more horror/dark fics. I just know they would be amazing.
And I loved your Draco. He was so insanely psychotic and scary. Just how I like him. :) Gave me the chills, lol. Oh and I also must point out that the image of Draco smoking a cigarette = HOTT!! :-P
So yeah, this review is officially long enough. Amazing. As always. And I'm definitely adding to my favorites. Wonderful, wonderful job. Maybe next time you can make Draco suffer a little ... that would be fun to read. ;)
JessicaAuthor's Response: Most. Brilliant. Review. Ever written. Haha. I'm sorry, I just love your reviews. Lol. I mean it. I do. You know, you're the first person to say that they like Draco as a pyscho! (Apart from me) I am so happy that I'm not the only one. :)
Really? I'm surprised, as I did write this at half past two in the morning! Maybe I was so into the magic of the story that I didn't know what I was doing, but it all sort of spilled out. Wow. No I shouldn't. There are so many other authors on this site that deserve that, but definetely not me!
The dialogue was....... alright, alright. Turn the lights on. Wake me up. Am I, have I been dreaming this whole review? I can't believe how nice you're being about it. To be perfectly honest, I thought that people would hate it, and tell me I didn't have Draco in character, yadda yadda, which I wouldn't have minded, but still.
You liked it? Oh wow. You do? This is so cool! Do you have MSN by any chance? It would be so cool to talk! :) I know, so was I, and I was the one writing it. I was just like, "Harry, it's alright. Harry, you'll be fine." But all the while hoping that this would turn out happy. Oh, I have done! Lol. In fact most of my stories are dark/horror! :) If you thought this was psychotic, I would advise you to read either all or if not just chapter twenty one **The Ravings Of Draco Malfoy** which is located in my Death Eater story on the second page. Draco is a complete psycho! Enjoy, if you do.
I always have him smoking. I don't know why, but I love the bad boy thing that goes with it. I love to imagine him sitting there, smoking, taking long drags and yes, I know, Draco smoking is a HOTT! image. **And I bet he knows it!** :) LOL.
Thanks so much, Jessica. This review has given me such a boost of personal confidence. :) Maybe, I could do a revenge Harry one shot, where Harry avenges Draco for what he did to him? Ideas ideas ideas......... and I will. I'm off!
1000/10 for your review!
email: firstname.lastname@example.org, if ever you would like my MSN address, and a good ole' natter! Lol. Report Review
Wow, that was good!Author's Response: (Does a stammering Ron voice) Ur ur thanks! ^ ^ Report Review
wow this was soo scarry!Author's Response: Hope you liked it though!? LOL. Don't worry. I am relieved it provoked that reaction. That's exactly what I wanted to do. Report Review
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