This chapter is a lot better technically than your first one, so well done on that front. However, I do have a few concerns. You wrote Lily's inner-conflict well, but you need to be really careful to not stray into cliche territory and make her fall for him immediately. You're only into chapter two and she's already getting tiny inklings for him; I think you should pace the relationship a lot more. Plus, when I read the whole 'sharing dorms' thing, I felt my heart drop a little. Not because of the way you wrote it, but because it's been done (badly, might I add,) so many times. Again, you'll need to be very careful when writing this so as to not verge off into a string of cliches.

Other than that, I'm also a little disheartened that Peter hasn't had any lines in the story yet. He's a Marauder to; I think the story would benefit if he had an equal role to Sirius and Remus in it. But then again, it's your choice. I know not many people enjoy writing Peter after it was revealed what he did later on in the canon story.

I think you have a nice little plot device here with the Felix Felicis. I wonder what James'd do if he had it, hmm...

Hope I wasn't too harsh :] Good luck with the rest of the story!

~Saint

Author's Response: hmm. I was worried about Lily falling for Jmaes too fast. i might need to do something about that. The sharing dorms thing, well i was thinking about getting rid of that aswell. As for peter, he'll come in soon. And yes, the felix felicis will be very interesting.

Thanks!
Kaleigh




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Hey :]

To start with, your dialogue isn't something to apologise for. It's clean, easy to read and straight to the point. To make it even easier though, I'd make sure the dialogue is paragraphed correctly (there's one error within the story with two lines of dialogue being put together when they should be separated,) and also put anything which is internal (such as Lily's thought about when the deaths are going to end) in italics. I would also put the letter at the bottom in italics or bold, just to alert the reader visually that it's a letter :]

Other than that, there's a couple of other things I picked up on. Firstly, the Great Hall should be capitalised. It's a place, right? :] Secondly, when Lily asks rhetorically "Why me?" there should be a question mark instead of a exclamation mark. Even if she didn't mean for it to be answered, it makes more sense if it has a question mark at the end of it.

I'm really glad you put Alice in this story as a friend of Lily's, I'm interested to see what you'll do with her and Frank in the story :]] Well done on the Chapter.

~ Saint

Author's Response: Thnaks, your the first person to actually give me alot of feedback.
Alot of the time when I post the chapters im ina rush, so I really do need to go back and fix those errors.

kaleigh

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That took a long time, but it was worth the wait please write more sooner, it kills me. 11000 :D

Author's Response: I know, I'm sorry! I will, promise;)

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Very good chapter! I really enjoyed reading it! ;D

You have written the story and the characters very well. I especially love the way Lily is having an arguement with herself over whether she likes James or not. And the way James and Lily interact with each other is sweet and cute.

Anyway, I can't wait to reading the next chapter and that I'm going to add this fanfic to my favourites :D

10/10

Author's Response: Thanks:) Sorry it took so long!

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I like it :D you have got it off to a great start

Author's Response: Thank you!

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I really like this story its really good please write more.

Author's Response: Thanks Im getting there

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this story is coming along great, i can't wait for the following chapters. please continue the story! great job!1

Author's Response: Thank you!!! Your like, the first person in like, five million to not tell me the kids are the wrong ages.

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Hi! Nice chapter, I hope you'll post again soon! Toodles!

Author's Response: Thanks:D

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this is really interesting. im leaving a review because i know how much they are needed . i am writing a story too J/L and i think that yours is probably a little more interesting . this is really cute. the dialogue isnt annoying at all. people talk, right?? i cant wait for the next chapter! update soon!

Author's Response: Thanks :DDDD good i was hoping that it wouldn't annoy people.:DDDD

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I think your story is very interesting, I love James and Lily fan fics

Update soon :)

Author's Response: Thanks :D Your the first person to review that story:DDDDD

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