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Reading Reviews for Zelus
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SnowFairy24 The Party Suprise

22nd July 2009:
I really like where you're going with this story. :P

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm actually in the process of re-writing this so if you check back soon I will hopefully have got more of the new chapters up.
Thanks for the review.


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Review #2, by The Golden Trio The Party Suprise

20th May 2008:
Good chappie! I think that Draco's idea sounds like a good plan. :-)

xoxo TGT

Author's Response: thanks
xx


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Review #3, by The Golden Trio A Birthday Trip

20th May 2008:
I liked the way you described the dress and the encounter with the girls in the coffee shop. But I think you pasted the beginning twice. ;-)

xoxo TGT

Author's Response: oopsie I shall check that out now.
thanks,
xx


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Review #4, by The Golden Trio Chapter One

20th May 2008:
Great start! I like how the story is going so far...I wonder who she is going to marry? Draco maybe??? :-)

xoxo TGT

Author's Response: thanks, it is a possiblity

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Review #5, by onestop_hpfan18 The Party Suprise

19th March 2008:
Another great job. This is getting interesting. They're going to end up really falling for each other, aren't they? I only found a couple mistakes that must have been missed. In a couple of places you misspelled conversation as 'convocation' and you misspelled front as font. Other than those little spelling mistakes there was nothing wrong. The chapter was nicely written and smoothed together in a nice fluid motion. Keep up the great writing. 10/10

Author's Response: ah, the bad spelling has come to light. my beta is doing an amazing job of going through and checking my chapters but I hadn't redone that one yet.
thanks, alexa


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Review #6, by onestop_hpfan18 A Birthday Trip

19th March 2008:
Great description. I also enjoyed the interaction between her and Draco. It almost appears at the end of this chapter that Draco knows who she is to be arranged to...him...? Again, great chapter. I didn't see any mistakes in this one either and it flowed nicely together like the first chapter did. I'm off to read and review the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you again

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Review #7, by onestop_hpfan18 Chapter One

19th March 2008:
This is an interesting start to a story that has potential to grow into a great story about arranged marriages and how the people involved in the set-ups are effected by their parents' choices. I didn't find any mistakes. Great job on this chapter and now I'm off to the next.

Author's Response: thanks so much for reading these
xx


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Review #8, by jess_k The Party Suprise

28th February 2008:
I loved this chapter. Your writing has improved out of sight! Her thoughts are a brilliant as ever and her dialogue is much improved. I still think that she could have been more angry. Maybe it was not the place in this chapter but i hope to see her really loose it in future chapters. She has a right, I mean how dare they plan her whole life! What is a girl ment to do?

Now I'm only going to give you an 8/10 because I'm saving the 9 & 10 for the perfect chapter that I know you can achieve.

Great chapter and good luck with the next, =] jess_k

Author's Response: wow thanks so much for your reviews they have been so helpful and honest. I'll incorperate your suggestions and my own worries about her passiveness into the next chapters.
Thanks again, xx


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Review #9, by jess_k A Birthday Trip

28th February 2008:
Not a bad chapter but not a great chapter.

Evangeline seems a bit weak, put some fire in her character. Make her bold and give her some passion. That may not be the type of character your after but she needs something. If she should be really upset about this party/arrangement, but she says, "This party arrangement was really annoying" like it was just something that had to be done. Not like it might decided who she marries, which should be a big deal!

My other thought was Luna Lovegood? There is no way that Draco would be caught dead with one of Luna's friends. And she does say that she doesn't want to be disowned by her family. Hanging out with Luna big no-no. Not that you couldn't have her being friends with Luna but it would have to be a secret from her family. So you need to explain that a bit better.

But there were some great points to the chapter. The way Evangeline describes her brother and her familly and the little bits of humor and the blue and green spotted parka and the red flower earings and the dress. Her thoughts fill the chapter with a wonderful flavour and colour.

7/10

Room to improve but still good. I hope you make the fourth chapter great and that my advice helps.
=] jess_k

Author's Response: I know I'm not happy with this chapter either. I'm trying to write the next chapters at the moment with her as some sort of an interesting person. Here's hoping she will have some spice next time.
xx


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Review #10, by jess_k Chapter One

26th February 2008:
Well you see I was putting my banner on Tinypic so I could get it to work and I saw at the bottom of the page another Harry Potter banner. I thought, 'that looks interesting maybe I can find it on HPFF'. And I did and i'm very glad because it is a really great story. I like this character Evangeline and I really want to read the next few chapters about this party - except my sister in nagging me to get off the computer so I'll have to read them later but it's been added to favourites.
=] 10/10

Author's Response: ahh thanks so much. I know my banner is good, I could never make one that good.
hope you like the other chapters.
xx


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Review #11, by harrylilyjames The Party Suprise

18th December 2007:
I dont want to repeat myself, but the number thing again.
In the first paragraph, 'Father' should have a small 'f'.
there are a couple of grammar mistakes.
“Yer… so when did you find out about this thing?”- what is he talking about? as they both said when they found out about getting married.
'Fathers my not think'- you used 'my' instead of 'might'.
You could add more detail because i felt that this chapter went past too fast for the amount of scenes to happen in it.
But i cannot wait for you to update!! =D and i hope you keep me posted on when you do! xxx

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm re-reading it and will edit when I get time.
xx
Merry Christmas


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Review #12, by harrylilyjames A Birthday Trip

18th December 2007:
Hey
One mistake that jumped up at me, and probably because i just sat down and started to read was 'more' instead of 'morning' at the very beginning of this chapter.

Instead of '12' write twelve.

I thought Luna was a bit of a loner, with no friends?

'both grabbed their coats as I made for the door'- to me it doesn't seem to flow, what about- both of them grabbed their coats as i made my way towards the door?

When your talking about her eyes getting use to the light, you said 'when I had'- 'I' should be 'they' as you are talking about the eyes the sentence before, so you are still talking about her eyes getting use to the brightness of the shop.

I like they way she thinks about her family and not wanting to be disowned by them, it seems really realistic.

'so stop being such a dick'- haha, i laughed at this sentence =D.

When she's stepping into muggle London- you say 'it was so funny'- sorry, but what was funny?

OK, I don't want you to think that I completely dislike your story, because i don't I actually LOVE it!! They are just some things for you to help! I'm going to read the next chappie!! =D

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Review #13, by harrylilyjames Chapter One

12th December 2007:
Hey!
This was good... The plot seems really interesting.
I did notice a couple of grammatical and spelling errors.
Try and add a bit more detail to this chapter, because it would make it more interesting, such as when Evangeline knocks on the door, and her father says "Enter," you should stop here and describe her going into the room and her father looking around at her and then continue on with "ah good, Now this..."- if you get me, so in other words just add more detail to it.
When someone is talking, it should be "this" instead of 'this'.

I'm off to read the rest. =D

Author's Response: thanks so much, I will try to incorperate those things in at some point, it was really helpful.
xx


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Review #14, by dracoslover1 The Party Suprise

29th November 2007:
Good chapter. I liked it. I think Draco was a bit out of character, but other then that it was good.

Author's Response: thanks, yer I was worried about that, but hopefully he won't be in future.
xx


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Review #15, by dracoslover1 A Birthday Trip

29th November 2007:
There were some grammatical errors in the chapter. Overall it was good. Again your OC is a bit of a Mary-Sue but like I said before, with the coming chapters she won't be one.

Author's Response: hmm, I'll work on the Mary-sue aspects for the next chapter.
Oh and you'll be happy to know a beta reader is looming in the future.
thanks, xx


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Review #16, by dracoslover1 Chapter One

29th November 2007:
Good start. There were grammatical errors throughout the chapter, but nothing too major. Overall, it was good. The only thing that I have a little bit of concern with is that your OC is a little bit of a Mary-Sue. But I think that once we get to know her, she won't be one

Author's Response: I hope she won't be too.
thanks xx


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Review #17, by LittleBookworm A Birthday Trip

11th November 2007:
Alexa The First (I love your penname by the way :D),

The first thing I would like to say is that I liked this chapter a lot more than the previous one. :) I can see that you are slowly but surely improving your writing but I would still advise you to get a BETA reader. There is this forum at HPFF where you could get a BETA. They are all very friendly and always willing to help.

I'm starting to like your main character more and more with every passing chapter. She's interesting to read and I can't wait to find out more about her.

I'm happy to see that this chapter was longer and there were many other things going on. I even saw some description and that's really great since good description and characterization usually helps a reader understand the character better. :)

Keep up the good work and update soon! :D

-LittleBookworm

P.S: You could post in my review thread once a new chapter is validated or you could just OWL me, giving me a direct link to the next chapter. Even though I won't always be able to review, I'm eager to see how this story will progress. :)

Author's Response: thanks so much, it was very helpful. don't worry, a beta is planned.
xx


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Review #18, by LittleBookworm Chapter One

11th November 2007:
Hello There, Alexa The First! :D

This is LittleBookworm from the HPFF Forums. You have posted in my review thread, asking for a review so here I am. :) Since you said that you wanted a little feedback, I'll try to help as much as possible even though I think that a BETA reader would be of a greater help than I. :)

Now, back to the story. The first thing I would like to say is that your plot, this plot you've got going is interesting and could really turn out to be a great one, with a lot of potential if you correct all your spelling and gramatical errors.

I like your main character and I look forward to reading more about her. I would advise you to make your characters longer because a lot of readers get annoyed with small chapters that have very little going on. Just a friendly suggestion.

The next thing I would like to say is that you should start using ?., and so on. Those are really important and you should always use them. I can't exactly be of much help on thw spelling/grammer part since I'm still working on improving that myself but it would be of great help if you started using spell check or ask for the help of a BETA reader. :)

Anyway, I'm going to review the next chapter. :)

-LittleBookworm

Author's Response: thanks, ? is starting to come into use.
xx


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