Reading Reviews for Jump
  
49 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Kato The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

7th November 2010:
Omg.
I LOVED IT.
Was sooo sad
Made me cry a lil bit :o
AWESOME.
So sweet..
I wish I could have my own Draco.. x3

 Report Review

Review #2, by lovepauly The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

4th July 2010:
that was awesome! your brilliant. :D

 Report Review

Review #3, by _Lady Marauder_ You Found Me

11th December 2009:
*sighs* I know its not very canon of Draco to be so nice to a muggle-born, but I dont care. A dont give a rats arse because I love Draco. Any Draco. And nice Draco is such a hunkmeister I just want to squish him up and never let him go!!! When I read the part about him taking out his hanky, I was like, "But I want your hanky Draco!" lol

a gentle kiss on her lips--> I am so jealous, I dont even have the words. SO JEALOUS

Zoinks! Tear-jerker! Im scared! :'(

Just in case I dont read the whole thing today, I need you to know I am gonna read the whole thing! I need to know what happens, Im not quitting ever! :]

~~Chelsea

PS, did I mention I love Draco? < 3

Author's Response: Me thinks that there shall be a fight to the death... O_O. Between you and Takae. Over Draco.

I love that you love my Draco. I've been getting alot of well written *coughsnootycough* reviews about how he just doesn't seem realistic. lol.

Thanks for reviewing!

~Onna

P.S. ... Hunkmeister? O_o


 Report Review

Review #4, by _Lady Marauder_ With Wild Abandon

11th December 2009:
Aw! Snape does have a heart! Wow I loved that he stood up for her. I just...loved that. I dont know whatelse to say.

Okay...Im mad. I want to kick things, and scream and punch people. The cause: Lucinda. GR!!! I want her to fall into a hole and break both of her stupid legs and never be able to walk again (omg that was so cruel, I actually would never wish that on anyone). But still, she such a biznitch! Arg! And stupid harry and stupid thick headed Rom making it all worse! Im glad she finally snapped and did some damage to all those idiot students who wont treat her like a human.

I am curious to see if Draco will follow after her, and what will happen (romance PLEASE GOD!!!) hehe, okay sorry, I love Draco, I just get excited. never mind, moving on now
~~Chelsea

 Report Review

Review #5, by _Lady Marauder_ My Hearts Desire

11th December 2009:
Hmm interesting...you hardly ever get such a negative picture of Harry, but it works. We can see from the books that basically anyone outside of Harry's little 'world' went virtually unnoticed. Makes sense that he wont notice Takae.

And Hagrid...aw! Such a sweet guy! Its so canon that he would be nice to a misfit, like himself. I love Hagrid. Good job with him :]

he was an artists dream--> be still my beating heart. True. I am of the opinion that Draco was sculpted with the grace and mastery expected of only the great scuptor Michelangelo...
LOL I wrote that for my story In The Dark of my Nightmare ha. but its still true.

And her hearts one desire--> me too, Takae, me too...

Luci had dropped a book on it, ‘accidentally’, and killed it--> Well, excuse my French, (idk if you use that expression where ever you live. Basically i means watch out, Im gonna swear!) God, Luci that little bitch! How could she be so cruel and heartless. Arg, she reminds me of evil ol' Monica from the Glass Houses series (if you havent read that you've no idea what Im talking about).

The only CC I have it that the last paragraph was a little abrupt. Because we didnt get any thought or emotion from Draco the whole time and then we suddenly find out she stole his heart. It might help if you went more explicit with the dialouge when they're together instead of just saying "the hour was up". I want to know what filled up that time? What did they talk about? How did Draco turn his head and when did a flush creep into his cheeks? That kind of stuff. :]

Author's Response: Aww you're so amazing this entire review made me smile! You're so great at picking it to death and still beinging an angel about it. And yes, in Missouri we say excuse my french. lol.

I love how you love Draco as much as Takae and I love him. Hee hee.

Never read Glass House series. Sorry. :(.

Yes, the last paragraph sucks.

thanks so much lovely!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #6, by _Lady Marauder_ The Beginning

11th December 2009:
Hey Onna dah-ling! So so so sorry it took sooo long to review your fabulousness! Ayayay, bad Chelsea. Okay, now that my self-reprimand is over, onto the reviewing part:
I love it when stories start with heartbreak. I cant help it, I just think its the best hook in the mind of man. So I like how it starts with the deaths (I am so twisted :])

Something about this chapter just struck me as...robotic, I guess. It felt more like text book info and less like a persons story. But I suppose that's because you needed to give their history before they got to Hogwarts. It was also a little fast (I know you said that in the request). The transition into them finding out they witches was real good, but the part about their mom marrying Kiichi was like a pop! abrupt suprise.

If I had to sugest something, maybe a little bit of dialouge. Like instead of saying, "she told Takae that..." write more explicitly about the way her eyes shifted to the side as she struggled to get out her words etc.

This isnt meant to be a mean review, because I thought it was very intriguing (and I know your writing is fabulouso in the first place). But you said pick it to death, so I tried hehe
~~Chelsea

Author's Response: this story is poo-ish. So i'm expecting mean-ness. Okay... ness? O_O

This chapter may be strung out over three or four chapters in the new version. With more dialouge and interaction. So it'll get better I promise!

Thanks for saying my writting is muy fabulouso. I very much appriciate that.

~Onna

P.S. YAY YOU REVIEWED!!


 Report Review

Review #7, by kandekisses The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

11th December 2009:
Toaster strudel hahahaha I laughed so hard at that =)
There were a lot of chuckling moments and a lot of awww moments.

The memory thing was a very nice touch. I loved how Draco stood by her side even after 3 years. Thats love. I'm glad there was a happy ending. Although where is her sister? What happened to her, and what happened to Luci?

I have to say that your story is amazing and very original. I'm kind of sad its a short story. It would be a great Novel/Novella. But since it is a short story I have to say that the story line was very imaginative. The suggestions I have are to just go through each chapter and fix the little grammar mistakes and to maybe elaborate and expand a couple of points in the story. Like maybe the first chapter? I would expand that a bit more and give more detail.

But really you are such an amazing writer and you can see your growth throughout the story. Especially from the first, to the last chapter =)
I love this story I really do. Its going in my favorites.

Very nicely done dear! Please come through my thread anytime to request other stories. I would love to read them!

Author's Response: YAY! Someone finally caught the toaster strudel thing. lol.

Thanks so much for taking the time to review this. I really love that you like this story.

I'm planning on making it novel length, so I'll reprequest when it's updated so you can see it!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #8, by kandekisses To Break and Reform

11th December 2009:
*speechless*

~~5 mins later~~

WOW!! okay let me start from the beginning. I was so happy seeing how Takae had new friends and how things were looking up. But then I started getting worried when Draco disappeared. I knew it had to be Lucinda behind all this though. And the scene with Draco and Pansy made me cringe, how horrible for Takae to see and hear. But thats not even it. How in the world could this evil witch kill Poptart? I swear my heart dropped, that is the worst.

But then here comes the suicide scene. I could feel the emotion coming off my screen. The truth spell was very adorable and I was smiling the whole time. The only thing I don't like is the marriage part. Too fast! That was shocking to say the least.

&Poor Takae fell how horrible. I really hope she's okay! Oh my.

P.S. I love your spells. I forgot to mention that in the last chapter. How do you come up with them? Amazing!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I really do appriciate these.

I actually get the words for the spells from and English to Latic translator. The actual execution of the spell is hiden somewhere in my brain and leaps out to attack the computer screen at random.

Thanks review!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #9, by kandekisses Beautiful In His Eyes

11th December 2009:
YAY!! Makeover! Lol. Makeovers are always fun aren't they? I absolutely LOVE your magazine idea. Genius, pure genius! I'm really liking Daphne in this story, that was very sweet of her. 65 galleons? *Jaw Drops*

But yes I love how you have the Slytherins, I mean really they can't be vicious all the time right?

Very cute date there. I see Takae is coming out of her shell bit by bit. Wonderful! But I'm anxious to see what Lucinda is going to do. Grrr, she really is a wench isn't she?

Great chapter hun!

Author's Response: hee hee... wench... lol. LOVE that. Anyways. Thanks so much, I'm glad you appriciate the story. I know it needs alot of work, but it's nice to see someone like it as is.

THanks!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #10, by kandekisses I Won't Let Them Hurt You

10th December 2009:
Well that was adorable. I honestly like how you portray Draco, he's a knight in shining armor and its refreshing to see him in a different light.

Poor Takae, she really had a rough life, but it looks as though all that is going to change. I'm glad that Harry is acting like well, himself. &I love how you have Ron portrayed as a prat. He can be a bit dull sometimes.. grr. Oh &Hermione and the Slytherins becoming her friends is very fitting. Very nice =)

Author's Response: I love the contrasting views on this story, lol. Most people hate the way I've written Draco. I personally love it. A Nice change from cannon.

Thanks so much for the review!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #11, by xLostxFaithx The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

8th December 2009:
Ok, I feel like your chapters definitely approved as the story progressed, and I did really like this chapter, even if it was slightly cliche. Although the crup idea was very cute. I'm just a cutesy person.

I liked Blaise in this story. I think he may have been my favorite character. Even though he wasn't a main character, he definitely seemed the most developed, and rounded character. He still has a little of the icy demeour I think he gives off in the books, but it is very clear that he cares about Draco and Daphne. ...Maybe you oculd write a short story about him!?!? ... Alright it was only wishful thinking! haha

One thing I do want to congratulate you about was the maturity difference between the last chapter and this one. You could tell in the mannerisms, dialougue, and attitude of the characters that they were three years older, most of them had their own families, and that they had grown up after all that and the war with Voldemort.

Overall, I very much enjoyed this story, but think it could be that much stronger with the things I talked about. If you do rewrite this story, please feel free to PM me on the boards to let me know. I would definitely be interested in reading it!

Good job and good luck on future endeavors! =]

Author's Response: thans so much for taking the time to review all of this. The thought of a Blaise/Daphne story has crossed my mind, but it would be in the distant future. I have a whole series I'm building off of my other story.

You've been very helpful, thanks so much!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #12, by xLostxFaithx To Break and Reform

8th December 2009:
ok, I LOVED the chapter, up until the truth spell that is.

Lucinda is evil and the build up Takae finding out was very well written. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what the heck was wrong with Draco! And all those horrible things happening to her did pan out in this scene. I even felt the want of suicide was totally believable!! Yay!! Good job. And poor Poptart!! That was so sad!

But yeah, the truth spell and the wedding... completely out of nowhere. I won't say much else but I just think it's again very unrealistic.

However, other than that I LOVED this chapter. Good job! One more to go!

Author's Response: the truth spell and the wedding was a way sudden last minute addition to the story. But when I edit this out into a novel, instead of it being just one weekend, it will have been atleast 4 or 5 months. So it should be a little more realistic then.

Thanks for the review,

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #13, by xLostxFaithx I Won't Let Them Hurt You

8th December 2009:
Ok, I liked this chapter, except for the Takae's completely incapable of taking care of herself, Draco's suddenly the knoight in shining armour and won't let anyone touch her, AND he asked Harry for help. I think it's too much and completely unrealistic. Takae is turning into a wishy-washy complete damsel in distress with nothing going for except that Draco Malfoy has magically decided to guard her from the entire world.

Ok, sorry. I really did like this chapter, I just have issues with stuff being realistic and believable (which I'm sure you've guessed by now, seeing as I've said those two words too many times already). I just think Takae has become too dependent. She seems like she has codependency issues, and Draco Malfoy is not one to usually deal with girls he enver knew before yesterday with codependency issues. I would just like to see more to Takae. She is becoming very one demensional.

I would also like to see more Draco being Draco. It would take A LOT more than a day old relationship to get Draco Malfoy to ask Harry Potter for help.

ok, on to next chapter =]

Author's Response: Meh. This is just a rough draft that needs alot of work. BUT I will be leaving Draco the way he is. This story is to show a softer side to him, but I'll progress it a bit more so it's not so sudden.

Thanks for the review,

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #14, by xLostxFaithx You Found Me

8th December 2009:
alright this whole plot line is way way way too rushed for me. I understand that this is a short story, but there needs to be a progression of feelings on both their parts.

I also understand that having a crush on someone for years can make someone feel like they're in love, but they're not. I'm a firm non-believer in being able to fall in love with someone you have never even had a conversation with. How can you love someone you don't talk to, and don't know at all? All she knows about him is that he's good looking, smart, and can be a jerk. That doesn't sound like true love to me.

AND Draco has never even noticed this girl before today. Although it IS believeable that someone can become attracted to someone the day they meet, it is very unlikely that a boy of 17 would ask said girl to be his girlfriend, ESPECIALLY the infamous, sneering, cold hearted Draco Malfoy. It's very OOC for him and I love his character so this is going to bother me.

I know you said you wanted to make this longer, maybe even into a novel. I don't think you have to necessarily have to something that drastic (is that spelled right?). Just a couple plot point tweaks and more description, more interaction before the miraculous epiphany that they both are madly in love (even though Draco does say he doesn't know if he's in love with her, but still). Maybe Draco HAD noticed her before... they had some interaction when they were younger and then the scene at Hagrid's reminded Draco of that, or maybe they spoke in the library, not anything liek profession of love but just something simple, or Draco sees her sketch of the lake and mountains and ask her about it, but she hides it from him so now he's curious, etc. etc. Something that would give the infamous Draco Malfoy something to hook his interest. Maybe Draco starts watching HER intrigued by the pretty girl with the amazing sketches and smudge marks on her face. Just something to think about.

Also, I think it owuld help if you stuck to one point of view... you tend to waver back and forth depending on whose speaking but I think it would make your story a lot stronger if you just stuck to telling the story from Takae's POV. Ok, that came out wrong. The fact that you wanted this chapter to be from Draco's POV was fine, what I was referring to was the random thoughts from other character's in the middle of the chapter (like in chapter 2, I think it was, where the story was being told from Takae's POV but then Hagrid's thoughts bounced in there as well, it was a little confusing and slightly disruptive to your chapter).

I still think the idea is good and has a lot of potential, I think you just need to rethink the logistics of the situation and think about what's realistic and what's not.

On to the rest =]

Author's Response: Thanks for the long and very detailed review. My main issue is that the plot is moving to quickly and that the character's relationship is unrealistic. So i already knew that. I do. however appriciate your suggestions of how to make Draco notice her. Particularly the one about the sketch.

Thanks so much for the review,

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #15, by xLostxFaithx The Beginning

8th December 2009:
Hi, this is FicNastyyy__ from the boards, sorry it took me so long!

Ok, I'd like to start out saying that I think this has A LOT of potential, as I've only read one chapter. The background was very well thought out, and I enjoyed the world you set up for these girls in Japan (I'm NOT very familiar with Japenese culture, geography, etc. so please excuse my ignorance if it shows). But the family situation, how the girls lived, etc. was well done and made the girls very sympathetic.

That having been said I have a few concerns about this chapter...

This is a background-set up chapter, which may seem necessary, but its very difficult for readers to get into. It's a summary of what these girls wen through, without specifc detail or time to show us what EXACTLY they went through. Not much action happens, or descriptive language to give us insight into these girls. As a reader, I have no idea who these girls actually are. "In medias ras" is what creative writing teachers always preach to their students. "In the middle of the action" That's where many good stories start. All this information could have been slowly revealed throughout your actual plotline, and it would have given better insight into Takae, how her childhood traumas affected her, how she copes with it, etc. all the while still moving your plot line along.

There are also several grammatical errors. Nothing too big but it was still slightly distracting.


Anyway, I am looking forward to reading the rest of this! I will respong again in several chapters!

Author's Response: thanks so much for coming and reading this for me. Your review was lovely, and I'm sure to consider what you said about 'in the middle of the action' from now on.

Also, thanks for a idea on how to draw out my plotline some more. It's a life saver.

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #16, by Leigh Kelley The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

7th December 2009:
Well wasn't that a sweet ending.

I think I like the fact that she had memory loss from her fall, and couldn't remember anything for three years. It was a nice touch, especially since Draco continued to be by her side every single day. It definitely speaks wonders about his love. I do wonder what happened to Lucinda though...

Anyway. It was a nice storyline and plot, though I think your characters could have been developed just a bit more. I did see some new glimpses into Takae when she got angry, but that seems like the only time she's different. Some new dimensions would definitely make for a more interesting, well-rounded character.

There are still a few errors of the grammatical kind, but, as I said before, nothing that a quick read through won't spot. Same goes for some of the punctuation, and a bit more description won't be bad either.

I did like it though. For a story that you neglected for two years, it's good. Congrats on finishing your story, as well, and I hope you have fun expanding this (:.

Keep it up!

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: Thanks! My BoF actually came up with the memory loss idea. I'm going to get sarted on expanding it as soon as I can. You've been a real help. Marvelous Really. I love you so much for it!

I realized that I left Luci and Nanami out of the ending when he was explaining what happened during to war to her.

I'm going to look for a beta as soon as I can. Thanks so much, Leigh.

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #17, by Leigh Kelley To Break and Reform

7th December 2009:
Oh. Ouch.

Before I get to that reaction of mine, I must say that Lucinda is pure, pure evil. I just had this feeling of the dread the more I read this chapter. Draco being missing, Pansy too. I just knew something was up, but of course, I couldn't figure out exactly just what. And I think it's a nice twist. What better way to get to Takae than through the person she loves the most? The person who is making her popular and more liked? Vindictive, yes; mean, totally. But, a nice change in things nonetheless.

Another way to slow down your story would be to eliminate the line where it says the lust potion was broken. Sort of make the readers confused, make the characters confused. Then Draco eventually figures it out, and such. Lucinda could slowly break her. Something horrid today, another horrible thing (like killing Poptart; I can't help but repeating how dreadful she is) the next, and other little things that lead Takae to her decision to jump.

Cruciatus spell? Didn't think she had it in her. All the anger and pain does help adding fuel though, but at least she didn't keep it on too long, or tried to kill her too. Would have been an abrupt end.

So they are married now. Interesting, considering it's just been a weekend? Still too rushed for my tastes, but I'll have to look past that considering the end, and the reason I say ouch.

Just when they get over what happened, the blasted owl ruins it. Oh, I hope she's not dead or anything. That would be sad, though Lucinda's reaction to knowing she's responsible for that could be interesting. Hm.

To the last one, then.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: Yeah, this is def. my least fav/favorite of all the chapters chapter. If that makes any sense. Grr.

You're suggstions are gold, my dear. You're saving my skin!

Sorry is this reply seems short, but I's sleepy. lol.

I thought that the falling was a nice touch, to pat myself on the back you know.

Thanks for reading!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #18, by Leigh Kelley Beautiful In His Eyes

7th December 2009:
Ohh, what a unique idea. Never thought about a magazine acting as such, and I have to say that I like it. Never read something like that before, and I actually find it realistic. Just like students could order from WWW, I don't see why they couldn't order through a magazine. Much simpler, and much more efficient.

I've always enjoyed makeover scenes. They did say she was already pretty, but giving a character a different edge doesn't hurt anybody. I mean, she already has the boy, so this is in no way a cliche ploy to get them together. So in this case, I definitely like it. Draco's friends are proving to be very nice so far; in fact, the Slytherins are being shown in a much better light than usual. Can't say I don't like it (:.

Ooh. A pair of blonde eyes watching them eh? Why do I sense something bad about to happen?

Moving on.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: Thanks! I actually think I inadvertently stole the idea from another fic I read, but I'm not sure! lol. I thought the story needed a lighter scene, so I added a makeover. Yay, fashion! And I always thought that the Slytherins couldn't all be evil and Voldie-lovers. Even though most of them are. I think they're rather 2-d in most storys. So Draco's GF has to know his friends, and they're his friends for a reason. So give'em a friendly side! lol.Thanks for reviewing!~Onna

 Report Review

Review #19, by Leigh Kelley I Won't Let Them Hurt You

7th December 2009:
Just one tiny discrepancy, and maybe it isn't really one since I may be recalling a wrong fact. Didn't the scene with Lucinda and the drawing happen in the Great Hall? Weren't Harry and his friends sitting at the Gryffindor table? So wouldn't by default the Professors and Headmaster know about what happened without being told? Maybe my brain's fuzzy and it actually happened outside of the Great Hall. Though, I do wonder who cast the spell to put them back right, if it wasn't a Professor.

I'm not going to comment on speed of the relationship, as I already stated what I thought in the previous review. If I imagine it having happened at a slower pace though, I would have to say I love it. I like that he's doing the little things that show someone in love. That he's quick to make sure everything is alright with her, and quick to defend her. I wonder what Blaise will do to Lucinda now that they know it was her D:.

Just a little note. Too many bad things are happening to Lucinda, and I find that my sympathy for her isn't as strong as it had been in previous chapters. It's all become a little predictable in that way. She does need a bit more development. Maybe she can be seen away from all the mean people, and not just in Draco's company. Just to see her being strong on her own, or in her own environment. Would be some nice insight, that's for sure.

Oooh, wonder how Lucinda is going to have her pay. Definitely can't wait to see what she has in store.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: You're right. It was in the Great Hall. That's another thing I need to add. The repercussions of her actions.

I want to show Draco in a diff. light then he's normally shown in. So he is a little lovey(alotalovey).

Luci is someone I need to develop more, yes. And Takae will be out of her box soon enough. Thanks so much for reviewing!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #20, by Leigh Kelley You Found Me

7th December 2009:
The romantic part of me likes everything that occurred between them. The way he wanted to go find her, wanted to learn more from her through her sister, all the emotions; it was so lovely. I mean, who doesn't want the guy they have been yearning for to run after them, assure them that everything is alright, and then steal their breath through a kiss? It's what those romance novels Mums like to read are made of. It's my guilty obsession as well, haha.

I just find the kiss scene too rushed. His looking for her is alright, but wanting her to be his girlfriend just hours after meeting her properly for the first time was too soon. I know it's a short story and all, but it can still effectively span days, even weeks, and would have made the moment entirely more believable.

That aside, Takae still seems very much in character. The way she blushed after intiating another kiss and such. I expected a different reaction from her at having Draco finally holding and talking to her in the way I am sure she dreamed on many occasion, but I like this too. As I said, it calls to the romantic side of me (:.

Moving on, then.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: And this is where the story take a mad leap into hyper mode. Everything just happens so fast from here on. It annoys even me.

Romance novels are great! hee hee. But yes, I'm just trying to find a way to stretch out their relationship. You're right. It can be weeks even.

I'm glad you think Takae is in character! That's a great compliment to me!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #21, by Leigh Kelley With Wild Abandon

7th December 2009:
Hm, even the Hufflepuffs are horrid. While I do know that there are unsavory Hufflepuffs, such Zacarias Smith, it just seems so odd for everyone to be jumping on her like that. While not being her friend per se, ignoring her and what she does is a believable reaction. I can see everyone jumping on the 'let's just not like Takae for the sake of it' thing, as they are teenagers, and once the more popular ones have taken a liking to teasing and generally being mean to someone, others are inclined to do so because it's the "cool" thing. Even witches/wizards are spared the mean mentality, so to speak. So it does make sense, though it does seem like giving a lot in too short a time so that the readers to sympathize, you know?

I think Snape was a bit OOC. He wasn't like that to Harry or Neville, so it's a bit strange seeing him take to a student. Not only that, but trying to boost her self-esteem as well. Does show him in a kinder light, but after reading the way he treats students for so long, it's just strange. Would have been driven home better to me out of another teacher, I guess. Though I do like that the teachers have taken notice to the bullying. I'd hate to think they are all oblivious, or turn a blind eye just so that it can make a student stronger. It just doesn't work like that. At all.

Can I say how much I strongly dislike Lucinda? She's the epitome of a mean girl, and I think that you've kept her in character this whole time. Stealing the sketch is definitely something she would do, as well as running to Draco and alerting the entire hall to what Takae has been up to. I honestly can't stand her.

Speaking of sketches... Takae caught him at a good moment. I can only imagine what she managed to get on paper. He's a fabulous subject, and it seems she went to great detail to ensure she got him right.

Here's my suggestion for once again slowing things down, since you say you plan on making this into a novel instead. Maybe you could have had her complete the sketch, then hide it. That way Lucinda wouldn't be aware of it as of yet, and picks on her for one of the many reasons they do so on a daily basis. Then in the next chapter or even the one after, you can have them finding the sketch because she was careless (maybe looking at him one night and forgetting to put it away), and the girls find it. Then the entire scene that unfolded after happens.

Concerning the scene. I like that Lucinda made such a big scene. We all know Hogwarts students are nosy, and a commotion of any sort is something juicy to discuss the next day, so I bet they ate it all up. I like that she started to back away, though she seems like the type of person to have ran away and go cry somewhere. At least not stick around long enough to hear what Harry and the others said.

Ron seems in character. It's just the tactless type of thing he would say, especially when it comes to Malfoy. Nothing off about Harry, as he's not the type to say too much about such an issue, anyway. Ginny is who I am concerned with. She's friends with Luna of all people, and was quick to come to the defense of her when others said anything about her. So for someone like her, who can be friends with Luna, saying something so negative about Takae (who she doesn't really know), is not a part of her character. I can definitely see Lavender saying those words instead though.

The stunning Harry and his friends came out of left field, and I'm left staring in wonder at the screen. Wouldn't she be more inclined to stun Lucinda? She's the one that has her in that predicament after all. If maybe her thought process was explained a little better, I won't have to guess to her reasons. I figure she's just finally had enough, definitely frustrated, and took it out on the nearest people, even though they had nothing to do with how she is at the moment. It's like shooting the messenger, almost. So a bit into her thoughts, how she's feeling at that moment, and why she abruptly did such a thing to them would give the reader a clearer understanding of her character. Which is what I want, because she seems like an interesting OC so far.

Reading on to see the aftermath, then.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: Yes, I def. understand what you're saying about Ginny. But I like to think that she is a Weasley. And therefore is inclined to a snarky comment every once in awhile. Lol.

And I will def. take your suggestion on how to stretch out the chapters. It's a good one.

Snape, well, I like to think Snape would see a little of himself in the girl. Smart, talented, but hated over all. Maybe I should explain my thought process behind the scenes more. That would help alot in the rushed areas. Like when she hexes them. I should explain that more, thanks. I understand.

Yet again, you show remarkable understanding for the message that I'm trying to get across. You're brilliant! Thanks so much!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #22, by Leigh Kelley My Hearts Desire

7th December 2009:
Huh. I can definitely see a difference in your writing in this one, and I guess it has something to do with the two year gap between the chapters.

I like it. We got a glimpse of how mean some of the Ravenclaw lot can be through their treatment of Luna, and now we get to see it again. I guess being intelligent doesn't automatically give an understanding of how to properly treat others. I swear some of these girls can be passed off to Slytherin and no one would blink an eye. You definitely have properly shown the bully mentality through those girls. Hiding her assignment, destroying it through ink the moment the opportunity was presented to them, and killing her owl are definitely the traits of a bully. It almost seems to me as if she's treated worse than Luna is, and that's sad. What's wrong with being a little different? Better than all the carbon copies wandering around, that's for sure.

I hate that they give her a hard time, but I'm glad it happens, as it shows a different side to the Hogwarts student body. What I don't like is her resentment towards Harry for his not sticking out a hand to help her, though I can understand how she'd feel that way. I mean, he does try to protect a lot of people, so it would make her feel somewhat worthless. So good job portraying that.

Hagrid seems on point, as far as characterization is concerned. He spoke just like I've always read him to, so that's good. I also like her opinion on him, because if I remember correctly, the Ravenclaws more than anyone else believed him to be a bit of a joke. The whole, need to learn thing, and his not being a proper teacher on the subject at hand. So to know one Ravenclaw thinks differently, is good to know.

You portrayed her crush on Draco very well. Her constantly thinking of him, spying on him and so forth, are just the things a girl with a crush would. I don't know yet why she likes him so much though; is it just a physical thing?

The only thing I don't like about this chapter is the fact that Draco is already thinking that she captured his heart. It's a bit unbelievable, as they had next to no conversation during the class, so his now suddenly finding that she has a hold on him was rushed. Maybe slow it down, and say that he finds her interesting. Seems like a more Draco thing to do, and it would keep your story from seeming rushed.

There were a couple errors like last time; nothing that a quick read wouldn't locate.

Reading on, then.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: You are probably one of the most understanding reviewers I've ever had. You are so good at this. As a fun fact, I have Dyslexcia. So sometimes I don't see my own typos and misspellings. So I really need good beta.

The relationship with Draco is the part I rushed the most. It is what I need the most help getting onto a more believable level.

Really, I love the way you review! So much insight into the story! A lovely, review!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #23, by Leigh Kelley The Beginning

7th December 2009:
Hey there. Sorry this took so long D:.

You asked me to pick your story to death, so I'll do so, and hopefully you don't take anything I say as me being harsh.

I see what you're saying about stuff being rushed, and this chapter definitely read that way. I was swept into a whirlwind of information, everything being thrown at me before I was given a chance to properly wrap my head around what was going on.

In no way am I saying that what you have so far is bad. The characters are different, in the sense that I have yet to read a story with Japanese characters, despite we all knowing that characters of various heritages attended Hogwarts; Cho Chang and the Patil twins are obvious examples. Their history is interesting, despite what some would term a cliche past of hurt. But honestly, I wouldn't say that it is cliche, since there are people who have had terrible pasts (Harry, anyone?), and it would be frankly silly to eliminate them and pretend as if everyone's past was sunshine and daisies.

I also like that you weren't afraid to push the boundaries, what with the abuse on Kiichi's part, and the girls having to work from their young ages. It's believable, since it does happen, so in no way did it put me off your story.

I just felt that it could have been done in a more effective way. Right now, it feels like too much telling and not enough showing (I guess because it's being told by a narrator?).

I do understand that you probably just wanted to get this out of the way so that you can jump into the plot, but if all the information is needed (I think it is since it gives a better understanding into Takae's past, where she came from, and why she may be how she is), it could be given in a way that doesn't crush the reader under the weight.

I loved your addiction of a magical school in Japan. We all know that there are other unheard of magical institutions, and you have given us a taste of one you've created. The bus was a nice idea as well, and shows your creativity.

I would advise reading over the chapter or snagging a beta. It has many errors, a few of which I have listed below.
They lived in large house - I think you're missing an 'a' in front of 'large'
50 me had - 'me' should be 'men'?
refused to pay of his debts - 'of' should be 'off'
at the office that was should have protected - delete 'was'
She scrubbed floors at a supermarket near the ramshackle boarding house they had been allowed to stay in. With the promise that they would pay off the back rent in 2 months. - that section would read better if the sentences were combined, as at the moment, it's broken and awkward.
their was no reason - 'their' should be 'there'
to stay their until - 'their' should be 'there'

I won't list all of them, because I don't want to seem like a snob and I'm not exactly a grammar buff myself. Fixing the errors would make for a nice, clean read however, especially since you so far have a lovely storyline going for you.

Since I look forward to what is happening in Takae's future, I will continue reading. I hope this review hasn't turned you off of me; none of it was meant in a mean way.

~L. Kelley

Author's Response: Oh, not snobbish at all. This is what happened. I typed this directly in the box, instead of copy and pasting it. It was my first try ever. So yes. It needs HELP!

This chapter is the only one I'm not really worried about being rushed, just for the sake of moving on to the main plot. But I'll see what I can do to make a difference in the readability.

I'm so glad you got what I was trying to do with the characters being Japanese! And I'm glad you understand that not everyone is happy in their lives.

Oh, no! This review males me love you, forever and ever! It's exactly what I need to get my lazy butt in gear!

Thanks!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #24, by Mrs Padfoot The End: Janus Thickey Ward, St. Mungo's

6th December 2009:
This was a great, original fic with a lovely ending

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Loveing you for reviewing!!

~Onna


 Report Review

Review #25, by kandekisses You Found Me

6th December 2009:
Lol I got the answer to my last question in this chapter. Nanami is such a character isn't she? I'm glad she is worried about her sister.

Okay because its a short story I'm going to over look the fact that Draco is being too sweet lol. Thats fine with me though. It just makes him more dreamy. I'm really happy that things are looking up for Takae. Yay!

A tear jerker? Oh no! Lol.. okay let me prepare myself.
Wonderful chapter dear, the story is really progressing nicely.

Author's Response: Yeah, I though I would write a story where Draco has a heart compared to my other where he is a reluctant malicious little bastard most of the time. It was nice to write him so protective and caring. But I figured he had feelings in there somewhere, he just needed someone to bring them out.

Oh, and... what goes up, must come down!

~Onna


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>