366 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ashley Prologue - Beyond the Veil, Part I

20th December 2014:
This series used to be on Wattpad and now the legend of the twelve part 1 is missing but everything else is still there. Can you explain this for me please?

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Review #2, by Meg Chapter 2 - Lunch with Friends

25th September 2013:
this is really good, I don't know what's going to happen :(

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Review #3, by Tom Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

30th July 2013:
(summonning spell at age 11? while Harry had such a bad time with it at 4th year?)

The idea of Scorp being Evil is a bit... wierd. becouse evil doesn't see itself as evil. Each side think that they are the 'good' side. And to make one act 'evily', it would take one of the two:
1) bad teaching.
2) bad infuence(or life changing incidents)

to clear my point:
Scorp had to one to make him 'Evil', Draco got soft around the time he was born, pensy wasn't much of an infuence (I remember her being called 'seaweed' somewhere - mostly she was for show, but since Draco softened maybe she played a bigger role at rasing Scop? - Nah, she would have taken him with her if that was the case.)
So what's left is life changing events, and I don't see how it can come so quickly... Even Tom Riddle didn't become like that so soon (yes, he was mean to kids bullying him since he had the power to... but it was around the age of 9, and I tend to think of him as a special case.)

Anyways to sum it I really think he is made for no reason mean (unless he is mean for the same reason Al is in love so early).

In the last few chapters, I really got the feeling you were trying to copy JKR. Don't.
JK wrote her own books, you need to write your own. Yes you are writing a fan fiction and it's based on the books, but it does not mean you need to copy the original writer.
I know that it might be scarry not to do it, since we all read Harry Potter and liked it, we probably will like the same kind of writing. So if you copy it you may get to be liked huh? Well no.
We don't want to see some poor copy of HP, you are here as your own person write with your own style - and if you don't have one yet, then what the hack is this site for if not to polish it and make one.

Now, there are a few things I would like to remind you.
1) We (the readers) are not mind readers, and we don't remember forever. (ex. there was only once mention of the 12th exact people, you have to remind us at least once more of the unpopular ones)
2) Reviews are not something that should say things like "AWESOME"/"YOU ARE THE BEST"/"WHAT'S NEXT?!?!?!?" (at least in my opinion). They are so we (the readers) could give you pointers and help you get better. (had to say it after reading some of the comment posted here when most were like this)
3) I am not trying to bring you down or something, I really liked the story (well, aside from the drama, which you will get better at) and I think you know it - since i finished reading it.
4) My English isn't good. I am a failur as a writer, and I really love to use these ().
But I am a reader, meaning I read your story not from your point of view, and if I didn't understand something that you thought I would, we have a problem (and I didn't mean the wall was my English).
5) This comment wasn't meant to be offensive, but helpful.
6) I was planning on writing a short comment about How enjoyed your story and... something went wrong along the way.
7) I really hope you have gotten better at writing since you wrote this, and really looking forwards for the next things I will read from you!
8) The ending was a bit cut off for my liking, I mean it cut off too sudde-

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Review #4, by Tom Chapter 23 - Twists of Fate

30th July 2013:
I know I am awefully late, but I'm reading the story just now and there were a few things I just had to say that couldn't wait.

First, and most important: I really hope you have an explanation for the wierd relationship of Al and Carly.
They get along TOO good.

Second, I am having a hard time putting my finger on the exact reason, but I really don't like the drama parts you write. - Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the new ideas you bring, the plot so far was fresh and kept me reading, but when you try to write the drama parts... Something is a bit off.
Most of the time the problem isn't in the situation, but in your writing. (though the time when I felt it the most was when Al cried about his epesoids)

And third, the fact that Al is staying in the 2nd years room is really wierd! First, what will happen when they are all 7th years? - He will have to switch rooms! And going to the 6th years for 1 year seems really wierd.

Aside from that, I really enjoyed everything so far! And hoping you are still around to read comments - I'll soon finish everything up and leave a much more detailed comment - just couldn't stop myself from saying something.

(oh and my gut tells me there is some connection btw the sword in Herm's new office to that dagger, that Draco didn't change as he seemed to, that fixing the stone is the key to seal voldy again, that Carly is being controlled/she's fake/she's not real, that Scorp isn't Draco's child and they both know it, that Harry missed something when he first checked the box.) - just a few things I had in mind that I want see how far fetched i was from.

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Review #5, by Rockingal Chapter 2 - Lunch with Friends

16th February 2013:
Really love your story! I've read it a few times now and it really is one of my favorites. Im not sure of you'll appreciate this but I thought I would point it out. At the end of this chapter you have Ginny saying that the Weasleys are going to take their car back but then they apparate.

Love the story!

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Review #6, by Malin Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

9th December 2012:
This is brilliantly written. When albus was nearly killed it was very sad becuase he is a great character. Well done!

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Review #7, by Tyler Circuit Prologue - Beyond the Veil, Part I

20th October 2012:
I just finished the last Harry Potter (as in 5 minutes ago, literally), and WOW what a way to start off my time reading Harry Potter FanFictions!

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Review #8, by patrick Chapter 1 - The Memory

22nd August 2012:
so far, so good. for a minute there i thought my fore-knowledge of the characters was influencing my judgment but no ..its a gripping start.

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Review #9, by Destiny Chapter 33 - The Revenge of Lord Voldemort

6th July 2012:
awesome, you should like seriously publish this book with the help of JK Rowling and you two could make this the next book, if she agrees. Its really good.

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Review #10, by Leah Chapter 11 - The Prophecy Revealed

4th June 2012:
Awesome! What an amazing story so far.

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Review #11, by Leah Prologue - Beyond the Veil, Part I

31st May 2012:
Oh my god! I'm so excited to read more!

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Review #12, by Rocky Chapter 14 - A Flight and a Tea Party

3rd April 2012:
The main plotline with "The Twelve" has a really great promise to it. You write very well and I almost feel like I'm reading an actual Potter book at times.

But I can't help but think that it's a tad early for Albus and Carly to be dating yet. Most eleven-year-olds hardly even know what the word 'dating' means. Well, maybe they do, but in most cases they definitely don't imagine themselves doing it. I would have waited at least a year or two (in storyline that is, but I'm sure you got that, haha). I know Ginny had a crush on Harry at that age in the actual books, but you saw for yourself that she was pretty far from ready for a relationship at that time.

And I think they (Albus and Carly) act way to mature for their age. In fact, I think they act like they are fifteen or something most of the time. I think you should look to how Harry, Ron and Hermione acted in 'Philosopher's Stone'. Rowling really captured the way of eleven-year-olds perfectly (at least how I look at them). They are supposed to be kids after all :)

Please note that I only say this as an advice, because I really think you write so well in every other way :)

Author's Response: One of the things I tried to make clear in the story is that what is going on with Carly and Albus is not in any way normal. Also, as I said in my notes, to me, children in the magical world would have to grow up a bit faster seeing as how they needed to be so aware of keeping their world secret and not using magic. At the same time, I completely get what you're saying. For a while I thought of doing some rewriting, but I decided to let it be. I'm working on a novel now, and have promised myself no more fanfiction (accpet to finish my one unfinished one at some point). Thanks!

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Review #13, by atty_jannie Chapter 19 - The Quest Begins

2nd April 2012:
I just want to say that this story is fabulous. i find myself crying, laughing and just at the edge of my seat while reading this. Kudos to the author!

Though, why is it that during countless "family dinners" Fred and Victoire were nowhere to be found. I think their existence and presence at Hogwarts was forgotten. But other than that, it is still a very great story.

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Review #14, by Ra927 Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

3rd January 2012:
Not bad. The characters still seem a little simple and even rushed, but that is hard not to do. The story line is straight forward and rather linear, but it is interesting. It could do with more side plots that are open ended to add depth.

Good work so far.

Author's Response: The next story has an awful lot more side plots and complexity. Thanks for reading.


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Review #15, by Ra927 Chapter 21 - The Kiss

30th December 2011:
I was wondering if that was how the stone was going to be used.. but if you are just going by what was said in the books, the stone does not really bring people back. Only empty shells..

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Review #16, by Ra927 Chapter 16 - Potters to the Rescue

30th December 2011:
Seems a little..sappy? So far, but not too, too bad. I like the general story line.

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Review #17, by Lunamione13 Chapter 15 - Long, Long ago

28th November 2011:
Please write more! I lover you stories! They are FANTASTIC!

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Review #18, by Laura Chapter 21 - The Kiss

27th August 2011:
OMG he didn't did he?

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Review #19, by patronum1019 Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

19th August 2011:
I just finished reading Legend of the Twelve today and am very impressed with your work. It is a different style than JKR, but I enjoyed your use of the characters and story development. I especially enjoyed the young love aspect that you added to the story. I can't wait to read the sequel.

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Review #20, by domslev Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

29th January 2011:
thank you for taking the time to continue the story.
one of the best next gen tales i have read

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Review #21, by Lizzie Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

21st January 2011:
Great story line. Really enjoyed it and also great how you kept the characters very close to how they were originally written. I love the next generation and how they all link together.

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Review #22, by Brooke Chapter 36 - Reflections on the Future

6th January 2011:
Loved it! Going to read the next one now!!

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Review #23, by Brooke Chapter 31 - The Prophecy of the Twelve

6th January 2011:
Wow! Amazing chapter! I could never think of this! Keep writing!

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Review #24, by Brooke Chapter 29 - Dumbledore's Army The Next Generation

6th January 2011:
Haven't commented on the past few chapters but I have loved them! I am glad they adopted Carly

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Review #25, by Brooke Chapter 22 - The Mark

5th January 2011:
I was expecting the dark mark but interesting twist!

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