Wow, really great, you are great and your writing is great.Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
Oh, that was absolutely moving! Beautiful -- the intensity and mysticism ... And the way there was little description, and so much dialogue. You've managed to capture the severe nature of the two most complicated and coldest charaters in HP. They are a mystery, the Malfoy's ...
I loved this story. It was really, v. entracing. I can't wait to read more of your work!Author's Response: They are hard characters to portray, so I'm really glad you think I did so realisticly.
Thank you for your kind words:) Report Review
i've been looking at your reviews...and boy are they long, so i'm going to keep this short. amazing story, it was very touching & sweet, i love how you portrayed narcissa and lucius as a couple. ;)Author's Response: I don't mind long reviews at all, but I also appreciate the short ones.
Thank you, I'm really glad you liked it. Report Review
Hey there, hun. :) Obviously, I've come to leave that review you requested on the forums.
First, I've got a question for you. If this was written for a fully dialogue challenge, why did you put the descriptions in between the sections of speaking parts? I should think the entire point was to use nothing but dialogue to convey the storyline. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I was just curious.
Don't get me wrong. I think the descriptions of the setting, etc. were your strongest points. The writing there was well done and of a much higher quality than your dialogue. Honestly, I found the speaking parts to be a bit dull. The characterization was nice, and the concept itself wasn't boring, but the execution can definitely improve.
“'Cissa, there is nothing to be proud of that boy. Until he has completed his task, however”
There were a few sentences, like the one above, that just read strangely. I don't think you needed to have two sentences here. "'Cissa, there will be nothing in that boy to be proud of until he has completed his task successfully." When you combine the sentences, things read more smoothly. There are several places you could combine sentences or use different words to convevy the same message. As I said, the dialogue actually seems to be the weakness in this, but you can improve upon it dramatically just by playing around with the words and altering a few things here and there.
Gramatically, the one thing I'll say is that your last sentence of sorts isn't correct.
Somewhere in the house the clock struck twelve, other than that everything was bathed in silence.
There are two ways you can go about correcting it. One, you can make it two completely seperate sentences [Somewhere in the house, the clock struck twelve. Other than that, everything was bathed in silence.]. Or, you can use a semi colon to fix things up [Somewhere in the hosue, the clock struck twelve; other than that, everything was bathed in silence.]. I would probably suggest going with option number one.
Critique aside, I love the way you ended. Out of all the dialogue, that was the strongest part. That was very clever of you, I think, and I just really, really like that a lot. It's very IC of both Lucius and Narcissa. Good job there!
My biggest advice to you would be to keep experimenting with your dialogue. The more you practice it in this kind of a setting, the better you will get at it. Happy writing! xoxoAuthor's Response: Hi!
First, the reason why there are describtions in between the dialouges are that it was part of the challenge because it was against hpff rules to submit a chapter only containing dialouge.
About the dialouge here I think I was simply too ambitious, because normally I'm good at those parts, but my usual dialouges are also a lot more 'down to earth'...
I know my sentence structure aren't always the best but I'm constantly working on that.
Glad you liked the end, and I agree with you that it was the strongest part of the story:)
Thank you for your critisism, I appreciate it.
/D i a Report Review
This one-shot was friggin AWESOME! Definitely going on my faves.
Do you know anyone who can make me a banner???Author's Response: Thank you.
If you go to The Dark Arts and request a banner I'm sure someone will make one for you. Report Review
"And if he can't I certainly hope I'll be there to shield him from the wrath of our master by doing the job Draco failed."
This would read better if there was a comma after "can't"
>>Should be house elf.
"I'm prod to have a wife this dedicated."
>> Should be "proud"
And otherwise well written oneshot.
I like it and the idea of it.
Great write!Author's Response: Yeah I have planned to give that story a good cleaning and scrubbing soon, so I'll get rid of those mistakes.
Thank you for reading and reviewing. Report Review
Wow great chapter. The dialogue is pretty amazing. The words in this story are so powerful it really is amazing. Great job and keep it up! 10/10
P.S. - If you could read/review my story that would be great =]Author's Response: Thank you, this is quite a special story so I'm glad you like it.
Thank you for reading and reviewing. Report Review
I'm not going to comment on your grammatical mistakes because after reading the story, nothing comes to mind but compliments.
I absolutely LOVE the way you wrote Narcissa and Lucius. I hate Lucius! And I didn't think I'd ever say this but I feel bad for Narcissa: not getting love back in return...ouch! Oh, well...lovely story!Author's Response: Thank you, that was a nice compliment since I know there are quite a few mistakes in it.
I'm not sure Lucius doesn't love Narcissa, I just don't think he's the kind of person to tell her that he loves her. But either way it's kind of sad.
Thank you very much for this:) Report Review
Hi, elyaeru here from the thread. :)
I know this is a fully dialogue entry — so feel free to ignore some of my comments. I'm not exactly sure what the challenge was either; the requirements and the rest haven't been checked out, as it were.
I'm going to be correcting some technical errors in this fic, so if you want to submit it to another archive or post it on a personal website (I know how long and tedious validating on HPFF can get) then you can fix the mistakes.
Nice introductory dialogue. I like how you have brought us in during the "middle" of an obviously heated conversation.
I can't help but think the second part is really confusing though; it befuddled me to the point where I had to re-read it several times to understand it.
“’Cissa, that boy is nothing to be proud of before he has completed his task.”
I think it might be somewhat better if it read:
"'Cissa, there is nothing to be proud of that boy. Until he has completed his task, however."
... perhaps? To make it make more sense and give it some more character to Lucius's speech. If that's not the right characterisation you were going for (I'm doing a run-on review :P) then I apologise. That's just the tone of voice I get from him, though!
"“He will[,] I know he will. The task will be completed, I have made sure it will.”"
The bracketed comma isn't really needed. Although it'll probably get skipped over by the general reader, being rather pedantic today (lucky you) I don't think it's needed. It's a bit comma-splice-y.
"“I fear Draco might not have the strength to do as the Dark Lord wishes. And if he can’t[,] I certainly hope I’ll be there to shield him from the wrath of our master by doing the job Draco failed. “"
Ooh, I see some loving Lucius there! Nice job. I added a comma to break up some of the sentence.
"“That boy only gives me reason to fear the worst possible result.”"
But we kind of get back to cold!Lucius in this part. :(
I understand that this is a fully dialogue challenge, but when I saw this paragraph of text I got a little befuddled. My corrections/suggestions for this:
"The blonde woman gently stroked the picture[ ]frame that contained the picture of her only son[:] a handsome young man who looked [very much] like his father, the man sitting opposite her in the posh[*] living room of Malfoy Manor."
Picture frame is two words.
If you read back on that and your original one, then you'll notice some of the things I've omitted and added. The asterisk is basically ... I know, I know, fully dialogue but "posh" just doesn't cut it for me. It would be rather nice if you could add something other than "posh" as it somewhat seems too colloqial for this type of fic.
Perhaps you could touch upon the wallpaper, fireplace, furniture, persian carpets et cetera. I'm not asking you for an entire paragraph describing the room in detail because (a) that gets boring and (b) it's a dialogue challenge.
I am really confused by this:
"The ‘thud’ of the pictureframe was the only sound to break the solemn silence there was so characteristic for the place. "
I think you might be missing a conjunction in between "silence" and "there".
"With an almost undetectable sigh[,] the woman sat down again, her weigh[t] barely leaving a mark on the cream couch beneath her."
Comma! And weight, I think, is the word you were looking for. :) Again, I think "couch" seems too colloquial. Are you from the North? Just out of curiosity ... anyway, I'd suggest picking out more sophisticated synonyms, such as: "sofa" or "seat". Then again, they're not very sophisticated.
"“Have a little faith in your son[,] Lucius.”"
Cold hearted is two words OR hyphenated. (cold-hearted)
Again, rather confused at alternating characterisations of loving!Lucius and cold!Lucius.
"“Only enough to speak with sadness of the lot I’ve lost already.”"
This is either intentional or not ... but the "of the lot I've lost already" sounds really strange from this Narcissa that seems to speak — almost — metaphorically and with hardly any contractions. Again, too colloquial. If intentional.
Amidst the errors that I've pointed out though (and I am sorry if the tone of this review screams "I hate your fic!") I have to give you a big thumbs up for the correct usage of "blond" in Lucius's context. :| That's one of the biggest errors I see ... ever.
"Never during their conversation did the blond man lift his gaze from the letters he was reading[,] or change the almost emotionless tone [in] his voice. Only the occasional condescending note broke the evenness of [his voice]. She had known him too long to notice by now[, though]."
I PMed the full review on the boards. This exceeded the 6000 character limit.Author's Response: This is defintely the longest and probably also one of the most useful reviews I've gotten, I'm very glad you took the time to do this for me.
I'll take a close look at my story and change all the little errors that has snuck in, it'll probably improve it a lot.
Thank you so, so, so much for this! Report Review
You are full of surprises. This is the best I’ve seen you write. There is a raw energy in your writing that is truly inspirational. Very believable and it draws the reader in. Bravo (applause)
Thanks for this
Author's Response: This was actually a very special piece of writing because it's written completely without a dictionary and everything is through through to the very last detail, because this is written during school when I had to take notes and follow the lesson at the same time as writing so it made big gaps between the times I actually got to write something.
I'm so proud of your compliments and reviews, thank you for those. (It's inspirational to have such nice reviewers) Report Review
Hey, its me, the one you requested to review your story =] To start off, great story. I've got a few things to point out, though. I'm not particularly a fan of LM/NM ship, but I guess you proved me wrong and showed me to another side of them. I know this is a fully dialogue challenge so there wasn't really much descriptions, which made this story seem lacking of descriptions, though I wouldn't blame you, as this, after all, is a dialogue challenge. I love the way you put Lucius and Narcissa's character, and its like you're bringing us readers into a never before seen world of them, as in JKR's books, the main eye is on Harry, and you seem to have a lot of ideas on their dialogue. Overall, great story, keep the good work up ! I'd give a 10/10 for that ! :DAuthor's Response: I'm not a LM/NM shipper at all, I just wanted to try something new and prove to myself that I could do this.
I know describtions would have made this better but that unfortunately wasn't an option here, I'm glad you think I've managed well with these characters then. They weren't easy to write, but I found them both very interesting as I examined them closer.
Thank you for this review. Report Review
I really like how you showed Lucius and Narcissia thinking that they were doing the right thing instead of just being evil. I loved how much you could get out of this three minute span of time that doesn't even have much background information outside of the dialogue. Great story!Author's Response: When you do something I guess you always think you're right, or that you're actions are the right thing to do even though others might see them as completely wrong.
I don't think Lucius and Narcissa would have been Death Eaters if they didn't believe in the cause, and I'm really glad you agree with me on that.
Thank you for this:) Report Review
Wow good writing! I loved it, it really painted the Malfoys into sharp focus for me, you know? Until now they were just Draco's evil parents, now they are more than that. And I am totally loving the mostly dialouge, I am going to try it. It was such a nice change :)Author's Response: I knew that Narcissa and Lucius had to be more than just evil persons, somewhere inside them they are also just humans with emotions and desires.
Personally I would have liked to put some more describtion between the lines, but this was a challenge and I didn't make the rules of it.
Thank you for this review. Report Review
Nice. I liked it. Very nice view on Draco's parents. Great job! ^_^Author's Response: Thank you, I really did my best here :) Report Review
Oh. My. God.
This is so different from The Proposal, and Ferret.
But it is so damn good!
Really, the dialouge between them is brilliant, excellent! And the few descriptions you have, are just amazing.
You know what sucker I am for descriptions, and I LOVED these!
Really, how you could go from Proposal and Ferret, who is a little more light and sweet, to this deep and pasionatly story, beats me.
Mumble is so speachless, he can't even dance.
I loved it!
I really did, really!
It doesn't mean that I don't love Proposal and Ferret too, I still do!
And Mumble too.
He just asked me to add this to favourites.
Gosh, I love you!
Well, you know what I mean.
The lines really fitted the couple, I can honestly picture them saying this.
Mumble tells me to stop the rambling...
Padfooty and Mumble
Author's Response: I have no idea how I came up with this story, but it's defintely the most well thought of story I've ever written, mainly because it's written during school and I had to make notes at the same time as writing...
Oh Poor Mumble, have a cookie...But thank you for making Anna add this to favorites, now you really do deserve the cookie!
Never stop rambling, when you're ramblings are making perfect sense. I glad you found this story good and that you think the lines fitted the couple well.
Thanks Padfooty and Mumble
/D i a Report Review
I am not one for that ship, but I liked this story anyway.
I think it was very sad, and what was more sad was the 3 last lines. She says I love you and he doesn't. I love the fact that you can read so much between the lines. Narcissa really loves her boy, and I think that is a noble thing, or the right thing. I just hate Lucius. I can't stand him, and you really made me hate him more.
Fantastic job darling ;)
MusAuthor's Response: Thanks Mus, it's amazing how you've managed to read this story exactly as I wanted you to. You read the things between the lines, and there are plenty of that in this.
Also glad you noticed that detail at the end, it's really sad that she loves him, but he doesn't say he loves her back...She's just human after all and she needs love.
Thank you Mus, I'm glad you understood this story as it's very different from what I usually write. Report Review
It was pretty good, although I do find it hard to concentrate on a story that is so much dialouge and so little desciption, although you did it well.
I really like Narcissa as a character, and I think you captured the essence of her pretty well. I don't read about Lucius often, and it kind of shocked me how little he seemed to care for his son, although that is surely pretty acurate of him.
This fic is kind of sad, because of how it shoes both the distance between these two married people, the struggle of thei teenage son, and the path of darkness that they are getting more and more engulfed in. It was even more so because we, as readers of the actual books, know how it all turns out.
But there was one other thing that bothered me... I don't know if you decided you had to change this on purpose for the story to work or you just didn't realize, but it would have been imposible for this scene to take place in the actual book. Throughout all of Half-Blood Prince and Draco's trials, Lucius was locked up in Azkaban. He di not escape until after the book ended.Author's Response: Wow this was an insightful review!
I know it's hard when there's this little describtion between then lines but it's written for a challenge so I didn't set the rules.
It means a lot that you think I've captured these characters well, because it was my first piece with them and I actually found them quite interesting to work with.
I thing the story of the Malfoys IS a sad story because things aren't going their way and even though they are evil they're also just humans.
Ouch, sorry about that detail, I did think about whether he was in Azkaban but I couldn't remember and decided to write this anyway.
Thank you for this review. Report Review
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