This seems a little overdramatic to me. The constantly changing points of view are hard to keep track of, as well. They are helpfully labeled, but it's hard to really get to know a character (even if we are familiar with the canon already) when they only get a few sentences each. I'd suggest switching to third person omniscient for a story where you want input from so many characters.
I think you have a good start here and in chapter one, but it does need some editing.
Siriusgirl1Author's Response: Thank you for your input I am glad to hear things that I need fixed. I will definitely try to work on it. Report Review
Aw thats was lovely!
And so funny! I cracked up when Lily started choking on the ring... talk about things that could possibly go wrong on a night like that!
Well done, this was a great little story! Can't wait to read some more!Author's Response: haha that was funny my friend helped me with that idea. Thanks for reading!! Report Review
Aww, poor 'ol James. I've never read a story quite like this, I feel more sorry for James than I do Severus and that doesn't usually happen to me haha.
Your doing really well, your use of imagery and simile is very good so just keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Your review means a lot to me!!! Report Review
Hello, my lovely reviewer. I thought i'd come and return the reviewing favour haha.
Oooh this was a very good first chapter!
I'm not quite sure what is going one, but thats great! I have to carry on and read more!Author's Response: Haha thanks a lot I am glad u will read more!! Report Review
LOL! That was funny! Poor James, he became a bit like Ron; he was so in love.
I just didn't get it about the wheelchair; you mean Lily's legs didn't work after the shock?
OMG! Moving story!
wingsAuthor's Response: Well Lily's legs worked she just hadn't gained her strength back yet. I mean she was in a coma for a while. Thank so much for all your reviews. I love your stories and this means a lot to me. Report Review
Oh, my favourite idea; I always like to imagine that Lily loved Snape instead of big-headed James. I like that you've stirred things up a bit! :)Author's Response: Thanks you! I know I love snape Report Review
Hello, very interesting beginning, though a bit short. I wonder what happened to Lily. It's quite mysterious. I'll go an check the next chapter. :) Good work! wingsAuthor's Response: Omg thanks so much for reading my story!!! I love all ur stories u r an amazing writer! I love ur shape lily stories! Report Review
Ahh cliffhangers I HATE them (fun to write not to read, as you know I am not a paciente person)! I liked it, the viewpoints are kinda of confusing because it just swaps back and forth and random times. Try putting their names above the section where the point of view switches just to clear it up. Now down to the Jenny vs. Andrea smack down of would Snape act like that. I see both points. What I would do is write how Lily can see this emotional struggle Snape is going through (to hug her and actually show emotions which is very un-Snape, or to put his usual wall of indifference, which is how he usually is). It would be interesting b/c Lily would get all sorts of doubts b/c she cares about Snape. I dunno it'd be cool. Oh and I loved the way you wrote the anguish James was showing. It was nice how u incorporated his school boy rivalries and his hate of how Snape used to treat his wife. Overall it was a pleasant chapter, kinda confusing but good.Author's Response: Haha you'll have to keep reading. I have taken your advice and placed names in the point of view sections. Haha the Andrea vs. Jenny smackdown. Well I was thinking that I know Snape always hides his emotions, but in the book, in the fashbacks he never seemed to hide them from Lily there's just something about her that brings his guard down. Thank you so much Blayne I am really glad you liked it and I will definetely work on the confusing part. Report Review
I really liked it Andrea you are a great writer!
p.s. This is Nicole andrea is not that concieted.Author's Response: Haha thanks Nicole I am so glad you liked it. Well now we will definitely have to get you your own account so you can read stories on here without having to respond under my name. Report Review
please review Report Review
Very Good story. Author's Response: Thanks I was hoping you would like the final draft. Thanks for proof reading it for me. Report Review
LOVE the story Andrea! It's awesome! Can't wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: thank you so much if you love it so much add it to your favorites Report Review
Wow, I never knew you could write like this. It's very good!! Gr.what happened to Lily jeesh, I hate suspense (in that love/hate way, I can't live without it but I can't STAND it all the same). I thought it was good. I like the pain in it (I know that sounds all emo but you wrote it in a very pretty way.) Can't wait to see were you take this. Author's Response: Thanx i am so suprised i can write like that too.
Great, I cant wait to read the rest. Keep me posted on updates. Your sis...J
Author's Response: Thank you so much i am so excited you love my story. tell Ann Marie I said hi Report Review
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