Reading Reviews for The Portrait.
  
42 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MsErrol Chapter One: Dreams

20th September 2013:
this is really good, i think im addicted

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Review #2, by Pingo Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

2nd January 2008:
Finally I'm here.. Hehe..

Your areas of concern: Characterization, plot.

I usually also comment on spelling and grammer, but you don't have that many mistakes with it. .Mostly just typoes, I think one or two in theese three chapters..

It's a good story and I like it a lot, but I think that it's a little unclear how the main-character is.. Your OC's a made good, but there're really a lot of people in this story and it's hard to define who is who.. Did you have to Charlie's or was it Weasley all of the time? 'cause it seemed a little unclear and very confusing if you did have two Charlie's.. Cut down on the persons in theese intruducing chapters.. We have more time to meat them later, we just need to mean the main-characters in the beginning..

Other than the story being a bit crowded it's very good and well-written.. I like all the OCs you've made and I'm looking forward to read more about them..

I'm kind of unsure what I think about Bill? It was a cute picture we got from the platform by the way.. Your Bill is very strict, but then again not.. 'cause he doesn't say anything to the running students.. I'm so confused about all your prefects, the Head Girl and oddly enough Bill's house.. You shouldn't make it a thing we are supposed to know that Bill was a Gryffindor, 'cause I for one had forgotten actually and as this is a fanfiction you could have changed that.. I think that you should make it cleare and just in general use more time describing your two main-characters than all the smaller ones.. I realize that Logan can be important in the plot, but then I think we could wait to hear about him till later..

I think your plot is very good, but it's also a bit quick..

Otherwise it's a very good story, and I'm sorry if I made it sound like it wasn't 'cause I really like this and I would really like you two post in my thread when you update..

Please check out my stories..

I hope you could use my review..

Pingo..

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Review #3, by undiscovered_legend The Badge Comes With Its Perks

1st January 2008:
So many new characters overload, overload, overload!
*grabs head and runs in circles*

--There is one of the many mistakes authors make, too many character intorductions at once. It becomes very hard for the reader to distinguish the importance from one character to the next. Also alot of characters get lost in the bustle and readers may become confused in the chapters to come.

Your doing really well, although I wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about sullivan like whats she all about, why do people hate her, its the second chapter and we know basically nothing about one of you main characters.

But your word choice is wonderful, very descriptive.
I am really enjoying this story, I cant wait to see whats to come.

;)

-- ashley

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Review #4, by undiscovered_legend Chapter One: Dreams

31st December 2007:
The begining is rather interesting.I like it alot
dont get me wrong. I just want to know more...

Like why did she use those spells?
Why did they have to hold a full criminal trial?
How did her parents die?
Who is the redhead?

I liked the trial though, you wrote it very well.
Only one thing i would say is that you should add alot more
description into your story..

keep up the good work

7/10
--ashley

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Review #5, by SilverThimble Chapter One: Dreams

22nd December 2007:
hi, I'm sorry this review took so long...:(

This was really good! The first paragraph really pulled me in, and I was hooked by the end of the chapter. I loved your descriptions, they left just the right amount to the imagination. Your characters also seem original and interesting so far. The dream bit was confusing at first, but that was my fault because I thought it was a flashback. Your grammar was good too. I couldn't find anything i didn't like, an will definatley try to read more. :)

10/10

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Review #6, by Draco is fit 123 Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

18th December 2007:
haha Love it!
awesome third chappy!
Keep it up!
Yours Emily xxx

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Review #7, by Draco is fit 123 The Badge Comes With Its Perks

18th December 2007:
Hey, another great Chappy! Love it!
awesome peice of writing.
Yours Emily xxx

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Review #8, by Draco is fit 123 Chapter One: Dreams

18th December 2007:
Hey, liking the first chappy! Looking good ladies, looking good.
I'm gonna leave it at that so i can go read the other chappies =D
Yours Emily xxx

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Review #9, by Weasley twins rock Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

15th December 2007:
You may have already picked up that I am frank about what I say. I saw this coming a mile away. I have seen this sort of thing done many times in different circumstances, which does not of course mean that it is a bad thing. I generally see it in Dramiones and James/Lilys. So you could definitely do something original with this, I'm certainly not judging it yet.

You still put 'perfects' instead of 'Prefects' a few times, and Prefect is capitalized. But not as frequently as in the last chapter. There were also fewer spelling mistakes in this one, but I'm no grammar Queen, so picked up on nothing else in that department at all.

I may have mentioned before that a drama Queen who paints a lot can quickly turn into a Mary-Sue, so I think it would be in your best interests to keep her different traits in mind, I don't think she is one thus far, but she could become one. She certainly has her flaws, to conteract the drama and traits!

That is basically all I have to say. Th writing quality has improved in this one I think. The combat boots confuse me somewhat, fashionable? Sarcasm? I'm hoping it's sarcasm, because I can't stand the fashion world! *cheers for Riley* So yeah, good job, keep on writing.

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Review #10, by Weasley twins rock The Badge Comes With Its Perks

15th December 2007:
Yes I am going to nitpick again, because I do that, and I am extremely fond of Charlie. One of my favoured Weasleys.

So the bad, I found some spelling mistakes and mix up of wording dotted here and there. I think that the most common one was 'perfect' when you obviously meant 'Prefect', an extremely easy one to do all of the time. Besides them, what irked me was how Bill seemed to notice everything, and wonder about things. I know guys well, they aren't majorly observant, and in general if they are not told outright, they barely ever wonder. Letters and summer holidays wouldn't matter to a guy, they would just be stuck in the present or looking forward to the next Quidditch match. So yeah that irked me.

And onto the good stuff, I like the new characters in here, they don't seem to be Gary-Stu's and at least one of them (I can't remember which) is an extremely stereotypical guy, which I don't think we see enough of in fanfiction! Your average guy does not have a secret diary, sketchpad, or fondness of poetry. Average guys, like food, like girls, like sport, hate homework. Very simple!

And I'm waffling, once again, not a bad chapter at all.

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Review #11, by Weasley twins rock Chapter One: Dreams

15th December 2007:
I am going to be blatantly honest, I am not liking the character Riley so far, from what I have seen she could turn into a Mary-Sue. So far she hasn't, and I haven't read that much yet, so please neither of you despair, it's probably me being over analytical.

Her whole situation with her family has confused me slightly, however I put that down to my brain still waking up. I wrote a review before this that I didn't submit because I was confused as to whether her parents were pureblood or muggleborn, I have a feeling that it was the latter. I am also assuming that her and her brother are adopted or living with relatives or something that Riley does not necessarily approve of, whether it be them or views or something. I guess I will just have to wait and see, shan't I?

It also puzzled me momentarily why Dumbledore would be at her hearing? I always assumed that someone less important may turn up with other students, Harry always was a special case and Dumbledore basically paved the path before his feet! Although having her portrayed as such a troubled student would kind of explain that, how such a troubled student wouldn't be expelled completely confuses me, but then again, I guess that wouldn't make such an interesting story! What really irked me is that they put her in the cuffs in one of the high security court rooms, Arthur didn't think that they were in use any more when he had to take Harry there, so why would they take a mere student?

Ignore my ramblings, perhaps I am just way too picky. Despite my bone picking I thought it was a reasonably good chapter, it gives a good sense of her backstory.

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Review #12, by kara101 Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

26th November 2007:
Excellent story and I look forward to more.

I told my friends to read this :) And another 10!

Author's Response: thank you so much!

ohhh thank you! We shall look out for your friend :D.


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Review #13, by kara101 The Badge Comes With Its Perks

26th November 2007:
Another great chapter, I really loved how the perspectives were so different. It made the story more enjoyable. On to chapter 3.

Another 10!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Thank you!

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Review #14, by kara101 Chapter One: Dreams

26th November 2007:
I love this chapter, it really interested me. I think Riley's personality is great and I am going to read chapter 2 on Bill's POV.

Great story so far. Ten!

Author's Response: thanks so much! I love Riley :]. Thank you soo much!

goodbyetoyou


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Review #15, by Clowee_tee Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

18th November 2007:
Wow, lots of random drop in lines there that hopefully will be revealed later. In love with this fiction, update soon!

Author's Response: Yes everything will be revealed later. Thanks so much!

Goodbyetoyou


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Review #16, by hermes8943 Chapter Three: Running In Combat Boots.

18th November 2007:
this is a really interesting story i like it a lot:D
cant wait for the next chapter!!

Author's Response: Thanks so much!!! It will be up soon. Thanks!

Goodbye


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Review #17, by Wizardora The Badge Comes With Its Perks

7th November 2007:
Oooh... gravey and mash... I could just have some of that right now...

I love Logan and Simon great characters. A couple of grammar mistakes but no biggies ^_^

Write more soon!

Lv Wizardora

Author's Response: haha me too :P yummy :)

Haha thank you! I wanna marry both :D. Ooops! were getting a beta soon.

thanks! chapter 3 is in validation

thanks!

Goodbye


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Review #18, by Wizardora Chapter One: Dreams

7th November 2007:
I like it- a dreams sequence is always good!

Riley's a really likeable character ^_^ and I think this was a really strong first chapter!

Looking forward to Bill's POV...

Lv Wizardora

Author's Response: thanks so much!

thank you!!!


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Review #19, by Clowee_tee The Badge Comes With Its Perks

6th November 2007:
Interesting cliffhanger. Very good chapter. Update soon!

Author's Response: Will do, and thanks hope you liked chapter two.
Lolita


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Review #20, by Clowee_tee Chapter One: Dreams

6th November 2007:
Wow. I really enjoyed the start of this; i'm new to Bill/OC's in fact this is the first one i've ever seen and i really didn't know what to expect. But i thought it was brilliant. I'm off to read chapter 2 and this is deff going in my faves!

xxx

Author's Response: Thats one of the main reasons Goodbye and I started this story. It is new and no one has done. Thanks for the support.
Lolita


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Review #21, by Kahlan The Badge Comes With Its Perks

4th November 2007:
In this chapter you had some mistakes grammar and sentence-structure-wise;
Well she didn’t I saw here come on the train, with her boots that I have and urge to burn

That’s it, no she falling on her head, making go bonkers


I couldn't copypaste them all, because this time around there was quite a few of them, but can I suggest getting a beta?

There was a part of this which was a bit confusing actually, in the middle of the chapter as well, in the prefects/headboy cart- maybe you should look at that?

Anyway, this chapter was a good one! I think I might have an inkling towards what Dumbledore would want from Bill as well ;) If it is what I think it will be though, you'd do good by being aware that there's a lot of cliches one can fall into - but of course this goes for everything!

Though I think Bill is a bit OC, without being able to put my finger on why, I like the interaction between him and his friends!

Author's Response: Thanks for your critque and we will look into the headboy cart. It just seemed like a good idea and some other stories seemed to support the idea. Thank you, the interaction was the most fun to write.
~Lolita


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Review #22, by Kahlan Chapter One: Dreams

4th November 2007:
I have to say, I like this idea behind this! And so far, Riley seems wonderfully un-mary sue! I've yet to read a Bill-story, so this will get really interesting!

This chapter is doing a good job introducing the characters, and it appears we also got a small glimpse of Bill as well;)

You've got a couple of small mistakes though;
I was going to be aloud in school - Allowed perhaps?

oh, and Our babysitter, Colie, was running late. But so weren’t out parents. - the last sentence there doesn't make any sense?

Other than that though, this story holds a lot of promise!

Author's Response: Thanks you for your support and critque. Its always nice to learn from mistakes, making me and Goodbye more aware. Hope you like the next chapter.
~Lolita


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Review #23, by delfy The Badge Comes With Its Perks

4th November 2007:
this is a nice start,want to read more! :D

Author's Response: Thanks for the support hope you like the second chapter :D
~Lolita


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Review #24, by Fields Of Innocence09 The Badge Comes With Its Perks

3rd November 2007:
I liked how you switched to Bill's point of view in this chapter, having a change it always good.
Characterisation is great so far, there's not really anything i can say against it.
The plot is currently unclear to me at the moment but it is only two chapters so that's understandable.
I did find a few little errors which i would like to point out.

1. "I looked at Simon curious" that should be either "I looked at Simon, curious" (with a comma) or "I looked at Simon curiously".

2. "She was also seemed friendless", there was just an extra word there which didn't make sense. You just need to cut out the word "was".

3. “Well she didn’t I saw here come on the train, with her boots that I have and urge to burn.”
Instead it should be "Well she didn't, i saw her come on the train, with her boots that i have an urge to burn".

This is a good story so far, can't wait to see what happens. When the next chapter is up feel free to post it up on my thread.
I hope these reviews have been helpful =]

Author's Response: thanks so much!
Yes more comes out in future chapters.

thank you! I will fix all three of those.

thank you so much!

They have been so helpful, thanks!!!

Goodbye


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Review #25, by Fields Of Innocence09 Chapter One: Dreams

3rd November 2007:
This is a great start!
I really like your characterisation, even though they are all original characters, you have given them each realistic personalities.
Riley is definately interesting, your typical bad girl i suppose. I am interested to know why there is so much tension between her and her brother. And it's sad how everyone is mean to her except for one person.
You wrote Dumbledore's character very well, he would definately do and say all the things that he did in the court room.
I also loved the flashback about Riley's childhood and i can't wait to find out about the significance of it and why she woke up gasping for breath.
I like how you have written her creativity aspect- painting - it's always nice when people write about their character's little hobbies.
Anyways, good job, now i'm off to read the next chapter! =D

Author's Response: Wow, you brought out all the things that I wouldn't have expected. But thank you if makes both me and Goodbye feel appreciated. Hope you like the second chapter.
~Lolita


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