18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SpringTime Chapter Three- Family Dinner

19th November 2008:
i think you have a really nice story here, some grammatical errors, but nothing horrible. I laughed when Ron opened the door into them, it was fun and light. Even though what has happened to Sophie it has a lighter feel to the story, if you wanted to make it darker you could have, but sometimes I think that light is the way to go :) I hope that these reviews helped, thanks for asking :)

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Review #2, by SpringTime First Encounters

19th November 2008:
That was a nice update. You have a talent for showing and not just telling. There were only a couple of grammar errors in this chapter, a quick read through might get them all. I am not sure that Teddy would call Harry Dad, but it's your story :) Otherwise it is a nice chapter and the attraction between James and Sophie was simple, not too much too soon :)

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Review #3, by SpringTime Raid of Malfoy Manor

18th November 2008:
Good ending. Other than the few grammaticle errors it is a good beginning. I like Lily's attitude, and we are just gettign to see signs of the other characters voices. I jus took some medicine and I am gettin pretty drowsy, so hopefully this makes sense. I will review the rest of the chapters tomorrow. I want to make sure I can do them justice. :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review. I hope you feel better soon!

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Review #4, by DJjazzyCarlton Chapter Three- Family Dinner

24th October 2008:
Your characterization in this chapter was truly amazing. I love how you portray the younger generation and I think you do a good job of keeping the older generation in character. I'm really impressed with your characterization of Ron: he's so hilarious. Sophie's sotry is absolutely heartbreaking but I love how James seems to really care about her even though they've just met. I'm hoping that will lead to something :)

I like your plot so far. You have a lot of really interesting and original ideas that you're writing quite gorgeously. I can't wait to get farther into the story and see more of your amazing characterizations and ideas!

10/10 on the entire story so far!

Keep it jazzy,

Author's Response: Wow, that is one of the nicest reviews I've recieved. Thank you so much! You are going to give me a very big head! But I love it!

Thanks again!

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Review #5, by DJjazzyCarlton First Encounters

24th October 2008:
Aw, poor Sophie! You do an especially good job of displaying emotion in this chapter. You had a lot of variety in your tone but at the same time, kept it consistant. I love the way you're portraying James and Sophie seems like a very interesting character; I'm eager to learn more about her. Their (James's and Sophie's) interactions are very well written. You also do a good job with all of the other characters you've introduced so far in the story. The Weasleys and the Potters are all characterized very well and you've made it very believable. I love Hugo so much!

Wonderful job on this chapter and I'm moving on to the third!

Keep it jazzy,

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I really have fallen in love with the characters in this story, young and old. I'm investing something in all of them, I wanted to create real personalities as well as portraying the characters we already know. I'm glad I'm being successful!

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Review #6, by DJjazzyCarlton Raid of Malfoy Manor

24th October 2008:
Wow! This was a really exciting chapter! A lot of times, the first chapters in a story are really slow-moving because you have to set the story up properly. But you've done a great job introducing your story and making it exciting from the very beginning. The ending was just as brilliant as the beginning in this chapter. It was cliffhanger-ish which delights and angers me because I'm dying to know what happens next but I love that I'm intrigued. Good thing the next chapter's already up or else I think I'd have a fit ;)

Good job on this first chapter and I can't wait to read on!

Keep it jazzy,

Author's Response: I'm really happy you found this chapter exciting. I personally find it hard to get into a story because the first chapters are always getting the story going. I wanted to charge in and have a balance between plot flow and keeping it interesting for the readers.

Thanks for the review!

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Review #7, by gryffindorseeker Raid of Malfoy Manor

9th March 2008:
I know this review is VERY overdue, but better late than never, eh? So I thought this was a good chapter overall--it sets the scene well enough, but there are a few small points that can be improved upon. Grammatically, the verb tenses are mixed up sometimes. You can either go in the past or present tense (or future, if you really wanted that), but keep it consistent. Also, you use the passive voice a lot, and while this isn't a huge problem, active voice is generally considered good writing. These are pretty minute points, but I found them distracting while I was reading.

I'm scared that Sophie is a Mary Sue. To be frank, it feels pretty forced the way she is introduced, and I don't know if there's a more seamless way for you to do this. The degree to which she's (presumably) been abused seems a bit extreme...would Draco that cruel, even if this kid isn't his? I suppose I don't find "victims" to be terribly appealing characters, but that's my preference, and if this is the sort of role you envisage for Sophie, then you certainly can continue with it.

Again, apologies for the ridiculously long time it took me to get this review out, and I'm afraid I'll only be able to do this chapter if I want to make any sort of dent in my queue. There certainly is potential here, but be very careful of grammar when you proofread (or consider getting a beta), and really examine your characterizations.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, I appreciate your honesty and I'm going to be very careful with Sophie, I don't want her to stay a victim or become a Mary Sue!

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Review #8, by Alexa_The_First Chapter Three- Family Dinner

5th December 2007:
Love it, and it's getting really good.
Yay, xx

Author's Response: Thanks for the review.

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Review #9, by fanwright19 Chapter Three- Family Dinner

3rd December 2007:
this chapter was very good I did not like the long wait but hopefully the next chapter will come sooner I cant wait to see what happens with james and the triwizard tournament and how harry is going to take this news cant wait up date soon!!!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and sorry for the long wait,next time it won't take as long!

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Review #10, by Leo072491 First Encounters

7th November 2007:
This story seems like it has some potential. I can't wait to read more! Please keep writing! :D

Author's Response: Thanks for your review, I'll be updating soon!

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Review #11, by drapri First Encounters

4th November 2007:
OMGOSH! I love it. very pure, and i love these kinds of stories. the way you write is genuine- it's great! WRITE MORE!

Author's Response: Oh wow, thanks for your review! Chapter 3 is in the works, just gotta get it look over!

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Review #12, by Labby First Encounters

23rd October 2007:
This chapter started off a lot better than the previous one. I loved the description in the beginning. It worked out really well.

I'm going to repeat what I said from the previous chapter - you seem to do descriptions pretty well, but the dialogue needs some work. I wasn't interested at all in the conversation with Teddy. Adding in more descriptions would definitely be beneficial and make it more interesting. And it's something that you're good at so it should help.

I'm sorry if I'm being kind of harsh, but criticism always helps to improve. I can see this story as being really good if you just work on a couple of things. Oh, and on the plus side - this chapter has a lot fewer grammar mistakes than the previous one!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, yet again I appreciate your honesty, it means I can try and improve!

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Review #13, by Labby Raid of Malfoy Manor

23rd October 2007:
I like your idea a lot. It's really interesting, and I'm definitely going to read the next chapter to see what happens. I think you may need to develop the characters further, but that does happen with time. I really like your concept, and it's quite different from everything else that I read. The descriptions are quite nice, but the dialogue seems to be a tad bit boring at times.

There are quite a few grammar mistakes and you go between the past and present tense several times in just the first couple of lines, which made it really distracting. I'm not quite sure if I would have continued to read it if it was just a random story. Since you asked me to review it, I continued, and I was quite pleased when I continued. I see that you are getting a beta which will certainly help.

Besides, that great job! I'm off to read the next one.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review, I'm still new at the fanfiction thing and have to work on certain things. Thanks for your honesty, it helps me to know what I have to work on!

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Review #14, by birdie01 Raid of Malfoy Manor

21st October 2007:
This was amazing. This is probably one of my favorite next generation fics so far. It's just great. Wow...umm...I really don't have any critism but one line confused me a little:

Rose was an excellent chaser, nearly as good as James, and was also a Chaser.

It's just a little confusing. That's the only error I found. I throughly enjoyed reading this and I can't wait for more. :)

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. Sorry about the confusion, I plan on getting a Beta soon to fix al these things to make it easier for readers!

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Review #15, by Enchantlize Raid of Malfoy Manor

20th October 2007:

This is great...*chew on my cereal*, absolutely brilliant. Where did you get this idea? Your descriptions are nice but you seemed to be swapping tenses, from present to past then to the present again, you should proof read more. But other than that, it is brilliant!

Red Slipper.

Lots of love,

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm hopefully going to get a Beta for my stories!

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Review #16, by chillychick95 Raid of Malfoy Manor

20th October 2007:
Nice Story, great finish and start! I like how you defined the characters very well in the first paragraghs. Introducing early sets you up for later chapters. Now to the technical stuff. You need to stick to one tense. Present or past? The story kept alternating. Also you need to read you stories or get a beta (like an editor) to read them to make sure their is no grammatical or spelling errors (Spell Check doesn't pick up everything) like when you said "Rose was an excellent chaser, not as good as James, and was an excellent chaser" or when Lily says "I think important is happening" She is younger than James but not that much. Their were a few grammatical errors in the piece but otherwise a GREAT performance and a really good story. Keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, grammar isn't my strong point. I'm planning on getting a Beta for my story ASAP.

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Review #17, by Lily123 Raid of Malfoy Manor

18th October 2007:
Oh my! That is so good. Please keep it going :D 10/10.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review. Hopefully my next chapter will be validated soon!

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Review #18, by JLHufflepuff Raid of Malfoy Manor

17th October 2007:
It is interesting how you bring in your original character in this way. I'm curious to see how James's personality develops and the new character as well. I wonder what the Malfoys have been up to that an injured girl is in their house..

Author's Response: Thanks for your review, I will update soon!

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