I really could picture this happening! In a very...fictional sense, of course.
You got Bella down to perfection, insane and vicious enough, without overdoing her. The mood of the story is right as well, dark, though not really, as they are indeed breaking out, able to join Voldemort again!
Also, the song fitted really well. Without having heard it, thus not knowing how it goes, it gave the fic a slightly more 'jolly' mood. It didn't become as technical, but more of a 'musical' view on it.. Er, not really sure how to explain it, but I can say that though I'm not usually that fond of song-fics, this was really good! I think you've fitted the lyrics in well, at parts in the text where there is a slight pause, and not a full stop.
"they not longer had the power to subject her to the dementor’s kiss." _no_ longer maybe?
"Green flashed erupted from Bellatrix’s wand" and, _flashes_?
Other than these easily corrected mistakes, I noticed nothing. You've got an all around good fic here, with a nice flow, good characters, and good language, nicely descriptive!Author's Response: Thank you very much for that review!
The song isn't particularly 'jolly' really, then again it isn't really dark enough. It's just fast enough to picture quick fire action and darting. Which is what I tried to get across. You can't listen to the song at the same pace of reading it, but perhaps that is something I should try and do in the future :P
And thank you for the pointed out technicalities, just little typos that are easily fixed. There have been so many pointed out recently that I am to fix them all right now. Report Review
Heya I’ve come to review as you requested! ^_^
Ok I’m going to start with grammar, because it gets it all over and done with ^_^
1) “Withholding the urge to castle with glee” – I’m guessing you meant ‘cackle’ not ‘castle’ :-)
2) “He was still a tall, well built man yet had the underfed look to him that made his frame seem wasted on him.” – I just thought this sentence was a bit awkward. I don’t know why, I just did. An example would be helpful, I guess…erm…ok how about this: ‘He was still tall and well built, but had an underfed look to him that made his frame seem wasted on him.’
3) “She disapparated with a loud pop and ended up back in her cell, immediately striking down the two investigators that had been sent there to see what had allowed her to break out, only she knew what had allowed her to break out and she didn’t care whether it was found out.” – this was quite a long sentence. Maybe you should consider separating it into two sentences or something.
4) “which she hadn’t managed to attend to in over thirteen years.” – I don’t think the second ‘to’ is needed.
Overall, I really liked this story. I love Bellatrix stories, and I thought you characterised her really well. She was so perfectly evil, and I thought the torturing bit and the bit at the end with the body in the fireplace were really in character. Good job! :-D
You mentioned on your form that your area for concern was realism. I think that, for most of it, the story was believable (I mean as far as an escape from a wizard prison guarded by soul sucking monsters can be ^_^). There were occasional bits where I wasn’t really sure what was going on, such as when Bellatrix apparated back to her cell. Why did she do that? I know she was getting away from the ministry officials, but her cell seems like the last place she should logically go to. Also, when she is running down the corridors at the very end, it seemed a bit unbelievable that she didn’t get hit by at least one or two of the spells the ministry officials were throwing at her. I mean, there was one of her and loads of them. That’s just what I think, though, and if you don’t agree feel free to ignore me :-)
I really did enjoy this story. The song worked really well with the storyline, too, which was good as most of the time they don’t. The opening line was great and drew me in from the start.
That’s everything I can think of. I loved reading this story, and it was nice because it was very different to everything else I’ve been reading at the moment. It was good to read something different :-)
Hope this review was helpful!
Katherine (DearMyLove on the forums ^_^)
Author's Response: Wow that is quite some review. I won't comment on everything or I'll be here for days but it was really helpful thanks a lot! I will get straight onto all of the grammar errors and stuff. Some of them were just typos and little slip-ups, even proof reading misses them out.
You picked up upon the areas which I thought were quite weak, they definitely need looking into in the near future and I will keep your comments in mind. I can't really remember each of her actions and reasoning, but I will try and make it more believable.
Thanks a lot! Report Review
A very nice missing moment scene!
The only thing that bothered me was that it was alot of action... it should have been fleshed out because at a point, it was pretty unsubtle. All good action scenes have lots of details, take the idea of the Cricatius curse and say how it affected Bellatrix, you know?
Very nice song, it compliments the story welll.Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviewing, and most importantly pointing out something you don't like!
Whilst I can understand where you are coming from I disagree slightly. The whole point of action is for it to be. Boom. Boom. Boom. Chaos, spur of the moment things and sometimes fleshing stuff out can take away the action. Quicker movement pulls the reader in more as reading it is as fast as it would happen, sometimes fleshing it out can makes it as though they are watching from above. Besides, Bellatrix has never been subtle, she is desperate after over a decade in Azkaban, she has no time for a master plan full of intricacies and subtelties. She simply wants to get out and find her master, anyone she kills in the process is a simple warm up for later.
But I will perhaps look at some parts and try and flesh it out a little. I understand where you are coming from and some areas are extremely vague.
Thanks once again for your review, very helpful. Report Review
oh my! scary mary! that was really scary! seriously, i'm in my room at midnight, everyones a sleep and now i read it! gawd silly me! that was so scary! but so amazing at the same time! how did u think of something like this! its amazing!!! well done!! keep em coming!
i miss you
hope to speak to you soon!
lots of love//neti x
by the way: i tried not to comment on ur vocab this time! did u notice! but it was still amazing! phew i wish i cud write like you! jelouse monster neti! Author's Response: You can comment on whatever you like Net, as long as you realise that I don't have the skill of Rowling herself! :)
It's not too scary, well okay it may be a little intimidating in places, particularly when she flings his body unceremoniously into the fire, but that is Bellatrix for you!
How did I think of something like this? Well you can blame Thin Lizzy for that one, you gotta love 'em.
Miss you too, I'll e-mail as soon as poss, thanks for reviewing. Don't read my stuff late at night, it's not good for you! Report Review
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