This was definitely an interesting story. I wasn't really sure where you were going with it, but it had a funny/slightly creepy twist in the end. All in all, though, I enjoyed reading it. Good job!Author's Response: Thank you for the review and I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. Ha, ha, nice pun *twist at the end*...I never thought about it, but it actually does, literally have a twist at the end.
I'm glad you enjoyed this. Report Review
Of course I had to read this story now that I've been reading "Bodies at Rest." I can't remember the date on this, and I'm too lazy too look, so I don't know how long ago it was written. However, I believe that "Bodies at Rest" is better written than this story. Though this one-shot was rather long, it still feels like you tried to cram a lot of information into it. Some scenes I felt weren't sufficiently developed; you described a lot of action in one or two paragraphs to move the story along. If some of that could have been condensed or if it had been further developed to make this story 2-3 chapters, I think the flow would have been better.
Now while I'm being negative, I have to ask. Harry has a Blackberry? O_o And a laptop? Well, if you must. I thought it was overkill on the Muggle technology, though. (Then again, I rarely like to see it; it drives me bonkers when Draco drives a convertible and owns a giant flatscreen TV on which he plays Halo and MarioKart, etc. No, I am not making this up, unfortunately.) I have to say that Harry's ridiculous attempts at humor grated on my nerves in this chapter too.
There were some things I did like in this story, though. For one, you invented all sorts of likely magical spells and prodecures. I think it's so neat when HP fanfic writers do that, especially when it seems so natural and well thought out (no "magico makeup" spells for me) as it did here. It's just like an extension of JKR's work.
I also liked that Fred got to make an appearance. I'll admit the horror house scene did gross me out - that is definitely not my "thing." However, you had Fred so in character! The way he winked and indicated for Harry to do something mischeivous (though vital to everyone's safety) was great. And, naturally, I was moved by the messages Fred relayed, although the Lavender one was purely funny. Actually, of all the sentences in this story, I think the one that moved me most was when George said he wanted a funny zombie.
One thing I'm a little confused about: Am I making this up, or do I remember reading somewhere, probably ch 1, in "Bodies at Rest" that George does not create Inferi? That the bodies he raises are something different? Haha, I really should just go back and look myself. Also, you describe George's weight in BaT with Harry observing he's become even heavier, yet here, he's not even described as pudgy. Or if he is, I've totally missed it; my bad. Sorry about all this nit-picking!Author's Response: BTW, I don't mind the negatives, I take them in the spirit of the CC that you intend.
Yes, this story was written about 2 years ago. It was the second fic I had written after 18-20 years of not writing. I had never really written fiction, so this was something new to me. If I were writing this now, it would be longer, better written (I believe), and the technology would be toned down a lot; only the gun would remain.
I'm glad you think that 'Bodies at Rest' is written better. I learned a lot from my hidden story about characterization and description (esp. emotional description). I credit my two betas, reallyginny (who is a wonderful author) and Bella_Portia (who is likewise a wonderful author).
I can totally see what you mean about cramming in a lot of info. I meant it to be a 'day in the life' of Harry and I wanted it to be fast paced, but perhaps it was too fast paced.
Looking back at this, it needs a makeover, but I'm loathe to do it because of one of my philosophies. I believe in editing usually just for typos, factual errors and grammatical mistakes; letting the story stay as it was written to show my development. I've changed my stance a bit on that as I work on my first fic's re-write (it's hidden now). Now I believe a story can always use a polishing type edit.
It's funny the things you can forget or change. In my mind's eye, George Krupp was always a fat little boy, but you're correct that I don't really state that in 'Graverobbers'. That will definitely need to be edited in. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm really glad you like my spells and procedures, I actually put a lot of thought into those and now I have a classic language expert as a beta (Bella_Portia), so expect some new things as we go.
Fred's appearance was vital and the reason that my OC was named George. It gives it a round feeling.
It's correct that these are most definitely not Inferi, who are mere puppets. These are Animortes, zombies with personality, as much personality as a magical portrait. Harry at this point doesn't know what they are, so he calls them Inferi, even though he knows they aren't exactly that. He has no frame of reference for them.
Thank you so very much for the CC and I will go back after the queue re-opens and add the description of George's weight and perhaps do a substantial revision of the story.
I never mind nit-picking. Merci beaucoup. Report Review
When Det. Singh asked why MI-5 was interested in their little graverobbing problem, I found myself wondering what Fox Mulder would have said as he prepared to commandeer a local investigation on behalf of the FBI.
I was drawn into the police procedural aspect of this story, with the wizarding forensics. The effect on me was, however, that it became more of a procedural, the little graverobber became more of the ordinary experience of a wizard detective, if that makes sense. In other words, as the mystery is solved by logical, credible and familiar means, the sense of horror is diminished. I mention this because I thought horror may have been the dominant effect you were after.
I think that for this to grab the reader as a horror story, it needs to be a little longer. Although the story is written from Harry's POV, you don't really get a sense of dread coming from him. The only person expressing fear is Mary, the forensic tech. Ron, likewise, doesn't seem too bothered.
I was thinking that the scene at the Haunted House might be a good time for Harry to recall who's who (or brief Ron). I may just be dense. (Probably!) But it took me 3 readings to realize that the creature holding little George was the old fanatic who killed his children. (BTW: would there be anything left save bones of old Taggart, who's been dead for 35+ years?) It also seemed to me that this might be a good time to introduce the idea that these creatures are not really Inferi; even in the short section devoted to them, they are clearly not behaving as Inferi.
It seemed a bit odd, having Fred coming back to life and acting very much as himself. It may have been the absence of explanation of the phenomenon. And, because he acted so like himself, I think it would be devastating for Ron.
I actually thought the line about Won-Won was kind of sad. Poor Lavender. Beyond the veil and still hasn't moved on.
I liked the Return of Conner. The virtues of firearms versus wands is the subject for a PM discussion -- personally, I'm not sold on them as a substitute for magic. It's a whole 'nother skill and far less versatile. (BTW, I'm surprised their laptops and Blackberries work at Auror headquarters.)
I think you have an amazing new world going on here.Author's Response: In my defense, I will say that this is one of the first things I ever wrote for the site and it shows a lot of what I was as a beginning writer. If I were writing it now, it would be vastly different. The technology angle would be way toned down, with only the mobile and gun still in play. I have a reason why the technology works at HQ, but since it's no longer going to be part of 'Bodies at Rest,' I'm just going to gloss it over.
The virtue of firearms versus magic is something that will come up in 'Bodies at Rest,' and it is actually going to be part of one of the main parallel stories. I've had this story for Harry in my mind for a long time.
The Lavender comment was really meant to be dead-Fred yanking Ron's chain a bit. Ron's reaction to dead-Fread is one of the things I would change in the story. I was just learning how to show instead of tell and to tell a story through dialogue, so this story's a bit flat at times.
I absolutely see your point about the procedural element taking over the horror part and I wish I knew how to fix it, but I don't want to go completely re-edit this story as it marks a place in my writing where I was developing.
George Krupp's ability to call the Animorte from the grave is what allows Taggart to have flesh on his bones. Had George had practice and a wand, he could have made them look almost alive. Very horrifying to be dead, and still have a piece of your animus stuck to your body.
Harry knows they aren't behaving as Inferi, but at this point he has no sphere of reference for them. I should make it more clear that he knows they're not Inferi, but he doesn't know exactly what they are.
Ah, Conner. This is the same Conner as DFK, but it's not the same world. Think of this as a parallel universe to the parallel universe of DFK. I know Conner's entire history and would love to write a story of it (and have written part of it), but it would be way too political for the site. If you are interested in a synopsis of Conner's life, I can provide it. If you hadn't guessed he was Slytherin at Hogwarts with the trait of 'getting stuff done, but also advancing my own agenda,' without the Dark Arts end of it being so pronounced. He's definitely not one-dimensional.
I learned a lot from this work and DFK's early chapters about how to develop a story and show emotion. That's why I felt comfortable now in following it up. The CC that people had, especially for those two stories made a lot of difference in my development.
As far as wizard detectives, if you have a desire to write a noir detective, I have the name and profile for you, because I don't think I could write it well.
I think Fox would be boggled by the wizarding world, and this was meant to be a sort of X-Files thing. Report Review
Wow, what an interesting and unique story. I love the action and the mystery of it and I love the muggle technology being added in. It’s pretty neat to picture Harry and Ron like that in here. He seemed to have a bit of fun trying to blend in. You did a good job of dragging me into this story… I like that it was a little case here, but it seemed much more than that… it had a lot going on at once – sorry, I’m having trouble explaining my thoughts here. I liked at the end there how Fred was able to give that little message to Harry. That was sweet. I enjoyed this story a lot, even if I couldn’t explain it very well. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review. This story garners really mixed reviews, so I'm glad to get a nice one.
I thought that a Halloween Auror case might be a nice little story and be interesting to some people.
I'm happy that the story's engaging enough to draw people into it and keep their attention.
You're right that there's more to it than that and I do have a novella length sequel planned for this detailing George Krupp's time at Hogwarts, but it's on the way back burner right now.
Thanks again, I appreciate the review. Report Review
W.O.W. That was amazing writing and the plot had me completely sucked in. It was so suspenseful! I'm really impressed that you packed that much plot into a one-shot. It was really creepy too, but in the way it was intended to be, I think. ;) Really well done! I am glad I didn't read it at night though... guess I'm just not a big enough girl for horror. :D 10/10
Oh yeah, and I'm really picky about grammar type things, and I didn't spot anything in this! So well done on that too. Of course, that may be partly due to the fact I was totally sucked in to reading this. But I didn't see much out of place in your other stories either, so I doubt it./rambling
Again, amazing plot and amazingly done.
Reviewers, unite! Writers, write!
-Luna-Author's Response: Hey thanks again for the very nice review. I pride myself on spelling and grammar and I just die inside when someone finds a mistake in one of my stories, so I'm glad that this is error-free.
This is a story that I really thought about and planned before writing, so that may be why it feels so tight, when I know that the plots of my hidden novella and my novel WIP are quite a bit looser.
I really wanted it to be horror with a darkly humorous twist at the end (pun intended).
Wow, intersting story.
One thing you want to watch, though, is when two people are talking, like Harry and Hermione for instance, is that you don't overuse their names too much. If that makes any sense.
I also found it slightly intriguing that harry had a blackberry.
~Kaleigh~Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I have answered about the technology a lot in other responses, so I won't go into it here. I'm glad that you thought it was interesting. Thanks for the suggestions on dialogue. I have learned a lot since writing this story about writing and will re-write it at some point, and I will probably look closely at the dialogue at that point.
especially the lavender part
the other inferi kinda creeped me out thoughAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review and kind words. LOL about Lavender's comments. Well, the problem is that they aren't really Inferi, but Harry has no experience with what they really are. It's meant to be slightly creepy, so I'm glad that I hit that mark. Report Review
Wow. Highly intriguing. I love that the Aurors have cover as MI-5 agents, that's brilliant. And using guns, good one there. I am confused as to how someone born in 1988 was in school with the trio (born 1979 (Hr) and 1980 (R and H)). Is this an AU timeline? Another point, JKR has said that Muggle technology goes haywire around magic (Hermione mentions it in GoF too) - there's an interesting article about it on the Lexicon called "When Magic Meets Muggle Technology." At any rate, extremely interesting story, although I agree with other reviewers that Fred as a zombie is disturbing :( Poor Freddie. Excellent writing, and I'm excited to see more of little George Krupp.Author's Response: Well, the answer on the dates is: I simply screwed up, not supposed to be an AU timeline. I'm going to have to write it out and correct it, since George is the same age as Teddy Lupin. Thank you for catching it.
The technology point is something that I was aware of, but it's something that
Conner, the new chief Auror has a work-around for, as he wants to modernise the Aurors and use both magic and Muggle techniques.
Thanks, I always thought that Aurors would need Muggle covers or they would have to use way more memory charms than ever, especially with the proliferation of video web sites. It would be very easy to quash a video as a MI-5 agent, but not so easy magically.
Thank you for the nice review. I do intend to use George again in a future story, in which you'll see that Fred wasn't exactly an Inferi or a zombie, but something more. Report Review
its a cool story, but Inferi can't talked i don't thinkAuthor's Response: You are correct. What George raises are not Inferi, but that is what Harry thinks of them as since he has never seen or heard of the type of zombies that George raises. Look for George in a future fic for further explanation.
I really liked this. I am writing something similar Special Agent Gordon about an auror in the FBI.
Not sure the ministry modernised that fast to now have laptops and blackberrys. Also Harry would have been made to qualify on pistol when he was issued with it. I like covering an auror as an MI5 agent - but Harry would have to dress like an agent - not in robes.
Finally the confundus charm causes temporary confusion. To have the desired effect on the policewoman Harry would have to use an imperius curse to force her to hand over the files followed by a memory charm.Author's Response: Doh! Good catches. I'm surprised that with as much as this story has been read that your the first to catch the robes problem... In the movies they call that a continuity error. I meant to have Harry cast an illusion over his robes, but left it out.
As for the pistol, yes, Harry would have had to qualify for it, and he did. That scene will be shown in another fic I have planned. Conner has a great demonstration with comparing the internet to a divination spell for information gathering quickly also in that planned story. I just want to make it clear that not all the Ministry went with the tech, just the Aurors and a new dept. that Hermione is working with.
Doh, good catch again with the curse. Re-reading the story, I can see that you are correct and I used the wrong spell.
Thanks for your review, it's this type of CC that really helps. Report Review
i think this is the most amusing scary story i have ever read. I love it!Author's Response: Thank you. This story seems to be a love or hate thing. Glad you liked it. I think I got the humour just right in it. Report Review
Really clever story ;D Love your writing style.
xAuthor's Response: Thank you, I feel that I am finally developing my style. "The Dementor's First Kiss" was my first creative writing in about 20 years, so I think it shows some of my learning curve. This story had been plotted out and written in a rush over 2 days, so I thought it would bomb, but it generally seems to be well received.
It's interesting to me that some people really object to the technology, and some don't.
Thank you for your review. Report Review
Ahhh, interesting. First i was alittle disturbed with Fred and all that, but i turned out to be a good little short on Harry's life beyond the 7th book. keep writing! Oh, and by the way, thanks for reviewing my story.Author's Response: Thanks. A lot of people are turned off by the Muggle technology, which I can understand.
I believe in leaving review for stories that I have read, so you are welcome. Report Review
actually, i'm lying. i didn't like it, but i dunno why. oh well.Author's Response: That's okay, not every story is for everybody. Report Review
Nice ending! But I thought Inferi were only puppets. Also, why would wizards be using telephones and computers?Author's Response: For the technology answer, please look at the other reviews for this story, as I have answered it before.
As for Inferi, you are correct, they are only puppets. What George raises aren't Inferi, they are something else, but Harry thinks of them as Inferi since he doesn't know just what they are.
George Krupp will be back in some later stories of mine and it will be better explained just what the dead he raises are. Report Review
dude this wuz the best!Author's Response: TY, glad you liked it.
Awww so sweetAuthor's Response: Thank you. Report Review
A very interesting story, to be sure. I like the time frame and the fact that it shows Harry, Ron and Hermione at work. It shows good use of magic (love the bit about the photograph!) but I thought they relied too much on muggle technology. All the phone calls made it seem a little too much like an X-Files story. Don't get me wrong, I like the X-Files. I also liked the story. And the relationship between magic and muggles is an issue in my own HP project. In general, as a one-off, your story works very well. It was consistant with itself and it held my interest till the end. And it was very nice that Fred had not been forgotten. Thank you for your story.Author's Response: The technology will be important when I do other Harry as an Auror stories. Thanks for the review, I appreciate the kind words. Glad people like this story generally. Report Review
I love, love, love it (:
& It had me terribly scared at first.
little children coming out of graves is a little disturbing.
you wrote extremely well.
new favs, both the story & you.
*chow*Author's Response: Thank you for the review and adding to faves. Report Review
great story!Author's Response: Thank you. Report Review
That was excellent! Very creepy (in a good way) and funny. I like the little touches such as the boy being called george. You also wrote the ministry procedures and the characters really well!
This story is definitely one of my favorites!Author's Response: Thank you, it seems I got the tone just right. As far as procedures, I actually forgot that they would not be able to apparate/disapparate from inside the ministry, oh well. Thanks for the review, glad you liked it. Report Review
Very nice! My first fan ficiton read, and I liked it very much.Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Wow, your first fan-fic read. What drew you to it? Feel free to post on my author's page and let me know. Thanks for the compliment.
Amazing. Simply amazing. Very angsty, horrific and just long enough! The story line is great too, very original. I loved it! I can't wait to read more of this caliber!
But it was a bit odd that you incorporated so much technology, though it really went well, you know, didn't throw you off too much.
And props for having Harry being so funny (with the voices!)
1000.9 for sure! Forget about the ten!
*sniff* fred! *wails*Author's Response: Thanks for the great review. The technology was introduced by Conner, the new Chief Auror. Harry likes some of it like the internet, blackberries, and gps, but hates guns.
Seems like people either like the phone humour with Hermione or hate it, glad you liked it. Report Review
It's difficult to visualize Harry Potter carrying a revolver, blackberry and saying "Ta" to Hermione. The universe of wizards and muggles are merging in ways Rowling never imagined.
Other than that, it was a nice little yarn.Author's Response: Harry really doesn't want to carry a gun, but it is a new rule for Aurors under Conner. He sees technological tools as a useful, quick way to augment magical research.
As for "Ta" that's just Harry yanking her chain on the phone. For some reason, I picture adult Harry having a fun relationship with Hermione that results in minor pranking, and always in strange phone behaviour. Report Review
This is was great. There were some missing commas, but it didn't really bother me, because everything else was wonderful. I love that you threw in Fred's personality. Great job! :)Author's Response: Thanks for your review. If you want, you can PM me or put on my author page where the missing commas are. I'm always willing to improve my grammar. Report Review
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