ok i hate that davey dide but it felt right but the whole voldamort thing wasnt realistic and you cand non-verbaly cast avada kadavra so that was wrong but it was goodAuthor's Response: Thank you for your response. That was something that occurred to me when I reread this story more recently. Report Review
omg i loved it!! but y?? david?! waaa- well u jst told me y and i think it was a good reason- but still! haha no im jk. but thats so mean veronica didnt love david as much??! i think its bc she was a teenager/ not an adult and kids hav a hard time showing what they feel and/or they dnt feel it. i dunno thats what i think. im prolly totaly wrong but w.e. i loved the story alot and i really hope there is a sequel!!! :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it. You're actually kind of right about Veronica. She was just a teenager, and not yet to the point where she truly saw him as more than a pest. The sequal (well technicly it's a parallel telling about what David went through during the time frame of this story) is actually out. It's called David Weasley and the Challenge of a Lifetime, so check it out if you have the chance. Report Review
The story was alright. It was pretty cheesy, though. You need more details! This will help offset the "lovey-dovey" story.
The characters' emotions are done well, but I'm not so sure about their personalities. Victoire (which you spelled as 'Victorie') was very passive. Typically, writers give the protagonist a strong personality, since she is a dynamic character. For Bill, work on developing his emotions a little bit; he was very against the wedding until the day of the event, which is a sudden change. Try to give hints of him giving up his feeling of paternity a little earlier in the story. Make static and dynamic characters; a "static" character is someone who stays the same throughout the entire story (Fleur or Gabrielle, typically a minor character), while a "dynamic" character changes (Victoire, Bill, David).
Also, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes! Punctuation is a problem as well. For example,
“No I don’t want a ‘I suppose’, I want you to say that you know that it wasn’t your fault.” Victorie said. Cody mumbled something indistinct, “What?” She asked.
This should be rewritten as,
"No, I don't want an 'I suppose,' I want you to say that you know that it wasn't your fault," Victoire said. Cody mumbled something indistinct. "What?" she asked.
Commas go inside the quotation marks ("'I suppose,'" "...it wasn't your fault,"). After the quote, unless you are starting a new sentence or using a proper noun, the first letter of the next word is lower-case ("'What?' she asked.")
This has potential, but it's not there yet. Work on developing the characters and getting into more depth; it's too straightforward right now. Fix the punctuation, grammar, and spelling mistakes, too!Author's Response: Okay, I'll take your advice. I'm still working on grammar, and at this point in time I feel I'm doing better. I feel I'vehad this story under completed to long to have it go under to many changes. It's just that I've been away from it so long that I've just kind of lost contact with a few of those details. I'll see if I have time to make some of those changes, but I might not be able to. I'm sorry, but I'm more preocupied with making current stories and trying not to let them have those mistakes. Report Review
the story is good- but its victoire weasley- not victorieAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it! I know about the name thing, but I didn't realize it untill I was almost done with the story. Until it was pointed out I couldn't tell because I was being totally blind and saw it differently. Report Review
Don't worry about the time gaps. This isn't Neoclassic French theatre, it's the 21st century! Great story, by the way. I'm enjoying it.Author's Response: Thanks, I was just worried that those gaps might get on peoples nerves I guess. I'm glad you like it. Report Review
good so far. . . . . .Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
good attempt but you MUST work on your grammar. i mean nobodys perfect but seriously now.
Author's Response: Thanks! It's alright that you're english isn't that good, the only way you'll get better is practice and I'm glad that my storie can play a part in that!
you're - means you are. your should have been used.
you spelled story wrong. its definately not storie.
i'm sorry but this is preliminary stuff. you really should brush up. great attempt though and i like where this is goingAuthor's Response: Thanks, and the grammer gets better as the story goes on. I do still need to work on it though. Did I really spell story that way? I must check that, blonde moment! Report Review
Great story. To bad it is over, but I think that other story from David's point of view will be good. I don't have much to say about the end. The end is the end. I don't know if you are planning on continuing with the David story only or if you are also planning on getting back to your other story(ies). I thought it was a good story all around. From the very beginning when Teddy and Victorie just liked each other to them getting married until David dying. I liked every single chapter. Each one was like a small story in itself, but they all went together. Anyway, please write something, anything, soon. Please.
P.S. Since you seem to be a great writer, I was thinking of starting to write a bit. I tried writing a short story once and deleted it before anyone read it. So, I was thinking of doing a funny song fic. I was wondering if you had a song or two in mind. They don't have to be funny, just anything at all. Or if have a different plot for another story that isn't a song fic that you weren't planning on using, maybe you could help me a little. That would be great if you have anything. If not, please write back in your review that you don't have any idea. If you didn't say anything at all, I would think you completley forgot about me. That would make me sad. (boo hoo!!!). Anyway, anything would be great.Author's Response: Thanks, and it's sad that it's over. That one's in validation. Thanks for being my most dedicated reader and reviewer!
Sure I'll help you! There's always Get Drunk and Be Sombody, you could disregaurd book seven and make it A Yule Ball type thing and have Fred and George their! Report Review
wehh. boring.Author's Response: Well! If you have any stories don't count on any positive feedback! Report Review
Love it, You've done a GREAT job;
Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
this is great story i wish it didn't have to end but i think it would be a cool idea to give us davey's version of the events... 10/10Author's Response: Thanks, but unfortunatly it has to end. Davey's version should be out soon I just submitted it. Report Review
Hi! I love it. I can not bevllie it's done. It dose not had a comped on it. U're welcome. I'm happy that they had kids. Did they name David one of their kids? Have a super life and a nice Thanksgiving if u are an American 100-100! Jackie.Author's Response: Thanks I love that you love it! I can't beleive it's done either, but check out the parralel. I'm glad they had kids too. Yes David was one of their kids in the epilogue. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving too! AMERICANS RULE! Report Review
greaat chapter i love how you got cody to take the cloak off
this was a wonderful stoy i will miss reading but i cant wait to read wat it was like from david POV so get it up soon plz
10/10Author's Response: Thanks! I liked that part too. I'm going to miss writing it. It'll be on within the next week or two. Report Review
Hi. I love it. It's me again. I thought that Molly was gone beuaces. Yes she was killed by Molly Weasley. I do not what 10 to be the last chapter.I went you to update it soon. I got a new posswood again. Oh in my Internet it said that I'm bannd from this weds and I'm on ALO from my computer. What Teddy saw his brother in law's death? I hope that Ron or Harry did not saw their newphew's death or Vicky to saw her brother's death. 100-100! Jackie hugs kiss, Author's Response: Thanks! And not just for the reviews but for demonstrating that you don't hate me. I don't want it to end either but I'm going to post a parrelel about David so check it out in a few weeks. It was just Teddy who actually saw it. Report Review
Completely furious at you for killing him, but it's a fantastic story so keep writing it!Author's Response: I'm sorry! I cried when I wrote that if the knolege of that helps! Good to know that, there's only one chapter left.
By the way, here's something else that might help, I'm writeing a parelel to this story about David. Basicly it's from his point of view and what he does during this story, with ocasional looks inside his best friend, Alyssa's, head. Report Review
okey i kind of thought he would die but atleast write some more so i know what happens!Author's Response: There's more don't worry! And since you reviewed I can take comfort in the fact that you don't seem to hate me! Report Review
No!, but nice job writing it. I must say it was good, but there wasn't much detail. Everything was pretty spaced out from each other. Like, they went from Davey leaving the house to everyone dueling suddenly like that. But, if you did go into detail, this would be a lonnnggg chapter. I still thought it was good. And no, I don't hate you for writing it. I just wonder what everyone else is going to do. I don't know how much further you are planning to take this story, cause I can't think of what will happen after that. Anyway, it was good. Update soon, please!
P.S.- My prediction from my review in the last chapter was right! (unfortunatly)Author's Response: Thanks. I know there wasn't mush detail, but I was scared it'd be to looonnnggg. Thanks for not hating me! There's only one chapter left, and it's going to be that and an epilogue. Report Review
Such a amazing story, I understand how you killed david, I could just feel it coming. It's hard to kill someone when your writing!
Great Job, PLEASE PLEASE
write more, dying for more
Author's Response: Thanks! And I guess it's just that kind of thing you know, go to read somthing and you're just like I know someones gonna die. It was so hard to kill him I cried when I wrote it! One chapter to go!
But I'm writeing a kind of parralel to it about David and what's going on with him during this story. I'm so weak! I can't let him go yet! Report Review
This is a great chapter even the death makes sense.. I understand it had to happen just like remus and tonks had to die in d.h. but that doesn't mean i have to like it... don't kill teddy or victoire please 10/10Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad to know it makes sense. I won't kill anyone else I promise. (But to be honest that *bleep* Drake might have been killed, oh darn one less *bleep* in the world!) Report Review
i knew when i read the chapter sumary i was going to cry and i did i so cannot believe you killed him it was still a great chapter though i cant believe only one chapter to go i love this story i dont want it to end
10/10Author's Response: I knew when I wrote this chapter I would cry, and I too was right. I'm sorry I killed him, please don't hate me! I can't believe it either. I honestly can't make myself quit, so here's the thing I miss writeing about David, so I'm writeing a story about him and what he'd doing during this story when we don't see him. You know show what's going on in his head. Report Review
another good chapter but I think the story need more talking (didnt know how to write the other word "conversation" something like that hehe) and it gos a litle bit to fast and dont mind the gap between chapters but just in the chapter just all off a sudden 5 hours have gone by but good:D
(english not my thing can read it well but write not so good hehe)Author's Response: Thanks, but you know here's the thing, I would go to write long conversations and than think they were talking to much. I'm sorry if it bothers you. I'm glad to here that you don't mind the gap.
Once again the only way to improve will be to practice and I hope this is helpful. Report Review
good first chapter but I would like to see more what they are like you know say more about the chars but good job:D
( my english is not very good ):DAuthor's Response: Thanks! It's alright that you're english isn't that good, the only way you'll get better is practice and I'm glad that my storie can play a part in that! Report Review
and now teddy gets so angry that he kills dolohov... right? love this story!Author's Response: Not telling! Report Review
Hi! I love it. What in David? Is that Bill & Flure's son? I can not bevllie that David is gone. I am at school. Molly gone too. I do not what to caried abou Daivd gone I'm at school in class doing nothing. I lost my passwood. 100-100! ~Jackie~ hugs kiss UPDATE Author's Response: Thanks, and yes he is there son! I can't either, don't hate me! No Molly's not gone too, where did you get that idea!
Only one more chapter left! Report Review
Great! I do think that was kind of a strange twist of fate. I wasn't really expecting that since the wedding just happened, but it was a good twist. Better to do that than to leave it at a seven-chapter wedding story, but I do think it would still be good with or without the twist, but I am glad you did it. I kind of feel bad for Victorie. She and Teddy just got married and now he might die. Well, Darn! I have a feeling that David is going to find a way to fight or a least try to. If someone is that determined about something like that, they usually don't and really can't just let it go. I also have a feeling that someone is going to die, but that is just a guess cause there is no way I could know. I am just a reader. It's not like I read your material before it gets validated. Nope. No way for that to happen. Anyway, update soon, please.Author's Response: Thanks! I thought it was to, and I thought that was a good place to put it, seeing as that's where it would be least expected. So sad! As for David, you'll have to find out. And y'all just like making me feal bad don't you! And it's not like I've already told you part of the ending to this story, or let you read any of it before it was on, no way thast could happen. Report Review
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