I love this. So captivating, beautiful characterization and stunning imagery.
Thank you, for what I feel is one of the best fanfiction I have read.
PeaceAuthor's Response: Thank you for this review, Mediocre. This is one my favorite reviews of all time.
There is a sequel of sorts to this, my newest fic: About Quidditch Mostly. Report Review
Wow. Absolutely... wow. I've actually got tears streaming down my face right now. That was utterly fantastic. If it was possible to write more than one, I would come back and write one I know will be more sensible than this will.
To answer your area of concern, I think it flowed wonderfully. The way you wrote it was like his thoughts, so the stream of consciousness type of thing really worked well.
I love how you characterized them and took us through the span of their relationship... you wrote it so well that I was able to feel both Wynter and Will... just wonderful.
I would definitely suggest proofreading this... there were a lot of easily fixed mistakes in here. Maybe a beta would catch them better? Just my opinion.
Really though, this was so wonderful, I'm definitely favoriting it!
-JillAuthor's Response: Thank You so much for this fine review. I'm glad you liked it. I had recently edited it, and had left the changes a bit sloppy. I've fixed most of them now though, although I will take your advice and send this to a beta again. Report Review
Amazing. It was so sad when she died. I thought the story was gonna be fluff and happy and all that. It was so sad how she died, tortured to death by Bella. Will made me unhappy cause he loved her so much, but it seemed like he would kill himself. 10/10Author's Response: Thank You. Wow a ten!
No Will wouldn't do that, as like Wynter he's a Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are not ones to give up on life no matter how hard it gets. This is a monumental low point in his life, but his friends (those that remain will help him and each other through it). His life will be lived for her now. Report Review
Oh my god, that was so sad. You've brought tears to my eyes. Just amazing. Everything worked. Don't change too much, because I love it the way it is. Beautiful. Absolutely beautifulAuthor's Response: Thank You! I'm so glad you liked it. I've needed my writing confidence bosted lately. So this helps!
I think after about three months I can honestly say Wynter is Cold is done, unless I still find a typo or two. I do have a few ideas for another Wynter story though. Thanks for the review. Report Review
You had said in the forums that this sort of applied to my challenge, so I thought I'd give it a read. I'm going to give my critique in list form...
-Your beginning paragraphs were really nice; they definitely captured my attention.
-Winter was always my favorite season and Wynter my favorite girl. Great line. Very clever.
-I was never cold when wrapped in her arms. She was my joy, my fuel, my always and forever; my passion, my heat and my heart. But now my Wynter is cold, too cold. I was thinking that maybe here you should say something about how he couldn't return the favour of being held in warm arms because her death brought him such coldness. It might be a chilling statement.
-I liked that he blamed Cedric for awhile. The anger and resentment were very realistic.
-Good job making OCs and minor characters reach out to the readers.
-Amazing banner; it caught my eye right away!
Overall, this is a very nicely done fic. Great job!
--Kate/RPAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review Kate/RP.
First, I can't take any credit for the banner. I have no clue how to make them. The banner is all Jessi Rose's work. She's one of the best banner makers and writers on the site.
I'm glad you liked my opening lines
I've struggled with them and changed them a lot, but now I'm pretty much happy with them. The Winter...etc line as I recall was the first or nearly the first line I wrote when I was playing with the gestational ideas for this fic. Her name as I recall was always Wynter.
I like your idea, I'll need to think about that. Everyone seems to like the Cedric part.
I hope you get some other responses to your challenge. Again thanks for the review.
you have asked on the forum's review thread for a review.
Well, here I am to leave you one. :)
First of all I'd like to say that I liked your story very much.
You know why? It was different and a bit unusual.
Although Wynter is dead in the story, there is a special "aura" about her, you gave her a real character (I loved it when you mentioned how she loved to make stew).
It was very good that you depicted her death so realistically, without theatrical "big words" and things like that.
To tell you the truth I think you touched a very difficult topic, you described someone's tragedy and mourning.
This topic just draws clichés and theatrical exagerrations like a magnet.
You stayed away from these mistakes and that's very good.
You tried to stay realistic and followed very wisely the philosophy of less words, more meaning.
Others before me have already mentioned what a good idea it was to make Wyll blame Cedric for Wynter's death. I think that's exactly what most of us would do to veil our pain.
I also loved Hannah and Neville.
They were fabulous, the way they dealt with Wyll's (yes, with y lol) mourning while they had their own pain. Very good, really.
For me for some strange reason the most moving scene was when Wyll compared his tragedy to Molly's.
It's totally insane and crazy, yet, this is just the way people feel in these situations. They often think and feel illogically, they try to put the blame on others - people and God - they rage, they fall in despair and they think that there's no worse pain than their own.
You used these feelings very well.
Any negative remarks?
Well, hardly any.
Perhaps I wouldn't have mentioned the kids Wyll wanted to have.
I feel him and Wynter a bit young for that and imagining myself in Wyll's shoes I thought that maybe my feeling of loss for her would have erased everything like that from my mind only wishing to see her smile again. But that's just a question of tastes.
Congratulations and keep on writing.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review and responding to my forum request. What made my write this was the fact that in DH, more then fifty people die in the final battle, but Harry only knows four.
This made me curious. He were these people? So I wrote about two of them.
I'm glad you liked this. It's probably my favorite fic and I think my best. Although it's close to Teddy Bear. I was worried wheather I did the mourning well.
Wynter thinks about kids because being an ophan most of her life, she never really had family. Her Hufflepuff friends are her family, just like his Gryffindor friends are Harry's. That's why she went back. She's in Ginny's year by the way and shouldn't have been there. But she's a mature sixteen, like Ginny almost seventeen, that's why she's friends with Hannah and Susan who are older. She only joined the DA in DH.
Will is 19 almost twenty and hasn't been in school for two years. He was in Cedrics year, so he's starting to think about family. He knows almost nothing about the DA. Report Review
First off, what did Bellatrix do to Wynter that she died screaming? I don't know why, but I expected more (not necessarily gruesome) details from the man who told me I could add some more blood and gut spilled to a chapter. lol. Especially as Wyll seems rather obsessed with every details that concern his love.
I like the girl's name, Wynter. But now my Wynter is cold, too cold. That was good, all the more so that Wynter was everything but cold when she was alive. She liked to cook. She was warm and loving. And of course she was a Hufflepuff.
It's never easy to create an OC for a one-shot and develop him/her in such a way that the reader will have the feeling that they know him/her when they are through reading. But you did it here. Wynter is a rather well-rounded character, and I can't help but want to read more about her - when she was alive?
Now, Wyll's emotions and feelings. I realized I've been rambling about Wynter, when he is the one who is telling the story. He portrays his love and the life they had, the future they planned. On the whole, he's more focused on his memories than on his grief. The present is numb, with only the pain being acute, and I almost felt it was in black and white whereas the past is bright and full of sensations, color and details. Hm... I'm not sure I'm making sense. lol.
Anyway, you did a good job. Of course, it's a 10. :)
(PS: You have a few typos, at the beginning.)Author's Response: Anne,
Thanks for your review. I just did a bit more editing to fix the typos, and make some other minor adjustments. I think I can finally call this fic completed.
To answer your question: Wynter was set afire, Crucioed multiple times, bludgeoned and partially disembowled and then Bellatrix transfigured Wynters own lose intestines into snakes and had them atack her. Luckily Will doesn't know the specifics of most of this and Susan isn't going to tell him. It was an awful death.
But through all that Wynter never stopped trying to fight, at least not until she saw Susan go down trying to save her. And Bellatrix left her and Susan in agony to die and Will found them both, sans the snakes thank Merlin.
The intestines part (w/o) the Snakes (I just made that part up now), was in a previous version of this, (I talked about the bloody sausage sticky on the floor)but I recently edited it out. I decided the grossness was ruining the mood of the story and her injuries and the way she died were bad enough without it. And I didn't want people to be sickened by the grossness and not read the story.
Plus I realized she had been moved and some of the more grievous wounds would have quickly cleaned-up just for appearance. Wynter died fairly early in the battle to. She was dead before the 'intermission'.
I don't know if I can fit her into any other story, it might make me sad and her personality is such that she would always be in the deep background. She's even shyer than Hannah and as Will says not much of witch. And her story was mostly told here (at least in the standard DH timelines) I might give her a cameo as Hannah's friend Wynter somewhere or another. But this is really her story even more then Wyll's even though it is told by Wyll.
And thank you for mentioning the black and white and color thing for the present and the past, that is about what I was striving for.
Thank You for the review, Anne.
DA Jones (Sandy) Report Review
Beautiful. I really like the rage and dark thoughts that fill Will after Wynter's death. Blaming others, like Cedric, is such a natural stage of grief in human emotion that it's completely believable. I also think it really works that he can't feel any sympathy for Mrs. Weasley in his state over Wynter.
I also really like the perception among the DA that Neville is truly the leader now, and I can see how some would resent Harry for abandoning the DA and just disappearing (from their POV, they would not have known about Horcrux hunting).
After OotP, I saw Neville as a more heroic character and DH only confirmed my belief in that.
All in all, a great fic. 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for your review. And the ten.
This is actually I suppose my most canon ship. A missing moments ship really since I think, Neville would so something like this, but the main characters are not really canon characters.
I just made a few changes after your review, as I was only about 85% satasfied with it, but now it is completed work unless I find a grammer error or two. Report Review
First of all, I am very glad to see another story from you!
The final battle from DH has left a lot of opportunities for authors to write this kind of a story.
I am feeling a little bit confused about your intentions in this story, though. It feels to me that it is a piece about a character who is reflecting back on 'that day', when he lost someone who was very dear to him. What confuses me is that the story switches to short bursts of dialog that are in the present. Additionally, whereas a story like this is typically about heart-felt emotion, little analytical details pop-up, like the numeration of the dead and wounded, and sort of spoil the mood.
One other detail that sticks out is that, since Somersby is a relatively minor character, having him know specific details about Bellatrix doesn't seem to fit in. I realize that info of that nature could probably be obtained from the newspaper, but still, it just seems a bit much. Also, since the readers of your stories will already know all about Bellatrix, it may be redundant to reiterate it.
I think the story will work great as a reflective piece, with the main character thinking back several years, as he reads an old journal entry that he made to honor his memory of that very special girl, and the friends, that he lost that day. Will he be unmarried, or will he have grandkids? Those are the kind of things that will evoke an emotional response from me.
I truly hope this is constructive. As always, I value your thoughts!
--JimAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, Jim. The constructive criticism was very useful. Plus when you ask for the medicine as I do here in my authors notes you've got to learn to take the bitter taste.
I seem partial to these post-battle fics as I have two of them. On AU since it was before DH and this one I think DH canon.
I like your idea of writing this as a journal piece and I played around with the idea after you suggested it. But if didn't quite work because I wanted this to be more immediate. Plus there are problems with journal stories and the TOS for this site. Maybe I can use the idea in a sequel.
There were some problems with tenses in the prior draft but I just had this come back from my beta slytherinprincess and she helped me solve that issue. I was confusing even myself with all the time-shifts.
In the rewrite I took your advice and cut almost all of the Bellatrix stuff and as a consequence refocused it a bit more on the Susan Bones minor sub-plot which was more core.
The whole 'story' of writing this story has been a while process of cutting and editing. As a consequence I think I've had more fun writing this and learned more from it then any other story I've wrote. Sincere thanks for the review!
Here I am, as promised, and let me say, I've seen this before, I believe. I never thought to read it, though I've read some of your others, and I've got to tell you, you have quite an interesting style. Your short-moderate length sentences seem to work with Will (or should I say Wyll? ;D)'s attitude and grief he's going through. You really made me feel the pain that he was sure to feel.
I do, however, have a favourite line in this. It was absolutely brilliant.
Silvery laughter lit her gold-bright eyes, emblazoned her countenance and served as the cornerstone of her character, the epicenter of her bronzed beauty. The dragonfire of her soul.
Favourite line, anyone? Brilliant use of alliteration, excellent imagery. It was very cleverly written out and it shows your high use of vocabulary. Definitely ranks as one of my favourite lines ever in fanfiction.
A day so thrilling that perhaps even Binns can keep future students awake with the tale.
This line made me laugh. You've kept me intrigued with this line, through and through. I had to reread it again, it makes me smile. I can totally see you writing another piece on the final battle (I normally don't go with the missing scenes with other characters from the book, or other outtakes from it, but you've convinced me!) of Professor Binns explaining it all out to his future students, and having them hanging on every word. Perhaps one of Will's children? I'm giving you a plot bunny on a silver platter, here. XD
And I absolutely adore your bolded effect on Will's outburst. Brings the eyes directly towards that line and gives it so much power. Normally, I'd detest using bolding in such a way, but this really puts the emphasis on his agony.
There were, however, some typos that I caught, but really nothing a beta can't fix. Anyway, to touch on the bits you wanted me to touch on. I loved the ending; the ending of a story has to bring it full round again, like completing a half drawn circle. It's got to have enough power to close it off, tie off the ends. You do have a good, strong ending - however, I have a feeling it would work better if you made the last line "I believe it does and that Wynter would've liked it." into two sentences with a bit of emphasis. Maybe make it "I believe it does." And then separately, perhaps on the next line down "Wynter would have liked it."
It's just one of those things that gives it more emphasis, more meaning. As for the pace, I don't think it's monotonous. You kept my interest the entire way through, with those little surprises like the bolds, the alliteration, and the Binns line. Your pace is perfect, especially for something as agonizing as having a lover leave someone.
Overall, it was a fantastic piece. I look forward to seeing more of your writing.
To the favourites, AHOY!
Ginni.Author's Response: Ginny,
Thank you so much for the care and detail you put into this review. I'm speechless and don't know quite how to respond to it.
I like the Binns idea that you gave me and may write something on that eventually ( but I have like six projects in mind plus two novels) but I'm trying to branch out into humor and I think that is the genre most of my next few pieces will be in. I have a unique funny bone and you may have noticed that just about everything I write has an element of dark parody to it.
I just put this out for beta and I like your idea for the ending here and have already implemented it.
I'm flattered also that you liked the one line so much, I wrote it and it seemed a bit pompous to me as I don't usually go for showy writing, but if fit here because if fit Will as it would any lover in this situation as early in love most lovers tend to idolize their lovers. Think Romeo and Juliet.
And I don't know what else to say other then thank you for the review and for putting this in your favorites.
Sweet chapter, I mean really captures of wartime romance. Oh, and i'm working on the next chapter for It's Hour Come Round, it tells the story of Chrysalis's last hours from the point of view of Hermione's parents, and culminates in an epic battle... at Area 51.Author's Response: Thank you. This one shot though is not so much a war time romance, as more of a romance that ends tragically because of the war. I'm going ot make some adjustments based on Jessi Rose's cricque this weekend. I will also look at the latest chapter of your fic in a day or so.. Report Review
I'm adding my critique from SAYS to this, the part where I went a little nuts. =P I really want you to know that I loved this one shot - the emotion behind it was very powerful... had me choking up at work.
My absolute favorite thing about this one shot is the style you've written it in. I loved the use of the shorter sentences. Somehow, it gives more power behind Will's narration. We're following his thoughts... And they're broken and complete. Simple. The detail you've revealed is a good mixture between enough and leaving what need not be shown to the imagination. In the case of this story, that's an important goal to hit. We need to know Wynter - and you give us that opportunity.
We don't need to know about their surroundings, their gestures, anything mundane - you keep away from the smaller details and focus on the things that would stick out in one's mind as their thinking... and I love that about this story. I really do.
Also, I really really really really really really really have to tell you how much I loved the way that he was finding someone to blame for Wynter's death. It's so true. When we lose someone we love, we tend to blame anyone - anything - to make it make sense - to justify it. And I think it was a great addition for you to blame Cedric. It made it all the more powerful.
Again, amazing job. =DAuthor's Response: Thanks Jessie, you're critque was amazing and right to the point. I'm going to take part of the three day weekend to make some of the changes you suggestd and pick one of those banners. Thank you so much for them, they are brillant.
DA Jones (Sandy) Report Review
I cried. Thank you, I needed to spill emotions. That was great!Author's Response: You're welcome! I wasn't sure I had written this well enough to make anyone cry. Thank You! Report Review
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