Absolutely BRILLIANT story! Once I started, I got hooked and couldn't stop. Loved every second of it. Very nicely done and keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you very much. Report Review
Dude, an awesome story.
I normally don't like a lot of OC and way out of cannon, but you...You have shown me an amazing story, 9/10
I look forward to something just as great/better in the sequal, that I am starting now :DAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it, and I'm glad I interested you in something new. I hope you enjoyed the sequel too. Report Review
Wow... just wow :) I really enjoyed your story. Your views on the Dark Arts are very similar to my own. An entertaining read!
I didn't have too many problems with the story. The few times when it seemed the characters were getting too powerful, you stepped it down nicely, rebalancing things. The only thing I didn't like so much was Katie's abrupt character shift. I think that could have been foreshadowed a bit better, because one minute she seems normal, and nice, then we don't see her for a bunch of chapters, then she's Dark. Also, I was hoping for her over Ginny, just because Ginny tends to annoy me... but meh. It's your story, and you did a very good job with it, so I'm not going to argue with your plot points :)
So I'm off to read your sequel... I don't have any idea if it's done already, or abandoned, or what, but here's my take on it: I like the idea of Harry coming out at the end not necessarily completely fallen, but much more hard-hearted and callous than before, because I feel his experiences would scar him. But... if you were going to do that... I would probably suggest that he push away everyone he cares about and have a third story, wherein they save him, by drawing the old Harry back :p I might need to write something like that now ;)
Wow, this turned out to be a pretty long review, lol. Good story, gonna go read the sequel now.Author's Response: The Katie issue is one I tried to explain in the sequel. Its not so much that she just jumped to being dark, but more that Harry notices things he never noticed before a lot easier.
It was also quick because I kind of figure thats how it would seem to a person who purely felt against what they had to do. Harry saw it instantly when she started talking about how far behind she him and the others she was. They never talked about that before in the entire story. Her only hint at feeling behind was the newt scores.
I've already gotten to the third story, though I lost it for a long time. I'm glad you like the story, and I hope you liked the others too.
Wow, this turned a long response too... I'll stop here. Report Review
I've really really enjoyed the story thus far, but I noticed something in this chapter that made me go 'huh?'
Didn't Vernon die at the beginning of the story? Dumbledore showed Harry a letter from his aunt and uncle claiming he couldn't leave the school.
Other than that, it's got a great plot, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Luin~Author's Response: I understand that. I should have explained before what that was. Dumbledore had it from a time before Vernon died. Kind of a letter saying they didn't want Harry at their home for Christmas. Just didn't have a place to fit that as I decided to change the story. Maybe I should just edit that since the storyline went how it did. Report Review
I really have enjoyed this story. Normally I am not a big fan of A/U stuff and generally don't like anything where someone is OOC as I have them in my head. However this story is well written with an interesting plot.Author's Response: Well, I tried to keep it ic and as lightly A/U as possible. I just twist things based on thinking how a person would react to a different situation. I'm glad you like it. Report Review
all i can sa os that it was briliant absolutel marvelous keep up the good work and this goes for ever chapter i do not believe ina chapter just being a filler but there were some parts where any body with half a brain could have figured it out but it was still marvelous point blank PERIOD. TEN OUT OF TEN BY THE WAY :)Author's Response: I'm sorry about filler, but there are times when filler is needed to progress a story. At times filler can also lead to meaning further on. I hope I didn't make any complete chapters of filler, though I might have a time or two. I do try to watch that. I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
that was great. i allways thought dumbledor was a git. but what is up witht hat letter he got? join us or die? is he gonna use that loyalty necklass thing too find out the other 3 guardians r really evil? did they somehow trick the test?Author's Response: The letter is explained later. The necklace was just a bit of fluff to show that they had more objects than just what I mention and used. Report Review
awsome awsome awsome awsomeAuthor's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. :) Report Review
im so glad u alresdy made the sequel!Author's Response: I wish I could have finished the entire set of stories by now. Report Review
i still think it wood be better if it was ginny,ron and hermione were aurors instead of kei,rena and jenAuthor's Response: I do apologize Report Review
intead of kei,rena and jen ithink it wood be betta if it was ron,hermione and ginnyAuthor's Response: Well, the thing is that what happens as the story progresses wasnt my original idea. Originally Harry was going to almost fall to become the next dark lord. When he realizes this he tries to stop and finds that Kei Rena and Jen were actually trying to do that to him to take over the world. I just couldn't do it after I started creating character profiles for myself. I couldn't find the reason behind it for them, so they became heroes instead. Report Review
i actually like it how harry hates dumbledore,it adds pazaz to the storyAuthor's Response: Its not that he hates Dumbledore. He hates what Dumbledore is trying to force him into being, as Harry sees it. Its a tragic miscommunication. Report Review
okay i know this is a really stupid question but...whats a navel?Author's Response: Its a belly button. Might have spelled it wrong though, I get some words confused at times. Sorry about that. Report Review
This was an excellent story.
I liked the ... very very inventive introduction of the year of training. I liked the new characters introduced. The way they were developed. How old characters changed, matured, and responded towards each other. The strength of your storytelling lies in your ability to convince people .. of the .. reality of your characters. At times Harry does come off as a little wooden, but you do temper him down with humor. It's a fantastic tale.Author's Response: Thank you. I appreciate it. Report Review
I read through the whole--long--story and find a few things to pout about.
You make out only one part to a moral act: the intention(I assume that is your opinion because the hero has it and the normal opines that it is the means), where there are three: the intention, the means and the end--all have to be right to be a fully good act. You just touch on it with the tower scene. But the story, because it's philosophy is flawed, is flawed in itself.
There are so many instances through this that I merely suggest a beta.
Again, I suggest a beta.
Mmm...You know they are
They were a bit much.
H/K? I did my best to skim that.
Evil! Dumbly at least it was not as bad as...
Please, for the love of God and if you do not believe in Him or what not, for the love of whatever you believe in, 'pup' is an abomination.
But despite all these, this was remarkably good
7/10Author's Response: God I'm more than likely to screw up this reply. Please hang on and hope I manage this right.
You are right about there being three main factors of moral philosophy and I agree. However, those reacting emotionally instead of logically tend to often disregard the logic of the last two. What I failed to show properly is that while Harry is often struggling to maintain that he is an adult he is an emotional 16 year old, as many are at that age, and not always completely able to balance the intent with the means and the ends. But I did screw up so yeah, you are definitely right.
two and three
Gotta agree. My beta turned out to just want to read the story and failed to correct most of my stuff. I need to find someone who can manage that as I do tend to screw up often.
I really wish I could argue there. They weren't supposed to come out like that. The truth is the story wasn't supposed to go the way it did and I got stuck with no real reason for them to be anywhere near as strong as they were.
Sadly yes. I did have a reason for that too. When the story changed up so did I lose many reasons for them to be around.
Haha! Trust me, if you'd seen some of the other people I put Harry with you'd probably agree to that being the best mix.
Seventh and Eighth
Huh? I'm gonna have to read that story again now to try and figure those two out.
But I thank you for offering me such a high ranking considering all of the problems. I do appreciate what you've said and I'll try thinking of these things more as I write things. Thank you for that as well.
Your stories are fantastic. My son and I are both reading them. We just finished this one and it's sequel and can't wait to read Heart of Eternity. Your original characters are very well rounded and believable. Thanks for the entertainment!Author's Response: Thank you. You can read Heart of Eternity anytime you like though its still coming along. I'm glad you and your son enjoyed the stories and hope that you continue to like them in the future. Report Review
I'm actually not mad at you, and I love you for making that guy seem evil! He is way to friekin' calm for his own bloody well good. I say that this has been my favourite story in awhile. Love it, and keep writing honey!Author's Response: and once again lol Report Review
I'm actually not mad at you, and I love you for making that guy seem evil! He is way to friekin' calm for his own bloody well good. I say that this has been my favourite story in awhile. Love it, and keep writing honey!Author's Response: thank you again. Report Review
I'm actually not mad at you, and I love you for making that guy seem evil! He is way to friekin' calm for his own bloody well good. I say that this has been my favourite story in awhile. Love it, and keep writing honey!Author's Response: Well thank you. I'm glad you like it. He is unnerving with that calmness at times I feel. Report Review
This is an excellent story. So far, you have good plot structure and believable characters. The only weakness I see in the story concerns technical writing issues.
You mentioned in another review response that you see the story unfold in your mind like a movie - and you write it that way. This is good because it allows for much faster writing speed. However it also tends to flow like stream-of-consciousness writing. Technical errors creep in.
For example, I found several instances of run on sentences such as, "They knew I had it and decided instead of trying to steal it to just ask for it, knowing I’d give it to them after I found out what they were doing."
This would read much better and help the plot flow if you rewrote it. For example, "They planned to steal it. When they discovered I had it, they decided to just ask me to give it to them. I guess they figured I would if I knew what they planned. They were right!"
Another technical problem is excessive use of conversation modifiers after your dialogue. For example, "he exclaimed", "she rejoiced", "he intoned", "she smiled", "he chortled, wheezed, gasped, snickered, barked, retorted", etc.
From this chapter where Dumbledore and Snape converse; “Severus, did you do as I asked?” Dumbledore asked him. (Because the dialogue ends with a question mark and we know Dumbledore is the speaker, you should eliminate "Dumbledore asked him.")
“Of course, though I offered a bit of my own help as well.” Snape replied. (There is no need to repeat the obvious - Snape is replying to Dumbledore. You should eliminate "Snape replied." Also, any time you follow dialogue with a modifier, the quoted sentence should end with a comma rather than a period (unless you use an exclamation point or question mark.) i.e., "... as well," Snape replied.)
“What do you mean Severus?” Dumbledore asked. (Again, we know it is a question. Adding "Dumbledore asked." basically repeats what we already know. There is also no need to add "Severus" in the dialogue because there are only two participants.)
Here is a rewrite of this example:
“Severus, did you do as I asked?”
“Of course, though I offered a bit of my own help as well.”
“What do you mean?”
I'll try to add other pieces of constructive criticism as I see technical things in other chapters.Author's Response: I understand what you're saying, and I'll do my best to fix things as I can but please understand that right now writing is a hobby and I'm not really that experienced in writing aside from the fan fics you see here. I do thank you for you criticism as it is very helpful. Sorry for taking so long to reply but I was trying to keep on remembering what you said. I think I've got most of it remembered and so I decided it was time to reply. Report Review
GREAT story!! I liked how Harry used dark magic for good. It always bothered me when they would stun the deatheater send them to jail just so they could get out to kill some more... I really liked this ending alot! (I'm a huge Harry/Ginny fan) I have a feeling I'm not going to like the next one as much cause it means the end :(. I got to say you made the story flow good together. (felt like i was watching a movie, mostly because of how you worked the flashbacks) I give this a 9/10 great story...Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you like it. I tend to go for a movie style movement as it flows easier in my mind. I hope you like the next one, even if its not as much as this one. Thank you for reading, and for reviewing. Report Review
Wow, I must say that I liked your version better than book 6. Many more things were answered, the centaurs for one, what happened to the acromantulas. Harry was so much more mature. I really loved the new characters. Cant wait to read the sequalAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like it. I had to come up with some answers. I felt like the reasons for what happened were lost and never answered so I made my own reasons. The new characters are some of my favorites. Well, I hope you enjoy the sequel. It's almost finished as well. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Wow , Scrimgeour good -- Dumbledore bad (well not really bad, just controlling) my world is so confused. Love the story though. Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. Yeah, some characters are a bit different from what is normally expected... It sort of just happened. Report Review
Great as usual!
How do I paint while reading a text!? lol...
So I must clarify that I'm using a software to convert text into speech -- & so I can paint & do other things while letting my imagination flow in all directions & get inspired...Author's Response: Makes sense actually. Trust me, I wasn't thinking of that. I'm the person who watches movies while typing, if I'm not obsessed with a song at the moment. Thanks for the review. Report Review
I usually paints or does something else while reading, but this have grabbed whole my attention!Author's Response: I'm glad you like it that much. Report Review
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