i wish i had a maruader..lol
ha, had to read this
and wasn't disapointed
it was wonderful
hmm...let's go see what else you haveAuthor's Response: You reviewed all of my stories! You are either very dedicated or very bored! Either way, thank you so much! Report Review
Very Cute, I love the way you write! 10/10 Report Review
aw! that is so sweet! i love it! Report Review
Ur a great writer i LOVE lilly and james romance things
keep at it! Report Review
AW its so cute, bless there little jammy dodgers xxx Report Review
NICE! REAL SMOOTH NICE GOING Report Review
i really really like this :]
its honestly one of the best james/lily oneshots i've read... seriously great job!!!Author's Response: Thank you! As an author, this is one of the coolest comments to recieve. Report Review
Aw bless I'm crying that was sweet I'm so soppy lol
Brill Story loved it
Hugs Report Review
i will be waiting for the next one... Report Review
I like the Romeo and Juliet reference.
=] Report Review
Wow, just wow! This story is brilliant! It is very cleverly written. I especially love the part where you allude to Romeo and Juliet. Amazing job! Report Review
like the song Report Review
Wow. Wow. Wow. Amazing story, I love it! Report Review
I LOVED IT. I honestly have nothing more to say than that but bravo! However the part that says James please don't break my heart. It's yours now. The sequence seems a bit off, but that's a really trivial matter so excellent. Report Review
This was a nicely written story. I enjoyed it. Report Review
Hi, this is andromeda from the forums :)
Is this really your first story? Because it is really good and very nicely-written.
You asked about cliches. Well, I spotted two of them. One is Lily slapping James for no real reason. I mean, he only asked her out, it's not like he was making dirty hints. And it's been used SO much in many other fics. Also, Heads sharing a special Common Room of their own - I think it's another part of fanon that's been slightly overused and that is actually a bit unrealistic.
I think the characterization was pretty good, and the closing scene was touching. The only thing, I don't think that Lily would suddenly be that open with James about her feelings. James's words, on the other hand, were fabulous and I can totally see Lily giving in to her feelings after hearing that. The song that you used fitted in very well, and that's actually a rare thing when it comes to a song-fic :)
One grammatical mistake that kept cropping up:
"I promise." He responded and kissed her again.
should look like this
"I promise," he responded and kissed her again.
~andromeda Report Review
I actually really liked this. It was nice and short, yet sweet and clear and full of emotion. I loved your outlook on why Lily has been denying James for so long - that was really great, because he was viewing her as more of a challenge than with love, or that's how Lily perceived it.
I think the song fits in well as well. Its interlaced with the story in a perfect way, and I didn't skip over the lyric either - which is what I tend to do when the lyrics are from a song I don't know.
Characterisation was great, and the way you immediately plunged into the fic with a classic James/Lily argument was fantastic. It sucked me in immediately.
Over all, I'd say this was great. I think it would need a little more depth to reach perfection, but I really enjoyed it. It was light and easy-going to read.Author's Response: thanks for the review! Report Review
This is a great story of how Lily and James got together. Report Review
Awww... was all I could think of after the end of that! This story was so cute. You did a great job with your descriptions and everything just seemed to fit together so beautifully! This was just a great feel good story.
My favorite line was: The distance between them faded away and her lips pressed against his with more passion than Romeo and Juliet ever could have felt.
Wow! Great job. That's really all I can say!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! = ] Report Review
Very cute! I love it. :D Report Review
gosh...that was beautifully written.aw
i love it!!!
*sniffle* that was so beautifulAuthor's Response: thank you! that was exactly the reaction i wanted! Report Review
This story is very well done, much better than my first fics ever were! It's a tad bit cliche, but as you are new to this site (the writing aspects, at least) you'll get a hang of what is frequently used and what is not. In one-shots like this, a lot of authors have James say he loves her and Lily suddenly feels the same way. You portray that in this story, though with a bti of a twist that makes it unique, whne you say "At that moment, he knew he loved her" or something along the lines. My favorite quote is: "The distance between them faded away and her lips pressed against his with more passion than Romeo and Juliet ever could have felt." It was very original and I have never read/seen anything like it. You also need to work on your grammar slightly, mostly just too many commas, or commas not necessarily needed. I enjoyed the song to! I'll definately have to look into that. All in all, I would give you a 7/10. It's a very well written first story.
Thanks for the read!
Mini MarauderAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the review! it was very helpful! = ] Report Review
Great job choosing that song! It was just perfect for your plot, and I think, not what most people would pick for a James/Lily :) This was pretty short, but you got your point across, and there was no unnecessary information, so that was fine. The voice in your narrative is quick and witty! I laughed quite a bit in the beginning, as your dialogue and thoughts were intelligent.
My favorite part was when Lily was explaining to James why she would not go out with him. The part after he first apologized, and she said that he didn't deserve a chance. I thought your choice of words through that whole paragraph was very powerful. The whole story was powerful actually, kind of exhilarating. And just a comment: you have an amazing vocabulary! This is the first fic I've read where I actually had to look up a word. hahaha
As for little corrections here and there, I did catch some grammar/sentence structure/repetition mistakes:
The first thing was these three sentences very close to eachother:
-"best friends known as the Marauders"
-"their group they named the Marauders"
-"he and his fellow Marauders"
I think you should try to vary that a bit more by switching your words or just spreading out your ideas.
"One chance he thought to himself" -I would put a comma after chance. It is confusing without it.
"I promise good enough for you
Then I never keep it
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping
And all the world is sleeping
Lily sat in the Heads Common Room"- You did not skip a line there before returning to the story. I assumed it was a typo, since the rest of the story was done that way. :)
"When she saw him entering she immediately" -I suggest a comma after entering, so that the reader pauses and doesnt get confused.
"But now you’ve old me that I’ve hurt you." old should be told.
This was a very sweet and loving song-fic. Thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: thanks so much!
your suggestions were great...just what i needed since it is my first fic. = ] Report Review
Good chapter. there were several grammatical errors throughout the piece. I liked it.Author's Response: thanks for the review! Report Review
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