awesome, very powerful writing and i cant wait to see more.Author's Response: Thank you so much *hugz* I'll be updating when the queue re-opens. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing ^_^
kay~ Report Review
Woo, they're having detention together! :D
So, you still seem to have some problems with your commas and "s, but they are not as many as before. There are a couple of spelling mistakes here and there, I still suggest that you get yourself a beta.
Other than that, you have a very good language. You describe the characters really good, I have a feeling that you truly know them. Your dialogues are excellent, and they really fit the character you give them to. Your only problem is the signs.
I'm not completely sure where you are going with the plot yet, but it is very intriguing and certainly very well written. You are taking your time, creating a good flow, and give the reader an understanding of how you are picturing the characters. Lily was not Mary-Sue in this chapter, I'm very happy for that!
If you want, PM me when there's more up ;D
PadfootyAuthor's Response: gah for some reason my response got cut off so here the one from th eother review ^_^:
lol -_- ahh those mistakes. Actually ive got the edited versions but ive kinda lazy with updating and editing.
Thanks for letting me know those '' have been annotying me and i couldnt for the life of me figure out how to do it ^_^
i get what ur saying though, i guess giggle does sound a bit 'girly'
It might seem like im rushing through dialogue but the truth is i actually suck at writing dialogue so this was a little hard for me and it was my first fanfic. There really isnt an action part.
I dont know i think its an obsession but i like to get everyones pov on whats going on because to me you cant fully understand whats going on all the time throuh persons eyes, youll only see what they perceive but i guess ill have to stick to 2. Thanks for reviewing =]
And now this response:
I have gotten myself a beta after months of suffering and she's pretty great lol.
I had to do a lot of research so im glad the characters arent ooc lol and im glad u like Lily now. Im so glad i requested reviews from you youve been really helpful and detailed. i didnt think that you would review tham all so thank you so much and ill let you know when chapter 4 is up.=] again thanks a bunch!
kay~ Report Review
Some things I noticed:
''oh.one other thing I should mention'' should be "Oh... one other thing I should mention,"
''It could be something useful you know Padfoot and it wouldn’t exactly hurt you to ‘try’ and seem interested you know’' would be much better if you cut out saying 'you know' twice. "I could be something useful Padfoot, and it wouldn't exactly hurt you to try and seem interested, you know."
if you know what I mean said Sirius, should be finished with ," so it would be: if you know what I mean," said Sirius.
You seem to be determined to write your "s yourself, with two ' instead of one ". There is this lovely button who makes " if you combine it with the shift button, so your lines won't have to look like this: `´Hi!'', because that is what they do.
It seems to me that you write your commas and other signs way to fast, so they get placed after space, in the middle of words, etc. There are loads of these mistakes spread out through the whole story, so I suggest you proof-read it once more, and a Beta would probably not be such a bad idea.
This sentence "She quashed a giggle" startled me. I have never, ever, thought of Lily as a giggly person. I know you wanted to write a laugh, but it giggle isn't the girl form of laugh, it is the girly for of laugh, if you get what I mean. Would you write that Hermione giggled? No, I certainly don't hope so. And so wouldn't Lily, she would laugh, or chuckle.
Other than that, I feel like your characterisations has dropped a level from your first chapter to your second. You seem to be rushing through the dialogues, only wanting to get to the action part, without really fixing your POV at anyone. It goes like Lily-Sirius-James-Sirius-Lily-Snape-Lily and it confuses a lot. It is perfectly acceptable to change POV, but you must make it clear who you are shifting to.
Other than that, you have a good flow and language, and your story is certainly intriguing. Looking forward to read more!
PadfootyAuthor's Response: lol -_- ahh those mistakes. Actually ive got the edited versions but ive kinda lazy with updating and editing.
Thanks for letting me know those '' have been annotying me and i couldnt for the life of me figure out how to do it ^_^
lol----> This sentence "She quashed a giggle" startled me. Report Review
Here I am, at last!
Some things I noticed:
"potter's source of amusement," Potter with capital P here.
"a 'master' of non verbal spells which would undoubtedly give him the upper hand and not to mention a few horrific inventive spells of his own." should be "a 'master' of non verbal spells, which would undoubtedly give him the upper hand, and not to mention..."
"Pretentious prat thought Snape." would be much, much better if you put "Pretentious prat" in italics, and then ", thought Snape." so it would become "Pretentious prat, thought Snape."
"nearly fell off her seat !." Remove the space and !, so it would become "nearly fell off her seat." You don't need ! here, because the sentence is effective enough in itself.
There were a few of Grammar mistakes spread through the whole thing, so you should spell check it. There are mostly comma mistakes, and some capital letter mistakes. You tend to write the sentence then space then comma, which is not right. Like this "He was ,undoubtedly ,in love." instead of "He was, undoubtedly, in love." (Random sentence there)
I don't think you have a reason to hate this story at all! I don't know much of the plot, because it is not completely revealed yet. But your characterisations, especially Snape's, are wonderful! I really think that you know Snape, and also Lily.
I've never really thought of Lily as so Mary-Sue as you describe her. She is described as very beautiful, but I don't think she is that... shallow as you describe her. It seems like she only thinks about the boys beauty, and how popular she is herself. I think that Lily was much more deeper than that, she stood up for Snape, and she disliked James because he was a bully.
You write with a very good flow, and excellent language. I think that this story is highly interesting, and I' curious to look were this will go!
PadfootyAuthor's Response: -__- gah lol i know i have alot of errors. thing is this was written before i had a beta and before i used word.=] Im glad you found the characterisations adequate because i pretty proud of them :D
I definately dont think of Lily as Mary-sue-ish so i think ill have to rewrite that section if thats the impression its giving. ^_^" i think i went a little overboard with her description eh. Thanks for the insightful review
~ Report Review
Loved it! Not only did you say what you had to say, but you stayed true to the actual HP charactors. Beatiful done!
Hope to see more soon. Don't hesitate to tell me when the next chapter comes out!
PainfullygoneAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! i try so hard to make everyone seem and stay in character without over doing them. Im glad you like it. I will be updating soon so ill let you know =] thanks again! Report Review
whoa!!! NICE!!! The descriptions are EXCELLENT!!! Especially during Lily's flashback!! And all the characters act like themselves, if you know what I mean! ;) Poor Sevvy!!! Well, the detention will be VERY insteresting to read, I'm sure!!! Update soon!!! :D 10/10Author's Response: XD ( Report Review
Oh no, what did they do to him?!! Please let me know soon, I keep thinking he's bleeding on the floor...horrible image. Oh, I really wish he could just stomp them into the ground...or maybe Lily could help him? Who ends up with whom as a partner? Update soon and if you want take a look at my fic, I really love new R&R and my fic are all about my favorite Potions Master! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much once again :) dont worry chapter 3 is being validated so it wont be a long wait. hope u like it XD. ill read and reveiw ur fic no prob
cheers Report Review
This is a really good chapter. I like how you give two viewpoints, Lily and Sev, that's important since it lets your reader empathize with each character. It's always fun to get a glimpse into other people's heads. I feel bad for Sev, as usual, I know what it's like to be an outcast in school, it hurts like blazes. Author's Response: Thank you so much ^_^. That's really what i was going for with the different POV's, to let ppl really get to know all the chracters well and really see how they perceive different situations. See things through their eyes. I sympathize with Sev also i know how it feels as well :'( i just hope i do his character justice Report Review
You are a gifted writer. I look forward to the next.Author's Response: thank you so much XD.im blushing.chapter three should be up soon Report Review
This was an exceptionally good story. You show a lot of insight into the characters and what their inner feelings could have been. If this is your first story, you deserve to be very encouraged.
My one criticism, which could easily be fixed, is that the story is not too well proofed. There are spelling, capitization and (rarely) syntactical errors. Normally, I wouldn't even mention something like this; except that I enjoyed your story so much, I hated to see these unnecessary little distractions. Author's Response: thanks so much =) glad you enjoyed my fic. I tried to edit it as best as i could, i guess i need to do a more precise check,hope they werent too distracting ^_^.ive gotten myself a beta so upcoming chappies should be better Report Review
Another good chapter. You've got some big spacing issues in this chapter. And there are a few places where, again, I'd've used different words, but otherwise, it's good.Author's Response: well i guess im lucky i have u now arent i :) Report Review
The transition from Snape's POV to Lily's is a little abrupt. There are some places where I'd have chosen different words, but nothing major. You did forget to capitalize James in that bit where you described Sirius though. All in all, good job. I like the beginning of the story.Author's Response: thanks a bunch!! Report Review
With each breath he took, the red buttons already barely hanging on, threatened to fly off with such a force as to seriously injure an unsuspecting victim.
Haha. I love how you write Slughorn, he is so totally in character. his speech, and the way he gives this complicated task and then 'drops' a phrase about the prize (love the reaction of the class, by the way!)
One small thing though: the word kiddies seems somewhat out of place. I don't think Slughorn would have used it.
I also love the constant change of point of view. It certainly adds to the story and makes it even more interesting.
And I certainly love the ending. At first it was so sweet when their hands touched, and then it took such an unexpected turn! Intriguing, I must say. Were it the Marauders who attacked Severus?
There were less mistakes than in the previous chapter, by the way :P Only I can't really see why all your dialogue is italized ..? Only quotes from the actual books have to be in italics.
All in all, great job! :)
Author's Response: lol yea they did attack him.I know 'kiddies' sounds a little off but it was the only word i could think of XD.Thanks again andromeda for another fantastic reveiw!!! glad u found the clifhanger interesting. Report Review
...Sirius is a 'handsome brick wall'...LOLLOLLOL!!! There were a lot of humorous spots in here, good work!!! Alas, there were also a lot of grammatical mistakes. Other than that, the descriptions were, yet again, exceeding expectations!!! But... AHHH!!! A CLIFFY!!! NO!!! I NEED MORE!!! That last paragraph made me go into the process of 'inhaling and holding in breath'. I DID NOT EXPECT THAT!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I NEED NEED NEED NEED NEED... well, want... MORE!!!Author's Response: lollllllllll thanks so much for the reveiw lol glad u liked it.Ive definately gotta work on those mistakes!!! i tried my honest best to make it funny cuz i really admire fics that make me lmao XD.Ah yes,the dreaded cliffy lol felt it needed some drama lol but nevr fear,severus_lover is here XD and chap 3 is coming soon!! Report Review
Well, this is a very good beginning, I think.
Before I forget, I'd like to point out that there are quite a few typos and I would strongly reccommend that you get yourself a beta-reader (as all serious authors do). Or at least make sure that all the names are capitalized, and all the words like "though" and "after all" are spelt correctly ;)
I'm saying this because I actually liked your style very much, but it was really hard to read with so many words misspelled.
I love it how you write from Snape's POV, everything seems completely in character, and I can totally picture him sitting there, hiding behind his book, but all the time watching Lily and James.
There's one thing about Lily's characterization that bothered me:
.Prominent green eyes that could be spotted from a mile away and full, luscious pink lips.Long,deep red,wavy hair adorned her small pretty face,not to mention her intelligence and sunny disposition.She was easily one of the most worthy and enviable girls at Hogwarts.Her beauty did not escape James,for every spare moment of his time was spent trying to wrangle her into his clutches.
As this part is written in her POV, it seems slightly OOC to me that Lily should think of herself like that. I mean, she's not the one who thinks too much about appearances.
It wasnt until Sirius nudged James to alert him of her staring did she fully grasp what she was doing.So entranced was she that when James looked around and blew her a kiss, she actually let out an audible gasp as if it had smacked her hard in the face and nearly fell off her seat !.
Haha, I love this moment!
I also love your description of Remus, and the fact that he is a mystery to Lily.
All in all, it seems like this is going to be a really great story :)
~andromedaAuthor's Response: thanks for the reveiw!!. even tho i edit the chap to try to correct the typos i still always seem to miss some XD.
(There's one thing about Lily's characterization that bothered me:
.Prominent green eyes that could be spotted from a mile away and full, luscious pink lips.Long,deep red,wavy hair adorned her small pretty face,not to mention her intelligence and sunny disposition.She was easily one of the most worthy and enviable girls at Hogwarts.Her beauty did not escape James,for every spare moment of his time was spent trying to wrangle her into his clutches.)
that wasnt actually said or thought by Lily it was just more of a description for the story's sake from a narrative point.
Thanks for the awsome reveiw XD
You reviewed my story and said it made yours look like poo. Naturally, I had to come over here and have a read for myself and I have to say this chapter wasn't poo at all. I really enjoyed reading it and seeing things through Severus's eyes then through Lily's. I loved how you made James the love sick puppy! In a way it's cute, but its mainly annoying and makes you wish that Lily would just jump into Sev's arms ;)
You have a few errors in grammar, but it isn't that bad that it interrupts the reading. What is a bit off putting is the cutting of words, like 'u' instead of 'you' and 'tho' instead of 'though'. Other then that, I really did like this and look forward to reading more :) I will add you to my favourites so I can check back!!Author's Response: thanks alot.still cant believe how many little grammatical errors i made.i edited it tho. 2 much 'im' got me writtin u and tho XD.hope it gets better or more reveiws Report Review
Oh, how I love Lily/James stories! I really liked how you presented Snape's character, it was very well written! I enjoyed this chapter. However, there were a lot of spelling mistakes... But anways, good story. Author's Response: wow thank you so much.ive been told abt the spelling:) cant believe i made so many mistakes tho.i plan 2 edit it and definately write it on word with spellcheck next chap.glad you enjoyed it.i hope u follow up on it Report Review
AWESOME! I LOVE IT! You had REALLY good descriptions and I loved your vocabulary. And thanks for adding the definition of rhapsody in the summary, that really helped. I REALLY DO LOVE IT! GREAT JOB! There were a few spelling mistakes but I don't really mind. Spell-check is my BFF! WRITE MORE PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP NEVER MIND I LIKE CHERRIES I'LL EAT THAT BUT DOES PRETTY PLEASE WORK?! :P 10/10! :)Author's Response: XD thank you so very muchhhh!!!! you have no idea how good it feels 2 get a good reveiw :( ppl havent been reveiwing so i thought it wasnt interesting.i had no idea i made so many little mistakes so glad u pointed it out!! damn u overconfident brain ill keel you!! ill be more careful in the future btw( pretty please will get u everywhere ;)lol ill write more.chapter 2 coming up Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection