Reading Reviews for Harry Potter And The Return.
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by leapoffaith24 Happy Birthday Harry

8th September 2009:
Very nice! I can tell you're a first timer on HPFF, though. For example.
Your first few paragraphs should be:
Before he had time to gain full view of his surroundings through his smeary spectacles [comma], Ron and Hermione jumped on the end of Harry's bed and held out huge parcels wrapped in the brightest paper he had ever seen. [new paragraph]
"Oh, [leave out God; it sounds ungrateful and unnecessary]thanks guys!" his face filled with excitement [why anxiety?]. [new paragraph]
"You're welcome [comma], mate [comma]," replied Ron. "Anything for the most famous wizard alive [period and then quotations]."
Do you see what I mean? It's the little things that will sometimes make or break it. Another thing I urge you to do is make SURE you are revising to catch run-on sentences. You have several in this piece. Run-on sentences make your writing seem sloppy seem less... believable. That's the word I was looking for. Your writing seems less realistic if your writing is sloppy.
Also, I suggest that you add some more of Harry's feelings into the mix, if you understand what I'm trying to say. For example, when he see's Ginny, it's just a bone crushing hug, and no emotions from Harry. You should add something like, "It hit him like a million suns beaming down upon him; like gravity no longer held him to the earth. Ginny,". Don't be afraid to add some of Harry's emotions into the story. It's one of the most important parts!
Quite honestly, I don't think Harry's eyes would well up at the sight of something Ginny wrote on. Nor do I think Ginny would cry at all. They're both tougher than that; their personalities do not match what you have written, and that is important on Post-Hogwarts stories on HPFF.
Well, very nice! You're not perfect, but the story was interesting and nice. You can be a lot better, but this story is not nearly as bad as some of the other first-timer-first-chapters that I've seen. Very good! 8 of 10 (minus one for punctuation and run-ons and minus one for lack of emotion; +8 for a pretty decent story!), and please make an effort to improve!

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Review #2, by BioHazard82 The Stuff.

11th January 2008:
Interesting story so far. Keep up the good work, and update soon!

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Review #3, by lozzy795 The Stuff.

6th January 2008:
Chapter 4 will be posted soon.

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Review #4, by aaaaaaaaaaaah The Morning After.

9th December 2007:
Man! That was exceptional! Keep writing. You have me hooked. I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of the story. Update soon!

Author's Response: Chapter 3 will b posted soon hopefully by the 14th so keep checking back. Glad u r enjoying it.

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Review #5, by none Happy Birthday Harry

10th November 2007:
You must finish this story! I wonder what the letter is about.

Author's Response: Chapter 2 has now been posted. Sorry it took so long have been busy at college. You know how it is. Hope every1 is enjoying my first fan fic and I will b adding new chapters much quicker now so keep checking back.

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