i like it so far. you don't find many stories like this one. Report Review
I'm starting to grow on this story, can't wait till you update Report Review
Wow heavy story =] But amazing nonetheless Report Review
Okay, I favorited this story a loong time ago. I thought it was the greatest thing. I come back and there's only one update- and it was a while ago =[ What happened? How come you aren't updating anymore? This is soo good and it just makes me sad that you aren't continuing... =[
Anyways. My predictions?: Kylie had something to do with the Death Eaters and that's how she kinda sorta really knew about Pete. ...and that's it for now. please please don't abandon this, it's way too good to go to waste =D
Hp Fanatic Report Review
i really like thiss.
im kindaa confused but it should changee.
love thiss Report Review
wow this is really good! i really like it! update soon! :D Report Review
First of all, I have to apologize for the ridiculously long wait. I’m awful and I wouldn’t have started my review thread then if I had foreseen how busy my life would get so quickly, but I hope late is better than never =)
Overall I liked the chapter. Kylie seems like an interesting OC (a neurotic girl after my own heart), and you don’t often read stories in which Sirius is paired with such a cautious person, much less a person who thinks they killed James. (is this Sirius/OC? I’m just kinda assuming.)
Quick question: when are Sirius and Kylie standing before James’s grave? Is it before Sirius is arrested? If so, I don’t feel like there was enough time for James & Lily’s funeral.
This story feels a bit like Lost the TV show, what with all the flashbacks and unanswered questions. Which is a good thing, to me at any rate, since I love that mystery format. I’m content being left wondering and raising all these questions (Was it Voldemort who didn’t even pay Kylie? Why does Kylie feel guilty for James’s death? Etc.), because good storytelling is often about gradually revealing a mystery.
Tiny little grammar thing: I was just strapping on my elbow protectors when seven-year old James Potter raped on my helmet. “Raped” is the past participle of “rape”, and I found this distracting, so if/when you go back and edit the chapter, I’d change it to “rapped.”
This chapter is also very Americanized (“mommy” instead of “mummy”, for example), and I don’t know if that was your intent. You’re not obligated to Britishize your fics, of course, but I know a lot of readers appreciate the authenticity if you at least change the dialogue to sound Britishy. I don’t know how long you’ve been writing, but my first few stories definitely sound like they’re written by an American, and I understand that the language discrepancies can be confusing.
I love how neurotic Kylie is! Which I think I’ve already mentioned. But this dimension makes her more interesting and not Mary Sue-ish.
Overall, I think it’s fairly well written, but is a bit choppy in spots. These sorts of things can only really be ironed out with practice. Don’t feel pressured to post quickly; take your time and really hone your skills. This site is great for that, and I feel like you and this story have a lot of potential. Sorry about the wait, again, and good luck with your story!
first things first: I probably won't be following this story. Not because you don't write well, but because I don't have the patience to read this kind of fic. Things are dragged out to the extreme, and I don't feel like the story is getting anywhere. But that's my personal taste. I also don't like cake very much, that doesn't mean people should stop baking.
Apart from that...
I think you write well. You have a good grasp on grammar and spelling. There will always be couple of typo's, but there was nothing that distracted me from the story.
I think your dialogue is really good. I find it believable and natural. The lines don't seem overly planned and rehearsed; which would make them seem unnatural.
I think your style appart from the dialogue is good aswell, but here you have a little more room for improvement. There are a couple of places in the scenes with Kylie and Sirius where I felt you get slightly mellowdramatic, and maybe a little overly poetic? In the line
"They fall to the ground with a sickening silence that makes me involuntarily wince "
you have three images: "fall to the ground", "sickening silence" and "ivoluntarily wince". All these three are well formulated, but I felt it made the sentence a bit heavy; it didn't really give us any new information.
But again, this is coming from the girl who doesn't like cake.
I would reccomend examining the style of an author you really like. How long are their sentences? When do they use long and short sentences? How many sentences per paragraph are pure imagery (not contibuting to the plot)? What separates their style form the style of an author you don't like?
I'm not saying copy someone else's style outright, but that way you can get some "advice" from someone you respect as an author.
I get the impression you've worked hard on her background. I really feel like you know everything about her past, and you're telling us bits of it. I really think of her as a "real" person with an entire life outside what you've shown us. That's a big compliment!
On the other hand, I don't feel like you've shown us much. Is she nice but blinded by hate? Or is she manipulative and willing to go to any length to keep what she wants and get rid of what she doesn't like? I completely trust that you know her, but I don't feel that I know her yet. You've brought out her past a lot, but not too much of her pesonality. This works really well if you want to keep the reader guessing a bit. I definitly haven't been able to make up my mind about her, which is intruiging.
Well I haven't seen too much of it yet. Some close friend of one of the marauders that we haven't heard about has been done to death, but I think you have an original take on it here. Having an original take on an overused element in fanfiction is a big accomplishment.
It seems to me you're going a bit AU since Sirius would have mentioned it to Harry if there was someone else involved? If you want to keep it canon, I think you need to come up with a good reason why Sirius didn't tell anyone else about Kylie's role in the story after he was back with the Order.
I hope this helps you!
-atgowt Report Review
Ahh... that makes sense.
I actually really like this story. I (sadly) didn't think I would, but I really do! Kylie is a very well-rounded character, and it's just very original. It was getting a bit weird, but you've kept true to the line and kept it on track quite well.
You have a few spelling errors-it looks like they're typos, so I wouldn't worry about it. Also, there's some tense confusion, so try to clear that up.
Overall Grade: E
R!N!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. glad you like kylie! Report Review
Hey, chiQs09 from the forums here :D. I do reviewing by chapters. So maybe you want to come back and request another review from me. :)
The first chapter was quite adorable. I love your summary of this chapter. Did you intend to make it rhyme? :)
I like the plot so far, that she'd killed her best friend for money. (Oh, how could you kill James? :-/ *sniff* ) The emotions are well captured, though don't suffice to make the readers feel with the OC.
Maybe you should make the flashbacks in italics, so that we know the scenes when she remembers James. Because the way you wrote it, sounds like you jump from present to past tense. That doesn't sound good...
All in all, nice start. You ended it at the right moment, leaving a cliffy. Now she's going to tell Sirius what happened... :)Author's Response: I thought about doing the flashbacks in italics, but i thought maybe it might be hard for people to read? Hmm maybe i should reconsider. Thanks very much for taking the time to review!! Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter as well. You're very good at switching to different scenes in a way that makes sense and is effective. You developed her background well so that it is obvious why she would not be a trusting person. I think this is a very clever way to build an OC around a canon event! woot!! I'm favoriting!Author's Response: Yeah! this makes me very happy! thanks so much for the review! Im so glad you like Kylie. Report Review
I don't think it's confusing in that it is not skillfully done. It is confusing because you want us to be confused at this point. To me, it generates interest. I am curious as to what happened. Right there at the end, I started to think that Voldy killed them and that she was somehow involved in him finding out, but I'm still not sure... I really like the way she and Sirius interact as well as the background you built for her getting to know James as a child... Author's Response: Bravo. that is exactly the type of confusing what i wanted!
you are quite clever... stay tuned for future chapters for what happens!! :) Report Review
This is good.*chewing on my mint without noticing what I am doing*
Oh right, the review...Sorry about that, I was just thinking about the story...So hard that my brain was going to blow up and flow to planet Xenon...Sorry, I just did my homework on hyperboles.
This story is brilliant(I think I mentioned that before, didn't I?). I love the plot line and you handled Sirius very well, the way he spoke and the way he acted. Kylie, your OC is being controlled really well too.
I don't have much to say on this, except YOU'RE AWESOME!
Silver Slipper. 9/10
Lots of love,
Kelly.Author's Response: hahaha, i always loose my train of thought when im eating. you are too funny... planet xenon?! haha, oh and i so remeber hyperboles. that was not a fun year in math! thanks for the review once again. im SO happy you like sirius (he makes he nervous when i try and write him) thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hmmm.Very good. I really like the plot, and the story is well written too.
- If Kylie was close to James, why didn't Sirius notice her that much? He was James's best friend after all.
- A few little minor grammar mistakes, but its not really noticeable... I think I've lost it too, lol.
- I love your characterisation, its great, better than mine at least, lol.
I think that's about it, can't wait till the next chapter!
Red Slipper! 9/10
~KellyAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! Sirius did notice her, but they have never gotton along well. glad you like it. Report Review
This was a great second chapter. The description was good and the characterization was good, too. Great Job! 10/10Author's Response: Thank you for another review! I'm glad you liked this chapter better. Report Review
It's a bit congusing, but it seems like it is going to be a great story. The description is good, but you may want to write a bit more. Great Job 9/10Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review! Report Review
I like this. You should start combining chapters...it makes it better.
Nice plot. Keep the buiildup at a good pace, even if you want to write the good parts.
I like the characterization and your OC is great! Fab story.
Author's Response: thanks for the review! Im glad you like kylie, though im not sure on what you mean by 'combining chapter'. Just make them longer -like these two should be combined into one big one?
anyways, thanks again for the review! Report Review
Hey there, hun. :)
I still love this idea. You've done a good job with your OC. I like her a lot. There's still a bit too much language for my personal taste, but that's just me. Nothing to be done about it, lol!
Overall really good job. I like this so far! Keep me posted on future updates. :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review, once again! I will keep you posted!! Report Review
Ah now I get it! I'm not so confuzzled anymore. And I've got to stop making up words like 'confuzzled'.
This is getting even better, I love it even more now.
I wonder why in Merlin's name Kylie is so obsessed with the fact that Sirius Black is.well, Sirius BLACK. What is with her and the Black family? The suspense is killing me.
I suppose I'll have to wait for more chapters, though. ^_^Author's Response: haha, confuzzled is quite the word! I make up words all the time, too!! :)
more info to come on her background, so dont die from the suspense anytime soon! thanks for the review! Report Review
I'm still a bit confused, after reading that. About how it's her fault James Potter is dead, and all. But I really liked it so far. And it's now in my favorites. ^_^
It's a really good idea. I haven't read anything like this before. So original ^_^
Really good characterization, for Sirius and for the past James. James being all.rebellious. And Sirius is all...insane. But not really insane...he just...seems insane. If that makes any sense at all.
I'm going to go to the next chapter now, before I make this review even weirder xDAuthor's Response: Haha, I like my reviews a bit weird! It makes them intersting!! Thanks for reviewing, and def keep reading. Report Review
Good start. Maybe add more detail to have the story not just be snippets of dialouge and inner thoughts. :D Other than that, it's a very good idea.
Lots of Love,
OneoftheWeasleysAuthor's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review! Ill try and take your advice into account on future chapters! Report Review
heyyy! this story is so good! that was the PERFECT quote in the other chapter from mlk! anyway, i'm giving you this review so you update sooner maybe? i saw it was updated, but there was no new chapter! ahhh i was so dissapointed!! anyway, the story rules, it's really original, it's not the same old marauder story.
10/10Author's Response: Thank you for the review! (It said I updates, because there was one mistake that I just noticed and had to go back and fix it) Chapter three should be out soon though, so keep an eye out! And, yes, reviews do modivate me to write- so keep them comming :)
Thank you again! Report Review
ooh, this was good! yep, things are being cleared up a bit but i'm still a tad confused. but it doesn't matter, i'm waiting for the next chapter anyway.
toodlesAuthor's Response: Glad things are at least starting to clear. Thanks for the review!! Report Review
Another great chapter. The mystery, arrghh! I must say, you have a serious talent for leaving the reader wanting more each chapter. I can tell it's going to be one of those stories that the truth starts to come out after you slowly peice together all the information. Great job.
I found the descriptiveness in this chapter much more detailed, which is great. I loved the interaction here between Kylie and James. Kylie is such a three-dimensional OC, it's incredibly refreshing to read. Especially the fact that she hates Sirius because she sees him as a threat to her friendship with James - a very human reaction.
Ouch - her family's a bit nasty. I can understand her stepfather and step-siblings leaving her out, but her own mother? I don't know, that didn't sit right in my mind. Her mother seemed quite over-protective of Kylie in the first chapter, with her 'be careful' mantra, but in this chapter she's almost trying to edge her out of the family. Just a suggestion, but perhaps you could have the stepfather also encouraging the mother to leave Kylie behind because of some excuse like 'she doesn't get along with her siblings'. Just my thoughts - feel free to ignore me :D
Again, wonderful work. I'm really enjoying this story. I hope you update soon.Author's Response: Thanks! As far as her family goes- I can see where your comming from, and there will def. be more information on her mother comming up. Advice always helps, and I love it and never ignore it, so keep it comming! :) Thanks again for the review!! Report Review
Wow, this is great! It's an original concept that you've got here - I love the mystery behind Kylie somehow playing a part in the death of Lily and James. You've written this in such a way that you really don't know what to think of Kylie, and you don't know where her loyalties lie. I like that! It captures the idea I was going for in my challenge, where people cannot always be black or white. I love reading the 'conflicted' type character, and I think you've shaped Kylie to be just that.
There were a lot of short sharp sentances, which are very effective. Sometimes though I felt that perhaps a bit more description was needed to give a more visual image of the scene. Overall though, wonderful start. I'm very interested to find out what happens next!Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to review! Im so glad you like Kylie. Report Review
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