Sorry this review took so long!
What stood out the most to me here were your vivid descriptions and the voice of your narrative. It was all splendid! Your descriptions are very tasteful and delightful to read! Your writing flows very well, and I loved the little twist at the end! Of all subjects to make a new teacher for, McGonagall seems so permanent! Thats definitely going to be a challenge for you, so good luck with that! You have a really interesting idea here. The only criticism I can give you is that you have little typos here and there that could use cleaning up. I recommend just reading through it again to weed those out. But there were no major grammar errors that I could see, which is always lovely to read. You also did a very good job with Dumbledore's character :) Report Review
which name was rubbish? I didn't notice any that seemed out of place...
I said in my review thread that I would only review the first chapter, but yours was so interesting that I kept reading. And now that I've already left the second chapter, I can as well leave a review.
As I already said, you drew me into your story with your first chapter. The second one was great, too, but not as good as the first one. Maybe that's due to the fact that I love mystery and there was a lot in the first chapter, and not that much in the second. Of course, that was to be expected and if every chapter was like the first, I would get bored, too.
I like your writing style, and I like the dialogue between the trio. The new teacher finally got a name, and I like how he acts.
In fact, I like everything about this chapter, except the 'Slip of the Tongue' in the middle. Maybe you could have found a more suitable transition between the two parts?
I added your story to my favourites, and am now impatiently waiting for the third chapter.
IlonaAuthor's Response: I am proud to say that I have a beta now! So, all the kinks in the story will be worked out very soon, I should think. Thank you for your review! I will certainly try to come up with some other transitioning that is better than a simple cut. Report Review
Another wonderful chapter. So the OC's name is Professor Fiennes? Interesting name. I like it. Once again your description was great, as well as your characterization. I have nothing else to point out or comment upon, except for these mistakes:
-Even though Harry (w)as considerably anger(y) with the older man for what had happened during the summer,
-Do you happen to know where Professor McGonagall and Hag- I mean, Professor Hagrid is(are)?
Hope you update soon. This story is really good, and I can't wait to see where you continue to take it. =D Report Review
Well, first of all I thought that your story was quite good so far. You brought the reader into the story quite well, and I am interested to see where you take it. Your characterization was great for Dumbledore. I loved how you wrote him. The humming, candies, charming the tray, etc. Very much like him.
What you have me wondering at though, is who the character is that he visits. I have no idea who he is, a few guesses, but nothing positive. That is one good part of this chapter. You have me hooked to see who this character is.
Another good part of this chapter is your descriptions. I could picture a good deal of what you were saying in my mind, and that is what you should be aiming at for you readers.
There were a few mistakes that I caught in there, though. Nothing major, just mispellings.
-Mainly(many) of the residents liked to act as though it did not exist in their quiet neighborhood.
-The(y) groaned against his weight but they did not give way as most would have thought.
-That Alubs(Albus) trusted him enough to let him see a possibly weakness.
-I would of course, always look to others for thier(their) opinions on whatever matters occur,
I am looking forward to your next chapter. Keep up the good work. Report Review
What a mean trick! I'm still laughing at the image of the man when he realises what Albus has done to him.
I really like the first chapter of your story. The conversation between Dumbledore and the man was really great. I believe that you wrote Dumbledore perfectly, in your story, he is just as I always imagined him to be.
There is just one thing that I would like to criticise, and that is the description of the house. I think it gets too long when you are describing the living quarters. Maybe you could have incorporated some of the descriptions later into the chapter, as I think that all of them at the same time interrupt the flow of your story.
What I did like about your descriptions, however, was the fact that you also mentioned the smell several times. It makes the whole scene much more realistic, and I can imagine it better.
Alltogether, this was a great chapter. Report Review
Hey there TheTilly! I've come to review, obviously. :p
Well this is certainly a different kind of story. Obviously AU, but well written just the same. I'm not going to really say anything about spelling and grammar seeing as your newly hired beta is currently "ripping you a new one", lol! Hope they can help you out a bit. ;)
I'm really interested to see what you'll do with this. Your writing style is good and you've done a find job of keeping the characters in proper character. You did a good job of conveying Harry in all of his angsty goodness and Hermione and her know it all nature. And then dear Ron, being completely in the dark about everything. Although I must admit that I was just as confused as he was until Hermione explained it to me, lol!
I'll definitely be watching this one, m'dear. :)
nana_banana_xx3Author's Response: Hello! :D
Yes, yes. She's certainly doing her job. Josh, I wanted to reply back to you but my mind keeps going blank! It's the early morning, I swear.
Thank you for your review! I'm glad you thought I did a job job on angsty Harry, smart Hermione, and always in the dark Ron. :D This chapter is probably my second favorite out of the five I've drafted.
Much love! Report Review
I must say that I really enjoyed this. You asked me to comment on your Dumbledore and I think you did a marvelous job. In the beginning where you described him walking with his hands behind his back was brilliance, and when you added that he dared to hum a tune was even better. It was a great way to describe the quirky yet together Dumbledore we all know and love... and miss =(
I'm completely in love with the title of this story. It's so creative and alluring. Great job. Fantastic easter egg.
As for your OC, I will admit that for a minute there I thought you had Dumbledore and your OC crossed, but only when speaking. I realize that Dumbledore is an incredibly sophisticated man and he uses old language and such, but I think some of the things you had your OC say were more Dumbledore-like. For example, this seems like something Dumbledore would say:
"Flattery," waved the man at the comment, though he looked away as though he were embarassed. "A gentle means to start a hard conversation." And it didn't seem quite right to have Dumbledore say, "No one makes peppermint and ginger tea like you." I understand that he is a person more than a headmaster, but it's a difficult balance between keeping him human and keeping him in position.
Overall, I really enjoyed this and am interested to see where you take it. Keep up the good work and have fun ^_^
And I apologize for the tardiness of this review.
Author's Response: Thank you! No one had commented on how Dumbledore entered the story and I am glad you reviewed it. That made my day.
Yes, you noticed the cross. That was intentional. Dumbledore also does this with intention. But that is another part of the story. Dumbledore knows everything about this character already and he wants to see this person become someone great. Just like he sees in all of his students.
Thank you for your review! I don't mind it being 'late' at all. Every little bit helps when I'm trying to improve the story. Thank you! Report Review
Haha. I love the end. =) There were a few typos where it was capitalized when it shouldn't be but nothing too severe. My only concern is that this is very very similar to the scene betwee Harry, Dumbledore, & Slughorn in HBP. Now, I know this is an AU 5th year, but it's very alike to the 6th book. I'm sure you're aware of that though. Besides that, it's wonderful and I wish you good luck with the rest of it. Author's Response: Thank you! I just got a beta so chapter three on will be better (I hope!). Thank you for the review! You rock! Report Review
It was pretty good. There were a few things that were grammatically incorrect, like there were several commas in the beginning. There were also some capitalization errors, like canon words were supposed to capitalized and they weren't, and some words were capitalized that shouldn't have been. If you don't have a beta, I suggest maybe you get one?
It was very good overall though. I like how there were some descriptive sentences here and there. It was well-written and it's a nice idea. I was certainly interested in it. ^_^Author's Response: Thank you. I just got a beta, so chapter three and on will be betad. Chapter two was just validated and will be re-done in time.
Thank you for your review! :D Report Review
You need to watch canon capitalizations (things like Muggle, Deluminator, etc). There were also some mistakes with other capitalizations, like ‘The Man smiled.’ There were some mistakes and sentences that didn’t quite read well. You said ‘Mainly of the residents liked to act as though it did not exist’ and ‘whom was famous in his own right’.
There were some nice, detailed descriptions of the house. The style of writing was good and very captivating. Your attention to detail was admirable and the parts about the tea and gestures of the characters added a lot.
I found that this chapter lacked something. I thought the ending was … not disappointing, but more like confusing. I didn’t quite get why teaching Transfiguration would be that big a thing, to be honest. I also found the use of ‘the man’ instead of a name a little off-putting. I did like the idea and it can work very well, but here I thought that the name of the man should probably have been revealed in this chapter. I assumed that it was Severus Snape, then I thought oh wait is it Tom Riddle? Then I realised that it is an OC but purely because of the summary and it's never good to rely on a summary to provide info to the reader. Because I didn't think straight away of the summary, I was thinking that he seemed OoC for Snape lol.
I’m sorry to sound so critical and please don’t think that I disliked everything about this chapter. I actually really enjoyed it and loved how it was written. I thought Albus was very in character and you set the scene and relationship between the two characters very well.
Keep writing, I’d be very interested to see how this goes. ?
Author's Response: Most of what you were confused about will be answered in later chapters. There is a reason why Albus did not say the man's name as well as why Transfiguration was a big deal to the man. It will be explained in future chapters but explaining it in the first would have just given away the plot on a silver platter.
I am working on getting a beta for this story to fix the grammar and spelling issues. Thank you for your review! Report Review
This is really interesting! You captured Dumbledore perfectly, and I liked the dialogue between the characters. =D Sorta funny at the end.
This one is going to the favorites. ;] Author's Response: Thank you! I'm very happy you like my Dumbledore! :D Report Review
Well, I will say this, I am slightly confused. Haha. But the writing is very good, and made me continue reading. I only found one issue when it came to spelling, in the beginning: The groaned against his weight but they did not give way as most would have thought. I do believe you meant They groaned. It was more noticable just because it was the first word in the sentence, and had me double check to see what you meant. Just something small you may want to fix.
Besides that, I look forward to what comes of this story, and who the man is. It seems very interesting. Great chapter!
P.S: I just realized this, but did you read my story 'My Father Is My Savior'? If so, I have posted a sequel called, 'Sirius' Daughter'. And if you have no idea what I am talking about, just ignore this. Haha.Author's Response: lol. Sorry about it confusing you. I knew the first chapter would be very off-beat for most since I not only have to start the story but give you a lot of information without it being boring. Thank you for the spell-check through it too. I do not have a spell-check on my computer, so I am left to relay on reviewers until I find a beta.
Thank you for your review! Report Review
Great chapter, I really enjoy the mystery that shrouds the characters. This allows for much better character development in the later chapters. It can be a little confusing towards the end but I'm thinking that you'll remedy that by the next chapter. Story mechanics are all great and overall this is a really good idea for a story. 10/10
Magical Me13Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad I was able to earn a 10/10 from you! I do hope you'll stick around for the next chapter. It had the Trio in it and we're back at Hogwarts.
Thank you again! Report Review
Okay, as I said in my post I am not a fan of these sort of writings. With that being said you get a pretty resounding wow from me. This works! I think. I mean I still don't like it, cuz, well as I mentioned...but I read the whole thing and didnt hate it one bit. You seem to keep in with everyones minset and where they were in year 5. I like the way you write Dumbledore.
Send me an owl when someone else validates, so I can see wehre you go.
-250 pts for writing in established timelines.+258 for not screwing it up too bad.
Overall score 8. Which will be greatly effected by what you write next. But I do want to see where this goes.
SerAuthor's Response: Thank you! I was really crossing my fingers when I posted for your review. I knew how you did not like this era at all. I'm both shocked and exaulted that you liked my story! Well, didn't hate it. :D But, to me, it's the same.
I'm glad you liked my Dumbledore. He's a very hard character to write in many ways, due to his knowledge and knowing, you also have to know everything he does in order to write his lines correctly. Before reading the last book, I do not think I could ever manage writing Dumbledore without getting sharp objects thrown at me.
I look forward to your review of my next chapter! Report Review
First off, I am very intrigued by this storyline. I don't know where you're going with this, but the witty way with which you wrote this made me continue. Haha. I think you've got Dumbledore completely in character, from his words to his actions. I don't know about the other man; I want to know who he is! Haha. :) He seems like a combination of Slughorn and Snape at the same time. Does that make sense? By the way, look out for commas and phrases you left as sentences. :) All in all, an interesting start to an unusual story. :)
P.S. I'm wondering why it's called The Deceptive Waltz? Whatever the reason, I think it's a creative and imaginative title. ;)Author's Response: Thank you very much! Strangely, Dumbledore was the easier of the two to write. I think because I know someone like him.
Thank you. I know my grammar needs a lot of work. I will take what you said and try to correct my other chapters.
The title was thought up due to the songs I was listening to. Siruis' Deception and The Potter Waltz. I wrote out 'The Deceptive Waltz' and it worked perfectly with the plotline and what happens in the last few chapters I've planned.
Thank you! Report Review
AWESOME!! Can't wait for the update! :-)Author's Response: Thank you! :D Report Review
I really like this story. I'm not sure that things like "The Wizard" should be capitalized but really, it didn't take away from the story and I don't think it's that big of a deal.
I think the way that you made it so mysterious as to who the man is at this point in time and what Dumbledore wanted added to the appeal of the chapter. I wanted to get to the end even if just to find out what the conversation and visit was all about. I too was fully expecting it to be the Care of Magical Creatures job that was being offered temporarily and not Transfiguration.
Overall I think it was a very appealing start to the story and did its job at making me want to continue reading. Well written, interesting, and very different from canon. Definitely will keep reading. =)
-- Lily (I would appreciate you reading one of my stories, but if you don't that's okay with me too.)Author's Response: First, I would like to thank you for your review.
Second, your review is honestly my favorite one. I am very glad to see that my style made you interested and my flaws in grammer did not deter you.
I was worried that the conversation would not peak the interest of most people, and your review made me so very glad I left this chapter the way it was. On my second guessing, I was going to skip ahead to Hogwarts and just have everyone guessing why this teacher was just there. However, I am very happy that people like you, understood the need for this chapter and review it so brilliantly.
Thank you. Report Review
Ah! This was amazing! I only have a few minor objects of critique to point out. First, you were a little bit comma-happy in the beginning and I believe you could do without a few commas here and there. Secondly, I was a little bit confused by some of your capitalization. When you capitalized the "Old Wizard", it made me wonder if perhaps you were talking about someone other than Dumbledore. That really only needs capitalization if it is his title, therefore making it a proper noun. I did like when you capitalized "The Man", since the character's name (I'm assuming he's Voldemort?) wasn't given. However, you went on to write "the man", which seems somewhat inconsistent and made the initial capitalization look like a mistake. Thirdly, "entryway" is one word, but it's not a big deal if you put it as two.Now. The positive. Your writing style is just brilliant. I don't believe I've ever read a better characterization of Dumbledore; everything about him just screams, "DUMBLEDORE!" I love how you don't come right out and identify the man in this chapter. And your dialogue was just so... real. I could imagine the characters actually saying everything that they said.Added to my favorites and 10/10! Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you very much. I have ADD and never learned all the grammical/spelling rules of the english language. I'm glad to see you have tried to help me on not only my plot but my overall writing ability. Thank you.
And your talk of Dumbledore being spot on, made me so happy! I was worried that he would not come across correctly, and your review helped ease my worry. Now, if only my Harry was as spot on... Report Review
He pat the area, as anyone would have guessed a sign of making sure it had not disappeared.---The word pat should be patted.
...beckoned the Head Master to find its origin.--Head Master should be headmaster.
The Old Wizard reached... The word 'Old' shouldn't be capitolized.
The Man smiled...The word 'Man' shouldn't be capitolized.
Aside from the grammatical errors that I pointed out, this chapter was fairly well thought out and detailed. I don't know if I would place another professor to torment Umbridge, but you are the author so you get to write whatever you want to! Good chapter. 8/10Author's Response: Thank you very much. I have ADD and never learned all the grammical/spelling rules of the english language. I'm glad to see you have tried to help me on not only my plot but my overall writing ability. Thank you. Report Review
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