I've read many stories about grief/funerals, especially centered around the Trio. What I love about yours is instead of doing some sort of melodramatic "woe is me" speech, you focused on a very small, yet very important thing: speaking in the past tense. You managed to convey Ron's grief, without losing any of the essential Ronness that we all know and love, by talking about his inability to speak in the past tense. A unique look at things and a wonderful story. Bravo!Author's Response: Wow. Thanks so much. I'm so glad you liked this, I really appreciate your opinions! :) I found this story hard to make unique, and I'm glad you think I pulled it off. Thanks again. :D Report Review
I love this story!! I think it was the perfect length, and Ron's emotions were perfect-- he was definitely in character. I can't find anything that needs to be fixed, so this review will be short. =]
All I can say is that I love it!Author's Response: Yay! I love that! I'm glad you liked it! The length is a tricky one, some love it, some hate it! Report Review
1) Ron was definitely in character.
2) The story line was amazing!
3) There weren't any spelling/grammar errors that I caught.
Quite frankly, I don't know how you could improve it either. Except for the length. It was really short, but sometimes it just comes out that way and it feels so right. If this is what felt right to you, then it feels right to us. It may have been short, but you got in so many emotions and so many ideas that it there's one word that can sum it all up: beautiful-amazing-magnificent-fantastic-terriffic-lovely-breath-taking-fabulous-awesome-and-all-the-other-good-adjectives!
It's going in my favorites!
Author's Response: Oh m goat! I love you! Favourite? Really? Wow! :D Report Review
Okay, so you've asked me to give you advice on your emotion, right?
To start off, I think that flashbacks show a lot of emotion. For example, if you're thinking about someone that's passed away, like Ron is here, you're going to be thinking about the times that you did have a chance to say "I love you." You'd be thinking about the speech you wrote; in fact, you may even want to include the speech, like maybe he still has the parchment he had written on, and that'd be another thing he wouldn't let go of, you know? The biggest thing that jumps out at me is the idea of a flashback to the final battle. That would really show some strong emotion, even if you just let him think about the way that she fell.
Next, I think that using italics is really effective. You have some italics peppered in here and there, but there's a whole section where Ron says he wants to talk in present tense that I think could be even stronger if you used italics on the word "want."
All in all, I think you have really great emotion; you just need to display it a tad bit more.
Now, for the other part of my review. I think the story was short, and trust me, I understand short oneshots, lol. But I do think you could juice it up a bit, you know? Otherwise, this story was very nicely done.
Kudos to you for this one!! =)
PS: I hope that was what you were looking for... =)Author's Response: Thank you that helped me a lot ... I may add flashbacks in as well! :D Thanks! Report Review
i think ron was definetly in character! it seemed exactly like what he would say. very good story line, and no visible spelling errors! i really liked the way you kept it short and sweet, and to the point. that worked for your advantage in the story. i don't think it was sickly, though, i think that it was really moving, and i can see why you wrote. wonderful story. i thnk it really really made your point, and i envy your writing style. good job!
kiwigirlAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I'm glad you commented on Ron's character and whether or not it was too sickly, thanks! I don't see why you would envy my writing style, but hey! A compliment is a compliment and it made me all warm and fuzzy inside! Thank you so much! Report Review
I thnk that it was absolutely lovely!! Ron wasin character and I love the way it is written. I am so close to tears right now! I love it and hoe you get tons of reviews!
Elemental VampyreAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!
Heya, I’ve finally got round to reviewing your story! Sorry for the wait, I’ve had a lot of homework :-( But it was English, so I’m now very much prepared to review your writing lol.
Aw! This story actually brought tears to my eyes the first time I read it. It’s very beautifully written, and not too angst-y (thank you for that, I can’t stand excessive angst lol).
There was only one thing I didn’t quite understand. In the sixth paragraph, you wrote “I never told her I loved her”, and then a couple of paragraphs down you wrote “The last words I spoke to her were the one’s I meant most, I would love her even if she were as brave as Neville when he was eleven, if she were as ugly as a hag, considerate as I am, because deep down, she would still be Hermione.” It’s a bit of a contradiction, which is a little confusing for the reader. Other than that everything was very well written so good job :-)
I thought Ron was very much in character; I think that’s exactly how he would feel and behave in that nasty situation. I liked the way you included: “I want to hear her voice yelling at me, telling me that my emotional range of a teaspoon has now deteriorated, or that I should give up on Madame Rosmerta” As well as being quite funny, I think it’s also exactly what Ron would think. If Hermione was gone, he would definitely miss her friendly criticisms, because that makes up a big part of their friendship.
You said in the form that you were worried about the length of the one-shot. You could have extended it a bit, perhaps including flashbacks, but the danger with that would be it may detract away from the raw emotions you portray very well with a shorter piece. I think quite a few people dislike very short one-shots because they think it doesn’t do justice to the character or storyline. However, I don’t mind them at all and I thought this was very well written and good as it is. Also, I have a 658 word one-shot published on HPFF, so I can’t really talk. I think you’ve got to be prepared not to get as many reads or reviews as longer stories, but at the end of the day you’ve got to write for you, not for the people that may read your stories.
That’s it from me, I think. I hope I’ve been helpful, especially about the length thing, because you seemed very worried about it and I wanted to focus more on that than anything else. Anyway, hope you find this review helpful :-)
Katherine (DearMyLove on the forums)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for that legendary review! :D I am grinning so much!
I'm glad you liked it and thought that Ron was in character, I was dead worried about that!
For the spot of confusion all I have to say is that the last words he said to her, she couldn't have heard, as the last words he said were at the funeral. So, thanks for asking about that! It shows you actually paid attention to my story! :D
A few people have commented on the whole bringing in Hermione's harsh words, and I'm thankful for that as I think that is one of my favourite parts as most people would miss both the things they loved as well as hated about the person that died. Thanks! :D
And as for the length, I fully agree with you!
Thanks so much!
~Cedrics_gurl~ Report Review
Ron seemed as if he was in character through out most of the story, but, honestly, I think he would have more explaining in how he felt, just so he could forsure get the point across, you know?
The story-line was awesome, it all rolled together and such. Good idea for a story line!
Your grammar wasnt perfect, but I didnt have any trrouble reading it. Its good. I think that your only problem, was that you need abit more description. But its really good! Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad you thought Ron was in character, I was so worried about that! Perhaps I should add a bit more description and a few more paragraphs decribing how he felt, but the point of this story was to see if I could pull off having a short story where a main character loses someone they love and trying to get them to react to in in a realistic way, I hope I did that! Lol...
I know my grammar isn't perfect, but I can work on that, thanks for commenting on that by the way!
Thanks! =) Report Review
I think this is a deep emotional topic - trying to remember to use past tense for someone who has died. Now, I'm a canon freak, so it doesn't work as much for me that it's Hermione because (unless this is like a million years later) she's not dead. BUT Ron's personality and voice did show through, and I'm guessing that's what you were going for. I think I would have liked this better if it was Ron (or another character) thinking about one of the people who really died at some point, but that's me, the canon freak, talking.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am a bit of a canon freak too, but I don't know, I got a plot bunny and just had to do it! I did consider doing it about Remus and Tonks, but then they both died so I couldn't, so I decided I wouldn't stick to canon! I'm glad you thought Ron's voice showed through, and yes, that was my aim. Thank you! :D Report Review
meh...its hard to be harsh when I liked it that much. Ron was in character, I thought it was exactly what he would have done at Hermione's funeral. No spelling or grammar errors that I could see, and the plot line was good. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I love your review! It tells me exactly what I wanted to hear, but expected not to hear lol! Report Review
WOW!!! This story totally blew me away. I like how you showed Ron as a loving/caring type of person. Most fanfics show him as only 'comic relief' (which is totally annoying) but you did an AMAZING job on making him something more.
*adds to favorites*
10/10 stared review!
Ps: Glad you like the banner and thanks for the credit :D
Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad you liked my Ron! I love Ron so much, if it weren't for Hermione, I'd marry him! :) Thanks so much for the banner, it is well and truly breathtaking! Report Review
Ron was amazing. He was slightly OOC but that is absolutly 100% understandable, he has just lostthe love of his life !!!
The story line was perfect, so sad, yet so.perfect?
No, error free !!!
I have to say that adored the story, it was perfect !!!
It's a favourite =D
Oh, it brought a tear to my eye, Ced !
Author's Response: Yay! Thanks so much, Caitlin!!!! Far from perfect in my opinion lol...really bring a tear to your eye?? Wow!!! xx Report Review
Wow this short but wonderfully beautiful story deserves lots of praise.
First off. This story has a fantastic thesis. And even though it is short, that's all you need to prove it. You don't go overboard trying to get your point across. You only do what's needed and for this story that work's slendidly. And just like a good author should you repeat your thesis, not outright, but enough for the reader to get it, at the end, in the conclusion. Where the reader is going to be reflecting on the piece. See: I know in my head that she is gone, that I should speak in past tense. But in my heart? In my heart she is still there, still there and she won’t ever die, and that’s why I won’t let her die in my speech. As long as she stays alive in my heart, I will keep her alive in my speech." Great work!
I am going to praise specific paragraphs as well as the entire story this paragraph: "I am forever still saying, “Hermione’s ace, isn’t she mate?” I should be saying, “Hermione was ace, wasn’t she mate?” I try to make myself say it, but I always slip up. It’s as though a part of me wants to hold on, hold on and pretend she’s not gone. Pretend the past isn’t the past. I want to speak in present tense. I want to hear her voice yelling at me, telling me that my emotional range of a teaspoon has now deteriorated, or that I should give up on Madame Rosmerta … anything. I just want to hear her." I had been teary eyed from when i first realized what was going on in the story (right at the beginning.) But this is the paragraph that made me actually start to cry outloud. Why did that work? Because the longings seemed so realistic. The way he dealt with the death. Wishing she would be their to scold him and snap at him as well as all of the nice things people love in people. Because when you deal with death you arn't only missing the kind words and good qualities. You are missing the fact that the person is there. So all of the regular things they do that are part of your everyday life affect you. Well done.
And this paragraph "Hermione isn’t a coward, there I go again! Hermione wasn’t a coward, if she was a coward she wouldn’t have died whilst fighting two Death Eaters. That’s probably why I never told her. I never told her I loved her because I was too scared to in case she did something incredible brave." You are really dealing with the top pillars of writing here. One of the top three is voice. Normally voice is an authors voice but when it is first person the author has to fit the character the story is being told by. And you have mastered that. Not only do you fit the character but you make the reader feel like they are being told the story instead of intruding on somebody's diary. Wonderful work. The first sentence in that paragraph set the rest off to work wonderfully.
This story is wonderful. How do you fit so many wonderful points and sentences, and actualy get your thesis across in such a small writing? Even though alot of people think it is better to do long, in this case it is an achievment. Think about how hard it is to get a point across to somebody else with such little sentences. But you did it because your examples were strong and your sentences were powerful. Great job. I think that this deserves a 10/10
Author's Response: Thank you so much! =) You don't know how much that meant to me!!! I am crying, and I'm not kidding, I'm a complete wreck!!! How can you find so many compliments to give in such a short story?
I tried hard not to put my point across again and again repetitively, in exactly the same words etc. and I'm glad you think that I didn't fall into that gaping chasm!
I can't believe I actually made someone cry! I've never done that before! Not properly in my writing, anyway! I'm so glad you thought it was realistic!
As I have never lost someone close to me, I had to put myself in someone else's shoes, which was rather difficult! But I eventually decided that you wouldn't just miss the kisses, hugs and laughs, you would miss everything. I'm glad you liked it!
Wow, I never thought someone could read so much into my story, I deliberately put the whole 'being told the story' there in the hope someone would pick up on it, if you get my drift! I applaud you!
Hmm...now that last paragraph made me ask myself questions!
Do I deserve a 10/10? And the answer is: it depends, many people hate this sort of thing, and I'm just lucky I have a reviewer like you who enjoys this no matter what length!
Thank you! I mean it! This is my favourite review! EVER!!!!
I love you so much for this, I didn't think I would get such a good review for this!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Hermiones dead! Poor Ron its good but does it have to be this sad?Author's Response: Thank you, but sorry! It has to be that sad...I hate that Hermione died in this story, but, it was just the way I wrote it!
~Cedrics_gurl~ Report Review
very interesting, do go on =)Author's Response: thank you!!!
~Cedrics_gurl~ Report Review
Very good it's a little sad though :'( But well done! Please reviw my story you can find me under C D johnson in the list of authors once again well done! cant wait for moreAuthor's Response: Thank you! I will read your story now! Looking forward to it! Report Review
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