I adored the chapter, although I really want to know what the artice was about!

Author's Response:
You'll see; I promise. (:

-Carrie

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The 'ministry officals' must have been frightning even though they wern't really officals. I loved the chaper as always!

Author's Response:
Thank you. =)

-Carrie

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Woah -- back to England, disguised as Muggles? Would that be very safe? I'm not sure I agree with David's idea there, lol. Poor Heidi, scared for her baby...I can totally understand. I really do like your writing style, so far, the story's a good read and I've enjoyed every chapter. I do think that it would be nice if your chapters were a tad bit longer. I would say that more detail was needed but there's actually a good amount of it in your story -- but still, try your best to push yourself and write even longer chapters :)
“Heidi, I don’t know what’s right to do and I don’t know what’s wrong to do. It feels like a guessing game,” he said, squeezing Heidi’s hands tighter yet. This is my favorite quote in this chapter. A guessing game...I like how he phrased that (or basically you wrote that :P).
And aww, a cliffie! I want to find out what David has in mind! So keep up the good work and update soon,
xo Lauren

Author's Response:
Haha, I had to give him a little spontaniety. =) Spice it up a little. lol. The next update should come soon. =)

-CArrie

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UGH! I always forget to favorite stories when they're written for a challenge I issued and then I haven't been on the forums in a while and just...ugh. I apologize for not reviewing earlier :]
I really like how we were able to know more about Heidi in this chapter, you gave more information about her. The ending, about when they were talking about who was on the list -- for some reason that confused me, about who was talking. I mean, I know that Heidi is the one who's Muggle-born but the way you wrote it was confusing, so I thought David was the one talking about being on the list for a moment.
I love David and Heidi's relationship, the two are so sweet to each other, it made me smile :)
“I thought that maybe, just maybe, the Wizarding World would be happier place than my home. Every little girl thinks that magic is equal to a fairy tale. I was very wrong.” That has to be my favorite quote from this chapter, it was a great line.
So on to chapter three, good job!!
xo Lauren

Author's Response:
Aww, that's okay. I don't mind. Better late than never.
Sorry that I confused you! That was definitely unintentional. I'll revise that.
I wanted to create a safe sanctuary kind of dynamic for their relationship. Like, no matter what happened, Heidi would be there for David and vice versa, so it's good to hear that you think they're sweet to each other. That's definitely the point. =)
I quite liked that line myself. ;)

-Carrie

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Aww. Poor Heidi.
I liked this chapter. =3

Author's Response:
Thanks. :)

-Carrie

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Ah, wonderful story. ^^
I could feel the tension. o:
I love the story-live so far. =3

Author's Response:
Thank you. :)

-Carrie

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Being muggles could work unless someone noticed who they were. It's gotta be hard to think about a good plan under all that stress though. I really enjoyed this chapter. :)

Author's Response:
Perhaps that plan will come in handy. ;) I'm glad you enjoyed.

-Carrie

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Although it was short, I really quite liked it. :) It was one of those little bity chapters that was still chopped full of dialogue/important conversations, so I don't come away thinking only of the length.

I just feel awful for them. And poor David not knowing what to do...I hope that when this is all over they get to go on vacation. They need one. If they all live that is. *sob* But I guess you can't tell me anything so it's pointless to cry over it for the moment. ;)

I really like the last line. Boyish grin, lol. I can really see that. :)

Lovely job!

nana_banana_xx3

Author's Response:
You're right; I'm not going to tell you anything. :) But they do need a vacation.

-Carrie

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Oh, poor Heidi. A little daughter and a husband who aren't in any serious danger without her, but choose to anyway.
Gen

Author's Response:
Precisely. :) Thanks for the review.

-Carrie

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Oh, how sad. Gosh, it would be terrible to live in fear of what's happening.
Gen

Author's Response:
I can't even imagine how she feels, I'm just guessing.

-Carrie

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Aww this is so sad, but it is wonderfully written. I love all your stories, you are amazing.

Author's Response:
Again, thanks so much. :) And nah, I'm not amazing, but if you think I am, awesome. :)

-Carrie

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This was really good. I like the whole plot and I can't wait to see how this turns out in the next chapter.

Author's Response:
Thank you so much. :)

-Carrie

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Uh-oh. She's on the list? That's never a good thing.

I love the relationship you've already created between Heidi and David. It's very sweet, and you can really tell how much they love each other. I can really sense their desperation and uncertainty, which is a really great thing. :) Not that they're desperate and uncertain...just that I can sense it. lol!

Just when they think that things might be looking up...

I enjoyed this chapter m'dear. Lovely job!

nana_banana_xx3

Author's Response:
Aww, thanks so much. :)

-Carrie

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That's got to be hard, knowing that even in another country your not safe. Liv is cute though. :)

Author's Response:
Yep. :( I'm glad that Liv is cute though. :)

-Carrie

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Very interesting start! I'm not a fan of oc/oc, but you caught my attention. I just wish you told us a bit more about the characters, but I'm sure you'll probably be doing that in later chapters or something. The only thing I really noticed was the wording in the paragraph where you told what Heidi and David looked like.

But other than that, I thought it was a great start. Keep up the great work =]

Author's Response:
Thank you. :) Yep, I know the wording is awkward. I'm working on it. And I'm actually working on telling about the characters right now.

-Carrie

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Huh. This is actually a really cool idea. I hadn't really thought about doing a story with that scenario as its root, but I really like it. :)

You did a good job with descriptions--I felt like I was there. Also, you did a nice job of conveying the desperation they were feeling. I felt awful for the two of them the entire time I was reading. I love David. He seems wonderful.

I'm very interested to see what will happen next. ^_^

nana_banana_xx3

Author's Response:
I'm so glad that you liked it! The next chapter should be out soon.

-Carrie

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I really liked it, it must be hard when they want you gone for the simple reason;your a muggleborn.

Author's Response:
Thank you. :) I'm glad you enjoyed.

-Carrie

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"His features looked tired and care worn. He was a rather plain looking man with hazel eyes and brown hair. His wife on the other hand, was not plain looking with her blonde hair and playful blue eyes. She was not beautiful either, though." There's just something a little awkward about how this was worded. I think you would have faired better putting 'His features looked tired and care worn' after the second sentence, as opposed to before it.

The thing with writing an OC/OC piece is that you really need to fill us in on background information and your characters need to be really well developed, because we don't have any previous knowledge of who they are, or what their personalities are like. It is your first chapter though, so I'm sure the characters become more well rounded as the story progresses.

Another thing, the part where Heidi sticks her head into her husband's study confused me a little bit. I'm not quite sure why, but I just thought I'd mention that.

All in all, though, pretty decent start. And very brave of you to write an OC/OC. In my opinion, those are the hardest.

Author's Response:
I agree with you on the wording. I'll fix that as soon as possible.

I was thinking on filling out their background information as the story goes, that way we kind of find out who they are as things happen. I hope that they become more rounded as I go.

I'm sorry to have confused you with that. I'll have to incorporate it back into the story so that perhaps it will be better understood.

Thanks for the review.

-Carrie

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Hey Carrie! This is an interesting start. Moved a little too quick at some points and I had to go and reread to get what was going on. I do like the chemistry you have between David and Heidi. I thought you might just let her go off for questioning without him doing anything about it! Now, where did they apparate to?

Author's Response:
Thank you. :) I'm sorry that it went to fast. I'm revising the chapter a bit now, so perhaps that will help for future readers. I'm glad you like their chemistry. Wow, I really had you thinking that he'd send her off? I'm glad, because that was the point. ;) You'll find out in the next chapter where they went to. :)

-Carrie

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Yay, first chapter's up! ^^ Glad you decided to take up the challenge. This was a good first chapter! We could have used a bit more background information, and more detail would have been good, though the chapter was fine without it. I love the first paragraph: She was cold. She was as cold as Azkaban. She was as scared as one grew near a Dementor. She did not understand why this was happening. She understood that the Wizarding world was in the midst of a war, but why her? Simply because she was Muggle born? That was not reason enough for her. She would not get to watch her four month old baby girl, Liv, grow up if they took her away. I like your writing style, this first paragraph was just great :D
From where they hear a crash and then Heidi packs and everything I think that there could have been a bit more emotion. I felt that it was missing something. I do like, how at the end, you mentioned how the bedroom held so many memories, we can connect with the OC more that way when you write things like that =) Overall, good job, can't wait to read the second chapter!
xo Lauren

Author's Response:
I'm glad you enjoyed. :) The challenge was, well, a challenge for me. I've never attempted anything like this, but I really am enjoying the story so far. I'm glad you like my style. :) That means a lot to me. I can definitely inject more emotion into the second half of the chapter. No problem. :) I'll let you know when the next chapter is up.

-Carrie

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Ooo...I like this fic, Carrie {if I can call you that, hope you don't mind} this was awesome, it really got me thinking of all the poor muggle borns and what Voldy did to them. This was very nice first chapter, update soon :) 10/10, my only question is why did they have a tent inside the house?

♥Cait

Author's Response:
I don't care if ya call me that. ;) I'm glad you enjoyed. :) I'm working on chapter 2 right now. Thanks for the ten. :) And it was like a tent that's in a bag. Yanoe, like the tent that Hermione kept in her bag in DH?

-Carrie

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I like the idea behind it. There's a great start to it, my same complaint from your George fic still stands, and that's the issue of flow, something that will resolve itself with practice. But it's always worth the concious effort to realize that the sentences tend to be blunt and a bit jarring, and in some parts a bit repetative. A tip that helped me is try reading your story out loud, and change it until it sounds good. (Best do this when you have the house to yourself, you get weird looks otherwise.)

But this is a great idea, and I like your approach to this challenge so far, and I would rather enjoy seeing the rest of this, and what happens in it. I like this one rather a lot so far.

Author's Response:
I'll revise it and try to fix some of the flow issues. I think I have the house to myself for a while tomorrow, so I'll also read it aloud to myself.

I'm glad you like it thus far. Perhaps I'll see some more reviews from you in the future.

-Carrie

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