I didn't notice major grammar mistakes, but I'm kind of obsessive with grammar so I need to point some things out.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed until my feet finally touched the cold hard wood.
...cold, hard wood.
I tucked it all behind her ear and knelt down and kissed her on the cheek.
...behind her ear, knelt down, and kissed her on the cheek.
A tear fell from my face and hit the paper with a soft plop.
Nothing's wrong with this sentence. I just don't particularly like the word plop here. I think it detracts from the mood of the writing. I just actually got out a piece of paper and let a drop of water fall on it, and I think using a soft thud instead might sound better.
It was during the battle and Hermione...Hermione was right there, only feet from me, looking at me with scared eyes, about to take a step toward me when to my horror, to my heartache, The Avada Kedavra curse had hit her in the stomach and she fell, lifeless, to the ground.
This seems like a bit of a run-on. Also the The in The Avada Kedavra should be capitalized.
‚Ron, don‚t be ridiculous,‚Ě said Ginny with tears in her eyes. You have to go,‚Ě
"You have to go."
I opened the gate and started walking not really sure where I was going.
...walking, not really sure...
When I had roamed around aimlessly for some time, My heart began to beat anxiously in my chest.
I fell and with a whooshing sound all the air left my lungs.
...sound, all the air...
I was lying on the ground breathing harder than ever before hoping to God that air, sweet air, would leak back into me.
...before, hoping to God...
‚It‚s me Ron.‚Ě I said breathlessly.
...Ron," I said...
‚60 years it's been and blimey... it's still hard,‚Ě I managed to choke out.
Never start a sentence with a number. Start it with Sixty instead of 60.
Your writing is so beautiful! This story was so touching, and I don't think it could have been writen any better. I especially love how you described everything. It painted such a detailed and perfect picture in my mind. If you have any other stories I'd love to read them.
~Victoire Report Review
this story was absolutly beautiful.
i loved the line
"sometimes i try to get you, but i never really try."
i cried my eyes out. but in a good way!
excellent work. Report Review
that was so sad
i criedAuthor's Response: aww. i hope you liked it. xx Report Review
Omg I am swiming in a pool of my trears that was so said. I cant wait for your next story they are all so good.Author's Response: aww. that means loadddds. i'm sorry you cried dear. haha. thanks loads for reading. xx Report Review
OMG! That was so sad! I cried at that last sentence.
Another one dies in your story. First Keely now Hermione.
You should totally put a warning for this sad, sad story.
Great WRITTING!Author's Response: I know. ): I can't resist killing people off. lol. Thanks for the review. (: xx Report Review
WOW! That was sad! You write the best stories!
It was quite sad actually, I felt tears. *Sniff, sniff* Is this a one-shot? I wish there was more.
Good writting! Author's Response: Thankssss. (: Yes, it's a one-shot, theres no more to this one. I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the review. xx Report Review
Hi! I don't know if you remember me or not but you reviewed my Ron/Hermione fic months ago and I'm sorry it's taken me this long to return the favour >_< but I'm here so let's get to the reviewing!
I really enjoyed your characterizations of Old Ron, I thought he was so sweet and cute. You kept this fic short and simple. It was nice that you gave Ron a partner in Anabelle but I would've like more description of her, maybe like how she was nothing at all like Hermione which was the main reason he married her. My favorite part was when he was talking to her grave, I think you used wonderful lines of dialogue that were just so heart-wrenching! My one advise is that perhaps you need to make the paragraphs slightly longer, just to add a bit more length. But you already have a talent for really poignant lines. This was a sad, but sweet story!
~Misty Author's Response: Ohh yeh I do remember you. (: Thanks, I actually had a lot about Annabelle written at first, but it was one long jumbled story and I thought maybe if I didn't talk about her it would indicate old Ronnie didn't love her the same way he had loved Hermione. I really do have trouble with making stories long. Some people can go on and on, as you can see I'm not one of those people. haha. I'm glad you liked it. ^.^ Thanks so much for returning the favour, it means loads to me really. xx Report Review
Ahh my god!!! -Falls in love with story- Thats so sad! I'm just going to have to add it to my favorites! Another beautiful story. I loved the last sentence! That made me cry even more than I already was! I'm sort of wishing you to write more because you're such an amazing writer but I'm not sure if I want to cry this much again! Ahh go for it, write more!=]
10/10!!!Author's Response: LOL! i'm sorry. hahaha. i'm so glad you liked it. ^.^ hehe. i should write more? are you sure? i'm not sure. oh well. maybe i will. thanks soooo much! *high fives* (: Report Review
oh my god! you made me cry! i'm sobbing right now! that was just so sad!!! it is too horrible to even think about one dying before the other, even more terrible to think of them having to let go of those who died, especially hermione...10/10!Author's Response: thanks AGAIN! lol. i'm glad you liked this one too, i'm like shaking with glee. lol. thanks so much. xx Report Review
Jenny: Wow, another very depressing story from my favorite depressing author.
Lynn: Kill Hermione this time, eh? Ouch.
Jenny: The imagery used was excellent.
Lynn: The only thing I didn't like was the name Annabelle.
Jenny: There was this movie I watched when I was a little kid about a cow named Annabelle who wanted to save Christmas for a crippled kid.
Jenny: Yeah, it was really weird. And since then I haven't liked the name Annabelle.
Lynn: Sorry a cow had to ruin it.
Jenny: HAHAHA.Author's Response: OMG I SAW THAT MOVIE! :D ANNABELLE'S WISH! LMAO! omg. omg. that's so funny. but i still like the name annabelle, it suited her well. *sticks tongue out* hahaha. oh gosh. thanks so much. i'm glad you liked it! xx Report Review
Omg... that was such a beautiful story. I swear. I love these kinds of stories. Though, I hate how they have to have someone dying in them to make them so touching and deep.
But, you really did a good job on this. I loved it.
10/10Author's Response: aww. thank you so much. it really makes me so happy. :D lol. thanks for reading. xx Report Review
Wow. Words can't express. Why do all you works have to match your name? 10/10Author's Response: sorry. lol. i tend to lean towards tragic stories, if you haven't noticed already. (:
thanks for the review. ^.^ Report Review
Aw! I loved this! It was very well-written! And I adored this: "For Love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame." That really touchs my heart. Did you make that up? This was just amazing! You are an amazing writer! Well done! 10/10!Author's Response: no actually, that was from the Bible. thank God for that. (: thanks so much... AGAIN! haa. i'm glad you liked this too. xD Report Review
This story made me cry so much, all your stories that I've read have, but that's good because it means your stories have depth and emotion in them which most stories nowadays don't have. Author's Response: aww. thank you. it means a lot. i'm so glad that you like them :D Report Review
so sad, im crying like mad d d.Author's Response: awww. *hands over kleenex*
i'm sorry. ):
i hope you like it though, thanks for reviewing. (: Report Review
wow. that was really well written. absolutely gut wrenching, but in a good way. if that's possible. you should really keep writing. you're good.Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it, and I'm glad it had that effect on you. (: Report Review
I love it so much. It made me cry a lot, but I love those kinds of stories.
9/10Author's Response: Wow, thanks. ^.^ I like those kind of stories too... I guess that's why I write them. haha. Thanks a lot. (: Report Review
I could feel myself tearing up as I read this story. It's so sweet, and so sad. The writing was wonderful, and I could connect with Ron. Some of the best fanfiction I've seen.Author's Response: Wow. That's such a compliment. *blushes* We all just love Ron, I think. (: ANd thanks so much, that made me happy. Report Review
I was deeply moved by the piece.
Well writtenAuthor's Response: Wow. Thank you. (: I'm glad it meant something to you. Report Review
Awww Thats So Sad!
My Eyes Were Watering For A Second Lol
Good Job! XDAuthor's Response: OH! *rushes kleenex's to you*
I'm glad you liked it. *blushes* Report Review
this was really good. i liked the saying on the tombstone. it fits perfectly.
however, cemeteries aren't organized alphabetically. that was the only correction i can give you.Author's Response: HAHAHA! I knowwww. See, in my town, we only have one cemetery might I add, and it is all organized alphabetically, but I just realized my town is obviously a bit twisted. lol. I'm going to change that bit now. Thanks. (: Report Review
Is it over? It's pretty sad, but great. Please update soon!
and the other story.Author's Response: Yay! Your a double fan, and a first reviewer! xD Yeah, it's over, and Daddy's Hands is almost over too. :( Report Review
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