Reading Reviews for Once Upon a Hogsmeade Day
  
72 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Shortie Hazel Eyes

26th July 2012:
"He moved a couple of books that were out of place and as he moved the final book, blocking him from the other side, his eyes stumbled upon another pair of eyes."

I love that part. I can actually imagine it in slow motion *Giggles* Very romantic and dramatic, and I love it.

Your language is very advanced, which is good. If you wrote a Founders fic it would be perfect. But since it's the marauders, it would be perfect if you could loosen up a bit, you know?

Which reminds me, did you get a beta? You can ask her to point the places where you need to loosen up. After getting directed twice or thrice you'd do it yourself. Just for a few chapters.

I love Remus so I love this. But you're making James and Sirius bad *Sob* hehe I want to see how that turns out :D

All in all, another good chapter. If you polish up on those points, you'd be grand.

You're almost there :)

*Hugs*

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked that part. Yes, i did get a beta (finally!!!) We're currently working through the chapters. Hopefully it'll all be corrected soon!

 Report Review

Review #2, by Ravenclaw_Charm First Night Back

21st July 2012:
Hi, there! Ravenclaw_Charm from the forums here (: First off, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for how late this is! I thought I had already done this, then I checked and I hadn't and now I feel awful :P But here's your review...

CHARACTERIZATION:
I think you pulled this off quite well. Peter is, of course, the little follower as usual, barely being seen or heard. James and Sirius are the big pranksters, the rulers of the school. But it seems like you portrayed James here more mean than I've pictured him; here, he's not arrogant but just plain rude :/ (That poor little first year...) You've portrayed Lily as the good girl, honest and true and all that, which is great considering the little time we had to see her. Remus is the level-headed one of the gang, and you've portrayed him quite well :) Good job with the characterizations!

PLOT:
Ah, so Sirius does have a heart! And James isn't too happy about being Head Boy, and neither is Lily. Despite the fact that I haven't seen too much plot development so far, this ought to be interesting... ;) Just keep up with the pranks, shenanigans, and drama, and you'll have an awesome plot!

READER INTEREST:
You keep readers hooked with your dialogue, for sure. You also sprinkle in some description, which is good, so we know where we are. So far, you're doing well :)

FLOW:
Everything flowed together well, except for the transition from the feast to post-feast. There weren't any asterisks between like normal, so it disrupted the flow a bit.

GRAMMAR:
I noticed that you changed tenses a couple times - in the beginning of the chapter and when you introduce us to Lily. Also, I've noticed some errors in capitalization and punctuation. It's all really small stuff, so nothing to worry about :)

All in all, I think you've got a cute love story beginning to form here! I'm kind of interested to see why this is all from Remus's POV. What did he witness that was so important? What were his thoughts through all of this?
Again, I'm really sorry about the wait, and I hope I wasn't harsh or anything! Happy writing! You're doing a good job so far :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story!

I'm currently working with a beta to have all those grammatical errors fixed!

I'm glad that you've taken an interest of the spin that I've put into these characters. I hope that you continue to read on to see how they've developed as well as the plot ^_^

Thanks again!


 Report Review

Review #3, by Analesh7 Hogsmeade

10th July 2012:
Loved this chapter!!! Finally we get on board with the conflict. Remus is having second thoughts on likingthe same girl as his best mate, but who can deny what the heart wants right?

Even though you didn't shows Lily and James date, which I wish you could have done, I forgive you because we got more in depth inside Remus head.

I'm hoping in the next chapter James spills the beans ;)

Author's Response: Ohh I hope that you love what's in store ^_^

Thanks again! You're helping me become a better writer ^_^


 Report Review

Review #4, by Analesh7 Remus Lupin

10th July 2012:
Why can't Remus be normal and talk to Emina? Is that too hard to ask? Ha ha

Now as far as characterization so far, I wish we got more insight into Emina. Because she is your character, you have full liberty to make her out as whatever person you'd like. I'm hopeing the next chapter shows more of her. For Remus, the rest of the Marauders and Lily, they're personality is showned much by the dialogue, which is a great helper.

Omg the beginning of the chapter was hilarious with Lucius and Narrcisa.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you found the Lucius/ Narcissa scene funny ^_^ I will be adding more and more details to all major characters as the story progresses.

 Report Review

Review #5, by Analesh7 Hazel Eyes

9th July 2012:
Brb squealing because Remus met that special someone...with hazel eyes.

For a short chapter, I thought it served a good purpose. Remus finally had to meet "the girl" so it was great to get that in the open. And thank Merlin, Emina isn't dating Lucius

The flow was pretty straight forward and I especially loved how described something simple as a whisper from a person and how it sounded to Remus. Great job!

Author's Response: Hiya! Thank you again for taking the time to leave a review. Your feedback means so much to me!

 Report Review

Review #6, by Analesh7 First Night Back

9th July 2012:
Hey! This wickedana from HPFFF

Let me first say that your writing is so sophisticated and detailed, I'm extremely jealous! You describe the scene very well and show off a bit of the characters personality, and a leave bit for, we readers, could imagine about them. I obviously know something is going to happen between Sirius and Remus because of your summary, but in just the first chapter, you let the playing field wide open, so that anything can happen :)

James, oh James. Deflate your head a little bit and eat less if your around Lily. That's all I can say about him.

Good start, great flow, I'm heading off to the next chapter :D

Author's Response: Hiya! Thank you so much for taking the time to review my chapters! I know there are a few things that need some changing, but I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter ^_^

Whew! I'm glad the flow is alright ^_^
Thanks again! I really appreciate this!


 Report Review

Review #7, by Broken Butterfly First Night Back

5th July 2012:
Hi. Sorry it took me awhile to get back to you. I'm sorta on vacation and the internet is shaky at best here. I think that the stoy is good. The characterization seemed to me to stay true to both the way JK Rowling wrote the books and how I have read them in several fan fics. I don't see any problem with grammar or spelling so you are good in that department. As far as reader interest, Its hard for me to say. I have difficulties reading remus as a character because I don't feel a strong connection to him and when he is the main character of a fic, I have difficult really gettin into the story. But then, that is just me and my opinion. I overall like the plot of the story so I think that Reader interest in this will be high and you are doing a wonderful job. Sorry if I couldn't be more of help, keep up the good work.
Broken Butterfly

Author's Response: Thank you so much for getting back to me!
I really appreciate the feedback!


 Report Review

Review #8, by Jchrissy Hazel Eyes

3rd July 2012:
Hello there, alright, I'm going to try and stay away from grammar considering you told me you are now working with a beta :)

Other than reading history books, Remus loves reading of fictional stories involving clever mysteries and extravagant action.

I'm not sure why you have of in there, maybe just delete it? :)

Usually I comment on things during, but due to the length of this chapter I think it will be easier to just comment on it as a whole. I think you need to work more on your transitions, I was really confused on how we got from point A to B a lot of the time. I could pick up it and figure out what happened, but the amount of effort it took to do so would probably turn a handful of readers off.


You seem very excited to get your plot out there, and there's nothing better about a writer being excited for their story! But, make sure you really stop and add in description. Tell us what the characters are doing while they are speaking, tell us what their surroundings are.

I think to really get me interested in going to the second chapter you would just need to smooth out those transitions and add more depth to your scenes and characters. Again, I know you have a beta know so they will really help pin point where these things need to be added and help you.

I can't comment on much in form of characterization because I'm still not sure of who these people are.I know their names, and I know my opinions on their characters, but I don't really know what kind of people they are in your story just yet :)!

I think this still shows a lot of potential and am very excited to see the improvements your beta and yourself can make together :)!

PM if you have any questions regarding this review!

Jami

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it!



 Report Review

Review #9, by Shortie First Night Back

2nd July 2012:
First of all, I love Sirius and James :D

Secondly, good start! There weren't much mistakes except for a few, but all you need is a beta. You still haven't got one have you? Don't worry you'll get one somehow. Anyways, I love this story. Characterization is good. :) I'll keep on reading and reviewing the other chapters as well.

Author's Response: Alright! Thank you! I've finally found a validator for this story! I'm really excited for it.

I appreciate your feedback. Thank you again!


 Report Review

Review #10, by Jchrissy First Night Back

30th June 2012:
Hello, darling! It looks like you want a review directed toward plot, characterization, and readers interest. Let's get started :)!

So I'm a bit confused by those first few lines, and confused to if this will start as a flashback or if we are in present time. Maybe you could smooth that out? I LOVE that you have started on the train. I think itís the perfect place to begin the 'journey'.. excuse my lame pun ;)!


I'm curious as to why you have two best friends said int he first paragraph, shouldn't it be three?

I like the way you slipped that James is head boy in there! Very good without it seeming too- Oh, James Potter is Head Boy.

As far as this goes with characterization, I really think you should reconsider this. -
"I can't wait to see the new batch of fresh first years. I've got new tricks up my sleeves just waiting to be tried." because we know from canon that his 7th year is when he grows up. Even if he is still immature at this point, he respects Dumbledore. He wouldn't betray the new trust he was given by making the first years life any more difficult when it's his job to help them. Just a characterization suggestion :)!

I'm also going to have to add in that the part where James trip the first year who is on the verge of crying, really also seems out of canon. James and Sirius seem to do funny pranks, in a Weasley twin sense. Ones that everyone gets enjoyment out of, unless it's Snape. James is also known to be a very caring person, I really don't think bringing a first year to the verge of tears is something he would do. I love your pranking spirit and that you're trying to make sure to keep their mischievous side alive! I just think it's important to remember who these people are :)!

I love that you have already introduced us to the future love interest! and even more that youíve made Emina Lucius's girlfriend! Great twist, m'dear! It peaks interest immediately! I also like that you have James and Lily's first interaction/argument out. I do think you should go over the discussion he has with his friends though, remember they know him better than anyone but his parents. Maybe even better than his parents. I don't think they would need to ask why he treats her that way. Also, be careful of your word choices. It sounds very, very proper.. if that makes sense ;). Mainly :

"Then why do you treat her in such a manner?"

"I just don't know how to express my true affection."

Okay, I'm sorry if this review had some harsh CC. I really would never try and get you down about your story, but I'm also an honest reviewer. It's very easy to tell that you love what you are writing, and that's the most important part! I'm just a canon not, so it's hard not to spot the things that don't fall into place when it comes to our Canon characters.

I think you did a great job with Lily, she seemed concerned about her friend and unwilling to give up, which is very in character for her :). I think it's important to remember where these people are at in life. It's their seventh year, and about a year from this point they will be part of one of the biggest wars in their world. They aren't the same 5th years that hang Snape by his toes.

I have seen your beta request floating around, and I think that's a great idea because they will help you with all these amazing ideas you have and smooth them out :)!

Your story shows so much potential and is staying far from cliches so far, so that is absolutely wonderful! Again, I'm sorry if any of my CC offended you. Feel free to PM me if you would like to discuss anything further!

Thank you so much for requesting!

JChrissy

Author's Response: I have finally found a beta for this so there will be changes made to this ^_^ As I read this chapter again, I did notice all the mistakes that you pointed out and you're right. James's character is not in the correct stage and there's a bit of dialogue in there that sounds waaayyy to proper.

I shall get to editing this soon! Thank you for reviewing my work, I really appreciate it!


 Report Review

Review #11, by Moonyxluna Hazel Eyes

28th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

Alright, so I want to talk about transitions and flow. I know on the bottom you said this was short, but it would really help lengthening things out if you included a few transitions from one point of the chapter to another. I have to admit I was a little confused; I thought you had a really great moment set up where Remus was looking through the books and spots (I'm assuming) Emina's eyes. Maybe you could have her search a little more and him push more books around to keep a view of her, or talk about how they were both mumbling to themselves and Remus felt a connection.

I think you should work on that just a little, because I thought that moment had a huge amount of potential, and with a few tweaks it could be very meaningful, and very great with Remus' character development. I still can't grasp my thoughts around him. So far all I've seen of him is his nose buried in a book, so I'd like to see him expanded on.

If you added some more transitional sentences between Remus being in the library to the girls, or even at the very least a line break to change perspective it would help the reader follow perspective change a lot, in turn helping the flow. Though, I would suggest more than a line break. I sort of felt myself thinking Remus was watching their whole discussion because there really wasn't any transition.

In the formatting line, I like that you talk about Remus' thoughts about who she is and what's up with her, but the bolding is distracting. I think just italicizing is plenty enough to distinguish from prose and inner monologue. Very minor fix! :)

I'm very glad she isn't really dating Lucius! I am interested to see how you plan on expanding their - Lucius and Emina's - friendship through the Remus/Sirius triangle. I would also love to see more details about Emina. So, she's been a friend of Lucius all her life, so I'm going to guess she's a Pureblood, and their families know eachother? Maybe talk about what it's like to be a Pureblood Gryffindor that's friends with uppity families like the Malfoys. Now, this could just be me talking too early because I see you have plenty of other chapters posted, so these are all just things to keep in mind for this chapter!

I'm a bit wary of Lily so far. I'd love to see you expand on her character some more, being Emina's best friend. Right now she's just.. there, and that's about it. I'm not getting anything from her, if that makes sense? Try to incorporate some of the things from canon we know about her personality, and make her more than just a name.

You have a lot of potential and I am looking forward to see where you take things from here with the love triangle (or, square? I suppose I'll have to see :p ) Please don't let anything I've said become discouraging because that's defiantly not my intentions here. I hope this was helpful in the right places! Of course, feel free to re-request! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts on this chapter.

I'm actually in the process of finding a beta for this one (you wouldn't be interested would you??? If so, request so on the thread :)?)

I'm glad that you found that bookshelf scene between Emina and Remus to have potential and you are absolutely right! it does have potential. At the time i was writing this chapter, i had so many romantic moments set up for Remus and Emina that i had completely forgot all the other elements to the story. I became too focused on the main connections and getting all the scenes down on the screen.

Now that you've pointed it out, unfortunately, Lily and Lucius's characters were not as developed than I thought they were as i focused mainly on the love triangle. Although, now that I have a chance on getting back to it, I will probably have them developed better.

Thank you so much for your time in reading my material and for leaving a review. It is much appreciated ^_^ I think that I should have done this while i was working on the story; i didn't know how helpful it would be to have another set of eyes looking over my shoulder as I work and I admit, i was a little scared back then on allowing people to critique my work. THANK YOU!!!


 Report Review

Review #12, by EverDiggory Hogsmeade

27th June 2012:
O_o

My face^^when I read that Sirius and Remus are into the same girl. Gosh! Holy crap! Woah! Okay, now that I'm done just being flabbergasted, here it is!

Reader interest: Don't even worry about it! After that little bombshell right there...just wow. Now I absolutely have to know what happens next.

Plot: Very, very good! You've really pulled your readers in! I know I'm a bit addicted! I can;t wait to see how this unravels and ends!

Flow and Imagery I would work on though! They aren't awful, but could use some work. For the flow I would just recommend trying some transition sentences, and for the imagery I found it works best if you write everything like you normally would, get all your ideas and thoughts out, and not worry about imagery. But then when your done, just go back through and add it! It makes writing imagery a lot easier, and I think it would add a lot to your story!

Oh, and I very well know I have already discussed with you the...'thanx' but I mean...just...okay, you know what I'm going to say and I think I already chewed your butt about it enough! Just don't do it;P

xx

Ever

Author's Response: I'm glad that you like the plot! I was pulling this outta my head, super excited to get it all typed out and shared with the world lol

Sad to say, i didn't really take the time to edit this, which i really plan to do now considering that it has a good pull on the readers. Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story! I'll probably put this up for some beta- ing. Thanks again!!!


 Report Review

Review #13, by luciusobsessed Remus Lupin

26th June 2012:
AHHH! I'd have to say my favorite FAVORITE part of this chapter was the "Lucius and Narcissa snogging" reference. I love them to death! It was an excellent to introduction to how you left off in the last chapter!

I love Remus! I just love him! I love the characterization you give him and the dialogue you use for him. I love Lily too. She seems to be an amazing friend.

Keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this feedback! really makes me smile ^_^

Considering your pen name, i shall send a request to one of my newer fanfics that's Lucius based ^_^ Hope you like it :D


 Report Review

Review #14, by Ron 4 Hermione Complications

26th June 2012:
Oh wow!
-the story is amazing; the plot idea, the characters- its all amazing:D
-It flows amazing, like there is no random shifts in time or places!
-The characters's are just, well perfect- I think you've understood them perfectly!
An amazing story 10/10 :D keep writing!

Author's Response: Awesome! Thank you for the awesome feedback!!! I really appreciate it :D

 Report Review

Review #15, by EverDiggory Remus Lupin

25th June 2012:
It's Ever, here with your review!

Characterization: I feel like you really captured Remus just right! I think that was really nice! I would really like to know more about Emina and Lily! I suspect you're getting to it, but I suspect you're getting to it!

Flow: This is pretty good! The seems are smooth, for the most part! I would recommend just a few transition sentences though;P

Reader Interest: You're definitely peaking my interest with this whole Emina/Remus situation, and then James/Lily. I am really excited to see how...and if...a relationship will come about.

Grammar/Spelling/Misc. Errors: I only saw a few, but not enough to make me cringe!

Imagery: There was very, very little imagery/ I would strongly suggest adding some more scene description and whatnot;P

Feel free to rerequest!

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Ooh great! I'm excited for you to read on!!!
Thanks so much for your input!!!


 Report Review

Review #16, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Hazel Eyes

25th June 2012:
Hello! Dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap here with your requested review. So you wanted to know about plot, characterization, flow and overall interest. Let's get started.

Other than reading history books, Remus loves reading of fictional stories involving clever mysteries and extravagant action.

^ 'Of' makes no sense here.

Okay. Normally I do a running review but I read through this entire chapter and I just...I'm left feeling a bit...empty? I suppose that's the right word. Nothing really happened here. What was the point of talking about fiction books when it really had nothing to do with the story.

You jumped from Remus in the library, to seeing a pair of eyes, to Lily and her friend and then to Lily and her friend again. If you're going to switch it so much you're going to have to clean up your transitions or atleast use a line break so we know we're reading a new section. I had to keep doing a double take and reading some sentences over because I didn't realize fully that they were in a new place.

I can't comment on characterization too much because nothing really happened in this chapter, it was more of a filler but I think your characters need more depth. The girls came off as kind of airy to me. This is Lily Evans you're writing about, she was a smart and strong witch. Incorporate some of that into her character.

Also, the description. It was more dialogue once Remus got out of the library. The description was there in the beginning and kind of vanished towards the end. Take a breather, add in little things with the movement of their bodies and the room.

Overall interest? I'm not really interested but I think it's because nothing happened here. If you added something more, some more description and maybe another scene or expanded on your scenes and smoothed everything out I think you would definitely have something here.

I'm sorry if this review sounds harsh. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns.

- Deeds

Author's Response: I shall keep all of these in mind. thank you!

 Report Review

Review #17, by Moonyxluna First Night Back

24th June 2012:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :)

I love Remus/oc, fun fact; so needless to say I was excited when I saw you request this! I like to review as I read and hit the points you brought up in areas of concern so if anything sounds disheveled that's why. So here we go! :)

I was a little confused in the beginning by the first two lines being bolded right under the chapter title; I'm not sure if those were supposed to be dialogue or if it's part of the introduction, so if you edit, maybe clear that up?

One thing I noticed, if you were looking to expand on this I would add a little bit more to the introduction of James, Sirius and Remus on the train. It was a good start, but it was a few lines from each character and then it was over. It would help the reader get deeper into the story and start to figure out YOUR version of the Marauders if you held a longer conversation between the three. I hope that makes sense! It would help with the flow too, as you mentioned in your areas of concern. Watch your commas too; when you are editing try reading some of your passages aloud to yourself and take out those unnecessary commas when you don't find yourself naturally pausing.

I think James and Sirius seem really funny so far :) It's good to see them up to their pranking ways even if James is Head Boy now. I like that you have Remus as the calm one of the bunch, but where's Peter? I saw his name once in the beginning and once at the end; and that was pretty much it. As much as WE know what he did later he was still very much a part of the boys' lives before that, and I would have liked to see him contribute to the conversation a little more. I love how they ate themselves silly though; they were very adorable trying to breath from over-eating :p

I noticed a few times you go from having the boys call eachother their nicknames (Padfoot, Moony) back to them calling eachother James/Sirius/Remus; either way works, but if you go and edit keep that in mind as something to stay consistent :) When I see Marauders I always like to have them call eachother by their nicknames to eachother but when they're talking about eachother, say James/Sirius/Remus. Of course it's up to you, though!

I like how you characterized James and Sirius; I thought it was really sweet that Sirius really has a crush in Emina. It's a bit refreshing to see him actually pinning after a girl instead of the typical 'Sirius dates every girl that comes in Marauders a lot. One thing, though; since they've been in classes for seven years together, I thought it was a bit odd that Remus didn't know Emina's name. I think you got a really good grasp of Remus here; I liked how he sat on the sidelines and rolled his eyes at his friends as we knew him to do. Great work!

I didn't get much of the plot here, but since it's the first chapter it's not something to worry about. This was more an introduction of your OC and the rest of the characters than divulging into the plot, which is usually what a first chapter should be :)

Reader interest: I would read it! All of the things I pointed out, while it seems like a lot they are all very minor fixes and I think you have a lot of potential to tell a really great story here. Feel free to re-request, and I hope the things I pointed out were helpful, (and made sense :p) I enjoyed this :)

Author's Response: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW!!!

Just like the previous before yours, I will try my best to take in all these tips and POV's to better my stories ^_^


 Report Review

Review #18, by EverDiggory Hazel Eyes

23rd June 2012:
Here with your review!

Characterization: Hm...I'm kind of having mixed feelings on it. Its very...I don't know. Its decent, but I think your characters need more depth. Good lord, that sounds harsh, but I swear it isn't! I feel like we know them, but we don;t deeply know them. In order to really bring your characters across you have to push the reader directly to the characters...if you get what I'm saying? I need to understand the characters almost as much as I know myself.

Plot: I think this is really interesting! It's really captured me, and surely other readers! I'm really interested to see where you're taking this(:

Flow: This was pretty good! I think you smoothed the seems well, which is always good!

Grammar/Spelling: A few errors, but nothing major!

Hun, if theres anything i'm going to recommend its spell words properly. "Thankx?" "U'll"?

Why...just why would you do that? Let me tell you, we all use 'slang'. Mine is y'all. Or wanna. Or 'bout.

And I see you've use d'ya, and that is generally accepted. But there is nothing that drives away readers, especially ones on the forums, like "thankx".

It drives everybody crazy... I don't even want to come across as harsh, but please in the name of sanity, spell correctly. Please.

xx

Ever

Author's Response: Ok! I will keep those in mind! Thank you for taking the time to leaving a review for this chapter ^_^

 Report Review

Review #19, by Ron 4 Hermione First Night Back

23rd June 2012:
A good start- the marauders are interesting!
-The characterisation is good- I could imagine Sirius being all shy and not wanting to tell his friends about his love interest :)
-It flows nicely- you don't just skip to random parts!
A nice chapter 9/10

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a review. It is greatly appreciated and I will keep them in mind for my future chapters!

Thanks!


 Report Review

Review #20, by DracoFerret11 Remus Lupin

23rd June 2012:
Hi again! You only asked me to read the first three chapters, so I'm done after this review...so here it is:

Characterization: All right. We really have Emina and Lily in this chapter. As well as the Marauders on a lesser level. Emina isn't a Mary-Sue yet, but that could be because I haven't seen too much from her. I think you're doing well, all things considered. It was a little odd to me, though, that she's friends with Lily and she goes to Hogwarts, yet it seems she knows nothing about Remus and has never spoken to him...huh? It's just a little strange. Lily was pretty well done, though! And the Marauders...ehhh. I think you might be falling into the trap of making them TOO much of pranksters. And I think the pranks they're pulling are a little cruel. I can't imagine them putting boils on kids for fun. :/

Descriptions: You know my detail-rant. ;] This chapter was a little bit lacking in that department. I couldn't quite see all the action. :[

Emotions: Well, I like that Lily still seems upset with Lucius (I suppose we can ignore canon if you'd like, since he's so much older than them in the books). I think it's realistic for her to be annoyed that Lucius used her friend. And I liked that you mentioned that Remus was worried about his lycanthropy. That's really believable too.

Plot: Well, I'm still a bit confused as to why the Marauders don't seem to know who Emina is at all. That's a little odd. And it was totally weird when she followed Remus to the library. But I liked that you mentioned James asking Lily out (even though in canon he'd done that dozens of times). That really seemed to move the plot along for me.

Interactions: I liked how protective Lily was of Emina. I can imagine Lily being like that. :] And I liked that the Marauders teased Remus about being in the library (careful not to put him there TOO much...that might end up a bit ridiculous).

So! So far, so good! I think you have a firm grasp on what you're trying to write, so I think you'll do well. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I really appreciate your tips and outlook for the first three chapters. Although the other chapters for this story have already been approved and posted online, I will bear all these tips in mind and apply them on my future chapters.

I admit that I do not do enough research for my stories, as you can obviously tell. I didn't know that Lucius was 6 years older than the Marauders and Lily ^_^' So from now on, i'll do my best in researching for my story so it'll be much more like their original canons. I will also keep in mind to add more descriptive elements in the story. However, there's a matter of me getting too "wordy" when i try to become descriptive.

Thanks to you, now i see the different areas as to where i can improve. Hopefully, my writing improves!!! LOL

Thank you again! I appreciate the time and effort you put in my reviews!!!

Happy Writing!


 Report Review

Review #21, by DracoFerret11 Hazel Eyes

23rd June 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose again.

Characterization: Okay! So we've got Remus majorly in this chapter. I like that you've made him studious! That's very canon. I like it. And then we've got Emina. I'm watching out to make sure she doesn't become a Mary-Sue (since that's prone to happen with OCs), but so far, I haven't seen enough to judge.

Descriptions: Again with what I said in the last review about describing more details. I liked when you mentioned the view from the window, though. That was nice. :] And you really have a great opportunity to delve more into what Emina's eyes look like if you describe them better. ;]

Emotions: Well! Hm. I hope this isn't a "love at first sight" type thing, since that would be a little corny. So far, though, I'm not seeing a lot of emotions portrayed in the story...

Plot: Okay. So. We've got Remus studying in the library which makes sense. Then he's got some sort of fondness for fiction books (though that ended up NOT being important to the chapter?). And then he sees someone's eyes through the bookshelves and for some reason...really likes them? That was a little bit strange. Also, I like that you're creating intrigue with the girl behind the shelves researching Polyjuice Potion, but remember--the recipe for Polyjuice would NOT be in the main library. It would only be in the Restricted Section. And then the ending to the chapter, where Emina says that she and Lucius are just friends (still, he's six years older and VERY pureblood-maniacal...not sure if that friendship makes sense--how to you "grow up" with someone six years older than you? He'd be in school when she was five...). It sort of explained the part in the last chapter when we'd thought he was Emina's boyfriend, but it's still a little out-there for me.

Well! So far, the pacing is really working well. I'm interested to read more. Keep up the good work!

--Emily

 Report Review

Review #22, by DracoFerret11 First Night Back

23rd June 2012:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums here to review for you! :D So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: I noticed a few errors throughout the chapter, but nothing that was terribly glaring that I could remember. :] So, fairly well done on this front.

Characterization: Okay...here I wasn't too sure of things. I DID like how you've characterized Remus, though. I think you have him down pretty well. He seemed quite believable. Then we've got Sirius and James, though. I think you captured their pranking side well, but there are a few other things you may want to consider. It's mentioned in canon that James really grew up his seventh year when he became Head Boy. Maybe that's coming later in the story, but I can't really imagine that he would be thinking of pranking first years when he'd just been made a student leader. And at one point he says, "pish posh" or something like that. It was just...weird-sounding. Coming from James, at least. And Sirius is a little odd too. He's still witty and mischevious, but he almost seems...juvenile. I dunno. And then we've got Lily and Emina. I liked Lily quite a bit. I think you've got her down pretty well. Emina, I haven't seen too much of, but I'll have a note about her in the "plot" point down below. :]

Descriptions: Okay, here's where I love to rant. I always tell writers--if you want to really bring a reader into your story, you should consider the details you give them. Make it REAL. Tell them how things look, but not just that--how do they sound, smell, feel, etc. It will really help make things realistic.

Emotions: Hmm...well. I liked that James was fawning over Lily, but I'm SURE that his friends already knew about his crush, so it was weird hearing their surprise. And I like that Sirius has a real crush in this story! I get a little tired of the Sirius-playboy type stories.

Plot: All right! So. I think this is a good opening chapter. I think you've captured readers' attention quite well. The one thing that I'll mention plotwise that really didn't jive for me is the mention of Lucius Malfoy as Emina's boyfriend. If he's still in Hogwarts, that's not canon-compliant since he's like...six years older than them. Also, he wouldn't date a Gryffindor anyway. So...perhaps change who that is? I don't know. It's just not too believable. Other than that, great chapter!

Interactions: Okay...well. I liked the interaction between the Marauders. I think they're really cute. :] I'm interested to see where you take the relationship between Emina, Remus, and Sirius. As well as the Lily/James one. I'm sure it'll be great.

Well, so far, so good. I think you're doing a good job. I hope this wasn't too harsh! I'll review more soon.

--Emily

 Report Review

Review #23, by academica First Night Back

22nd June 2012:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review.

I think Remus is very interesting, and you've got an interesting setup with him and this girl who's dating Lucius Malfoy. It'll be neat to see the two of them get closer and see how Sirius handles it all. I think you've done a pretty good job of characterizing everyone else so far, though I obviously haven't gotten to know them well.

I do think this story could benefit from another pair of eyes, and so I would suggest looking into getting a beta reader from the forums. I see several places where commas are used incorrectly (or not used when they should be). I also think that the dialogue sounds a little bit stiff, almost like it was coming from someone very proper and concerned with using formal English. If you think about how you talk to people in conversation, it can sometimes help you write dialogue more naturally.

The flow of this is okay right now, but I would be careful not to make the whole story too dominated by drama, or else it might become a little disjointed (like you're leaping from crisis to crisis). I also think you've done a good job of generating reader interest with the Remus-Emina-Sirius love triangle. Just be careful not to fall into too many cliches as you go on - ideally, James and Lily will not be fighting every time they see each other, and the Marauders will only prank people so often. Right now, though, this is a good start.

Good work! I hope this review is helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'll keep all the tips in minds. As for getting a beta reader, I have been considering looking for one. It's just the time required for making all the editing and such!

Thank you so much!


 Report Review

Review #24, by luciusobsessed Hazel Eyes

22nd June 2012:
Reading about Lily put a smile on my face. She's one of my favorite characters and it always makes my day reading about her because she's such a bright person! You do an excellent job of portraying her. That really stuck out to me in this chapter. Great job again with the description and flow. Your writing is improving with each coming chapter. Keep it up! :)

Author's Response: thank you so much for your positive review! I shall re- request soon!

 Report Review

Review #25, by luciusobsessed First Night Back

22nd June 2012:
Very interesting chapter! I've always loved the Marauders, especially James and Sirius! You also do a very great job at describing Remus and portraying his disposition as canon. I like your description and flow. Only a few grammatical errors, but they can be fixed easily. Looking forward to your next chapter :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>