very nice. i like gideon and fabian stories. Author's Response: same here! they're so hard to come by. Thanks! Report Review
hey, harrylilyjames from the forums here,
I liked this story, but there were a couple of things that i noticed.
When someone is talking like--Just another surveillance thing for Fabian and I, said Gideon - should really be "Just another thing Fabian and I," said Gideon. Do this for every time someone talks and make it into a new paragraph if its someone different than the person who talked before hand.
Put more detail into it, it will make the reader want to read more and it will flow easier, i.e> Gideon and Fabian walked onto a dock that let the stand over the water- Gideon and Fabian walked side-by-side onto the small wooden dock, which jutted out slightly over the sparkling dark water.
There was a couple of grammatical and typo mistakes- They died heroes- They died as heroes.
And one last thing, It would be easier to read if you spaced it out more.
but it was a nice story, and i think this is my first Fabian/Gideon fic to read and i really liked it.
7/10- really good job. =) Report Review
wow. i dont know what to say, really. besides, of course, that this made me cry...a lot. :O
you've done an excellent job in describing everything and the only thing i'd reccomend is to make the paragraphs shorter, but dont get me wrong, THIS STORY WAS FABULOUS! very very well done!
my favorite paragraph was: "Molly Weasley was gently told the news by Albus Dumbledore later that night. She cried. She yelled. She yelled at Gideon, who promised to be there for her always. She yelled at Fabian who never said goodbye. She yelled at the world’s injustice. She yelled for the sake of yelling. Soon her yelling ended and she collapsed in tears. They were her big brothers…they were supposed to be there for her, they were supposed to protect her. But life doesn’t work like that. Life’s just not fair. Life is harsh. Life takes away what we hold dearest to remind us what we take for granted. The world was reminded that when Gideon and Fabian Prewett died."
ah i simply adored that! your sentences were so well chosen! EXCELLENT JOB! thanks for making me cry. :P
xx nora.Author's Response: First, thank you for the review. You don't know how happy the review made me: I've had this story up since July 17th and I finally got my first review on it. I really liked writing it so I'm glad to get some feedback.
I'll work on the paragraphs bit. My paragraphs started out too small at first, when I began writing fan fic and I may have had a review telling me to write more so I try to and some times it goes into overload.
I am sorry I made you cry but I'm not even going to lie, I was glad I made someone cry. I made myself cry when I was writing this and I hoped I wasn't the only one. Also, I think you must agree as you write your own stories that you like to hear you've made someone really feel the pain your characters do.
Thank you so much! I loved that paragraph to! I got the line : "Life takes away what we hold dearest to remind us what we take for granted" from a tv show but I kinda played with it. You're welcome, I guess! :P
-Moe Report Review
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