Reading Reviews for Seven Sins of Death
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Fallstar Gluttony

25th January 2008:
You completely skip the description of the food and drink that is consumed. There are four forms of glutton.
The undereater who does not care what he eats (not Ron)
The undereater who cares about what he eats (not Ron)
The overeater who does not care what he eats (not Ron)
The overeater who cares about what he eats (Ron)

You should have given the descriptions of the food and the way it was enjoyed(connecting it to his emotions for Hermione or whatever else.) Food of a glutton ought to be described in as perverse detail as a sex scene in a Bodice Ripper.

Nice job at killing and showing the uncaring nature of Ron.
7/10

Author's Response: I put in the description of gluttony in the beginning to explain that gluttony does not nessicarilly ential only food. It can be the over endulgence of any one thing- hence the drinking. He was a glutton for alcohol.
Thank you for reviewing.


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Review #2, by Weasley twins rock Gluttony

19th December 2007:
I think that one word you could use to sum up this chapter is 'emotive'. You really have captured the grieving and what emotional effects it has upon Ron. I often get tired of reading Ron abusing alcohol, he seems to be a character that many people choose to make an alcoholic. And I will admit that at the very beginning I did roll my eyes at your character choice, but in fact you did do it very well indeed. You make it seem more real, you indicate that it is more of a consequence, than something he developed by chance.

As for what your concerns were. I can understand why someone might say that you have overdone the description and therefore stalled the story. However I don't think it is anything to worry about, the level of description is fine, I think. However I do think that the story is pretty slow, to imrpove it I personally would perhaps hint a little more to the circumstance of her death, and perhaps more of the anger towards Harry. You have shown that he gets quite angry when drunk, Ron is hot-headed when sobre after all, to have that anger directed towards Harry at certain prompts would perhaps break it up a little, instead of the drinking, thinking, drinking, thinking loop that seemed to go on a little too long.

Over all a very good story, which I think has a little room for imrpovement, as all stories do. I did notice a couple of spelling mistakes and I think an instance where you should have a gap between the trails of thought between Ron and Hermione. I had to read that part several times, to understand who was thinking what. One spelling mistake is that you put 'grim' instead of 'grime' at the very beginning, I think there are a couple more, but I can't find them again.

Well done :)

Author's Response: Thank you

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Review #3, by JLHufflepuff Gluttony

17th December 2007:
I've seen a few stories dealing with the seven deadly sins, and most of them deal with really evil people committing them. I have no problem with that, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a canon character being dealt with for this. I think you realistically portrayed how someone would act after losing the one they loved, especially if they decided to drown their sorrows with alcohol. I'm really interested to see more of this storyline. I hope you have one unified story throughout the list of sins. I'm favoriting your story because I want to see what happens next.

Author's Response: Yes I do like the canon characters for this too. I've actually decided to take all canon characters instead of creating any OCs. It will be interesting....
As for the unified story- I hadn't actually thought of that. I was originally going to just do a bunch of one-shots but I could possibly do one story and inlude all the sins.
So happy you enjoyed it and extatic you'll look back for updates.
Katie


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Review #4, by inabena57 Gluttony

15th December 2007:
Firstly I want to comment on what you think may be a problem.

The descrition, is great. I, personally, love seeing the perfect balance of description in a story [it's one of my pet peeves if it isn't decriptive enough].

In you story there is enough to be able to put the feelings, atmosphere, environment, into play in your mind. You can visualize while you read, which always helps you get a better understanding of a fic.

The only part that I am concerned about when it comes to the description is here:

It took only a few minutes to find the grave and upon reaching it, Ron lost any self-control he still held to.

You don't really go into detail before, that he is going to react like this [I know that he is love with Hermione and that is obvious in the beginning but there is still not a at least a slight warning, it was abrupt and happened a tad to fast for me.]

For the flow of the story, it flowed smoothly and the words work together nicely. Like I said above you can really visualize it. It is well written and you describe the dark side of Ron extremely well. You show why he is the way he is and how that came to be, giving just enough detail.

There was a slight capitalization slip that caught my eye. In this sentence: Hey.” Was the only mumbled reply as the ginger-haired man took his customary...
The 'w' really shouldn't be capitalized. I know it's miniscule but it's one of my pet peeves.

Alos I liked the definition of Gluttony in the beginning, but a suggest, maybe to put a line break between it and the story, or something dividing it.

The description is great, as is the flow, the character development is amazing. The first sentence really intrigued me and got me interested in the story. There are only a few things here and there that can be checked over [capitalization, punctuation...].

9/10 Lovely chapter, I'll be reviewing the others when they come.

>Angelina

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much for such a thorough review! These are the kind that make me feel all fuzzy inside.

Yes, I think that that has been what was bothering me and I never was able to place it. The abruptness felt a little strange, and I never actually liked that little section in the chapter...

I'll be sure to fix the capitalation error you pointed out, and possibly put a divider between the deffinition of Gluttony and the story.

I'm so happy that you were such a good reviewer, and I think I'll head over to your stories....

Katie


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Review #5, by _Kreacher_ Gluttony

19th August 2007:
Wooow :-O
This is/couldbe/willbe fantastic. Looked on the slytherin review circle for a good read, looks like i found it! Keep going! =)

Author's Response: Thanks a ton! It seems this story is getting quite a few reveiws lately. I'm glad that the Slytherin Review Circle works!

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Review #6, by onceuponatime2 Gluttony

19th August 2007:
Well, I liked it. i can't wait for the rest. I think thgat you might need a beta, though. I saw a few mistakes. But other than that, I think that this is a really great start to a story that has the potential to be awesome.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! All of a sudden this story seems to be getting quite a lot of reveiws....

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Review #7, by Iagan Gluttony

15th August 2007:
Great start but hurry up with the other sins as i can not wait.

Author's Response: Thank you.

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Review #8, by mischiefmanaged Gluttony

11th August 2007:
First of all, I liked how you added the definition of gluttony at the beginning of the story. It explained things a bit later in the story. I just have one suggestion about it. I think that you should probably separate it from the story a bit more, either have more spacing between it and the first line or use a horizontal rule. Here is the page that explains the usage of the horizontal rule:

http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/getinfo.php?page=simpleformatting

I like your characterization of Ron. It shows the other, darker side of him which has been caused by Hermione's death. I also like how you avoided the cliche of Harry dying and people kill themselves because they can't deal with the grief. Basically by ignoring that cliche, you have given this idea your own twist and made it more interesting.

I found two small typos. This line "Hey." Was the only mumbled reply as the ginger-haired man took his customary seat at bar and nodded toward the bartender. Well it seems a bit... odd at the beginning. Maybe try this? "Hey," was the only mumbled reply as the ginger-haired man took his customary seat at the bar and nodded toward the bartender. I'm not too sure about that though, maybe you could get someone to read over that bit with you.

I think that the bartender's name in your story is Harold, but you used Herald in one sentence. I was a little confused about that, so you should correct it soon.

You did a good job on the description throughout the story. I like the first line of the story, it makes me wonder what's going on in the story. I could also imagine the bar in my mind when I read the fifth paragraph.

This was a really well written story, with only maybe two small things to correct. Other than that, it was a very enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you for such a long and detailed review. It's refreshing from the usual one-liner reviews. I'll be sure to check out the two different things that you pointed out. I do believe you are correct about the sentence structure and I'll try and find and correct the name of the bartender.
Thank yo for the compliment on the descriptions. I usually focus on characters but I'm going to try and focus more on the descriptions in this series.
I appreciate this and I thank you again!
Katie


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Review #9, by Ginnikins Gluttony

8th August 2007:
This is a wonderful story! You have a great writing style and I think you used gluttony very well. Is this for a challenge because I saw a seven deadly sins challenge somewhere in the forums. If it's not I think you should enter it because this truely is a great piece of work.

Author's Response: Yes, this peice was inspired by that challenge. I've entered it and thank you for thinking it such a great story. I worked particularly hard on it because I knew it could be pretty good. I'm glad you think it is.

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Review #10, by lia_2390 Gluttony

16th July 2007:
This was extremely dark and angsty, I've never seen Ron written like this before, he has gotten self destructive, just because of Hermione's death. At first, I didn't quite understand what this has to do with gluttony, but now I do. It's quite mysterious as well...I'm wondering how Hermione died, if she managed to pick out where she wanted to be buried. I like your description here as well. I especially liked this line -No one else would be able to say that in a single breath without confusing themselves....I thought it was funny. I was going to review this last night, but, the electricity went out while I was in the middle of reading it.

Good Job though! =]
Lia

Author's Response: Thank you. I always thought of Ron be an unstable character and if they both voiced their feelings but then Hermione died I would think he'd get very down.
As for the how she died I created it as though it were a sort of illness caused by a spell but it affected her differently because she was muggle-born. That way it worked slowly but still quick enough.
I tried to tie in a little dark funniness there so I'm glad that made you laugh!
Thank you again!
Dedikated


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Review #11, by dragonlovesh2o4eva Gluttony

15th July 2007:
hey!

you're right, it's not the traditional gluttony, but the statement at the start did make things clear. I thought it was really well written actually, a great plot, no spelling errors that i could see. All in all, i think you did a really good job.

I do think that hermiones thought's should be in italics, i just think it will make it easier to read. other then that i thought the layout was fine.

To improve it, i think you need to change the summary a bit. i found it a bit confusing. Also i think a banner would help. Would you like me to make a banner for you? If you do just PM me on my forum account and we will discuss the details.

I thought you did a really good job hun. i think i'll add to my fav's so i can keep up with the story. i'm really looking forward to seeing what you've come up with for the other sin's!

9/10

Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, I did notice about the thoughts. Thanks for pointing that out because I guess when I transfered it from Word to the edit box the italics got left out. I also fixed some of the other layout issues.
I'll PM you about the banner because I think you could make a great banner!


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