I REALLY LIKED YOUR STORY! My friend recommended your stories to me. SHE LOVES THEM!! If you could take a few seconds to read her stories as well, please do! she really wants some reviews and she only has two and they are both from friends and she would like your opinion on them. her name is rachel evans potter, and she's a huge fan of yours and would really appreciate a review especially from you. The same thing applies for me, thanks for listening. KEEP WRITING!!! Report Review
Ah I love it!
I love the way you write.
And Snape. Ah you paint such a picture here.
Fantastic, look forward to more !
x Report Review
Ah! So Narcissa loves Severus. That makes sense. Good chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much :D Report Review
I liked how you introduced the story and Snape's view on everything. I also like how you portray that he's very, well, proud that he's half-blood. Well, he's not ashamed of it. It makes sense with him calling himself 'Half Blood Prince' as well all know will happen.
Good chappie! Report Review
Aw, this made me feel so bad for Snape! He's one of my favorite characters and I really enjoyed this! Just make sure to proofread because there were a few grammar mistakes. Nothing to be very concerned about, but nonetheless, no grammar mistakes > some grammar mistakes. Author's Response: I will make sure to look after grammar mistakes in the future. But alas, English is my second-language so it's not always that the grammar sticks to my mind. This is because Danish grammar and English is very different from each other :) Report Review
is there more coming?Author's Response: Of course, chapter 3 is in valiation :] Report Review
* The timings off. According to the HP Lexicon, Narcissa is a few years ahead of Severus. She would no longer be in school, but this is a fairly common mistake and there’s nothing you can do to change it now, so, just leave it.
* Even though this chapter is rather short, I begin to get interested in Dionelle, because she looks to be the basis of an interesting character.
* Dionelle is such a unique. Thanks for choosing something like Emma or Sandy, something we see a thousand times. I quite like it when the names aren’t incredibly and annoyingly common.
* All and all, this chapter is a lot better than the first.
7/10Author's Response: I must say that I made Narcissa fanon on purpose, because I have always liked the theory about Narcissa and Snape having feelings for each other interesting :}
As for your liking to Dionelle, the name is actually a creation of mine from one of my own stories :] Report Review
Alright, first off, I thank you for requesting a review for a story that actually had Snape in it. I might have gone bonkers if I read too many more Ron/Hermione’s and Harry/Ginny, but this is actually the first Snape/OC that I have ever read, so it’s a bit of new territory. Secondly, as I do in most every review, I’ll point out the things you did well and the things that could have been better -- aka the things you need to work on. I always start with the bad news, so I can finish with the good.
* The first few paragraphs were hard for me to understand. Something about the way they were worded was confusing and unclear and there was no good flow to it. Since this is the very beginning it’s important that the first few paragraphs grip the reader. Paragraphs like that can turn the reader off.
* It confused me about his friends leaving Snape because Narcissa was no longer his friend. It doesn’t seem logical that they would do that, unless they were never his friends and only Narcissa’s friends and just hung around Severus because Narcissa did. But Severus would have known that and would have thought it. I think the bottom line is, that you never explained why this happened, and that’s nearly as important as telling that it happened.
* Through the paragraphs about him thinking of his friends leaving and the Marauders, you make him seem like he’s whining and complaining about it. I know you don’t mean to and you tried to avoid it by saying he didn’t care, but something about the mood really just makes it seem that way. I think it should have been a bit more savage apathy truthfully though--something along the lines of: “I seriously don’t care what those arrogant gits do to me. Their a waste of precious oxygen anyway.” -- something like that.
* Severus is OOC. You make him full of himself, conceited, arrogant, and he’s not. He’s very levelheaded and he wouldn’t go around thinking he’s better than anyone. Instead, he’d prove it, in his actions, in his better grades. Severus made me angry in the way he was so evil and purposefully cruel. I don’t think he would plot revenge to be spiteful. Only want to get them back because
* I like how you put the thing in about Advanced Potions. It really connections it with canon, and gives the story a sense of reality. And I can see Snape going off on his own just to study potions.
* Narcissa is acting fairly true to character.
It’s a bit of a rough beginning, with some things that desperately need to be smoothed out, but all in all, I give you a 6/10 Report Review
Of course, I’m reviewing again. ^^
It’s nice chapter, yes, but… it’s too short. Events aren’t necessary, of course, but Dionelle’s thoughts then could be longer. I hope that 3rd chapter will be at least twice times longer. Actually you could put 1st and 2nd together as one chapter.
About Dionelle I can’t say anything bad or good, because she was talking about Snape and Narcissa, but I could like her, she seems odd a bit, maybe she could get together with Snape :P And I fell sorry for Narcissa, I know her attitude to Snape is evil, but I can understand her, poor purebloods and their “good and famous family” living style.
Grammar and style is fine again, and as I said, I love stories with more text and less dialogues. Text makes characters more individual and helps to understand their thoughts. Of course, dialogues too, but still… ^^
I don’t understand some facts about Evan Rosie; I thought that his wife name is Druella. *searches for information* Oh, sorry, my mistake. “As the maiden name of the mother of Bellatrix Lestrange, Andromeda Tonks, and Narcissa Malfoy was Druella Rosier, it is possible that Evan Rosier is a relative, most likely their cousin.” I new that I have read somewhere about Druella. As I said Marauder era and Slytherins are my favourite themes, so I know about them a lot.
8 or 9/10 (hard to decide, because chapter was short) and all my wishes that you will continue. Good luck!
P.S. I wasn’t helpful. Sorry. *bites her lip* Report Review
Marauder era! *happy dance*
Must do some work here (I’m talking about me, of course)… I write and read at the same time almost always, so this review could be strange, sorry, ok?
Vivi’s banner is beautiful, I like Snape’s picture. Talking about banners isn’t helpful, but I use to say something, because I think that banner is like trademark, good banner makes think that story is good too. Funny, but that’s how it is.
“Lucius/Narcissa, Snape/OC”. Oh my, this could be great. Slytherin fics are my favorites. I don’t know why but there aren’t a lot of them, so this makes your story interesting.
Now I’ll shut up and read.
I’m reading and wondering whom belongs those thoughts. Is it Snape? “single half-blood males” makes me think that it’s Snape, but I’m not sure. If only it’s not your point (attract attention), you could write that it’s “Snape POV” or something like that.
Draught of Living Death Report Review
Harlo deary! I've come to leave my review... :D
This is a very interesting story so far. I like how yu address the different pureblood issues, namely that of arranged marriages. I think you represent the pureblood daughters well. Sirius Black proved that if you're not what your pureblood family expected and wanted, you're pretty much out. So, you're doing a fine job of making them obedient, even if they're really cracking up on the inside. Poor Narcissa.
I read about that girl marrying her second cousin, and I cringed. It's because I thought of my second cousin and what would happen if I was forced to marry him. He doesn't speak...ever. It's not that he can't speak, it's just that he chooses not to. It's rather bizarre if you want to know the truth. lol.
There were a couple of places where you could have used different and better words. Like..."but then he doesn’t use it to his advance, what a shame." I think for, er, flowing purposes, it would have worked better if you had used 'advantage' instead of 'advance'. It just reads better to me. I would suggest another read through to catch other little places like that. Just make sure everything is just the way you want it. :)
Overall lovely job sweetie! I enjoyed it! :)
I sense there may be a crush on Severus here.
Good chapter. I liked it very much.
There were a couple of spelling mistakes. Nothing major though.
Author's Response: I'll find the spelling mistakes and correct them, thank you so much for your reviews. Report Review
This is certainly a different outlook on Severus. I always imagined him being friends with Lucius and Narcissa, but here you have it where they aren't friends. Nice touch I think.
Good start. Looks to be a promising story.
No grammatical or spelling errors as far as I can tell.Author's Response: I'm glad that it surprised you in a good way! :D Report Review
wow this is really good. please continue this! it was trully awsome!!! Report Review
Hum, I like Dionelle, she seems to be more down to earth then the other girls. Maybe soon she will speak with Severus, she gives off the vibe of a person to go agianst the 'ring leader'. Anyways, update soon :].
AlexAuthor's Response: Dionelle is a very dear person to me. She is much like a girl I once knew, but the realisation that she was came to me much later :} She rocks :b Report Review
I think ths story will tuen out to be very interesting. Can't wait for an update! Report Review
I like this Snape POV. Is the rest of the story that way?
Anyways, I like this start. It's belileveable, and Snape is kept well in character. I love the explaination to the Potion clockwise stir, and I see the obsession forming with the dark arts. I hope you do update soon. :p
Alex (yes I'm a girl)Author's Response: It's going to switch between Snape and the female character Dionelle :D Report Review
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