Reading Reviews for Beautiful liar
  
12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by _xDraco Beautiful liar

19th March 2010:
I like the idea that Draco thinks he can date two girls at once. That's definitely something he'd feel he could do.

I absolutely loved the opening description of him, and the part that described what he wants in a girlfriend was amazing and very well written. So well done there. :)

However, once the two girls met I felt that you began to rush your writing slightly. I got the feeling that you were so excited to get to the 'plan' that the two girls conjured, that you didn't think so deeply about what you were writing.

There were a few minor typos, such as 'Pansy had never know that Catherine could be so wild and sly'. It should be 'Pansy had never known' or 'Pansy didn't know that'. The only other main thing is that when a new person talks, you should drop a line.

For instance; 'I'm so sorry Pansy' Catherine said. 'Why? You shouldn't be sorry, I'm sorry!' Pansy replied'

should be-

'I'm so sorry Pansy' Catherine said.
'Why? You shouldn't be sorry, I'm sorry!' Pansy replied

It just makes the large area of speaking easier to read.

Having said all that, overall I really enjoyed the story. I think that if you took the time to go back and re-work a few parts it could be even better. :)

Well done,
_xDraco.

 Report Review

Review #2, by Missy Beautiful liar

25th November 2007:
Love the usage of the word arse!! I was kinda expecting more though. Like something to do with a cat fight or something.

Author's Response: Yeah I know. This fic is kind of hasty. It didn't really end up the way I wanted to...

Thanks for the review anyways,
Elven


 Report Review

Review #3, by Vera_Black_Potter Beautiful liar

1st July 2007:
Yay! I liked it a lot!! 10/10

~Vera

Author's Response: Thanks.
I'm glad you liked it!

Elven


 Report Review

Review #4, by ChizzaLazty Beautiful liar

5th June 2007:
This was a wonderful little song-fic. Well, not exactly little, it was as long as it needed to be. Could've been a bit longer if you'd explained a bit more about the two girls' relationship and maybe used a bit more time on the actual humiliation-scene, but in all it was pretty good.

What I noticed was that I think you need to work on punctuation, commas and question-marks in general. It was a bit confusing at times... Also, whenever one of the characters have said something, you should start a new paragraph before the next one says something. That way it won't be too confusing to read, it'll be easier to know who's talking.

On the good side, I really like the idea of it all. I was immediately drawn to it, the summary was very good! The story was funny, but I think it would've been even more funny if you'd included more of/explained more about the humiliation-scene (like I said earlier).

The "memory-shower" seemed a bit weird. There are two things here that I'd like to say something about. The first is that it seems a bit weird that they have one. I mean, sure they're rich and powerful and stuff, but it's sort of Dumbledore's thing. I think it would be more realistic, and certainly far more interesting, if Pansy had shown her in real life, lured Draco to kiss her while Catherine was watching from a dark corner or something.

The other thing is that I thought the name she came up with for it was pretty weird. I mean, I think most people realize it's a Pensieve, and I can see the point in that she can't remember the name, but I think it would be better if you could somehow include the name of it. For example, Pansy could say the name and Catherine remembered that way.

I hope I don't come off as too negative here, and that I come off as if I didn't like it, because that's not the case at all. I really liked it, I loved the whole kick-Draco's-arse-thing. I also liked the way you sort of kept him in character. Even though he had a very small part in this, it seemed real, like something he could do. There are some loopholes, like for example, what would he do if they both wanted to come to the ball? And what about breakfast? He's sitting at the same table as Pansy, and he can't just ignore her, can he? But Catherine would've seen them, wouldn't she?

And the fact that Dumbledore announced that there'd be a ball that very day was sort of clichè - and also, you could've described a bit more about how the Great Hall looked when Catherine came down towards it when it was all nicely decorated.

(I'm sorry, I'm on a roll here. I write about every little thing, I hope you don't take it the wrong way).

Anyway, that's about what I had to say - but I also want to add some more positive stuff, like for example that your spelling and grammar (except the punctuation) is very good, and that the lyrics fit very nicely to the story. I'm not sure I liked the title in itself, but it certainly fit the story, so I like it for that.

Good luck with any story you're planning to write / writing at the moment. I really did enjoy your story, it was great!

Christina

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
Now that was a large review!!!
Now that's a first, I get to here the grammar is good.
Hah! I can't believe it!!!

Thanks for reviewing,

Elven


 Report Review

Review #5, by pigwidgeon385 Beautiful liar

24th May 2007:
Minor mistakes:

♥In the third paragraph you wrote "powerfull." Only one l!
♥In that same paragraph you types "2." Most writers would agree that is unprofessional: try "two."
♥Same paragraph: you wrote "shot" instead off "shut."
♥Same paragraph: "It was so easy to him. " - - that doesn't make sense.

Okay, that's all I'm going to pick out - I would HIGHLY recommend you get a beta. It may be hard for the reader to enjoy this story with all those mistakes.

The plot itself is okay; but the song choice was a bit weird. I find that whenever a songfic's lyrics need changing to fit a story, that it shouldn't be done.

The writing is a little iffy - doesn't flow as well as it should. You have very nice descriptions, however. :)

With a bit of work, this could be a good fic. I'm not trying to flame your story - I appreciate the effort it took to writer this: I'm just trying to help! :) So, nice work - I hope I helped. :)

Author's Response: Okay, I know I need a beta, it's just hard to find one!
;)

Thanks for the review, Elven


 Report Review

Review #6, by NICE Beautiful liar

21st May 2007:
It Was an awesome story hope u keep writting

Author's Response: Thanks!

Elven


 Report Review

Review #7, by musicgirlhp14 Beautiful liar

21st May 2007:
This story has really good detail, and I like the plot. I think one thing that might help you is if you follow the rule that you start a new paragragh after a new person speaks. That allows the reader to realize that it's someone else speaking, and they won't get confused. Good plot. Good writing. Good song ;)
~Alex

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
Yep, I'll update the story with the paragraphs changed soon.

Elven


 Report Review

Review #8, by lolhee Beautiful liar

20th May 2007:
This was very good, the description was wonderufl, and you really seemed to get into Pansys character making the story wonderful. I loved the plot, and you did a wicked job with it. way to go.

Author's Response: Thanks!!!

Elvengirl


 Report Review

Review #9, by draco_zelda Beautiful liar

19th May 2007:
that was great (its shecka from the boards) I really liked it
haha Draco got caught

Author's Response: Thanks shecka!!!

Elvengirl


 Report Review

Review #10, by Vatina Beautiful liar

19th May 2007:
I love that song, just had to read this. The grammar/spelling quality could be better, but it was good. =)

Author's Response: Thanks.
I know the grammar.

Elvengirl


 Report Review

Review #11, by dracoslover1 Beautiful liar

19th May 2007:
Good start you have here.

There were some grammatical and spelling errors that you have in this piece (mostly in the beginning and at the end).

Also, some parts were rushed in the story. i think you would be ok if you expanded some parts and put more descipitions into this story.

Other then that, this is pretty good.

Author's Response: Thanks, again my grammar.
And again the lame excuse:
I'm great at pointing out others mistakes but I'm not that mighty in finding my own.

Elvengirl


 Report Review

Review #12, by Dark_One Beautiful liar

19th May 2007:
Short and Sweet I think you have really nailed the song fic type. Although, I would have loved to have seen a bit more description on the feeling and the events. Such as when you said: “She had seen Draco kissing Pansy and holding hands with Pansy.” I would have liked to have seen a bit more emotion behind it like: “Catherine was screaming inside, her heart was torn in two as she had watched Pansy and Draco passionately kiss and being the couple that Draco had always been with her.” Or something along those lines, but besides that I loved this One-shot and loved the OC that you created! 9/10

Author's Response: Thanks for the review.

Elvengirl


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login