Interesting, can't wait to see where this goes. Though you spelled Lily with two l's in your chapter summary (sorry, huge pet peeve of mine, not even sure why) Report Review
Hello! Decided to just review the third chapter.
I think you have a really interesting idea for a plot. I like the idea of this "trip" and of Lily learning the dark arts, but I must admit that I'm also very confused about the whole thing. Why aren't Snape and Lily friends? Why is Lily agreeing to this? Why didn't Lily hate James before this? I hate to sound harsh or rude, but Lily just doesn't seem in character to me. That being said, you do have a great idea for this, and I think you can definitely make it work with a bit of effort.
I have a few suggestions for you-
1. Betas are life saving. I would not be this far on my novel length story without my amazing beta. Not only are they great for picking out mistakes, but they're great for helping out with flow and such. I would definitely encourage you to get one.
2.I'd rework parts of the beginning. Maybe add a little more info as to what's happening where so it's not as fast paced, which is what makes it confusing.
I hope that wasn't too harsh! This story has SO MUCH potential, and I'd hate to see that go to waste. You really do have a great idea, and with just a little reworking, you can attain excellence with this. Just keep writing and I know you can get there :) One of the best Marauder plots I;ve ever seen. Truly.
-Naida Report Review
I enjoy the Bad Lily, she has some substance. :]
Pretty good discriptions, all in all pretty good job.
AlexAuthor's Response: Thank you very much Report Review
So I take it we are getting ready to see the dark side of Lily Evans? I think that is an interesting new route for her and am looking forward to reading on and seeing how that plays out. Regretfully I haven't read all to many 'Bad Girl' Lily's so this is rather intriguing.
I like how you opened this, with the letter to the reader. Sort of like what Lemoney Snicket (Is that spelt right?) Does for the Series of Unfortunate Events. The narrator speaks first.
I enjoyed the fact that you left the letter to go back and show what had happened to Lily to start it all. Good job.
I think you could do with a little more discription, and breaking up the dialouge makes it easier on the reader to enjoy this. All in all I didn't have to much trouble with this.
Other than that, great start!
AlexAuthor's Response: Thank you very much. I\\\'m glad that you enjoyed the opening so much. I have been planning to expand this chapter for ages and I\\\'ll definatly use your critic in it\\\'s development. Report Review
I'll say first that I have enjoyed your story so far, and am intrigued as to where you are headed with this.
With that said, I've noticed more than a few typos and words that though spelled correctly are not the proper words. (e.g-Lily had always left that he was after her. I believe you meant Lily Felt.)Author's Response: oops, I really need to get someone to spot those for me, lol. Thanks for the review though!! Much appriciated! Report Review
"After 20 minutes of lecturing and glares from..." should be "After twenty minutes of lecturing and glares from..."
Again, the chapter is very good and you have inserted something in there that I could not tell that made the chapter different. It might be just me, but I think this is the best chapter. Your writing style is brilliant, but there is room for improvement. I have a suggestion, maybe it is just me, but go to the WR archive and fill out the sheet in the OC workshop about Lily. I know Lily is not an OC, but it helps if you do one of them on her since the her character is this story is different from what I imagine in canon.
10/10, Silver Slipper
~KellyAuthor's Response: 3 reviews! Thank so very much for you time and effort, I think I will have to find that sheet now. You have also put ideas into my head, lol. Again, thanks so very much! Report Review
As I said in the previous review, this is a story that possesses a lot of unique techniques and style. I particularly love your sentence structure. This story, like you title said, describes a different side of Lily, the dark one. I've always imagined Lily as being gentle and mature. No, there is nothing wrong with your characterisation, nor there is anything wrong with your whole story, it is the creativity of yours. I had written a story where Lily turned out to be different, jealous at someone else, and people always reviewed it saying that it had a poor characterisation of Lily, but that was how the story goes. I am not saying that Lily in your story is perfect, it is a bit um...How do I put it, it is a bit 'unimaginable' to hear Lily said 'chill out'.
Keep up the good work, 9/10.
~KellyAuthor's Response: lol, thanks for your honesty, that is the one thing that I need to improve my stories! I think that really I'm trying to create my own Edmond (From Shakespeares Kind Lear). So I will have to work on her being perfect on the surface, but evil underneath! Report Review
This is well written, I love your descriptions and you described Lily's feeling extremely well. You're a talented writer, you have an unique style of writing, your own format and things felt different under your pen. There I am, typing this review, and I'm replaying the perfectly described scene of what I read, I could imagine how I could had written it, dull and less stylish. This is a technique that not a lot of people possess, not even the writer of some of the best stories I have read.
My apologies for the late review.
9/10 Silver SlipperAuthor's Response: wow, thank you so very much. I didn't even think this chapter was that good. Thank you, you have really made my day! Report Review
Update as soon as possible! Love it, it's grown on meAuthor's Response: thanks Report Review
propped by the elbows... i think their is what you mean instead of the. she watched as the stalked... the should probably be they. the chance may have had to be powerful... in between chance and may there should be a she.
okay, i'm going to pm you now. i so wanna beta this!!! 10/10, cause i love cliffies!Author's Response: cool!! yay! I have a beta! lol, I shall go and check for a pm now, lol Report Review
Lily tried to look as innocent as possible in the hope that he could get Snape. he should be she, i think. to just hex everyone were far... were should be was.
is she in fourth or fifth year? cause if it's fourth, she wouldn't be a prefect.
i like this tho. 9/10Author's Response: aww, oops, didn't know that, lol, Thanks though I may have to edit that bit then Report Review
muttering cures... i think you mean curses. Lily had always left that he was after her... instead of left, i think you mean felt?
ooh, i so wanna beta! this was an amazing chapter, and the next should be just as good!Author's Response: Yea!! I have a beta, lol! You also picked up on the stuff that I need checking which is vair vair good! I'mm send you chapter 4 soon Report Review
not another cliffie!! oh wow, the whole scene with james and snape was truely well done. excellent job! this is turning out to be great! :D please update soon!
-nora.Author's Response: Thanks so very much for the review. I have an idea for the next chapter, so hopfully I will get that up soon! :) Report Review
:O no not a cliffie! anyway, this was great!! your handling the plotline very beautifully. :]
-nora.Author's Response: Many thanks again for the wonderful reviews! Report Review
wow! i love this so far! i honestly cant see why it doesnt have more reviews. its awesome! good job! :]
-nora. (btw im noraxnoelle on the forums :P )Author's Response: Thank you so very much, I'm truly flattered! Report Review
I'm sorry to say that because this story goes waayy past the line of the actual story I will have to stop reading it!
The writing was supurb and you had a few spelling errors so 9.5/10
~_*|Hannah|*_~Author's Response: Sorry that I went off from the actual story line, but it was a great idea I had and I really like it, I will try and bring it back, a bit, to the story line, but at the moment all I have is ideas. Thanks so much for the kind words about my work, I really like getting such nice reviews and it always makes me smile :) Report Review
I'm not sure if I like Evil Lily, but this is your story and your plotline so you can do whatever you want.
I'd be interesting if this led into Snapes worst memory. Though it can't because you've said Lily's in her fourth year and snapes memory happened during his fifth year. But still, it would be an interesting way to tie it all in with the book.
I noticed a few of the same mistakes as before. Spelling, minor grammer. Lots of typos. You should get a Beta to help with those types things. It might be very beneficial. Again please work on chapter length. The first two chapters could have easily been combined.
One more thing, this chapter needs more dialouge. You should add more in the part where Alice (Is this Alice Longbottom perhaps?) is confronting Lily about talking to Snape. That scene seemed a little rushed, and I think that Alice maybe gave up on the subject a little to quickly. If she's really Lily's best friend she should have maybe recognised that Lily was lying and pursued the subject a little further. Author's Response: Once again, thanks very much!!! Report Review
This was an interesting start. I noticed a few mistakes right off the bat, mainly in spelling, but also your switch to the flashback. When you go into a flashback or come out of a flashback please don't state what your doing. Like when you wrote Fourteen Year Old Lily Evans. Instead you should try and make it a bit more subtle. Try putting the first paragraph in italics, and switching the first couple of sentances in the flashback around a bit to let the reader know you are now in a flashback but without having to state the obvious. This will help the flow of the story tremendously, as well as make your story easier to read.
You should also work on chapter length. This was much to short. You could have made it so much better by adding detail, and maybe a little more dialouge. I would also have liked it if you had gone into more depth about the relationship between Lily and this Teacher. So far we just know that he likes to embarress her. That's not really enough to go on.
I like the plot so far. This is a good idea, and has the makings of a great story, just work on the things metioned above.Author's Response: Thanks you very much for all the great ideas and so forth, I will definatly be using them when I come back to my stories for editing again. I really can't thank you enough for the effort put into this, just, so that I could improve!! Report Review
I WON"T LET YOU MAKE LILY EvIL!!! DAMNIT!!!
It is my place as your best friend to warn you that making Lily Evil will not go as planned!! You can't don't do this darling!
My sweet friend! My best friend! The girl I will kill if you make Lily evil!
Lub ya sweetie xxxAuthor's Response: I love you too, but are doing two things wrong, one is your not looking at Mine! Which is the one I edited and Two you are not reviewing, meerly commenting on my choice of writing. Report Review
You can't make Lily evil, do you understand me darling, you can't! Author's Response: Yes I can, watch me!! Report Review
Hey, this is a cute little story at the moment :) and I can see it getting a whole lot stronger in terms of plot as you keep continuing. I've seen a few teeny errors that could probably be spotted by you just by proof-reading, for example 'cures' instead of curses at the top of chapter one...at least I assume that's what it was, I might have misread it :P. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Lol, oops, thanks for the review, I'm working on the next chapter at the moment, hope you keep reading it and I'll double check my chapters, maybe I should run them by a Beta. Report Review
Interesting, I'll like to see how this developes.
~LBAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm working on the next chapter right now! Report Review
Hmmm, interesting story and fine writing you did here.
However I noticed you have a few grammar mistakes.
In your fist chapter you wrote "Evens" instead of "Evans" and you mix up a few things.
However I enjoyed reading this.
ElvengirlAuthor's Response: Oops! lol, thanks for pointing it out, i'll get right on fixing that and thanks for the review! Report Review
Well you seem to be very good at understanding the character that you are writing, and I think that the plot is wonderful. I like Lily a lot. I only have to say that I wish the story was longer, and that the detail was a bit longer.Author's Response: It is a very short chapter, but i'm trying to write something longer and with more deepth for the next chapter and thanks soooooo much for reviewing!! Report Review
this was a very good first chapter... i think that it showed a different side of lily in the beginning and i am a big fan of stories that show a different sides to characters. Good job!!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! 10/10! Wow! *smiles* Report Review
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