I think that the story is great
but the whole 'new dark lord' thing kind of ruined it for me.
i'll continue to read the story though Report Review
update soon can't wait for more chapters good work i hope draco and hermione get back togetherAuthor's Response: Hm, we shall see; we shall see. :) Thanks for the review dear!! Report Review
Hey Girle! Guess who!? =P
Determined Hate. Very nice! But we all know that determined hate vanishes quickly, for it was 'determined' only becuase they didn't want to not hate them, even though they can't help it. Like Lucy and James! ^^
SPEAKING of WHICH
I'm so happy to finally see that part in its context! Yay Diary! -Jamesglare- I mean...journal! *cough*Diary*cough* =D Anyway, I can't wait to see what mysteriously strange secrets are held within its pages!
Pretty good, few typos! Like talking the desk instead of taking the desk. Lil things. All in all good, but we should probably have much more Hermione/Ron and more Harry too. Talk to ya more bout it later!
~Alex~The~Scary~Author's Response: Thanks dearie!! And yes, you shall talk to me about it more later won't you?? We really need to talk about you being my beta reader. lol. Seriously. Anyways, thanks for the review!! Your reviews always make me smile!!
Amber Report Review
ur sayin gud or bad.i think itz jus awesum.sply de end.gud goin.Author's Response: Thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it so much, though i was unimpressed with myself and will probably be rewriting it. Report Review
cute but good
update soon!Author's Response: Thanks!! And I will try to, but I'm not sure what to write next... Report Review
Love the plotline-Lucinda is my favorite character so far...ahahah her arguments with James make me laugh! XD
Nice story, and quite elegant writing. :) Great Job! :D
From light_blueAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement!! I hope to have the next chapter up soon. Report Review
Kietra my baby! My much-older-than-me baby! Yes, it's true! Me and Ambs defied all laws of space and human nature and had a kid! We live in diff states too! =O Startling! Sorry bout the randomness, I'm hyper and that popped into my head while reading it! =P And HOLY SHIZNIT! MIKE! Harry's son! Oh that's so cool! Love you for putting Mikey in here!
Mike: Thanks girl!
ANYWAY back to my girl, Kietra! Ah she's so cool! I didn't know anything about her when we named her, but she rules! DADA teacher, confident, mysterious, and a hidden agenda? Yup yup!
ANYWAY (again) I love this story! I really hope we can get that thread going again! Keep the chapters coming and you know where to find me if ya need anything! ;)
Mike: Hey what about me!?
We love ya
~Alex and Mike~Author's Response: Oddly enough, anyone who reads my reviews is gonna be scared out of their wits by this one. I would've been if I didn't know it was you, girlie!! lol. And you, Mike! ily both!!
ANYWAY (lol) glad you like the story, and glad you like kietra's personality and such. Wait til we get later in the story. You will LOVE our baby!! lol.
Also, thankies so much for the banner! And yes, anyone who is reading this, (and did not run away screaming after reading the original review) this is the wonderful alex that made the banner!! Amazing isn't she? And slightly scary as well, right?
Ok, so i hope we get that started again too. (*cough* isn't it your post next? *cough*)
ily!!!! Report Review
filler in deed but still goodAuthor's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review. :) Report Review
ooh a secret!! =D
I really like how you combine intense action with more detail and setup, good job.
haha i totally feel for Draco and his predicament.
Can't wait for more
Adding you to my favs =)
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: Aww, thankies so much! I'm glad you liked it, despite the terrible errors and pointlessness of fueding. Hope you like the future chapters just as much! Report Review
haha I liked Draco's last comment =)
Anyways, good job, no real spelling or grammar mistake, you had a couple of typos:
I'll eave - i think you meant I'll leave.
Haha Harry's turned into a meddlesome Dumbledore.
I'm kinda confused as far as why James and Lucinda can't get along. If Lucinda didnt know who her father was, then she wouldnt have a reason to hate her mother's best friends or their kids.right?
Good job =DAuthor's Response: Eh. Its more like steroetypes really. Slytherins are supposed to hate Gryffindors, and vice versa. If they got along, it would be terribly tramatic to the school, wouldn't it? Kinda like if Harry and Pnasy were suddenly best friends. lol. how insane would that be? Anyways, thanks for another wonderful review! Report Review
Sorry it's taken me so long to review!! =(
Okay, so i think this plot has a lot of potential, and I'm really excited to see what you do with it.
Characterization. Lucinda comes across as incredibly stupid. Lol. but how could she not realize the stories are true, especially wih the description of her father's hair? Wouldn't she notice? Oh and that fact that she was a Slytherin... oh well, it's your story, so you don't, and your shouldn't adapt that characterization to please others =)
Great job overall!
Onto the next chapters =)Author's Response: Well, incredibly stupid definately wasn't the characterization I was going for. lol. I guess I considered it more of a coincidence. I mean, how many people in the world have blonde hair? And more so, how many Slytherins probably had blonde hair? But hey, thanks for the review. Report Review
This is good I am impressed by the writing and plot of this story. Can't wait to see where this goes.Author's Response: Thanks so much!! =) Report Review
update real soon :)Author's Response: I will try, but I am in the middle trying to edit my previous chapters, so it may be a little while before I can update. Report Review
Hey there Kimaru-Sama from the forums here ^_^ sorry i took so long in getting to this ive been a bit busy.
This story is off to a good start i must say. The first part confused me a little because it just melded in with the story and again in Draco's flashback. You may want to leave a consderable amount of space between them so that readers can differentiate.
I only noticed one small mistake: Jared sat up as Jane walked over and sat down on the end of the couch, pointedly avoiding his eyes and staring resolutely at the fireplace.
i think it should be her eyes. Other than that i havent spotted any other mistakes but that not exactly my strong suit any way :). This was a good start but it didnt exactly pull me in. Ill add this to my favs and R &R the rest when i have some time. Hope it wasnt too mean
kay~Author's Response: No problem. Thanks so much for the advice. There was supposed to be more spaces after the first story, but it didn't turn out the way it was supposed to after it posted, and I haven't taken the time to go back and fix it. Thanks for the fave. I'm sorry it didn't catch your attention very much, but I hope you like it more after you read a bit more. =) Thanks so much for the review!! Report Review
hello there, SilverThimble from the forums here.
hmm, what to say? Sorry, I'm a little muddled from stacks of geography homework. This review may not make sense.
Firstly, I really liked your characterisation. Draco managed to be both in-character and much more mature than we see him in the books at once. I especially like the third-last paragraph, very logical there. Your description is also quite good, just enough to leave some things to the imagination without being totally vague.
It just didn't seem like a first chapter to me, there wasn't any sort of introduction to the characters or plot. I see where you're going with the flashbacks, but a lot of it was in italics. Maybe you could put Hermione's story in 'ordinary' text, it would just declutter it a little.
The plot does look like it will be interesting... Lucinda is Draco's daughter? ... *evil giggle*
as to believability... not so much, but if its written well you can believe almost anything, so i'll have to see how it goes.
overall 7/10Author's Response: I'm glad Draco's character worked out well. It was hard to reach a solid ground between in character, and eighteen years later, so I'm glad I found it. =)
Eh, first chapters, honestly, have always been my weakness. I'm terrible at writing introductions, so I just used the story as my "introduction." And yes, it has been pointed out that I should tkae out the italics, and I will soon, promise!
And well, if it isn't believable now, I have tons of big plans for it, so it won't get much more believable. But I hope the next chapters can clear it up a bit.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello! Sorry I took so long to get here and review! I felt bad! Well, believe it or not this is only my..*thinking* third Draco/Hermione story.*gasps* I know, I can't believe it either considering how much I sort of like it! : ) Well, I'll start with grammer/spelling. I can't remember any mistakes in the whole story. So that's a good start. There is only one spot that Hermione isn't Hermione in my opinion. I forget what chapter it is, but when she's complaining about the first years and how they're annoying and such, just doesn't remind me of her at all. The other charaters seem fine and the story seems to flow nicely. Also when Hermione is ignoring her daughter and says she likes to ignore her daughter on that one day, seemed out of place. I would think that she would love her much more and not ignore her, even if it's on August 18th i think. other than that, I really like this story and where it's going. I'll add this story to my favorites and review each chapter from now on I like it so much. : ) Hurry and update! 10/10
~CassieAuthor's Response: I know, that has been brought to my attention. Ashamed as I am of it, I let my anger get the better of me and took my venting out through Hermione's character, and it did not turn out well. I will be rewriting that part entirely, I promise. I'm glad you liked it, escpecially considering you don't normally read Dramione fics. I feel like I have accomplished something. :) Thanks for the fave, and for the review!! Amnd don't worry the next chapter is in the queue as we speak, er, type!! :P Report Review
I have decided that I completely love James. He seems like a nice guy, even though he supposedly hates Lucinda. I think I know what'll happen there. Hehe.
Oh, speaking of that, I was right about why I thought Harry hired Draco. :)
Hermione is an evil girl. First, she cheats on Draco, kind of, during their little fight seventeen/eighteen years ago... and now, after her make out session with Draco, she let's Ron kiss her--however, short as it was, it was still a kiss.
Anyways, I've been very pleased with this fanfiction. I believe that I will try to keep reading up until the points when it becomes Mature. Tell me when you update at my forum!
Excellent job! I have enjoyed reading this!Author's Response: Glad you like James. :) And yes, I suppose as mith many fics, it is easy enough to guess.
And well, Hermione IS kind of dating Ron right now, so. . . Yeah. lol.
And I hope you keep reading! I will repost on your review board when I update. And I'll be sure to put up warnings in the chapter summary on the Mature chapters. but if you want, I'll fill you in on the important details so that you can continue reading later chapters, while not having to read the Mature chapters. :)
Thanks for the reviews!! Report Review
I felt really bad for Draco at the beginning of the chapter when he was reading the letter. I would have been like, "Oops... well, I'm a jerk." Haha, poor guy.
But I think that if I had read the letter, I still wouldn't have forgiven her--well, I'm not a guy, so I don't really know how forgiving they are...--because she had thought it was someone else's baby to begin with. Okay, so it was after a fight--but still. I wouldn't have forgiven her. If my boyfriend cheated, I'd never forgive him. Ever. I dunno. I guess Draco would've been nicer than me. :)
'"I hear you're my father," the said firmly, her voice void of emotions.'
The word 'the' should be 'she'. :)
Oh my God! Make out scene! Silly Hermione, why did she have to ruin it? That was such a lovely scene, too. Heh heh. Anyways...
Great chapter! I want to find out where Hermione is going...Author's Response: Haha. Well, the only reason he might not have forgiven her then, but he's feeling guilty now because he just bandoned her without a second thought.
Darn typos! I'll add that to my list once I start resubmitting chapter with the correction.
Well, you'll find out. ;) And thanks for reviewing!! Report Review
Well, you have quite a triangle going, now that we know Ron and Hermione are still involved with each other. It's funny that Harry would try to get Draco back in the picture, because for some reason that seems like something Dumbledore would have done :)
I always loved Sir Cadogan, so his inclusion in the story is very welcome for me :) It's also an interesting idea to have all of the teachers lodged together in one area because I always thought of them having rooms spread throughout the castle.
There's a lot of ways you could take this story, so it will be interesting to see what you do with it. I think Lucinda's a pretty cool character and I don't think she'll have any problems handling the school year and her two parents. The grammar and such in these last few chapters seemed better than in the beginning ones, so that's awesome! Just make sure that you keep your characterizations realistic and I think you'll have a lot of Dramione fans clamoring for you to keep updating!
Ok, I hope my reviews were helpful and not too critical 0_o but you DID kind of ask for it! XD Feel free to request again if you like once I have a spot open again! Bye!Author's Response: Thank you so much for all your help!! You've been wonderful! I promise to make changes per your suggestions, as they have all been helpful, and most of the time, obvious things I should have noticed. And yes, I have so many ways to steer the story, but believe me, you'll never guess the path I have recently chosen! But it shall not be revealed for quite a while. And yes, I did ask for the criticism, and I thank you for not holding back, it has really helped me! And of course I'll request again once I get a couple more chapter up, and I have edited and such. Thanks again! You have been helpful in ways I cannot even put into words of adequate meaning!! Report Review
Ok, this is more like it! This was a great chapter! The part about Draco reading Hermione's letter for the first time was heartbreaking and explains a lot about why both Draco and Hermione acted the way they did, Draco never really finding out that Lucinda was his daughter and Hermione assuming that he had known and didn't care. It's also nice that you have both Draco and Hermione still single so they can definitely get back together :)Author's Response: *bows* I'm glad I was able to redeem myself in your eyes with this chapter. And, uh, *cough* Both not single! *cough* Haha. But as I see you have already reviewed the next chapter, I take it you realize this now. So I will merely leave it at that, and read your next helpful review! Report Review
This chapter was good, and I liked the exchange between Draco and his conscience. I do have to say, though, that I personally have a bit of a problem with ALL of the professors being from the Trio's year. Unless you had all of the older professors killed in the war, it just seems really unlikely that none of them would still be teaching. After all, Professor Dumbledore was teaching at Hogwarts in the 1930s, and was still there 60 years later. If you really want all of these characters, Hermione, Ron, Blaise, et cetera, to be teachers, you need to give the reader just a little bit of an explanation. For instance, in Harry's letter to Draco, he could say something like, "Due to Professor Slughorn's passing last year, we find ourselves in need of a Potion's teacher," or something like that. I also find it strange that Harry and the other teachers would be on the Hogwarts Express since they weren't new to the school like Draco. If you want to keep it like that, though, I think you should have Harry just give a brief re-introduction so that Draco and the readers at least know what subjects everyone teaches.
In the last chapter, I found the author's note you wrote in the middle of the story to be really jarring and unnecessary. I also think that having Hermione hate doing her duties as (I'm assuming) Deputy-Headmistress to be rather out of character for her. I think it would be very understandable, however, for her to be annoyed with it this particular year since she just had a fight with Lucinda so her nerves would be a bit frayed. Maybe contrast how she normally likes meeting the first years and welcoming them to the school with how this year she finds she has little patience for it. I just think making Hermione so impatient and calling the first-years "brats" is detrimental to her character and makes the reader like her a lot less. It's totally understandable if you hate part of your own job, but don't let that carry over into your writing because I think your level of professionalism will suffer for it. I'm sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh in this review!! I don't want to sound mean, but it's just a little frustrating when you had a good, solid, believable beginning to your story and then it starts to sort of fall into the trap of Dramione post-war cliches.
There was only one real technical mistake that I noticed, and it threw me off for a second! :D --"Well? You have to go talk to Dumbledore..." --I'm thinking this was just a typo and you meant this to be Harry. I guess we're all just so used to having Dumbledore be the headmaster :)
Ok, going to finish up this story now! Please don't take all of these critiques personally! I just want to make sure you have the most awesome Dramione fan fic that you can!Author's Response: Yes, I see what you mean. It is a bit odd, now that you mention it, for ALL of the teachers to be from the Trio's year. I'll add some more in, maybe have Draco asking Harry about how the class schedules work, and will work in the subjects, and maybe some other teachers that still teach there. I had just thought, after eighteen years that most teachers would have passed on, or retired, but I see what you mean when you speak of Dumbledore being there for so long.
And yes, as you have stated, I got carried away. I have said it before, and I hate to say that it applies to myself in this case: It is impossible to write well when you're angry, upset, or in any other emotional state. And sadly, I'm ashamed to say that I let that get the better of me and carry through to my fic.
And yes, I suppose we're all so used to Dumbledore being Headmaster, I typed it out of habit, I suppose.
Thank you so much. Of course, I've learned not to take these things personally. These things are what makes stories better. And I promise, once I get my beta to help me, we will attaempt to rework this entire chapter, completely rewriting Hermione's part in it, and possibly have Draco questioning about the staff while in the compartment. Thanks so much for all your help!!! Report Review
Hey, back again! Pretty good chapter, and don't worry, you don't *always* need a cliffie! Sometimes it's just nice to end it evenly I think. Well, the only thing that I can think of to critique would be that you might want to add some more description. You do a great job with dialogue and the characters' inner thoughts and feelings, but you don't really say much about the environments they're in. Now, the reason I noticed this is because I do the EXACT same thing when I write! I usually have to go back later and insert more description because I get so caught up in the dialogue and action :D It's just something for you to think about and it would really help to even out your story.
I thought the little scene with Draco getting Harry's letter was "Harrlarious" (haha. That was so lame!) These lines made me laugh: "How the hell does he do that?!" and "What did he ever do to the stupid bird?" I like how Draco is immediately suspicious of the help that Harry is offering him. That is *very* in character for him, and it's a nice touch that you added. It's going to be interesting if Draco does accept and then Lucinda has him for her Head of House! Oooh let the fireworks start!
I think you handled Lucinda's and Hermione's little confrontation very well. Lucinda acted just like an emotional 17-year-old would (no offense! XD) and I thought Amy's response was pretty funny too when she heard the name "Draco Malfoy."
I did still notice a few typo-type errors, so you might want to have someone just do a quick beta-reading of it and catch those. They weren't really distracting, but they were there. Ok, off to read more! Good story so far, 9/10!Author's Response: Dang, I can't believe I did that. Whenever I review, that's the one thing I always tell people, description! But I always focus more on feelings, emotions, tensions in the room, etc. I'm not good at describing environments very well. I normally just use cop-out lines, like, "Hardly taking notice of the new room, she went straight up the stairs to her dorm for a well deserved sleep." That kind of stuff. But I'll try harder on describing the environments, though.
I'm glad people have been taking notice of the Draco & Hedwig scene. That was one of my favorites to write. And I'm glad I kept him in character. I always have trouble keeping Draco, of all people, in character. Cause I'm convinced he was always a good guy, turned bad only through influence of his father, so its hard for me to keep him in his bad-boy attitude alot of times, so I'm glad he was in character in this chapter. And yes, let the fireworks fly!! haha.
None taken at all! That was kinda the effect I was going for. I mean, a 17 year-old girl? Hello? Drama Queen!! lol. It just comes with being a 17 year-old girl, I guess. And yea, Amy can be tactless, but she keeps things light and fun.
And dun worry, I'm getting a beta soon, I promise!! Report Review
Hey! It's Renny from the forums here to do your review :D Now I know you said you don't mind if I shred this to critical pieces, but I'm going to try to balance that out with positive stuff too!
Ok, to be brutally honest, I was a bit worried about your basic plot premise because it seems like the idea of Hermione having Draco's child and it being17 odd years later seems to be a bit cliched to me. Maybe it isn't in fandom, but I've already read a story like this in the short time that I've been doing reviews so, yeah, at first I was like "Oh not again..." But I have to say that your writing style is very good (especially for your age) and you've done certain things to draw me into the story. I really like the idea of Draco working for the newspaper, for some reason. I also think it's kind of funny that you had Harry work so hard to prove that Draco was *not* a Death Eater when he spends most of HBP trying to convince everyone that he is! It is nice, though, to see that at least in your story Draco and Harry seem to have moved a bit past their school-days prejudices and are now acting like adults.
The idea of Harry being headmaster of Hogwarts seems a *bit* far fetched to me since he was an Auror and I would think that he would have had to be a professor for a certain number of years to get that position. But, I'll just read and see how you handle it.
One thing you want to watch out for is the capitalization of canon terms. For instance, "Quidditch," "Auror," and "Veritaserum." You also need to be careful of where you put commas because sometimes you don't actually need one, like in this sentence: "Shaking the thoughts from his head, he continued the article[,] and collected the articles..." --you don't need that second one I put brackets around because you're connecting an independent clause to a dependent clause. If they were both independent, as in they could both stand alone as sentences, then you would definitely need one. I also think you need to break this sentence up a little because it is a run-on: "He convinced himself that he didn't care what she was doing or where she was now...[etc.]"
Ok, hope all of that wasn't too critical for you. I'm honestly being more nit-picky with you than I normally would simply because you asked for it. So far, though, the characters are interesting (Lucinda's pretty cute and dreamy!) so I'm going to keep reading and see what's going on in this complicated love mess you've written. See you in a later chapter!Author's Response: Hmm, I didn't really think about that for Harry, actually. I figured that since Voldemort was gone, that Harry would have a chance to retire from being an Auror, and being the Headmaster seemed to kinda fit. But I do see what you mean. And yes, about Draco, that is rather ironic, actually. But, don't be so sure that Harry's intentions are not without reason. ;) I'll say no more about that, as you're reading on, and I'd hate to spoil it for you.
Ah, grammar and pnctuation mistakes strike me yet again. Don't worry; I'm getting a beta soon, and once we get started, every chapter will be resubmitted with corrections.
And I'm glad you're being nit-picky! That's what I need if I want to develop this story further. Thanks for the review, and thanks for your positiveness as well! Report Review
Haha, the conscience scene was so funny. I love fanfictions that involve arguments with one character. It's so funny. That made my day, I swear. It was super funny.
"Of course you would need to maneuver around all that hair of yours..." You need a comma after 'of course'. :)
I LOVED the last line! That was SO brilliant. It was hilarious, because, really, it is true. That was great!
I look forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Ah, yes, the conscience is sort of my signature thing. I roleplay alot, and everyone on the forum knows me by the conscience. I always tell them I finally posted, and their like "Great," and I tell them that the conscience is in the post, and they get really excited. I love writing the conscience, its so much fun!! I'm glad it made your day a bit brighter, really! The conscience made someone smile today; I feel accomplished!
Ah, the ever hating-me punctuation mistakes. I will correct it soon, promise! I'm getting a beta, and when we get started all the chapters will be resubmitted with corrections.
Of course, HAD to put that in!! It was all so serious, I had to put in something random!! Report Review
That was a nice chapter, although I don't think it was quite as eventful as any of the past chapters. I did like the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, though. I have a feeling Hermione might be there... when Draco goes...
Lucinda is entirely like Draco, although I don't yet know if she as much of a coward as he seemed to be... we might find out, though, right?
Anyways, it was a nice chapter. And your little TV commercial thing got me very interested in what is happening in the next chapter. :)Author's Response: Well, you reviewed the next chapter, so I can hardly answer that, now can I? haha.
And well, Lucinda is anything but a coward, I'll go ahead and tell you that. She has Draco's ego, and Hermione's brains to back it up, so she's not one to cross! ;)
Yea, I'd kinda had a bit too much caffiene when I was finishing the chapter, so the TV commercial thing just sort of came too me, and I had to write it! Haha. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection