oh man! I wan to know what happens next!! This is amazing, and I can't wait for an update-soon hopefuly! NIicely done, it just seems a bit rough about the edges just yet, but keep it going!

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'In fact, the death eaters themselves left the sign there, probably so they could get credit. The sign - a small snake was always left, right where the victim died. This was why they were meeting tonight. They needed to get together, even though they weren’t technically Dumbledore’s army it was good they were getting back together...'

there =]



xoprongsieox

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Well done for your first one =]

A few things though... I did say I'ld give you C.C =D

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When saying things like '2am' and '7 years', say 'two in the morning' or 'seven years' - makes the writing better.


Also, in the title, instead of 'Can't you see?' use 'Can't You See?' - again, it makes the writing better, and the whole story seem more... can't find a word. Ummm. sophisticated.


Also, the paragraphs are a bit... wideset. Big. Makes it seem immature. Make them smaller and only use < p > or whatever when you're taking a differunt (if i can spell it) turn or setting or time in the story.


Also, with the big paragraph describing the war and stuff - make smaller paragraphs, use captials for words like Death Eaters, and You-Know-Who (or He Who Must Not Be Named, or the Dark Lord, or Voldemort, or Tom Marvolo Riddle, or whatever he goes by).

Also, that paragraph summing it up was a little quick... maybe a longer explanation? Even with my highly educated brain (hah) I didn't understand it =]

Plus - the Dark Mark is a snake coming out of a skull, and it was rather large (?)... well, it filled the sky with glittering green lights so it must've been =D

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/97/Dark_Mark.JPG&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Eaters&h=260&w=316&sz=12&hl=en&start=2&tbnid=jBa45Ak5cFxOlM:&tbnh=96&tbnw=117&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dthe%2BDark%2BMark%26gbv%3D2%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

^^Dark Mark profile


Also, use < hr > lines (makes horizontal lines) when you are switching places or times, like from where Ron and Ginny are, to where Harry and Hermione are.


Also (I seem to be using that word alot), whenever they met up, I think Ron and Ginny would be more... armed. On their guard. Incase it was a Death Eater attack, or lure, or something. Hey... that would make a good plot... *evil grin*...


Addiditonaly, whenever Hermione and Ron are like 'oh-eer...' I think Hermione would be more professional about it - not just blush and stare. Not Hermione-ish, really. Ron would be the gawky one. =D

How I love Ron =D

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Well, there is your CC.

=D

Tres bein for your first one - I've read ones that were... let's not go there. =]

Well done Sha - SomethingaboutHermione

=D


xoxo



Author's Response: Who said they left a dark mark?

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