Reading Reviews for The Emerald Phoenix
103 Reviews Found

Review #1, by theblacksisters The Last Longbottom

24th November 2013:
Character death in the first chapter is a sign that I will really like this story. Keep writing :)!

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Review #2, by theblacksisters Rising From The Ashes

18th November 2013:
Seriously loving this! :)
Please update really, really soon.

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Review #3, by theblacksisters Echoes of Voldemort

18th November 2013:
Knew it! :). Looking great. I love dark stuff.

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Review #4, by MoonlightDrive The Last Longbottom

14th December 2010:
I kinda hate you for killing Neville :D but I really like this story, so that makes up for it :)

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Review #5, by Centurion The Phoenix Mark

6th February 2010:
Interesting, exciting, some suspence and well written. I like it a lot.
What i miss though (not just in this story, but in most drama/angst fanfics) is a bit of humour here and there. It puts things in perspective, and keeps it exciting and balanced.
Otherwise, all the drama may become a little bit too much I think.

But I definitley like it so far! Update asap please :)

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Review #6, by llaa Rising From The Ashes

19th December 2009:
Hi, I'm back-- My gosh, so many chapters I've miss so far after being so out, I'm so terrible. Anyway, it's not only response to this chapter, but it's in my mind after reading it. I can tell this story still have consistency, so do keep it up with it as a habit and practice when your novel striving. You have huge audience awaiting for next chapter. ^_^ so don't deprive our wait too long that we always be around here anticipating the next chapter.

kuddos and love to be back,
llaa aka Rosella. ^_^

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Review #7, by xCailinNollaigx Echoes of Voldemort

2nd September 2009:
Just reading this again, when I thought, "Couldn't be a Malfoy, could it?"
No, no, it couldn't. Really. They don't look like Voldie or are as powerful. Although..
Who else kicked Hagrid out? I must keep thinking, lol. There's no way Voldemort could be back. Right? Otherwise, as you've said, why would he bother with the whole phoenix thing?
I am so intrigued by the Phoenix and cannot wait to see more of him.
Can't believe you killed Hagrid. *sniff* :'(
Please update soon :)

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Review #8, by xCailinNollaigx Rising From The Ashes

6th August 2009:
This story is brilliant! I love the mystery behind it, and how the reader can't really guess too much about the Phoenix. I have my theories, but they are nearly most definitely wrong, haha.
The Ron/Luna relationship is good, because I love that pair, but we haven't seen them together yet.. But that's not huge to me even so. I can't help but have a bad feeling about Luna and the baby, but I sincerly hope I'm wrong. Give us a Runa baby ;) haha
I LOVE the Harmony, but perhaps some insight would be nice. However, I Realise the story is not situated around romance.
Two more deaths and Hermione will be the target, yes? Interesting, I wonder how it will play out.
I was hoping against hope that Hagrid would survive, but alas, no. :( It's sad. I always liked Hagrid.
It's an amazing plot, and I really hope you update soon as I can't wait to see what happens!

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Review #9, by GinnyFan2009 Rising From The Ashes

3rd April 2009:
I am liking the plot, as i dunno why, but i like storys with tradagy and death. i am looking forward to see how the plot evolves


Author's Response: Hello there! Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you have enjoyed the plot so far. Hopefully the story will continue soon and you'll see where the plot goes. Thanks a lot!

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Review #10, by DUMBELDAVE Rising From The Ashes

13th February 2009:
Awesome, this phoenix person is a serious threat


Author's Response: Hello again!

Yep, phoenix dude is a threat of course, but there's little we know about him, and even Harry and Hermione and Ron are clueless and in the dark about a lot. Harry kinda has ideas, but they are quite fuzzy and unsure, so I'm sure as the story goes on, we'll get a clearer . . . of fuzzier, picture. :)

Thanks again Dave for reading and reviewing! Hope to hear from you again!

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Review #11, by DUMBELDAVE Echoes of Voldemort

13th February 2009:

Awesome chapter ! ! ! !


Author's Response: AARRGGH indeed!

Glad you liked the chapter here, had some fun with it of course. :)

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Review #12, by DUMBELDAVE The Phoenix Mark

13th February 2009:
a very interesting chapter , off to read more !


Author's Response: Hey again Dave!

Oh, interesting is good! Go ahead, read more!

Thanks again!

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Review #13, by DUMBELDAVE The Last Longbottom

12th February 2009:
Ahhh poor Neville . . .

damn Deaters


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Review #14, by H4H Rising From The Ashes

31st May 2008:
Hi there Chris!

I really didn't think i'd take this long to review... i even bookmarked this page right when the story was updated so i didn't forget, but i've been so incredibly busy... i moved to the US! North Carolina, to me precise. Things were getting a little too intense back at home... and i hear you're going to Scottland? That's so great, the best of luck for you!!

Anyway, i'm still pissed that you killed off Hagrid, but my anger management class is working wonders and i promise i won't track you down and murder you (don't mind me... i'm a little tipsy today). I like how Harry is more conscious of his own behaviour and how Ron's much more mature. I actually didn't mind him much this chapter!

WOW! "It's your fault!"... that BLEW ME AWAY!!! I had to re-read it over and over again so that the awesomeness could sink in. It's just one of those moments that play in my head while i'm reading and this one was so clear... Seriously, this sentence made the whole chapter. I just love how Hermione has this powerful effect over Harry and knock some sense into him... it's one of my favorite things in the whole Potter world. No matter what, she can make him come... to reality. I'm gonna cut this review short, okay?

I love it Chris and i'm really looking forward to the next chapter. Off to go read V for Vendetta.


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Review #15, by Bella_Portia The Phoenix Mark

31st May 2008:
I liked this chapter much better than the first. Indeed, if I had read this chapter before I reviewed the first chapter, I would have framed my review differently.

So let me start there. Chapter 1 now appears to be, essentially a prologue. I am assuming that the rest of this story will proceed, basically, as a police procedural, without huge flashback sequences from the victim's (ie, Neville's POV) from here on in. Therefore, you needed to set Neville up, show a bit of his life to give the reader an emotional connection, then have the EP off him. This could have been done less than 1000 words beyond the final sequence. The long first chapter throws the emphasis onto Neville, where it does not belong, and away from the EP, where it does. You can make your points (Neville's life is going great, he's about to be a father and he has a cat) with brevity.

If you did that, the story proper could start off with the head detective having his vacation ruined -- a familiar but plausible beginning. I would have abbrieviated that dream about Hermione -- once again, it went on way too long and it skewed the narrative. By the way, what is the deal with Harry and Hermione? Do they have a Mulder/Scully thing going? Are they actually boyfriend/girlfriend? Married? Work in the same agency? I was not clear.

Once they got to the crime scene, the story took off, and I think you did that part really well. The inquiries about the different spells, the reaction to the dead cat, Ron's reaction when Harry failed to notice the sign above the house -- I liked that part and thought you did a really good job.

The part where they were discussing reasons why Harry's scar could be hurting and, specifically, how they could have missed a Horcrux, was a bit confusing. I understand the part about Nagini not being a Horcrux and them missing one. However, that part about the Proliatentia Trinity was utterly confusing until I finished the whole chapter and read the A/N. I would strongly suggest working an explanation of that procedure into the story. Maybe my memory is slipping, but I don't remember it being canon.

As to the spell: of course, you can call it anything you want. But Potentia Proeliatorum Trinorum is the Latin for Power of Three Warriors. Hence, Proeliapotentia [which carries the ideas of battle, proelium, and power, potentia] and "Trinity" might convey the idea behind the spell a bit better. (The way you've got it, it sounds like the spell is related to "battle" and something to do with holding, "tenere" or its participle form "tentus," which is related to words like tentacle).

Lots of good stuff in this chapter.

Author's Response: Hi there Bella,

Yes, I guess you are right that Chapter 1 is a sort of prologue. And I definitely see how you say that the first chapter goes on for way too long, trust me. The main reason behind it, is . . . well, like I said before, to kind of throw the reader off, and allow not only an emotional connection to Neville, but also background on the stage of the story.

See, having only 1000 or so words to set the stage, explain the end of the war, intro Neville, get a connection, and then introduce the killer and kill Neville . . . I think it would be overtly rushed, and not give the intended feeling: that the world is not rushed, that there is no tension or fear. Neville's life is quite simplistic, as is Luna's. People get a good connection with Neville, 'cause they live a bit of his life and hear his reactions and thoughts, not just get told "he's upset with being lonely".

Plus, this relaxed feeling to the narrative is continued at the beginning of this chapter, with Harry and his dream. It again reminds us that the world is slower, more relaxed, etc. The dream is a stark contrast to the ending of the chapter before, meant to cause the reader to wonder what's going on, until they realize it was a dream. The reader gets a smile on their face, only after just reading about Neville's murder.

Harry and Hermione are bf/gf. They've been going out for a few years.

Glad you liked the crimescene intro, it's good to hear the story took off nicely for you there. :)

This story began BEFORE DH, and does not contain spoilers (ergo it's not Canon), hence why it may have been confusing for a moment. It's meant to quickly explain how they got things done in my AU, without going into unnecessary detail. Going into detail would just be pointless filler, the importat thing is that they had a way of destroying a Horcrux.

As for the spell, good job on the latin! I know that the way it's done now is slightly incorrect, but putting it the way you have, would make it very difficult for the average reader to pronounce. I went for a way that was close to true, but easier to pronounce. I mean, if you were reading at the word "Proeliapotentia" came up, you'd have to go through a few seconds of sounding it out before just skipping it, thus making it useless.

Thank you though Bella for all your indepth comments and suggestions, they are definitely helpful and nice to hear! Thank you!

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Review #16, by Bella_Portia The Last Longbottom

30th May 2008:
I don’t normally do “brutally honest,” but I’m going to go there this time.
You have a pretty good beginning and a dynamite ending. As far as being the kick-off for a dark series, it has fine potential. The crazy title character, who finally makes his appearance at the very end, about whom the reader knows nothing but who is very intriguing – great. And Neville is probably one of the most appealing canon characters you could pick as a protagonist.
1. I am one of those reviewers who feel proper English is absolutely important for me to enjoy a story. I’m the first to admit I make myself; and that, even with careful proofreading, some will get through. It’s the pervasive English errors that get to me.
Your story had pervasive errors in English. To wit:
a. “the world relished in the Dark Lord’s fall” – should have been either “the world relished the Dark Lord’s fall” or “the world reveled in, etc.”
b. Neville was there = This is actually not necessarily wrong; but “had been there” would be stronger.
c. “mass number of Death Eaters” = “massive” number or “mass of Death Eaters”

d. Neville found Harry lying unconscious in one of the dark corridors, and as he looked around for help, he found a black cloak, and a long and hauntingly still wand on the ground. It’s a run-on sentence. You can make it into two sentences, or you can put a semicolon after corridors and omit comma after “cloak.

e. [As soon as Neville got][omit=Getting] to him, Harry whispered “he’s gone,” before he lost consciousness again. (As you wrote it, getting to him modifies “Harry” rather than Neville, which is what you intend.)

At this point, I stopped pulling out specific examples, because it was too time-consuming. I will just recommend that you get someone who is strong in English to review this for you.

2. The pacing. This chapter seemed to be about twice as long as it should have been. The reader comes into it prepared to read a dark suspense/horror story. That suggests a story that moves along. The first section, with Neville and his plants in his office, was fine at setting the state (so to speak). The section with Padma was okay, assuming it will go somewhere eventually. Because, as a reader, I guarantee you that I now have expectations about Padma’s future significance in this story. You’ve also made her look like a romantic interest.

But Luna. As far as I could see, the only point in that sequence was to get Neville out of the house so that the Emerald Phoenix could break into it. I did not care what she named the baby or about any of the other stuff that I had to read through before the plot picked up. It was very boring. Even if Luna is going to be a “player” in the later plot, this sequence told us nothing new about her (except that she was with Ron). The whole thing could have been dealt with in a paragraph. Neville goes out to visit Luna, stays an hour, comes back and finds the house possibly disturbed. Done without bogging down the plot.

Unfortunately, the long long visit with Luna made the pre-going to bed and pre-realizing there was really something wrong sequence seem too long. And I don’t thing it necessarily was. Also, I think a bit of Neville at home would have pointed out the horror of his encounter with the EP. But the Luna sequence through it out of kilter.

Returning to the good stuff.
Here are a few specific things that caught my attention:
Where you wrote:
“Neville was told by Hermione Granger, that she was going to make sure that in the new versions of Hogwarts: A History, at least three pages would be dedicated to Lupin and his story.” I thought that was a really clever idea, as well as being ver appropriate to link it to Hermione.

As to the section about those greenhouses, where you wrote, “They were not exactly greenhouses, with outside with sunlight coming through, but were instead magically made greenhouses[,]” I thought [only as a suggestion] that a little more specificity might be helpful. How about: They were not regular “Muggle” greenhouses, requiring access to sunlight to create a warm environment for the plants inside. Rather, they were magical greenhouses; sunlight poured through them as though they were outside.

Where you wrote: “The Magical Brethren however, could never be fixed to their before proud selves.” I’m not sure I’d use quite this language. The Magical Brethren (except the Witch and Wizard) were looking up (as you note later in the paragraph) with admiration. But I liked the rest of your description a great deal; it appears the House Elf and Centaur have had it.

One thing: where the heck is Laurel? Perhaps you said, but I did not catch it. And I thought there was a reference to his baby growing up – that came out of nowhere. And, if that was how you intended to introduce to the reader the fact of Neville’s impending fatherhood – well, I did not like it.

However, the final sequence, starting from the time that Neville reaches for his wand and cannot find it – OUTSTANDING. Worth the price of admission. If you keep writing like that, your readers will keep coming back. The sadness when the poor cat was dead, the groping uncertainty and fear when he couldn’t find his wand and was trying to remember what happened to it – these moments felt very authentic. And, of course, the ending is a real cliff-hanger.

Author's Response: Hey Bella! Wow, now that is quite . . . to the point, now isn't it? There are a lot of things I can reply on, so hopefully I can do so with the space I'm given. I'll just address your con-points.

1. Yes, even after it's been through a beta and myself, spelling/grammar errors do about in some manner or form. I do plan on going through the story again soon, so I'm sorry if there are errors.

2. Padma will return, yes, but seeing Luna I believe is important, not just for information, but also to lead the reader away. From the summary, yes, you are expecting some dark and mysterious story, with a good pace. To be reading about Neville visiting Luna and conversing, the reader wonders why this is important, if it is. Hearing Luna's backstory and how things are with her I think is important, because I've always paralleled Luna and Neville with their social status. Both are odd in their own way, and don't have loads of friends. To see that even after both are married, that they're still lonely in their own way, it's important to the story and the characters. It wasn't put in as a device to all the Phoenix time to enter the house. As you read, the Phoenix didn't actually enter the house until Neville was back.

But yes, this chapter is perhaps longer than it needs to be. This chapter has to explain a good deal about the world everyone is living in, some of the couples that came out of the war, as well as where everyone is. Another reader asked where Laurel was, but it's like I told them: it doesn't matter necessarily where she is, it's the fact that she isn't at home. It's not important to the plot to know exactly where she is.

There are some more grammar stuff there as well, thank you for pointing them out. Again, I have to read through it.

And at the end, with finding out Neville is going to be a father, I wanted it to be a surprise to readers. It adds an even more sudden sadness to his death. The reader realized he was going to die, which is sad, but now suddenly they realize his child will never know its father. It's just that last little clincher, you know?

But believe me Bella, a lot of what you have said has helped, so thank you. I know that some parts, especially with Luna, seems to get in the way and clutter up the pace of the story, but in a way I wanted it to. Realize that the world everyone lives in is not fast paced and grim and gloomy. It's relaxed, and easy paced, just as Neville's visit was. Meeting Luna gives back plot to Ron and the trio, whom we haven't even met yet, and it sets some of the stage for more of the story. Plus it intentionally pulls the story away from a fast pace, and brings the story back to the reality of the time.

Thanks again though Bella for your very detailed review. I do hope you come back and read more of the story!

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Review #17, by Leo072491 The Phoenix Mark

29th May 2008:
Alright this chapter was much better in the character development. I could still notice Harry and Hermione's personalities as well as Ron's and it didn't detract from the romance. I also enjoyed the funny bit in the beginning. Keep having little funny tidbits in your story. You dont want it to be too much action, break it up some with laughter, romance, etc.
There were some gramatical errors in this chapter and the last. Reread your work like two weeks after you post it and it will be way eaiser to find your mistakes. I do the same thing. Other than that great chapter. This is the last one I'm reviewing because I have so many to do. If you want me to do the other two then you can put them back in que. I'm just trying to be fair to everyone :)
If this is my last chapter then good luck with the rest of your story and congradulations on a job well done so far :D.


Author's Response: Hey again Leo!

Yep, told you it would be better in his chapter with character development. Here is when we meet the trio again, and some other characters a bit more intimately. It's good to hear that Harry, Ron, and Hermione's personalities were recognizable.

The beginning, I've had a good amount of positive feedback on that, a light and funny way of opening the chapter, and massively contrastive to the ending of the previous chapter. I like to keep some fun tidbits here in there, yes, to break up a bit of the darkness.

Sorry for the grammatical mistakes. Of course, I understand with having other stories in your queue. I think I'll put the last 2 chapters in your topic again, when another space opens up.

Thanks again though Leo for your great reviews!

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Review #18, by Leo072491 The Last Longbottom

29th May 2008:
Okay well first off let me say that the action at the end was very tensious (if that is a word :P) Which is great because it causes the reader's heart to start beating faster and then they get all excited about what is going to happen. However there was one major problem I had. The characterzation.
I mean what happened to Luna's spaceyness? And why is Ron spending so much time away from his wife when she is 7 months pregnant? And where in the world was Neville's wife? I mean I understand why she couldn't be there for the plot, but I never knew why she wasn't there. And oh my goodness I wanted to just smack Neville. I mean who stays in a big house at night alone and hears like a million creepy noises before they FINALLY decide to go see if it is more than just the cat. I'm sorry I'm rambling here.
My point is although you know I'm a cannon shipper but I can take other ships too. And if you want to change these relationships then the way to be a GREAT writer is to get two characters together without changing the personalities. That is what will make this story truly amazing.
But the tension was great. It makes for a great action story. The plot also seems like it has a lot of potential. Great cliffe ending! On to the next chapter.


Author's Response: Hello Leo! Thanks for coming by and reviewing!

Tension eh? That's great, that was the plan. The fact that the reader knows from the summary what is going to happen, makes them wonder when it's going to happen. The chapter is getting towards the end, and tension is building: they know it's coming, so it's great that the ending is tenuous (I think that's the word you were looking for). :)

With the characters, I can understand how some of it doesn't fit exactly. Remember, this is a few years after the war has ended, so the characters have grown up and changed a bit. Also, this is only the first chapter, so realize too it's tough to get an exact idea of the characters, aside from Neville really. Luna is still spacey, of course, but her conversation with Neville was bit more relaxed.

Ron, he works at the Auror Office, and don't forget, he was never the best at things. He has to work hard to make a place for himself. Plus, 7 months pregnant doesn't mean a huge thing really. I mean, my brother's wife is 8 months right now, and he still works, as does she!

Neville's wife, you meet in the second chapter. It doesn't matter hugely why she isn't home, it's just the fact that she isn't is important. And don't forget: Voldemort is gone, there's no reason to be worried about being alone in a house. Yeah, he gets a bit paranoid with the sounds, but lots of people do, doesn't mean they go stay with a friend. They just suck it up, and go to sleep, knowing they'll laugh at themselves the next morning.

This chapter though, is meant only to build on Neville's character, and introduce the world that everyone is living in. I would worry more about the characterizations further into the story. I understand fully that to make the story believable, you need to keep characters "in character", and not radically change them.

But I'm glad you like the beginning, and that the plot sounds very workable. Thanks for the review Leo!

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Review #19, by HPfanDVM Rising From The Ashes

21st May 2008:
I don't mean to be critical because you are a talented HPFF writer, but is it going to constantly be 2 to 3 months in between chapters because its getting harder to remember everything. Like the ending of Oroborus Light took 7 months for 3 chapters?

To the chapter, it was good as usual. Keep it up!

Author's Response: Hey DVM!

No, I think you have every right to be critical here. I know I would be upset with having to wait that long for new chapters, regardless of how good or cruddy the writing or story is.

The reason why chapters have been so incredibly slow for the last year or so is because I was finishing my Honours BSc here in Canada. It was a hard year, and I had a lot of things going outside classes themselves (I was in 2 bands, I tutored and mentored high school students, I had a job, etc). Writing fell behind because of that, and I am sorry for that, but now school is done for now (until August at least). Things should move quicker now, as can be seen as of late (I've put out 2 chapters in the last 2 weeks). I'm hopeful that I'll write more now, and chapters will be updated quicker.

With HPOL specifically, it took forever to end that mostly because I lost a bit of feeling towards that story. Such a long one, I didn't want to end it in a way. It's always been there for me at HPFF, and now it's done, so it felt odd finishing it, you know?

But regardless, I am very happy that you came back to read this new chapter, 'cause I know I've lost readers from the long post times. I'm hopeful that more will come back as time goes on, but I know I've lost a good number from not posting more often. Hopefully, again, I can post more now, and gain some of them back.

Glad you liked this chapter too, and I do hope you'll come back when the next chapter is up. Thanks DVM!

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Review #20, by Potter n Mione Rising From The Ashes

20th May 2008:
This is getting better and better! Strange, really. Thinking bout the possibility that Harry missed a Horcrux. Wait! In your fic, did he destroy the crux within himself??

Author's Response: Better and better is good. :)

Thinking about the Horcrux idea, well, that's an option of course.

In this story, there is no Horcrux in Harry, no, so that does not have to be tackled.

But keep guessing there, I'm sure you'll find something closer. :) Thanks for all your reviews!

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Review #21, by Potter n Mione Echoes of Voldemort

20th May 2008:
Oh my gosh! WHAT?! How can that be?! Impossible! He killed Hagrid! He's going to get Hermione! Oh gosh! HOW?!

Author's Response: Ah, back again! Oh how I love when people are totally aghast with everything! :)

Yep, he killed Hagrid, and he mentioned getting Hermione. The how is the important part, now isn't it? :)

Like I said, keep guessing there P'n'M!

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Review #22, by Potter n Mione The Phoenix Mark

20th May 2008:
Hmm... Voldie back from the dead? Highly unlikely... A Dark Lord wannabe who used to be a Deathie? Likely. I'm betting on the wannabe cuz Neville definitely recognized his killer. Well, we shall see! :) See you in the next chappie.

Author's Response: Hello again!

Hmm, you think it's a Dark Lord wannabe eh? A wannabe that Neville recognizes . . . well, there are still lots of guesses there now aren't there?

We shall see indeed!

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Review #23, by Potter n Mione The Last Longbottom

20th May 2008:
OMG! Is it Voldemort!? Malfoy??! Snape!? But why... Emerald... Harry?! IT CAN'T BE!?

Author's Response: Hey, it's P'n'M! :) Nice to see you herer!

Ha, I love it when I get people confused like that. :) Those are some interesting guesses. I don't think anyone has guessed Snape or Malfoy before, so it's interesting for sure.

But keep on guessing! :)

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Review #24, by Ana Rising From The Ashes

20th May 2008:
Man!!! Happy to hear from you again!!!, just when I was desperate trying to find something good to read :p. Excellent chapter Chris, but now you left me with so much questions about the Phoenix!!. How he could be more powerful than Harry? Why is he only trying to kill the people close to him but without any pattern?. Well I supose that the only thing I can do for now is wish you a happy trip to Scotland and pray for the next chapter of the story ;-D. By the way are you going to update the story in FFnet? Big Hug.


Author's Response: Whoops! Must of hit the reply button twice! Same review!

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Review #25, by Ana Rising From The Ashes

20th May 2008:
Man!!! Happy to hear from you again!!!, just when I was desperate trying to find something good to read :p. Excellent chapter Chris, but now you left me with so much questions about the Phoenix!!. How he could be more powerful than Harry? Why is he only trying to kill the people close to him but without any pattern?. Well I supose that the only thing I can do for now is wish you a happy trip to Scotland and pray for the next chapter of the story ;-D. By the way are you going to update the story in FFnet? Big Hug.


Author's Response: Hey there Ana! Nice to see you! And of course I'm very much happy to fill in that good reading desire! :)

But yes, questions abound here don't they? They will get answered as time goes, but for now keep those questions in your mind as you read forward.

But thank you for the wish there, I'm sure Scotland will be great to me, just as long as I get the funding to go. But in the mean time, I'll be working on the next chapter of course.

As for FFnet, I'll be trying to get over there in the next day or so to update it there too. Thanks for reminding me! :)

Thanks again Ana!

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