This fic has a really good story plot and lots of interesting ideas. PLOT: 80%
Grammar, syntax, sentence construction very good but flawed by near total failure of past perfect tense which confuses many of the passages. GRAMMAR: 80%
Writing style and storytelling is mostly (not always) poor. There is a lot of author-speak where the author is explaining things rather than storytelling. Some of those parts read like a draft story design rather than immersive fiction. Show not tell is poor for that reason. STYLE: 50%
Pace is very good although variable. PACE: 80%
Overall Readability is fairly good because the decent story plot interest rides over the weak storytelling. This is much better than having it the other way round with great storytelling but a rubbish story that's not worth telling! The fact that I read it through and was often eager to get to the next chapter proves that. The only chapter I skip-browsed is this one - the epilogue; Not a bad idea to round the story off but it should have either been drastically pruned or greatly enriched. So the main story is a page-turner. READABILITY: 75%
Summary: it's well worth reading and easily amongst the better fanfics available but if past perfect tense and storytelling were fixed it could have been really great. SUMMARY: 75%Author's Response: Thanks for the review. You and I have very different opinions as to use of the past perfect tense, but I do not feel like arguing about it. Most people overuse it or use it improperly, in my opinion, and my avoidance of it is quite intentional. Suffice it to say I disagree with that part of your review, but the rest of it is fair. I especially agree with the epilogue, as I rushed that tremendously in order to finish the story before Deathly Hallows was released (as I had promised my readers). In fact, the whole last third of the story was rushed for that reason.
I appreciate you taking the time to let me know your thoughts. G. Report Review
I enjoyed both your stories immensely. Bottom of the lake was my preferred story. I liked that the ending was less sad. I enjoyed your method of disposing of the horcruxes, it was an interesting way to deal with them and change Harry's character and make him more powerful in a believable manner.
I found the joke about being able to see through clothes very funny:)Author's Response: Thanks for the nice review. It's a rare pleasure nowdays to get a review, since the story is so old. I enjoyed writing the scene about the clothing, so I am especially glad that you enjoyed it too. G. Report Review
I liked this story also. You have a good way of telling a story.Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to read both of them. G. Report Review
Here I am, again..
I find this story not as good as your other one, it got potential to be really good, but I think that it lacks details in some of the areas. Like when Voldemort entered Hogwarts, it was all about him, and how he viewed the 'battle' or shall i say the loss of his force, I would love to have read it from the aurors point of view, especially from the mind of the auror who saw Voldemort the first. What he thought. And what he feeled, of course he/she would have been terrified but some thoughts about how he viewed Voldemort, his body, what he looked like and so on.. Not that many in the wizarding world who have seen him (without dying), his last thoughts..
And a bit more details on how the horcruxes changed Harry, like a chapter with just Harry thinking about, and feeling the changes inside him, battling it..(most people probably think thats boring, but i find it more interesting than every battle he has to make) and a bit more about how he acts in public with these changes.
And the way Snape died was a bit much, especially when he (in this story) remained loyal to Dumbledore.
Atleast Ron and Harry still remained friends in story!
As i previously mentioned, i'm not good with reviews, but I hope you make some sense of it.
I really liked the story, but it lacked some of the 'little' things.
Anyway, great story! Your a good writer, and I really hope that oneday, you will write more! :)
(sorry for the bad spelling, my phone really hate english!)Author's Response: Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I agree with much of what you say, but my "excuse" is that I promised to finish this before Deathly Hallows was released, and I ended up rushing the last ten chapters or so to meet that self-imposed deadline (which I did by a matter of hours). Had I given myself an extra two months, I think I would have done several of the things that you mentioned.
A few readers questioned the gruesomeness of Snape's death, but I felt that my version of Voldemort was seeming too weak, given his various infirmities. I thought that I needed to show that he still really was an evil, powerful, bad, bad man. Who knows, maybe I went a little overboard with it.
Thanks for taking the time to read both of my stories. G. Report Review
Congratulations, you put here a very good story. I'm sorry i didn't review until now (I usually was like "why don't people review?" - found the answer now). But i think it's worthy reviewing this. It's really good, in fact one of the best stories i ever saw on this site (following serpents sacrifice and oroborus light).
Well done, congratulations again on the work and...
looking forward to your next story if there's going to be one :D
-DanyAuthor's Response: Thanks for those kind words, and I am glad you enjoyed both of my stories. No plans on a new story. My fanfiction career is over, I think, though I will never say never. G. Report Review
So, harry has inherited some magical power, which is going to be explained in the letter?
on another note, this is the first fic I've read that has voldemort realizing that they are hunting horcruxes in the first few chapters.Author's Response: Not so much inherited as acquired, as the letter will explain. And it seems reasonable that Voldemort, who is a bright fellow, would wonder why Dumbledore didn't kill him when he had the chance at the Ministry. It doesn't take too much effort to figure out that he must know about the horcruxes. G. Report Review
I like the new perspectives that you are using, it's refreshing. This will probably be the last fan fic I read due to time constraints, I'm glad I picked this one.Author's Response: I tried to do something different with this story, so we'll see how you like it. Glad you are enjoying it so far. G. Report Review
[ Apparently these machines are extremely common. Hermione told us that her parents have one in their dental office, and one of our muggle-born members put one in her house.]
Did you mean that one of the muggle-born members of the OotP installed a fax machine at the burrow? If not, why couldn't hermiones parents install a fax machine?Author's Response: Not at the Burrow but in the unnamed muggle born Order member's house. The Grangers obviously could put a fax in their home, but they already have one at their office, so there is no need to have one at home. G. Report Review
I really enjoy the detail that you put into this story. Are you a professional writer?Author's Response: Not a pro, that's for sure. I do write a lot in my job, but nothing like this. I just try to describe what I see in my head. G. Report Review
Well, I already hate Draco.Author's Response: I'm not a Draco lover either, but I decided I'd make him a character in this story. I killed him off pretty quickly in Serpent. G. Report Review
Great job loved this and A Serpent's SacrificeAuthor's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed both stories. Thanks for your reviews. G. Report Review
I knew there was some reason you kept bringing Draco into the story i just wasn't sure if it would be for good or bad.
Great Chapter cant wait to find out what part Draco plays in the rest of the story.Author's Response: I killed him off quickly in Serpent's Sacrifice, so I decided to give him a bigger role in this one. G. Report Review
Liverpool *tut* I thought Harry would have more sense than to buy a Liverpool jersey, The only difference between Liverpool and a teabag is a teabag stays in the cup longer.
Apart from that the chapters are really interesting and make for great readingAuthor's Response: I'm afraid as an American, I don't know the ins and outs of English football. I just know that Liverpool is a well known team, and since that's where I sent Harry on his little "vacation," it was the easy choice. G. Report Review
I've just finished reading your other story A Serpent's Sacrifice
This seems like a interesting Story-line Im guessing that Evan is just a character you created and a interesting side story with his "friendship" with James and Lily. Looking forward to reading more.Author's Response: Yes, Evan is a new character, as in this story, I wanted to try to develop a character from scratch. We'll see how you like him. G. Report Review
I hate to say this, but this is as far as I'll read. I dont like the attitude adjustment, and that you just threw away a character that could have been interesting. the one from muggle school. But i will read your next story. whenever that will beAuthor's Response: Not sure I understand what you are saying, but no worries. You can't please everyone, and I've never tried to. Don't expect any more stories from me, however. I never say never, but I think my fanfiction days are behind me. G. Report Review
Excellent writing, the only thing I don't totally agree with is Harry and the Order didn't work enough together. And kinda sad for Snape for some reason I've taken a liking to the guy.
Probably since reading part of Harry Potter and the Coven of Hogwarts where Snape is Harry's real Dad.
Hope you decide to make more book of your fanfics where good reads.Author's Response: Yes, Snape had to be sacrificed in order to show that Voldemort, despite his ailments, could still be a bad, bad dude. Regarding the Order, there have been a zillion stories like that, so I wanted to go a different direction.
Glad you enjoyed my story, and thanks for taking the time to review. G. Report Review
It was good! I thought it was more polished than Serpent's Sacrifice though I guess that one had more readers. I would point out, though, that to closely study a text is to "pore" over it, not "pour" over it. As though you were studying so hard it made you sweat!Author's Response: Rats! Guess I missed that one. I'll fix it when I get the chance. Glad you enjoyed the story. I agree that my writing was more polished in this story, largely because I had already written Serpent before, but I think Serpent has more of an epic, canon feel to it, which is why it seems to be more popular. I like the the two of them about the same. G. Report Review
Hey man, are you considering doing an 8th book kind of thing?Author's Response: Nope! Fanfiction days are over, I'm afraid, though I'll never say never. Not planning anything, though. G. Report Review
i really luved ur take on the story, it was awesome. 10's all around.Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. G. Report Review
wow that is one big plan can't wait to read what happens next. 10's all around.Author's Response: Quite a bit on the plate to start. Welcome aboard. Hope you enjoy the ride. G. Report Review
I enjoyed your story very much. In fact, after I read it, I went back and read most of it again, along with the first couple hundred comments and your responses.
I loved DH and HBP, and consider JKR to be in the company of C.S. Lewis and Tolkien in the realm of British Christian classics. Her Harry Potter books transcend teen romance, which is what you have written in this story. She has covered many other genres all at once. The books of John Granger and others have a lot to say about this, so I won't go into it here. I say this not to denigrate what you have done here, because I will admit that your Harry/Hermione romance is quite satisfying in its way. While I understand why Rowling planned her character relationships they way she did, and even agree with it, emotionally I have always wished that my two favorite characters had ended up together. It was pretty obvious that this was not to be, even as early as Chamber of Secrets.
Highlights of your story for me:
Harry and Hermione's budding romance. Well done for the most part, and quite believable. I wish Hermione had been a little more her brilliant and assertive self. She was a little too submissive at times. JKRs Hermione is one of her really great accomplishments. I can see why you can call her last volume Hermione Granger and the Deathly Hallows. I too wished for more spark between H/H on that camping trip, and what was there, in front of Harry's parent's grave, and a little later on the hilltop were very affecting for me. I think the chasteness of Rowling's version has a special appeal.
Ron. You nailed him. Ron's and Hermione's discussion while Harry was in the lake was very touching. Most Rowling like.
I enjoyed Evan, your original character.
Your conception of Voldemort was most original. You kept him a sadistic monster, but added other layers. You surpassed JKR's DH Voldemort, who as other have pointed out, seems almost a hapless James Bond villain.
Wormtail was well done, again better filled out than JKR. A mention of the special bond that he has with Harry that came from Harry saving his life in PoA would have been nice.
Ginny and her disappointment were well handled.
Draco, Narcissa, Wormtail and Snape got what they had coming to them. I would have wished for a little less detail of Snape's demise.
I realize that you have moved on, and anyway have intended this story to be semi-canon, and it was written on a tight deadline. I wish you would revise it a little to fit it with Rowling's previous work a little better. Things like Nagini's gender, Luna's father's name, Wormtail's murder of Cedric Diggory, etc are a little distracting. Still, this story is the best Harry/Hermione ship that I've seen that I would consider letting my nine year old daughter read. It will stand for many years for those of us who have a secret desire that Harry and Hermione had ended up together.
Next, I'll read your other fanfic. But not yet. My wife hasn't appreciated me being glued to my laptop the past couple days!Author's Response: What a pleasant surprise to receive such well-thought-out comments. I am happy to spend some time on a response.
While I truly admire JKR's accomplishment, I can't help but feel that the series did not achieve what it could have, as the final two books simply did not match the excellence of the first five, in my opinion of course. And I am not speaking because of the ultimate relationships. They became clear by Order of the Phoenix (if not before), and even though I did not completely agree with them (especially Ron-Hermione), I accepted it and really did not care. I am glad you enjoyed DH and HBP, but I most definitely did not, and certainly my disappointment with HBP affected how I wrote both of my stories.
I agree that Hermione was too passive in this story; however, one of my primary objections to canon is that Harry so often is such a useless wimp, expecially in DH where he was completely worthless for 95% of it, whereas Hermione was unrealistically infallible. I did not want Harry to be an all-powerful being, but I guess I like my heroes to be at least a little heroic. But you are absolutely correct that I toned Hermione down too much.
I was much more pleased with Ron in this story than in my other one, and I'm pleased that you agree. Also, I am not a Ginny-hater, so I tried to treat her sympathetically, even though she gets the short end of the straw in this story, so to speak.
As you note, I definitely tried something different with Voldemort, and I'm not entirely sure that it worked. In fact I thought that I was making him look a little too non-frightening early on, which is why I got a little graphic in his torture/murder of Snape. I wanted the reader to know that Voldemort was still an evil, dangerous dude.
I too was satisfied with Evan, my original character. One of my goals was to develop an important OC, as my first story really does not have one. I spent a lot of time developing him as a person, and I think his relationship with Harry is one of the strengths of the story.
You also hit the nail on the head in recognizing that this story was written on a deadline, and I am certain that it would have been better had I spent another couple of months on it. I have gone through it to fix a few things here and there, and in a perfect world I would give it a top to bottom edit, but to be honest I lack the energy and motivation.
I sincerely hope that you read A Serpent's Sacrifice after you have given your wife some attention. LOL. It is a canon story, and I think you will find much of it interesting. While there is romance in it, there is less of it until the end, and the story touches on a number of important life issues. Hermione is a bit more herself, though Harry is still most definitely the hero. Feel free to make comments as you make your way through it, as I always value well-reasoned input.
Thanks again for taking the time to write your wonderful review. G. Report Review
that is an interesting way to handle your shopping trip. Harry is doing an excellent job at putting the wizarding world on notice.Author's Response: As I like to say, this Harry has a little Clint Eastwood in him. G. Report Review
it looks like the race is on now that there is only one piece of the soul left. it will be interesting to see if Harry can get there first or will Voldemort will reclaim his missing soul.Author's Response: Will Harry get there first, or Voldemort? Or will they arrive at the same time? Read on! G. Report Review
Poor Severus, ow well he choose his bed now he has to lay in it, or take a dirt nap in it. this story is going well cant wait to see what happens next.Author's Response: Yes, I didn't treat Severus very nicely, but I had to show that old Voldie is still a bad dude. G. Report Review
well it seems we have found one of the downsides to absobing a evil wizards soul. it is interesting that Harry took more offense to a slight against Hermione then his lack of planning.Author's Response: Harry's personality is becoming quite unpredictable, and it is something that he is going to have to deal with. And he still has more horcruxes to absorb. G. Report Review
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