That was so great! I loved it! "I felt like my heart was on fire, you've been crying at least for a half hour now and my heart's been on fire for the past half hour, and every time a tear streamed down your cheek, my heart felt like someone had held a match to it." That is so sweet and romantic! Knight in shining armor doesn't seem like a good enough desciption of Harry after he said something like that. Great work! 100!Author's Response: thanks so much!! i'm so glad you liked it!! Report Review
Aww, that was so sweet. Harry to the rescue.Author's Response: Thanks so much! really glad you liked it! Report Review
Hello, it's ladyemma, author of Happily Ever After? I just wanted to let you know that the squel is up, and it's called the Powers Within. But now onto the review:
The spacing was a bit annoying. See, 2 spaces, like this:
is enough. And it doesn't cause a lot of scrolling down.
Her laughter turning into soft silent tears, streaming down her face. I think you meant laughter turned into silent tears, not turning.
Also, I think they would care what Ron thought. Maybe not anyone else, but Ron definately.
Other than that, I really enjoyed it, and I am going to add it to my favorites! ^_^
Author's Response: hey thanks heaps I'll check it out when I have the time. I'm doing my final year of high school so that's taking most of my time.
thanks for reviewing, means a lot to me.
Vithiya Report Review
i loved it =]
.x.Author's Response: thanks so much!!! Report Review
Hehe, well, given your penname, I didn't expect a Harry/Hermione story. (o: Anyway, it was cute, though some things sat funny to me. For example, "I guess it's you, instead" hehe. It just made me think, if a guy said to me, "I guess it's you instead," I would not at all be thrilled or flattered. Like, oh darn, Ron's taken, I guess she'll have to go with Harry. Bummer. (o: I know that's not what you meant, per se, but those are the thoughts that swam in my mind.
Harry was pretty bold about his feelings, and he's usually not. But then again, if something's going to happen, he'd have to confess. (o: Anyway, it was really cute and a nice surprise from a penname like yours! (o:Author's Response: Yea I made a lot of mistakes, I know I don't think I was thinking.
Thanks so much for reviewing!
Oh yea about the story i plan on doing a story on each ship, even if I like it or not. just a thing I want to do. Except school is killing me and I have a lot of stuff going on so HPFF s going on old for a bit.
But thanks so much for the review! meant a lot, sorry about the mistakes. Report Review
It was cute. i think that if you wanted to do another chapter, you should make ron fine with the whoe relationship but have a twist and make someone totally unexpected in love with hermione, and then try and wreck the couple. very good job.
im putting it on my favorites to keep an eye on it.
good luckAuthor's Response: hi! thanks heaps! i'll think about it, its a great idea!! thanks 4 the review! Report Review
i loved itAuthor's Response: Yay! Thank you so much! Report Review
how cute...thanks for the reviewAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! glad you liked it! Report Review
Hey there Vithiya,
I just saw your responses. I've been checking back here and there, and started wondering.
As to the review, don't think that this story is full of errors, 'cause it's not true! The story on a whole is good, very good! All I was saying was that the ending could just use some tuning is all. I really don't want you to get discouraged or anything, thinking there's problems with your story, 'cause there isn't. The whole concept is good, and the beginning, as I said, is great! It's wonderful! I just thought that you might like a suggestion for the ending, 'cause I (personally) thought it could go another way.
You could easily leave the story how it is, and it would still continue to do great! It would, trust me! The storyline for it is very believable, and it makes people get all nice and warm/fuzzy with reading it. I was just offering some advice, that's it.
Just please don't think I was saying the story is riddled with errors, because that's definately not the case Vithiya. I am sorry if I got you upset with my review. In all honesty, it took so long because I wanted to make sure you realized I did like the story.
Again, sorry Vithiya for giving the wrong idea.
8 / 10, because again, if it was no good, it would get a no-good rating right? 8 is definately not a no-good rating. Keep it up, and I hope your writing for your other story is coming along! We're all eager to see where you bring the story next.Author's Response: Hey Chris!
thanks for the review. and for boosting my confidence about the story. i dont think i'll be writting for a while.
one of my uncles has just passed away today and your review made me smile as all i've been doing today is crying. my father told me to do something i enjoyed so i came online but you wont see me for a while with the funeral and all.
thank you for the review. it meant a lot as did the rating. so thank you Report Review
Other than a few grammatical errors and repetition, I thought it was very sweet. I enjoyed it very much. :-)Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing, I know you're busy. Thanks for enjoying the story. Report Review
It was very good!Author's Response: Thank you soo much! thanks for reviewing Report Review
Could you believe I hit the word limit for that review? Wow, I have too much to say, especially this early in the morning . . . :)Author's Response: LOL either that or that my story had too many things wrong with it.
probably the second one =D Report Review
Hey there Vithiya,
I’m here! I should be sleeping, well, I should have gone to sleep hours and hours ago, but my sleep pattern's all messed, so I'm staying up to hopefully correct it (hopefully).
Overall, I think the story is alright. The first half is really good, but the second half--where Hermione sits down and starts laughing, and then Harry comes and such--I think that part brings the story down a little.
I like the beginning. Not really telling us outright why Hermione is running, or where to. As we find out, we do feel bad for Hermione, and yeah, Ron kissing Lav is out of the blue here in your story, so it is surprising that he would be doing that, since we find out you do have him going out with Hermione. It's good that you also give some explanation as to how Ron and Hermione got together, and how they have been doing.
The first part of the story, there are some odd word choices here and there (ie. Hermione slowly stopped running and started to jog instead, her footsteps thudding heavily on the pavement. Etc etc - Why would there be pavement near the lake? The castle is made of stone--not pavement--but outside it would be grass, dirt, etc. Also, this flash of movement, what is it? What was it, was it anything important for that matter. She just starts laughing after this).
Harry coming up in the invisibility cloak I think was a good touch, I wouldn't have expected that. Hermione telling us about her and Ron's first date was good too, reminding us that yes, she does love Ron in your story.
Now, with Harry, the way he speaks, it's just . . . well, it's just not really Harry in the usual sense. He sounds like a romantic, trying to swoon a girl over. I mean, if he saw what happened, you'd think he'd be the supportive friend, and not try to ask her out just after seeing her b/f kissing another girl. It's quite shallow actually.
The cold thing, I thought that was a good thing, but I think it would have worked better maybe if you had her think what she said, but smile at Harry's way of saying "I brought you a cloak to stay warm".
As to his “I love you”, again, it just sounds out of place for Harry. I know it's a one-shot, but you can still take some time to let things work themselves out. You don't have to have Harry say "I love you" to Hermione. "I love you" means a lot I think, and I think JKR thinks the same way. Harry has (I believe) never said he loved someone yet. To just use it so casually here, and so quickly too, it just makes it sound less profound.
Plus, as I said, his timing. I mean, saying it was his "opportunity" isn't right, it's a horrible time for someone who has liked a girl to go ask them out. Harry must not have heard of "rebound" I guess. I mean, put yourself in Hermione's shoes: If you just found your b/f, who you've liked for years (probably one if not your first crush) kissing another girl, would you think your best friend is being honest and respectful to you if he just came up as you were crying over what you just saw to say "oh yeah, I love you, and have for years"? Most girls I know would yell at the guy for taking advantage.
But I'm getting way too psychological on this here. Basically, the last half seems rushed, and kind of takes away from the nice pace of the beginning. I'd slow things down a little more once Hermione gets sitting, and let her toil in the sadness for a bit. Harry would come, in the invisibility cloak, but he would be caring I think to Hermione. He would give her the cloak, and I think sit down to just be there with her. She'd appreciate Harry, and we'd hear some nice Harmony memories of Hermione about Harry, and she'd warm up to him a bit, like hold his hand or something. Harry wouldn't go for her lips, but would be Harry, and question if she is alright. Hermione would be herself, and (as your chapter title says) logically question herself, and Ron. She'd come to the conclusion that she somehow knew her and Ron wouldn't work in the end, and that she was just surprised by how fast she was proven right.
Harry would again, try to help, but being tactless with girls, would try to change the subject. Hermione would laugh at his horrible skills with girls, and would (again) look at some Harmony memories, like with Cho or perhaps Ginny (since in here, you have them broken up). Hermione could ask Harry about his love life, and he'd get uncomfortable 'cause of his interest in her, but she'd realize early that he had a thing for her. This of course would make her think a lot of Harry, and would excite her 'cause of her feelings to him.
Hermione would play with Harry a bit, trying to poke certain places where he could slip up, and all the while enticing him by--say--holding onto his arm, or moving closer. Harry would get uncomfortable, but he'd decide to play into it. He knew she was feeling terrible about Ron, but he could tell something else was going on. Yadda yadda yadda, some nice H/Hr stuff later, they'd kiss, and there's your ending.
Wow, that took longer than expected! But you see, an idea like that. Just take the ending, and really give it some fibre. You build up so much to Hermione feeling terrible and such, but then it just suddenly becomes happy and such when Harry shows up, and Harry says some odd stuff (for Harry anyways), and then it's the end.
Sorry about going on so long, or sounding like I don't like it Vithiya, I do. It is a good--scratch that--very good first time one-shot. I know this is long even for you (1400+ words), but if you just played out the ending more, I think it would make it all the better.
Either way, keep it as is, and it's great. :) Good job Vithiya!
8 / 10Author's Response: Howdy, I just got back from camp on Friday, rested, caught up on homework, came online and saw this gigantic review from a certain author. So thanks for getting around to reviewing, now I'll defend myself =D and take your comments on board.
For the bit about the pavement I can honestly tell you I wasn't thinking. I didn't even notice it.
And yes I do agree about the second half of this story. It was bad, I'll give you that. I guess I was just so intent on finishing it and I wasn't thinking right. And we all know that my writting skills aren't all that good. But even when I was writting the second half I didn't like it but I had no idea how to fix or change it.
You didn't like Harry, well I can't write Harry all that well I've found.
Thanks for the alternative ending, if I have time then maybe I'll change it.
Thanks Chris for the review. I'll let you know if/when I change it. And thanks for the rating, Much appreciated. Report Review
i think it was really good u should carry it on five out of fiveAuthor's Response: hi! thanks for your opinion but i really think that's all my brain is up to!
thanks for reviewing! Report Review
It rocksAuthor's Response: hi! thanks for the review! made me smile!
thanks again! Report Review
Here i am, as promised. Honetly, i'm quite fascinated with this story. At first, i thought you'd finally given up to your penname and decided to do a Ron/Hermione fic, but then i carried on reading and i discovered you didn't. I have to say, i love it.
Seriously, it's really good, and from what i've seen, you're writing had improved a huge lot! I hope you update your other story soon, and keep on writing these cute one shots!
Really, it's really cute, i love it, and it's on my fav's list! 10/10
SummerAuthor's Response: Hi! I was actually waiting for you, however stalker-ish that may sound, I was waiting for you're opinion!
I'm planning on doing a fic with each ship, well not every ship, i'd be writing forever! But mainly with h/hr.
I'm glad you loved it! I love all your stories and can't believe you actually loved mine! I'm really glad my writing's improved, i actually looked over this one lots!
I really am trying to update my other story but school is drowning me with H/w, seems that being in my final year of high school is tough stuff!
And YAY! for it going on your fav's and getting a 10/10!!
thanks for your review! much appreciated! (sp?)
Vithiya! Report Review
Great One Shot it was well written I can't believe Ron did that to poor Hermione with Lavender of all people well they truly deserve eachother with Harry and Hermione getting together SWEET if only Harry in JKR books was like that seriously he needs a good slap on the head that should wake him up and see Hermione!
Can't wait to read your next story!
Chrissy Author's Response: Hi! thanks for reviewing!
well I know stupid Ron! I do love him really but I nedded a reason for Harry and Hermione to get together and intro Lavender. I thought she was a worthy candidate to have Ron cheat on Hermione
If only JKR would do that in the books but no I know for sure that it'll be R/Hr *sigh*
But thanks so much for reviewing!!
Vithiya Report Review
Wow I loved it and poor Hermione after what Ron did to her I mean who would go out with Lavender? 10/10Author's Response: hi! yay my first review for this story thank you soo much!
Ron's an idiot, Lavender's a twit, it's a good match i thought! =D
thanks for the review! and the 10/10! after a really crappy day, your review made me smile! Report Review
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