Reading Reviews for My angels, My saviours
  
28 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Missy My angels, My saviours

25th November 2007:
God!! This the 4th time I have cried today!!! I dont remember did he really die in the book? Oh yeah he had kids didnt he later? DOes anyone know with whom? Oh well. anyways it was really good. 9/10

Author's Response: Yes but as you can probably see, this fic was written before DH so... He didn't di but I made him die. lol

Elven


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Review #2, by unicornfluff My angels, My saviours

28th July 2007:
LOVED IT!!!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review,
Elven


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Review #3, by norapotter My angels, My saviours

20th July 2007:
I'm crying right now. Literally. Heartouching story. It's fine just as it is but this would make a wonderful novella. If it weren't all in flashbacks. But at the same time, it may or may not have the affect of readers crying as this is. I wouldn't know. Your the author, you can decide. But I just wanted to say that this was a wonderful story.

Author's Response: Thank you.
I know I may have made it melodramatic but I like it.
Again thank you for the review, it is hearttouching to me.

Elven


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Review #4, by mysticalshadows My angels, My saviours

12th July 2007:
you made me cry. wahhh... brilliant speech. loved it. 10/10

Author's Response: * hands over some tissues *
Don't cry.
The speech, I doubted if it was still in character for Hermione.
Thanks for the review,
Elven


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Review #5, by pisceandreams My angels, My saviours

10th July 2007:
OMG!! That was beautiful!!

Author's Response: Thank you.
Elven


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Review #6, by nowandforever36xo My angels, My saviours

9th July 2007:
awww that story was so sad. but it was so good. i loved it. 10/10

peaceout muchloveee
~Jessy~

Author's Response: Thanks Jessy,
Elven


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Review #7, by glorygirlXOX14 My angels, My saviours

19th June 2007:
Alright, Draco/Hermion stories are personally my favorite, because it's different, and it's all other people's personaly opinions, and I'm picking with how they are and when you had Draco asking Hermoine not to leave him, in the begining, and showing her his mark, I think you put it way too fast, but the story is a one-shot, so I guess it's okay. But I'd love to have a sequel to it, to explain a bit more to it, like what happens more to Hermione's baby.


Author's Response: Thanks for the review,
Elven


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Review #8, by Might Have Ben Hur My angels, My saviours

18th June 2007:
There was a very poetic sense about it. I like how it tied in with the actual book. Very well done on that. There were a few typos, nothing spell check would catch though. If I had to have a problem with it, which I really don't, I'd say the flow broke every now and then with overly used words. It was very full of emotion, but not in a shoving-it-down-your-throat kind of way. Briliant job. Oh, and one of my pet peeves- numbers under ten should be written out. It's not a huge deal, just kind of erks me. ;-)

Author's Response: Okay.
Thanks for the review,
Elven


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Review #9, by Blue Flame My angels, My saviours

18th June 2007:
Aww such a sweet fic, I was nearly crying at the end.

Two things that I want to point out before the many compliments i have for this wonderful fic. First, when you have a number under 10, write it out as five instead of putting '5'. Also, the second thing was I would have liked to learn more about their relationship and Hermione's child, perhaps a sequel?

Ok, good things. You have an excellent descriptive talent in this story, and i love how you have Narcissa and Hermione brought together by their love for Draco, that was a touching point in the story, and it nearly had me in tears to imagine the two women, so distraught with grief, brought together by Draco.

Very cute way that you brought Hermione and Draco together as a couple, and the scene with Hermione lecturing Voldemort and Harry on making children parentless was something that I could totally see Hermione doing.

Great story, 10/10 and thanks for requesting me to review this story :)

♣Cait

Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the many compliments.
* blushes *
This fic is the first fic I've ever written.
I got it updated and beta'd and it got all my care.
It's like my baby, you know.

I was trying hard to keep Hermione in character there.

Thanks for the review,

Elven


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Review #10, by ChizzaLazty My angels, My saviours

8th June 2007:
The Last-Battle-Scene was a bit odd, because I don't think Voldemort would've stopped fighting just because of a "mudblood" and a "traitor". Also, the bathroom scene was a little clichè. There were a few spelling mistakes, but nothing big.

Apart from that I really liked it. The part about Narcissa and Hermione, I really loved. It seemed realistic, in a way. I also have to say that the first four lines were incredibly beautiful. As were the, I would say almost poetic, lines about when Hermione came to the graveyard. I mean, I love lines like "the sun hadn't even given a thought to rising". So I think the whole piece was beautifully written.

Perhaps it was a bit short? I don't think you should've added anything after the ending you have - it was amazing, but perhaps something about their daughter...?

Anyways, I liked it very much. I'm sorry I didn't write more, I think the keyboard I'm writing this on is mad at me for some reason, because it won't do anything right. But anyways, this was sweet and sad and well written, so I want to say good job and good luck with whatever you're writing...

And don't worry about "using up my time", as you implied on the forums, I don't mind reviewing your stories at all - quite on the contrary, actually :p

Christina

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
* beams *
Your reviews always make my day!!!
Their daughter yes.
I think I should've left her out though.
Maybe because I didn't thought she was that huge in this one-shot.

Thanks again Chizza,

Elven


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Review #11, by draco_zelda My angels, My saviours

7th June 2007:
that was really good!
(its shecka btw)
I really,really,really *5 minutes later* really liked it
nothing really bad at all lol

rating-10!

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
* beams *
Thank you shecka,
I appreciate your review a lot!

Elven


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Review #12, by VampireKisses My angels, My saviours

5th June 2007:
Hello! I'm here ready to give you your long awaited review. I don't know about you as an author but for me personally I'd rather get a brutally honest, constructive critique which would help me evolve int a better writer than gushing and gushing about me being something I'm not. So, please I beg of you don't cry if I'm too harsh!

The best thing about your writing in this particular one shot is your descriptions. You were very descriptive and they were written beautifully, so congratulations. The only thing I had a problem with was Draco's tombstone. It just didn't seem like the beautiful tombstone you obviously thought it'd be. It was way too simple and I think that for you to get a really good mind picture of the tombstone you should ave been more descriptive. Instead of:

"Draco Malfoy
Son-father-lover"

Maybe it should have been something like:

"Draco Malfoy

Devoted Son, Loving Father" I know he died before he had his kid but the reader could tell he would have been an awesome dad like Rhett Butler was.

The things you definetly need help with are your characterizations and your dialogue. When I was reading this, I felt like you were channeling different people than Draco and Hermione and the other characters. I'm sure this would have been an even more lovely fic if you a) either used different characters like say Neville and Ginny? Or b) You used completely original characters. A helpful tip is to read the books and look closely at these characters, it realyl is helpful believe me. Now onto the dialogue.

This was worse than the characterizations. As I pointed out your characterizations were a wee bit off key which of course does most of the time lead to less than average dialogue. You made the bad characters seem less bad when they WERE supposed to be bad. Voldemort in particular. When he questioned about the baby, I really had ot shy away. It would be like Hitler asking you to a tea party and asking what's your favourite kind, you know? Voldemort would probably make Hermione lose her baby by a curse if you wanted to make him in character. If Draco was dying too, he wouldn't be exactly be speaking in full, fluent sentences (especially iif Voldemort was nearby.) Hermione could use work too, especially when she was at narcissa's. I really don't picture blurting out "I'm carrying his baby," the way oyu made her say that. That was probably the line that irked me the most. Narcissa was probably the most in character speaking wise. Action wise, I don't think she would hug Hermiuone the way she di without talking to her before and gotten to know her.

Please don't consider this a flame, I was only tryng to help!

XxVampireXx

Author's Response: I don't cry reading harsh reviews.
It's obvious you don't like the story and I respect you for it.
Oh yes, Hermione at Narcissa's.
The line seemed unnatural to me too but I couldn't really let her say it any other way.
I couldn't find any more natural way for her.

I tried really hard to keep Draco in character.

Thanks for your advise.

Elven


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Review #13, by HrXd My angels, My saviours

5th June 2007:
This was so well written, and the ending made me cry. I could really feel the raw emotion, and the way that you explianed the characters was flawless. I think that this was one of the best one shots that I have ever read.

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
Heh, *blushes*

Thank you for the lovely review,

Elven


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Review #14, by Chloe Kay My angels, My saviours

24th May 2007:
Wow...that was absolutely heartwrenching!

You have a such a fantastic way of setting up the scene and describing everything so perfectly, it just makes the whole story even more powerful. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of Dramione stories like these because they tend to be so cliche and ridiculous, but you wrote this beautifully and I enjoyed reading it. I loved that you included the bit about Narcissa, and how she was also so controlled by Lucius that should couldn't even think about talking to Hermione. It really showed the hold he had over his whole family.

I did find a few typos that you may or may not already be aware of -

...named Hermione Granger, and he continued her journey passed unfamiliar headstones.

“Yes you did told me to go away,” she replied.

I think that was it...anyways, great story!

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
I love it that you like the story.
You don't like Dramione?!
Hmmm, there are a lot of cliché's in most Dramione's I must agree on that.

Elven


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Review #15, by _Emma_ My angels, My saviours

23rd May 2007:
Well done, the story is really good.

Emma xx

Author's Response: Thanks!!!

Elven


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Review #16, by no name 101 My angels, My saviours

22nd May 2007:
tissues please. this is so sad...

Author's Response: * gives tissues * Don't cry!

Elven


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Review #17, by sunshinedreamr My angels, My saviours

22nd May 2007:
Great job :) I especially loved the flashbacks.

Author's Response: Thanks, I worked reall hard on them.

Elven


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Review #18, by SlytherinPrincess4eva My angels, My saviours

21st May 2007:
beautiful!!! i love it!!!

Author's Response: Why thank you!!!

Elven


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Review #19, by BlackDemonANgel My angels, My saviours

21st May 2007:
Omg this is so sad it really good trust me its awsome!

Author's Response: Thank you!!!

Elven


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Review #20, by taylorj828 My angels, My saviours

20th May 2007:
Here is your review. Sorry that I was a bit delayed!
First of all, you have lots of specific grammatical/etc errors. For the first part of the story I began marking them, but it was taking quite awhile so I had to stop. Anyway, here are the ones in the beginning, plus comments on things I liked:

The war had been won by her side but she had lost, yes she had lost. Great line.

filled with sorrow and grieve ant the twinkle had moved out to another pair of eyes. Should be ‘grief’ and ‘and.’ Also I like how you said the tinkle moved to another pair of eyes. That statement is a curious enigma to me. Hrmm..

This woman was called Hermione Granger. This line isn’t really needed, but it’s fine if you like it. (o:

It was fall; the leaves were falling down on the ground, This sentence would flow better if you didn’t use both fall and falling. You can switch to autumn, or instead of falling say cascading or fluttering. Varying your vocabulary will really kick your descriptions up a notch.

The graveyard had grown fond of her as it felt her tears falling on the ground everyday near one grave. I like the idea of the graveyard being fond of her.

As she read the words over and over again while hoping they were a bad dream. This is a fragment. You can take out the ‘as’ to make it a complete sentence. You could also take out the ‘while.’

her lovers grave. Yes her lovers! Both should be ‘lover’s’
New speakers and their lines in dialogue are always begun on new lines.

“Yes you did told me to go away” she replied. Should be ‘did tell’ or just ‘told’ and no did.

“No” she said stubbornly yet calm and sat down next to him. Should be calmly.

but she did knew that he needed someone right now Should be ‘did know’ or ‘knew’ with no did.

She was scowling at herself, she was helping and talking sincerely to her enemy. Instead of a comma use a semicolon ‘;’ after herself.

but istead he broke again Should be instead

She did not knew what horrible thing Should be ‘did not know’
“Why?”, she asked, “Why did you took the mark?” Should be ‘take’

--Here I am going to stop marking typors, errors, etc. --

Alright, you have lots of errors and mistakes with punctuation, wording, formatting, spelling. Other than that, you have a nice story and you’ve worked well at the descriptions and some of the emotions. The biggest thing to help you will be a beta reader. This person reads your story before you post it and helps you catch all the errors. I’d suggest you try Betas R Us (you can search on the internet.) You can also try the forums, there's a specific area for Requesting Betas in Help Needed. (o:

Author's Response: I know what a beta is.
This was my very first thing I ever wrote so it is worse than all my other stories in grammar and I already have asked a beta to do this.
I should update this soon.

Elvengirl


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Review #21, by Dark_One My angels, My saviours

19th May 2007:
What a touching story! It was so beautifully written and full of such emotion! This line really touched me and I though that it was the best line in your best one-shot! “You with your war make peoples lives miserable, how many mothers aren’t able to say a last goodbye to their sons or daughters because they died by your hands?” I hope you keep writing stories like this! They are truly beautiful! 20/10!!

Author's Response: Wow. * blushes *
Thanks for the compliments. :)
I had a lot of bad critic on this story. You must be one of the first to say that you liked it that much.

Thank you so much Dark_One,
I have enjoyed your reviews!

Elvengirl


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Review #22, by Elesphyl My angels, My saviours

19th May 2007:
Okay. This story had a bit of a "See Spot. See Spot run. Spot runs very fast." feel to it, and I don't mean to be cruel. I think you should work on your descriptions, making everything ... flow a tad better because right now the story is fragmented. Here, I'll try to explain:

“I’ll take it Dot” she informed one of the house-elves. Narcissa opened the door. “Yes?” she said on a nasty tone. She saw the ring she had given her son to give to the right girl on the woman’s finger. “Draco died” the woman choked out, “ I’m carrying his baby.”

to

"I'll take it, Dot," she informed the teetering house-elf, and strode on to open the door.
"Yes?" she answered nastily, before spotting the ring she had given her son. Glimmering in the light, she remembered it as the ring she had offered him to slip on the right girl's finger.
She gazed at the woman's tear-streaked face.
"Draco died," she choked out, "and I'm carrying his baby."

Now I just wrote that off the top of my head but it's slightly smoother.

Now on the plot, it was kind of confusing and the transitions were nonexistent. Try to feel the emotions as you write them, otherwise it just is..empty.

Kali

Author's Response: Yeah, I know the grammar in this story is horrrible but I'm getting it beta'd. It was my very first fic, you know. My very first and I was still insecure about it.
But now I think it has the right idea behind it but I need to give it an entire update. I'm planning to do that soon.

Elvengirl


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Review #23, by Nevillefan My angels, My saviours

18th May 2007:
Hi there :) Thanks for asking me to review.

First off, your summary... The summary itself isn't bad but you write 2 instead of two. And you have R&R please right there in the summary. If you hadn't asked me to review...well, I probably would have skipped right over your story entirely because of those two things... Sorry, but if you look for the Summaries topic in the Writer`s school/resources forum, you'll see I'm not the only one.

Speaking technically, I get that English is not your native language, but it's grief not grieve and it's dead not death. You should also watch your word usage, like knew when it should have been know...but I think English grammar will come with time and practice. Don't use the excuse of English not being your native language for not listening to people who are trying to help you get it right. If I were to attempt a story in Spanish and I got things wrong, I'd listen to the native Spanish speakers who pointed out things I would be doing wrong. Learn from the mistakes, don't just shrug your shoulders and say it's not your fault. And remember the Thesaurus is your friend! You use a lot of the same words repeatedly. Some vocabulary variety will help. And when you're speaking of numbers, you need to write the number out. “You and her are my 2 angels, my 2 saviours!" Instead of writng 2, you need to write the word two. You also have a bunch of dialogue (people speaking) where it's all one big paragraph. Grammar wise, it's every time a different person speaks, you make a new paragraph. For example:

“I told you to go away!” he snapped. “Yes you did told me to go away” she replied. “Then go!” he shouted maddened. “No” she said stubbornly yet calm and sat down next to him. She didn’t knew why she was helping him but she did knew that he needed someone right now and that she couldn’t leave without trying to help.

Needs to become:

“I told you to go away!” he snapped.

"Yes you did told me to go away” she replied.

“Then go!” he shouted maddened.

“No” she said stubbornly yet calm and sat down next to him. She didn’t knew why she was helping him but she did knew that he needed someone right now and that she couldn’t leave without trying to help.


See how much more clear that is? It's not clear who's speaking what when it's all bunched up in one paragraph.

Story wise, I really like this. There's some plot holes, I think. Like, where's the baby? Is Harry watching the baby so Hermione can come to the graveyard day after day to cry her eyes out? Is Hermione glad to have the baby? Does the baby make her happy? Does the baby make her sad? Other than mentioning the baby in passing, it doesn't really seem to play a part in who Hermione is now.

I like the part Narcissa plays in this. And I love how you phrase the graveyard knowing them...good stuff there. I like how you did the flashbacks, making them a part of Hermione's view instead of just stopping the story for a flashback. I'm not entirely sure I like the change in POV with Narcissa at the end though. It's not bad but I'm just not sure I like it a lot. Through the whole thing it's done with Hermione and Hermione's flashbacks...and then all of a sudden we're thrown into Narcissa's flashback. But that's up to you, you could change it so Hermione's the one remebering her encounter with Narcissa and it still might work okay. Good work. Keep it up.

P.S. Still want me to review your other stories?

Author's Response: I know about the grammar.
When I write I skip my mistakes while I can point out other peoples mistakes I just can't find mine.
It also was the very first fic I had written, I think I'll let a beta check this story out however.
The baby will be more of a part when I'm done writing the sequel, I just wanted to introduce her.

Thanks for the review. Yes please, I would love it if you'd check out my other stories.
I'll use this critic and learn from it.


Elvengirl


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Review #24, by AlyRose My angels, My saviours

13th May 2007:
...That...

Was so sad.

Poor Hermione. u.u

Poor Draco.


But it was really really good!

The way you write is awesome.. it's so descriptive!

Very well written... I loved it.

Even though it was so very sad.

*Cryeth.*


Aly

Author's Response: Thanks!!!
It was supposed to be sad so I'm glad you thought it was sad.
Elvengirl


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Review #25, by awAND4awAND My angels, My saviours

13th May 2007:
that was an intersting one shot.
it is a nice idea for a story.
it was a bit fluffy, but thats alright.
great job!

Author's Response: Oops,I tried to make it Dark and Angsty but when I wrote it I just got carried away. So I know it is a bit fluffy.
Thanks for the nice review.
Elvengirl


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