You did such a good job reviewing my story; I wanted to return the favor, so I hope this helps you, like your reviews have helped me :) Ok to business.
1) Organization & Spacing: It's generally a well organized chapter, you never forgot to space in and out so the chapters easy to read so you get (2/2)
2) Paragraphs & Pacing: You don't really have any large paragraphs, mainly because it's such a short one-shot. You're pace is ok, slightly rushed though because of the shortness. (1/2)
3) Length: Extremely short (0/1) if you elaborate on descriptions, add more monologues you'll sort that out.
4) Grammar & Spelling: Impeccable o_0 if this is your first story than I wonder what your newer ones would be like, VERY impressive. (2/2)
5) Banner Summary: You have a very good Banner and Summary, definitely eye catching (2/2) However, you may want to say that she was rejected by Tom Riddle SR. as some readers are likely not to catch on seeing it the first time.
So your rating is (8/10)
I loved the plot Bunny, it's a very original idea, and you've definitely made the characters extremely real, I could just see it happening. Even though the story was so short and a little rushed.
All that's really stopping you from getting a 10/10 is the length, so if you just add a few lines here and there, add more description, and add more dialogue (Is it just me, or did Cecilia give in to Dot too easily?) so you have a lot of options on how to lengthen it.
I really enjoyed it, it was really fun to read, I hope this helped :D
Author's Response: hey Magic29
Thank you so much for the review! I really like your way of setting it out, like an assingment, it made me grin.
I think thats the major problem with the story, the length and that Cecilia gave into Dot too easily. I might have them argue a bit more to lengthen it out. Also the lack of description may be contributing a bit there.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I am very flattered you said my grammar and spelling was good, though I think the credit needs to go to my beta. ;)
Thank you again, ragnatela. Report Review
I really liked that... I could really understand Cecilia's point of view, though I somehow doubt she would have given into Dot that easily. Quite an interesting story idea, and nicely done!Author's Response: Hey thanks for the review. I probably agree with you about that, and should of done a monologue or something but yeah....
Thanks Again ^__^ Report Review
It was interesting. It was a very good plot idea. I think you could've added more to it, but it was good. I give you an 8 out of 10.Author's Response: Thank you very much =) I agree that I should of added more to it, but oh well. Report Review
Hey! this is a really good story!
I never actually thought of it that way, that Tom had actually left someone, a fiance, behind. Poor Cecilia, I do feel bad for her. It might acually be the best thing if she left little Hangleton. Maybe she'll be happy elsewhere.
I love Dot, in a sense. I liked the way you portrayed her as the town gossip, but then we see that she isn't that much of a gossip queen, as there are things that she doesnt know.
I really do like the way you've created this story. Another side of the Riddle catastrophe. And then when you think about it, if Merope hadn't cast the love potion, Tom Marvolo Riddle would never have been born. But then we wouldn't have had the Harry Potter series, or a Harry Potter fan fiction site, where I get to read fab stories like this =D
HarryginnyAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for the review harryginny!
I'm glad you liked Dot, as I tried to make it as though there was more to her than meets the eye. It would be interesting to write an AU where Voldemort was never born or something, you're review gave me that idea...
Thank you again =) Report Review
How could you bash such an original piece of writing? ITS WONDERFUL! This is what fan fiction is all about; showing what the author never showed us. I really liked this peice because it was very insightful to what might have acutally happened. Great job! -Valhalla Adonis-SnapeAuthor's Response: Thank you SO much. I was so suprised when I saw that I had three reviews, so I click back am like whoa! Thank you again, and I agree with you, that showing what the author never shows us is what fan fictions about. =) Report Review
Hello there ragnatela!
I saw you posted a story here, and felt, well, after giving me so many nice reviews, I'd return the favour, and read your story!
It's interesting, hearing this side of the story. I do remember Tom Riddle was in love with a woman, I just forgot her name. I like how you play on that dynamic of an upper-class woman abandoned for the daughter of the villiage tramp. I liked how you had her go and just want to be by herself.
Dot is an odd character, but I like how you characterize her with being a middle class woman, who looks like a lower class. Plus she's a gossip hound, so it plays really nice she's trying to find out what's up with the well known Cecilia.
The conversation I think went well, but I kind of wonder why Cecilia starts listening to Dot. I was expecting her to rudely get Dot away, then we'd hear a lot of inner dialogue about her thinking it all through, and wondering why it happened. It just felt like Cecilia just suddenly decided to do a 180 and tell Dot what was happening. It'd be a bit more interesting I think if you had Cecilia perhaps stick by herself, and drink a little, then Dot come over and have Cecilia just a little tipsy. Tipsy enough that she doesn't care if Dot knows, 'cause she just wants to tell someone.
Of course it's good Dot stops her before getting totally smashed. That wouldn't do well for her reputation. This first chapter is alright, and it does introduce the characters and situation fairly well. There isn't a whole lot of things going on here though. It's a little hard to figure out where the story is moving to. Will Cecilia look for revenge? Or will she try to win back Tom? It would be better I think if you had her actually say what she's planning (moving to London was an idea, but if that's the plan, the story won't really have much purpose). If she, for example, left the bar and muttered "I'll get him back, you watch it" or perhaps "I'll get that hag for doing this to me," then we'd know for sure what will unfold in the future chapters, and make the reader want to come back to find out how it's done.
It's a good start though, and I hope you keep getting good feedback!
8 / 10
ps - I just wondered, are you coming back to read? I haven't heard from you in a while, and wondered. I do miss your reviews. :)Author's Response: Hello circinusphoenix, and thank you so much for your review. .
Your ideas were so smart, using an internal monologue or making Cecilia tipsy. I think I may go back and edit this chapter adding your and GinnyRox's ideas.
This was only intended to be a one-shot, but now that you say so, I can see Cecilia trying to win back Tom (and get revenge). About the London thing, I always assumed thats were Merope and Tom went, mostly because we later see Merope at Borgin and Burkes but I could be wrong.
Thank you so much for your review and excellent ideas, and I will be coming back to read and review today. :) Report Review
Very interesting story idea! Now that I think of it could've been really likely that Tom Riddle left a fiance when he ran away with Merope. What gave you the idea to write this story?
I know this is your first story, so I won't criticise too much. But I do think that this plot could have had more to it. For instance you could've begun at the time where she found out Tom Riddle left and how she felt about that. But other than that and a couple spelling errors, this is pretty good : )Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's actually canon that he was with a girl called Cecilia, you may remember it (they were outside the Gaunt house), but I kind of took the name and run away with it.
I see what you mean when you say it should have had more to it. I think some time in the future I may add the first scene to it and then maybe something afterwards.
Thank you so much for reviewing =) Report Review
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