ok. sorry, but this pretty much sucks. You don't have any characterization at all, it's just he did this, she did that, I did blah blah blah...You don't describe the characters or make them your own. You seriously need a beta, the mistakes are numerous. The paragraphs and sentences are choppy and some of them don't even make sense. 3/10Author's Response: each to his/her own. Report Review
This looks good, glad you put it on the review circle else i might not have read it! Keep writing! =)Author's Response: thanks! i should update soon (if i don't get side tracked) so keep reading! Report Review
now that was just rather confusing...but i liked it!! again, i like the narrative tone. i feel like i'm watching someone's thoughts for sure...all scramled as thoughts tend to be!! great work! i think i'm getting the hang of your character!Author's Response: thanks!!!! that's good! Report Review
interesting hun. i like the narrative voice, even if it is rather bouncy...but i think it works. I'm very interested in your characters. so we have a few malfoy's, a zabini and a potter so far...should be fun!
i'll get to the other chapters soon!Author's Response: thanks. i'm out of town, so writing shall resume soon! Report Review
Very interesting. I'm not much of a fan of next generation fics, but this one has me scratching my head. I'm liking the characters you have created and the fact that it is in first person. That puts a different spin on it, very creative. It makes me wonder whats going to happen next?? Do update soon.
CelticAuthor's Response: thanks! i'm oput ofd town, but i'll surely start updating very soon! Report Review
i´m really liking your fic!
i´m in love with Ebony, she´s so great, and surely a Malfoy.
Now i´ll just wait for an update, hoping is going to have one soon!
=**Author's Response: i'll be updating soon! thanks! Report Review
See, I'm reviewing. Although I don't see the point since I beta-ed this chapter and left notes in the margins. Somehow I can't see Mrs. White as Tonks. I'm a Seer! Awesomeness!Author's Response: it's not Mrs.White persay.... Report Review
Very interesting story so far. It's certainly different, unless that's just me not reading very many next generation fics. One thing I really loved: Hermione Smith. I have imagined Hermione/Zacharias ever since Slughorn's party, and I just loved that.
One thing that was sort of a problem for me was all the names. She certainly has a lot of friends. Of course, that's probably just me with my one friend and all, so I don't think that's really a problem. You might want to go through and do a bit of polishing, too. Just to straighten everything up. And in the first chapter at the very beginning, you should move the A/N to the beginning of the chapter with a bit of explanation. A/Ns in the middle of the story tend to break the flow. Other than that, good story!Author's Response: i'm glad you liked it! hehe... i never thought about it like that (Hermione/Zacharias). well there are many people.... i probably will edit once i'm at a complete wrter's block. well thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh, how wonderful about the notebook/diary things that the girls write in. My friends and I used to do that in high school..no joke! I bought a lockable diary and we each took turns writing in it and updating our lives and thoughts to each other. There were 10 of us in my group in school, so that little bit brought back a few good memories :)
I'm still liking this story so far, I'm waiting to see what happened between Ezra and Eb..lol..Though, it was funny that he levitated her!!! Hope you update soon :)Author's Response: Yeah me and my friends do that to, that's where i got the idea! I'm updating soon! i'm glad you like my story and i'm pretty sure you'll be amused! Report Review
lol..Okay, great into here..I know a bit more about your characters :) But let me see if I can get this right?
If Ezra is a Zabini, and Draco's former wife is now Mrs Zabini, does that make Ezra Ebony's step brother? Or is Ezra born from a previous marriage?
With that out of the way, I still like this story..so onto the next chapter :) Author's Response: oh no! i'm sorry! i wrote that awfully. i just edited that, because it made no sense! here. Ebony was commenting on how she liked Ezra but it would be to typical if she married him. so the Ms. Malfoy was Ebony, and the Mrs. Zabini was her if she was to marry him. hope everything is cleared up! Report Review
You have some very interesting names in here. Bronte *snickers*...that reminded me of a joke among my classmates and myself. I'm liking it so far and writing in first person really makes it sound good. The brain tumor thing had me laughing too. I noticed a few typos and such as well, but overall, good job, hun!
Lia.Author's Response: no! not typos! i'll have to tell my beta. I thought it would probably be easier to write in first person. It shows emotions better. I thought the weird names would suit the weird people, besides JKR also has her odd names! thanks for the review!! Report Review
I've enjoyed this chapter so far, very entertaining :) Ebony sounds like she's quite the character..lol..Can't wait to read more.
Author's Response: i thought so too Report Review
Thank goodness for this explaination...it really does help inn my understanding of this little next generation world you have! Oh, please update soon!
Once again I can't review as much as I'd like (midterm week; gotta study) but one thing I have to say about this chapter is the paragraphs were really long; you might want to split them up a bit, like that part about Ezra in potions...might make an easier read...
Before I leave, I must say that I loved the part about her being a 'rabbit on drugs'; funny mental picture there!Author's Response: ok. the paragraphing thing can be done! i figured it would be ftting(the rabbit on drugs) because, well... you'll see. let's just say London is a bit spazzy Report Review
Oh, wow! I like this story...she's a Malfoy eh? With a temper...are you gonna tell us who the mom is?
Yeah, I've been telling you I'd read your story forever (i just remembered to when i was looking through off topic...i know im a bad person like that) And I'm so glad I started it! This one is going right in with my favs...
I like how shes a)not guy crazy but still has a bit of a crush b)she haas a violent temper and c) no houses at Hogwarts which makes sooo mcuh sense! Like to say more but your second chapter is calling me...Author's Response: yay!!! fav!!!! *huggles* thanks. if you read the authors note then you would know that the characters are based off real people Report Review
The first thing that I noticed were the mistakes in grammar. It was really hard to follow. So Hogwarts closed during the War, then opened again after the war. Who is Ebony's parents? Malfoy?
To be totally honest, Ebony sounds like an MS. Her name being a huge marker to that. You really go all over the place in this very short chapter. I'd suggest writing longer chapters and adding more description. Who are the people you are talking about? What do they look like?
From what I can gather from what you have written you have a pretty cool idea, If you grab yourself a beta I bet your fic would really be awsome. *Eli*Author's Response: hehe. i read over and realized it does jump a bit. ebony snt really a MS, and you realize that in a while. see this s kind off based on my friends and i, and i'm ebony and i wouldnt consider myself a MS (i'm not insulted. t's ok) there are longer chapters that are more interesting. chapter 2 should be coming up soon, if it hasnt been rejected for some reson which i do not know of. the next chapter explains who is who. and what everyone looks like. if you would beta that would be awesome!!!! Report Review
I saw your "I'll review, if you return the favor" thread. I thought I'd give your story a try.
Ebony's dad never liked Mr Potter, eh? Malfoy Manor? Her dad must have been a Slytherin. lol. The House system... I've always thought it was THE weakness of Hogwarts School. How can you ask people to be united if you start with sorting them into 4 different Houses and telling them they have to win points for their House? But the Houses were necessary to the plot, because of the Founders, I know.
Anyway, good start there. There are a few spelling mistakes (probably unintentional, but I like it when people tell me I made some - I swear my fingers have a life of their own! lol.), like those two "to" in the first part - they should be spelled "too". I'm no beta, though - English is not my first language. And it's always easier to point at other people's mistakes.
~AnneAuthor's Response: aw crap!!! typos!!!! i hate those. now you can probably guess WHICH slytherin he is. *cough* Draco *cough* but if youre confused about who s related to who that's in the next chapter. Report Review
good intro. it was missing some infromation, but I guess it's because it's introducing to the story.Author's Response: yeah, it's the intro. if it's missing character info, it's because it's all in thesecond chapter and thats in validation!!! Report Review
Cute story...but whose kids are the characters? j/w. keep going with this =]
[i was goose'd]
-NicoleAuthor's Response: thanks! when the next chapter is validated it tells who the parents are. and i might send out a character realtions profile. Report Review
This is a great start, but there are a few typos, that you may want to look at... I loved the detail that you put in this, and having two letters in the begining really helped the reader understand more as to what was really going on...hopw that you countine...
LoheeAuthor's Response: thanks for the typo warning!!!! thanks! this is probabaly the most detailed series (there will be a sequel) i'll do because this is a story about me and my friends, so i know exactly how this will end and how everything will flow. dont worry, i'm continueing(sp?)!!! Report Review
Hello! I'm finally reviewing, sorry it's taken me so long, but I've been so busy! This is an interesting story, but there's a couple things:
I think you should introduce us to the characters a bit more, giving us background information and such, describing the characters and how they ended up at Hogwarts, because frankly, I'm a bit confused. I don't get whose kids some of the characters are, and after reading it over, I understood that Ebony was Draco's child. I suggest adding much more information about the past and the character, and more detail.
GinnyWeasleyPotterAuthor's Response: thanks for reviewng! i hope that you continue to read this! if you read the next chapter, when it gets validated in a few days or so, it explains EVERYTHING, so baisically thats the chapter that has all the history and stuff. this was an intro to the whole story.
x hermione_rory7 Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection