I liked the ending, but I also think that the whole thing was a good beginning. You probably stopped writing this long ago, and might not really consider continuing to write this, but I still think it would make a nice story. Report Review
Harry's grown up a lot during his sixth year at Hogwarts, and he shows it in your fic. Good job.
~Anne Report Review
Nice piece. I like how it focused on that moment, when Harry started his adventure and said goodbye to his family. Living with you has made me realize that there is love in this world but to truly appreciate what you have you need to learn what it feels like to not be loved. That was my favourite line of the story. The ending was really sweet too. There were a couple of typos and run-on sentences (Hermione seemed to thing it was for the best that I try and take it before we got you that way if I messed up again I could take it again with you and have another chance before we set out to…well you know), but nothing that can’t be easily fixed. Good work!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing...I am going to be editing soon so thank you for mentioning the mistakes. Report Review
This was cute, although I imagined, in the scene with Uncle Vernon, that Harry would be yelling because of his temper.
Also, you used great vocabulary but it seems a bit unlike Harry to use words like that, that threw me, though in the rest of the story it's fine.
Hmmm...Uncle Vernon had never made him do so much work before, why now? And maybe you should write a bit about Dudley, laughing at Harry and shoveling food into his mouth, it might add to the scene.
The last paragraph kind of threw me. "Goodbye to his old life and hello to the future"? It sort of...I don't know, but it didn't seem to be the right thing to say there. The last sentence seemed a bit too unrealistic for me, too.
There were a few grammar and speling mistakes, but otherwise, good job!
I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, I'm just trying to help!!! =DAuthor's Response: Oh I am not offended and I appreacate what you are saying....I didn't want to make Harry yelling because I sort of thought back to the way Dumbledore talked to the Dursleys and I felt that after his death, Harry would like to follow in Dumbledores footsteps so to speak. Yeah I am not too thrilled with the last paragraph and was thinking of changing it.....thanks for the imput. Report Review
excellent story! this is the way I feel about the dursleys. very well portrayed. I'd have loved to see uncle Vernon's face when Harry said this to them LOL! you can countinue this story, you know. it's a good start to book 7!Author's Response: Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. Report Review
I really like this story, particularly the way that you show both Harry's delight and his slight regret at leaving, as it is a place he has been unhappy but still the only connection he has to his parents. I don't think I have ever seen that explored before, and I think it is very realistic. No matter how unhappy Harry has been there, it has been his home for seventeen years and he is bound to feel a little weird leaving.
I also like the way that you have him wishing he had a better relationship with his only surviving relative. That is a very interesting and very realistic interpretation.
Well, in the first line, I think "lying" would sound better than "laying." I would also put a comma before the "not" in the third paragraph.
There are a couple of mistakes in the fifth paragraph. The line, "Ever since Harry had been back at Privet Dr. Uncle Vernon had made him work no-stop as if he had realized that he only had a limited amount of time before Harry would be leave them and wanted to take advantage of the free labor" should say, "Ever since Harry had been back at Privet Dr., Uncle Vernon had made him work NON-stop, as if he had realised that he only had a limited amount of time before Harry would be LEAVING/would LEAVE them and wanted to take advantage of the free labour." (Well, "labor" if you are using the American spelling.)
I found the part about Harry enjoying seeing his uncle's face getting redder and redder kind of funny.
Harry's speech to his family was just perfect. He managed to remain calm, while at the same time making his feelings for them quite plain. I do not think I would have ever thought of giving him a speech like that, but it fits very well with some of the main themes of the Harry Potter series, such as the importance of love.
To be honest, I think you have a really good plotline here, you portray the characters' emotions very well and very realistically, you have everybody in character and you express yourself very well, but I do think you could proof read it again. As well, as the spelling and grammatical errors I already mentioned, there are a couple of others. This is an excellent story, so it would be really worth correcting them and making it really perfect.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing....I am going to be re-editing it again soon so thanks for the help! Report Review
I saw your message in the forums so i decided to come review this!
I loved this! I liked how you wrote Harry, Ron and Hermione because they all seemed exactly like how JKR would write them, especially in that scene. And I liked what you had Harry say to the Dursleys and how none of them went OOC (i.e. Aunt Petunia) and were like "no harry! we loved you!" (trust me, I've seen that done a bunch of times).
I thought that the message was a really nice one without completely hitting the reader in the face, which is good because the reader is taught a lesson without being lectured.
I think that this would work if you kept it a one-shot or expanded it. Personally, I think it works really well as a one-shot because it is extremely simple and beautiful!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing....I needed to hear that someone actually liked this story! Report Review
What a wonderfully written fic you've got here! I enjoyed reading it.
There were certain lines that put a smile on my face here, like when said Harry walked into the burrow's kitchen. and was wished a happy birthday from his real family.I thought that was sweet.
There were a couple of things I picked up, however, that might want to fix. Don't worry, they're all little. 9 paragraphs down from the top, Uncle Vernon says “How do you accept to stay in this house if you don’t earn your keep?” I'm almost positive that 'accept' is supposed to be 'expect'.
12 paragraphs down from the top, Harry says "I haven’t past my apparition test yet." 'Past' should be 'passed'. It's an easy mistake to make, so don't worry. When you're reading them allowed, they both sound the same.
A paragraph above that, it says 'She say her give Ron a quick glance...' I think that it's supposed to say that 'He saw' her give Ron a quick glance.
I hope those have helped. This story, overall, was really well written. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
This was a really bittersweet story. It was a little short, but everything got across. I enjoyed it. There were a couple of weird spots with the grammar, but they didn't ruin the story.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing
*smile* good storyAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Hi there :]. I saw your post in the forums and wanted to come review for you! I'll start out with the sticky stuff so I can get to the gushy stuff at the end.
This was very well-written, but it seems like you might have been in a hurry when you wrote this. There were a few typos, most of which have been mentioned. I also noticed a problem with the dialogue. You write: "Kjlkdsajklueir." Harry said. But it should be: "Kpeipofck," Harry said. Do you see the difference? There should be a comma, not a period, to show that the sentence is continuing.
Okay, now to the real review :]:].
I thought it was a very good story. It was just a little snippet in time that showed Harry leaving the Dursley's. Love it :]. Harry's speech to Uncle Vernon was very good, especially: And although I have never expected a card or even acknowledgement on my birthday, I have a little gift for you. After I walk through that kitchen door you will never see me again. Perfect Harry. He might have gotten a bit more...loud, for lack of a better word, but still, very canon.
Very nice little story you have here. If you just go through and fix the dialogue errors and typos, I think your story will be just about perfect. 9/10, for everything mentioned above :].
that was perfect! don't change a thing! it was awesome! Report Review
I like the way it was written. The only critique I can give is that a few of the sentences seem run-on. This one, I think, stuck out the most in that case:
Ever since Harry had been back at Privet Dr. Uncle Vernon had made him work no-stop as if he had realized that he only had a limited amount of time before Harry would be leave them and wanted to take advantage of the free labor.
Personally, I think it would work well as:
Ever since Harry had been back at Privet Drive, Unlce Vernon had made him work non-stop as if he had realized that he only had a limited amount of time before Harry would leave them, and he wanted to take full advantage of the free labour.
Other than that, the content was great. It wasn't too angsty and it wassn't too soft so that the reader sort of relaxed. It had a nice balance. I think you kept the characters in character also. I like the ending too; it summarized the fic's theme nicely. Good job! :) Report Review
I think this could stand as a One-shot. It was very nice and doesn't really need to be continued, unless you were planning to write a seventh year fic and include this. It's really up to you. So, I did like it, Harry's thoughts were in-character. I think the beginning was a bit...rushed with the course of his thoughts and stuff. I would also recommend a beta reader because you have slight punctuation errors in your dialogue and paragraphs and the sentences are sometimes very confusing, so watch out for that.
“Well, Uncle Vernon, it seems to me that you have forgotten that today is my seventeenth birthday. And although I have never expected a card or even acknowledgement on my birthday, I have a little gift for you. After I walk through that kitchen door you will never see me again. Never again will you have to tolerate eating your meals at the same table as I do or have to bother hiding me from company. I will thank you for one thing though. Living with you has made me realize that there is love in this world but to truly appreciate what you have you need to learn what it feels like to not be loved. I thank you for helping me to become a stronger person in that regard and to help me realize that there are people worth fighting and dying for. It is a pity that there is no one in this room that fits that description.”
This paragraph was very well written. Honestly, it was wonderful, as was this:
"As Molly Weasley gave him a hug, Harry knew that he would never again feel unloved and with that knowledge he knew that he could save the world from anything."
Overall it was a very nice read. Good job, just watch out for punctuation. ;) Report Review
Just a small typo-"The though left him " should be 'thought'. And 'She say her give Ron" should probably be 'He saw her..." lol. These happen all the time. Just thought I'd point them out. Just a technical detail: 'look that looked good on him' doesn't flow very well. Perhaps "it was a look that suited him well' or 'and it was a change that suited him well."
Now for some real reviewing:
This is really well done. You've captured Harry's feelings about the Dursleys rather well. I especially like the part about the lack of love they gave him helped him to appreciate and understand love in other people.
I can tell this was meant to be a chaptered fic. The ending especially shouts continuation. I think with a bit a rewording towards the end this one shot could feel like a one shot. But if you want to continue, I say you have a great spring board for it right here.
*Eli* Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection