Reading Reviews for Your Final Breath
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Valarie7505 A Constant Vigil

5th July 2007:
9-10

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Review #2, by jemma341 A Constant Vigil

16th October 2006:
That is a really good story! My eyes became misty! It was like I was in the room when this was happening.

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Review #3, by Y B Normal A Constant Vigil

8th October 2006:
I really like this story. it was sad. BUt awsome none the less.

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Review #4, by BlackPheonix138 A Constant Vigil

1st October 2006:
really sad and touching, almost made me cry... People who have suffered from the loss of a loved one can really relate to this. I like how it is being read from a diary, not in the moment, it adds a sad touch to it. This is an awesome story, besides a few grammar and spelling mistakes, it's perfect!

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Review #5, by almost_witch A Constant Vigil

27th September 2006:
I liked this alot, it was well written and a great story line. I want to pick on a few things if thats alright before adding in all the good.

ok with this line - 'and the chair I had spelled out of thin air.' Maybe change that to ' and the chait I had conjoured(sp?) out of thin air." Spelled just sounds like a spelling bee... haha

Also with the while her writting over the things that happend, it was such a nice idea but maybe you would like to fix the style for what you wrote it in. It was asthough it was just like a normal story, not a diary/story being read out. Maybe read a diary and catch the drift of it to help you improve.

Also maybe have the words in the story in italics of a space between the story and real life... it makes it less confussing.

The spelling is just fine, you have a great plot line with your characters in place, i liked how Ginny got angry, I wrote her like that when Harry died in one of my stories too, some people dont understand but i'm glad you do.

Well done..
Almost_witch

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Review #6, by joliefille252 A Constant Vigil

27th September 2006:
“I know we always talked of a family.” I told him, “When you wake up, we can start it.” My face began to light up. “I know you always wanted twin girls so we’ll have those… and a boy!” I exclaimed. “We’ll name of the girls Lily, after your mother and one of them Molly, after mine. We could name our son,” I paused as I wracked my brain for names. “… Mark, Mark Potter and when you wake up we can choose all their middle names. We could live in a little white cottage in Hogsmead with a winding garden path that leads to a large gate. We could have a garden of flowers and honeysuckle that climbs the shed door. In the summer, there could be a swing made from the branch of large tree at the bottom of the garden that the children could take turns to push each other on. And in the winter, we could all huddle inside and drink mugs of steaming hot chocolate and one of the girls will complain that it’s too hot and moan that she wishes it was cooler. After you come home from work, all the children will rush up to you screaming and demand you hug them. You’ll pick them all up in your arms and swing them around and they will giggle madly. I’ll come out of the house and look at the four of you and think one thing; that our family is complete.” I smiled sadly and said, “We can have that,” then, more quietly so my voice was almost a whisper I muttered, “You just have to wake up first.” I feel like this paragraph can be broken up a bit, b/c with the mix of quotations and descriptions all bunched in there, it gets a bit wearisome to read (is that even a word? lol)

overrall great job, and nicely written. I especially liked you ended it!

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Review #7, by Arithmancy_Wiz A Constant Vigil

26th September 2006:
Hmm...very interesting. By far the thing that shined brightest in this piece was your choice of perspective. It isn’t very often I come across a story that takes the time to add in an outsider’s view, particularly on another couple’s relationship. Granted, the husband didn’t actually do much commentating, but still, it made for a unique twist, as did writing the whole piece as if the readers themselves are Ginny. It all made for an interesting departure from the norm.

But let me get to the CC, as that’s what I said I would be focusing on. For me, I wasn’t crazy about the formality of the way Ginny “wrote” in her diary. It just didn’t feel natural...either to the character or the circumstances. It just didn’t read like a diary entry—the way Ginny would actually sit down and recount her experiences. Does that make sense? Or course, if you wrote it all out in a way that might be more reflective of an actual diary entry (besides perhaps encountering a few TOS issues!) you would lose a lot of the imagery that helps set the scene. For example, it seems unlikely to me that a person would actually write out about their own facial expressions (ie. my face drooped...my eyes grew wide) in their diary, nor would they be likely to recall every word spoken, particularly during such an emotional time. However, if you remove such details, the story will obviously be boring and flat. Perhaps a compromise would have been nice. If the husband had started off reading the diary “as written” and then you made it clear that you were switching over to Ginny’s recollection of that moment in time, you could have had the best of both worlds, perhaps even interrupting the story to switch back over to a line or two from the husband as he’s reading. That might have sat better with me than having to try and accept this perfectly written scene as a diary entry. But just a thought...

The only other thing is I think the ending was rushed. After all this, the husband has only four lines worth of reflection. It was all just a bit abrupt. I thought you glazed over a really great opportunity to really emphasize that Harry’s death has really had three tragic victims: Harry himself, Ginny, and the husband, who was never able to really have all of Ginny’s love.

Guess that’s it. There were a few typos and such, but the general mechanics looked good. Well done overall. Thanks for sharing and happy writing!


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Review #8, by Carrot Stix A Constant Vigil

26th September 2006:
Ooooo! That was so good! I really really really liked that! And it was long too. A bit theatrical but meh. The only thing what is the bit when Ginny said “I’m in love you,” it dosnt make sence.. It confused me so you might want to fix it. Otherwhys a really good story and well done plot. Im like how you didnt it as a mans point of view. You hardly ever read soemthing like that! Good Work!

Carrot Stix

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Review #9, by birdsong A Constant Vigil

21st September 2006:
oh how sad! Good story though!

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Review #10, by ABCDEFGHIJKateee A Constant Vigil

21st September 2006:
that was, really really good.
i hate harry dying
but you made me like it this time :)

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Review #11, by Rose A Constant Vigil

21st September 2006:
Wow.

Wow.

I literally have tears streaming down my face and my brother is looking at me like I'm a freak. This was incredibly sad and beautiful. I loved how you had ginny's current husband (right?) reading from her diary about Harry Potter. It gave your story a great perspective, instead of just having the passage of the diary as your story. brilliant job!

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