3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by circinusphoenix Confusion and Mixed up feelings

16th September 2006:
Firstly I am sorry it took me a few days to come back and read. It's been a busy week. But I have the time now, so I came back.

Quote marks for speech are still a big thing. It is very difficult to read because you have to generally go back and reread sentances to understand where the speech starts and stops. Fix the marks before anything, that's for sure.

Grammar is still an issue here. Fragmented sentances are still a problem here and there. Big thing I found was using contractions, like 'cept, or plannin'. Characters in the books that use contractions are generally ones that have that kind of speech (they constantly use contractions, like Stan or Hagrid). But the Weasley's and all the characters here don't use contractions normally. They speak pretty clearly, so it sounds odd hearing them use them (and you should almost never use contractions in descriptions).

The storyline seems to be going well for you. It is a little jumbled, but I can see where you're going with it. Again hooking up Harry and Cho still seems a little too fast, but it's alright. It was confusing when Harry sent the letter with Hedwig, but you do get to understand it later. It is very questionable if Harry would hop on a broom and fly to her house (again, how did Harry know where she lived?) with everything going on. Mrs. Weasley I thought would have been going insane with worry, as well as Hermione.

But don't get me wrong, your story is moving along nicely. I like it, it's interesting, but I just think that aside from grammar stuff, you just need to slow it down a little and have things flow easier. Harry writing that letter, then going off all of a sudden stuck out like a thorn. It would be better I think if you built up to it, and yes, have Harry talk to Ron and maybe Hermione about Cho. He wouldn't be one to just suddenly bring an ex-flame to the Burrow without mentioning it to anyone. That's just a suggestion though.

Anyways, again, I do like your story, and I hope you continue with it. I know not having loads of reviews can be disheartening, but keep it up, and I'm sure more people will review. I do hope my review can help you in any manner, and I'll be keeping an eye out for your next chapter. Good job!

Author's Response: Hey not to worry... even Harry Potter fans can be busy lol. Did I say that? **runs and hides**
the conversation marks yeah sorry about that these two chapters were written at the same time in about 2 hours a year ago I just got back to it not too long ago and I'm tryin to piece it back together at the moment. I intend fix chapter 2... I'll put in the marks for now but I'll fix up chapter 1 and 2 after I get chapter 3 up. Chapter 3 will take longer cause I want to get it right... it might be spoiling to say I'm writing a quidditch scene. I haven't written one before so I'm taking my time with it. Yes I do belive I have to work on my grammar lol. contracions hmm it's probably me mixing up other english stories. fast... I'll do my best to slow the story down... future chapters I think will be longer as to make sure everything fits.
I find your reviews very helpful. I might have my sister read it maybe she's also a big HP fan. My close 2nd lol. I'm glad you find my story interesting. I find yours very interesting as well. thank you for reviewing good luck with your studies


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Review #2, by circinusphoenix Unexpected Visitor

2nd September 2006:
Was good. Some of the grammar needs work, and you definately have to add dialogue marks ( "Oh, ok" he said. the "s). It's hard to read the parts where they talk, since there are no marks.

Anyways, the story itself is alright. I do wonder when the story is actually taking place. Dumbledore is still alive, and Harry still has a thing for Cho. So I'm guessing it would be during the OotP right (right before)? Well, anyways, giving a better idea as to what time it is would help I think (ie. in the beginning, say what year Harry has just finished up at Hogwarts).

Anyways, dreams are interesting, good job there. The letters, I don't know, they sound a little off. In Ron's, he uses "right" alot (ie. right pity, or right popular), which I don't think he would normally do. With Hermione, expressions like "frightfully interesting," I don't know, just doesn't sound right to me. Still though, most of the two are right.

But Cho showing up like that . . . there's something up with that. How did she know where he lived? And she seems pretty interested in Harry, showing up like that and such.

Anyways, it's a good start, don't get me wrong. I'd just suggest fixing some of the grammar (mostly commas or sentance fragments), adding the "" marks for speech, and giving a little more explanation at the beginning as to what the time is (within the books) and how things are with Harry. Good start. Keep it up!

Author's Response: hmm thanks the time is sixth year. its alternate universe as indicated. grammar yes i would guess i'm rusty with that since i've been out of school for 4 years now and never have to worry about it. i'll try and change the letters a bit to suit they're personalities better. i'll put in the marks I had thought about it. Cho we'll find out more about that later. Thanks for the review it was really helpful. I really appreciate it. I hope you continue to read the story i'm currently working on chapter 3 and chapter 2 is just waiting for validation.

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Review #3, by the heir Unexpected Visitor

31st August 2006:
thats a very good story, why the heck isn't anyone commenting :(, they don't know a good story when they see it i guess , you did good =D

Author's Response: aww ty ty t-heir-y yeah i wish i knew why. i guess i'll put up the 2nd chapter soon i just have to finish it off and then send it. =) prolly take a week or 2 for it to show up anyway

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