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Well, I thought your plot was alright, and you got some of the lines very much in character. You focus soley on Harry and Hermoine really, and not events happening outside Hogwarts, which allows you to tell your story easily, which is good.

The only real problem I had was with your point of view. You move from one person's view to another's very quickly, sometimes even within a paragraph. I think what you have to do, is realize that even though you want to show what someone is thinking, you can show it in other manners than switching to their point of view for a sentance. Like, for an example, if you want to show that Hermione was getting shivers from what Harry was doing, you can instead of going back to Hermione's thoughts and her expressing that, to simply have Harry notice that she does actually shiver slightly. It makes it easier for the reader if you keep to one point of view, at least for a while, and it makes less skipping between character's thoughts.

But, like I said, you plot I liked. Hermione doing that would result I think in disaster, but I think it would have been better if she got to the hospital wing first before Harry talked to her (don't forget, he wanted to get her there before even finding out what happened, but then in the hallway he decides other wise). Anyways, I've gone on long enough. Again, good idea and plot, and not too bad on the story telling.

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Review #12, by katy

Adding Insult to injury

28th July 2006:

you have a very good plot set up... you could have another chapter if you wished... telling ron why she did it.. and telling ron about their relationship,a nd what happens in the tub.. and how ginny reacts..

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