Dont stop writing this!!
Hahaha at first I was hesitant because I cant stand conceited people... This obviously made me biased to your OC. But the way you wrote the journal entries reminded me so much of how I write my own journal! (not the conceided part, but the style) This whole chapter was so fun and clever! Usually I'm more prone to reading the serious and depressing fanfictions, because the funny ones are never as well written. But I absolutely loved this chapter! It was so well written, minus a few typos, and it really made me laugh! I cant wait to read more, this is so cute!Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much. I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far! I'm going to be honest, though. Jane is a pretty difficult character to write and I had pretty much temporarily abandoned trying to write more. But now that I know people are still interested perhaps I'll try harder ;) Thanks, again! Report Review
That's great! The story works quite nicely and the canon characters are quite in 'character'. Moving onto your oc, shes quite the girly girl and seems really stuck up. The only thing that should really be fixed is how many times you use Jane. You use it in nearly every other sentence and it gets a little repetive. Otherwise, all in all, the oc is enjoyable and makes you raise an eyebrow at how she acts. 9/10
Magical Me13Author's Response: Thanks :) I'll keep that in mind when I go back for a re-edit. Glad you liked it! Thanks for the 9/10!! Report Review
I really liked it and it was so funny! :-)Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad that you liked it! :) Report Review
i love it., please do continue. i think it's funny and its Remus Jane is trying to convince to fall in love, not Sirius.
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm really glad you liked it :) Report Review
HAha, I absolutely loved this! It's def. (I can't spell that word, lol) Going in my favorites. I love your OC! While people may argue that she's a little Mary sue-ish I disagree because ok...if a girl really was good looking of course she would be a little arrogant. And your OC is just so hilarious and blunt I was laughing the whole time, especially the 'cute butt pants' hahahah!!! I know how that is, I have my own cute butt pants too:) Oh-I hope you update soon, this story is fantastic!
~LBAuthor's Response: *laughs* Wow! I'm really glad you liked it! And not just liked it, but saved it to your favourites. That's awesome :) I'm working on getting some updates put out, so keep an eye out!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
ugh, so I accidentally pressed the submit review button before I was ready. You should work on your characterization of Lily a little bit, she seems out of character. She is not a very girly person, and probably wouldn't own those Muggle magazines. Fix it though, and you'll have all the characters nicely done.
^ I made a small typo in the other review.Author's Response: *laughs* Aw, we all make typos. Thanks for the CC though - very much appreciated :) Report Review
This was a very interesting story! I loved the diary entries at the beginning of the chapter, and they were really hilarious. I really enjoy well written stories that start out with a diary entry. They really let you to get to know the character.
So after you finished the diary entries, you changed the story to third person. Personally I think that it would have been better if you stayed at first person. Sometimes you can't achieve some writing styles that fit in with the type of story you are writing. I think that first person would be the best for a story like this. Just something to consider.
Your plot is very interesting. I've only seen one other story concerning an OC making a bet that they will fall in love with Remus Lupin, but your story is the best when compared with the other one.
I found some spelling errors in this chapter. Things like bitting (bitting), competative (competitive), nighty (nightie), fliping (flipping), languriously (languorously), excitment (excitement)... well yes, you get my point. Remember to use a spell check or reread your chapter before you submit it to the validation queue.
Also, instead of using all those dashes to separate your story, consider using the horizontal rule. Here is the page that explains the usage of the horizontal rule:
This could use a little work, but still it is a very good story! Good job.Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, I do think someone else has mentioned that switch from 1st person to 3rd person to me. Great ConCrit though, and thanks for the link for the horizontal rule. I'll be sure to use it once this has been edited :)
Thanks again! Glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
First off, that's an awesome first paragraph. Not only is it funny, eye-catching, and wellworded, but I know exactly how she feels. Everybody feels as though they've got mental every now and again--and what a wonderful universal emotion to start with. I love your diary/first person style of writing. Most of the time, I can't stand this style but the way you do it is perfect. I creates a wonderful mood and introduces your character amazingly well. I also like the character, because she's very original. Instead of doing the typical, so-sweet-your-teeth-rots, extremely likable girl, you chose someone who was popular and mean. I like it, because it just makes the whole thing more hilarious. This line Oh, this means war, Remus Lupin … this means war! was the best. Absolutely hilarious!!!
But then you went and changed the style of writing for no apparent reason. Changing the style from first person to third person for no apparent reason (because the story would have been a whole let better and original if had been continually told through the diary) brings the reader out of the story. I think you may have made a mistake there.
And Lily--you've got a characterization probelm with her. The whole idea of Lily being preppy and girly is just not true to my character. Yes, she was popular, but she was very levelheaded and more into what goes in the head than what goes on it (which is why I can't see her reading those teen magazines). She can stick up for herself, and I doubt she was girly. JK herself has said that Lily is a lot like Ginny, and Ginny's sort of a Tomboy. That's NOT the way Lily's protrayed in this--even though her habit of sarcasm is quite humorous. Just a few changes should get her to the right characterization.
There were a few typos, but nothing major.
Overall, the plot is great, and with just a few small corrections this should be a completely awesome story. Do update soon, alright, because I certainly want to read the next chapter. Author's Response: I see your point with Lily - thank you for pointing that out. I think I was so focused on making sure that Jane's character came across right that the characterization of everyone else sort of got lost in the jumble.
This was an EXTREMELY helpful review. Seriously, I don't think I can thank you enough! Now I can go back over this chapter and have something to shoot for aside from fixing my minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Again, thank you! It deffinetly motivates me to get editing when I have something to shoot for :)
Thank you for the review! And despite my characterization problems, I'm glad you liked it. I'll also see how it works re-worded all in first person. *smiles* Report Review
Quite an interesting character you have developing here. I was afraid for a few moments at the beginning that she could end up cliche but you fought that off as the chapter progressed so kudos to you on that one. Remus seems very much in character, particularily his speech pattern (it's something I pick up when I read characters and stuff). Keep up the good work. -Valhalla Adonis-SnapeAuthor's Response: Thank you :)
That's what most people have been saying. That at the beginning she really threatens to become extremely Mary-Sue-ish, but I'm really glad that I was able to avoid that. I worked really hard at it. :) Glad you liked it, thanks for the review! Report Review
Added this to my favorites. It's bloody BRILLIANT. Honestly. This is one of the best I've ever read. It's just so funny! Golly gee. Write more. PLEASE. I'm begging you.Author's Response: Wow. I don't have anything to say! Thank you so much! I'm super glad you enjoyed it this much! (and don't worry, I have broken down the writer's block. Expect more soon)!! Report Review
1) who I totally snogged today being the statue of ... (I think you meant 'behind')
2) Sirius snorted into his foot. 'What d'ya want ol' Moony for?' (I think you meant 'food')
3) 'Oh no, don't missunderstand me,' (misunderstand)
4) 'Tell me the truth, and maybe I'll concider helping you (consider)
*L* Your character, Jane is somewhat infuriating but definitely not a Mary Sue. And definitely not the typical Marauder/OC that I normally read. I do hope you continue this. It's hilarious and refreshing.Author's Response: Wow, thank you :) I don't know if anyone has ever described Jane to me as an 'infuriating' character, but I suppose she must be. I'm really glad that you liked it! Thanks for the review. Report Review
Iriki here to review! :)
It seemed sort of strange, Jane seemed like a Mary-Sue to me, which you might want to change.
Also, I caught many spelling errors which made it harder to read the story and concetrate as well. You might want to get a beta for that.
Besides that, it's an interesting plot, and I think you did it pretty well.Author's Response: Yeah, I have noticed the few spelling and grammar mistakes in there - the procrastinator in me just hasn't gotten around to doing anything about those yet. And I've just requested a BETA, and she seems complient, so I have that covered too :) Thanks for the honest review, though. I really appreciated that! Report Review
Haha, you pulled off the funny factor in this story amazingly! I have simply fallen in love with Jane and her ego. You really hit how a conceited girl acts on the nail. For a while I was a little concerned she might be a little Mary-Sue-ish but she isn't intelligent which balances out her good looks.
I did catch several spelling and grammar mistakes throughout the chapter. You should really consider a beta and if you drop me a PM on the forums I'd love to help you. :)
MyaAuthor's Response: I was terrified she was going to turn out Mary-Sue-ish, and I'm glad you think she didn't :) I was actually going to post of the forums for a BETA, so I will deffinetly drop you a line. Thanks for the honest review! Report Review
I liked it good storyAuthor's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
I like this, I really do. I think you have the concept of the completely self-absorbed "I'm hot and I know it" teenager down perfectly and it's hilarious. You fully realize how completely full of herself and perfect the character is, and use that to your complete advantage. In the hands of a weaker author, it'd come across as a complete mary-sue, but you manage to pull it off and convey the concept of the satire very very well.
I think the best line so far is "Lily, focus, we're talking about me!" and it just is hilariously awesome. Please do continue, I'm liking this idea so far.
My only complaint would to be to offset thoughts a bit-italicize them or something, like the "oh this so works" line when she's looking at herself in the mirror, etc.
But this is bloody hilarious, and I can't wait to see more. Author's Response: Wow ... I think my face would rip if my smile got any larger. Thank you so much! I was really worried that I hadn't pulled off the satire well. The last thing on earth I wanted was another Mary Sue. Thank you for pointing out the lack of italics, I'll deffinetly look into that. I'm going to go back through and do a quick edit for grammer and italics and such. Thank you for the awesome review, and as soon as I get a new chapter up I will deffinetly let you know! :) Report Review
Very cute! I loved the diary entries, they showed Jane's personality well. I like how you took a different approach to this story. You show what Jane's writing, along with what's also going on around school. I felt that you did well keeping the characters in character. I thought it was really good.
I saw a few things however.
1. You spelled damit, then you used Damnit. You kept on switching.
2.today being the statue of the one-eyed witch!] I'm thinking you meant behind?
3. Instead of using ', use " for dialogue. UNLESS you were taught to use ', then use that =]
I liked it a lot! keep up the good work.Author's Response: I'm not quite sure why I do it, but I do have a tendancy to switch between 'damit' and 'damnit'. It doesn't make sense! Thanks for pointing out the few things you did. I really like it when a reviewer can help me improve the story. And I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I was pretty happy with Jane as a character; she's just a tad challenging to write, is all. :) Report Review
Okay. First off, there were a few words there that you typed up homonyms.. You know, sort of like instead of blew it became blue.. So maybe you should have someone check that..
Now, for the OC, glad to note that she's not Mary Sue. That's a plus for you. Also, the journal entries were funny.. Especially the first one.. lol
Okay, the only thing I have a problem about is the cliche with the stupid gorgeous girl and the bet (The "If he's not in love with me by *Blank* I will *Blank*) It's been done sooo many times before.. But then, on the upside this could be beneficial because you can show how good a writer you are by making this cliche original and totally your own.. That's all I can tell you so go!:D
me...;) LolAuthor's Response: Yeah, that was one thing I was really proud of myself for doing, was not making her a Mary Sue. And as for the cliche thing, I did notice that, but I'm not too sure how I'll wiggle out of it! It makes me a bit nervous actually. Thank you very much for the good review! Lots to think about there. I'm glad you found it funny :) I wasn't sure if I could do humour. Report Review
are you going to continue this story? i find it absolutly hysterical and would love to read moreAuthor's Response: I'm really glad you liked it so far. She's a really fun character to write, unfortunately I haven't had the pleasure of seeing the person who inspired her lately, and therefore have not been inspired to write much more. I'm working on it right now though :) Keep looking back for an update. Report Review
uh...well...that was...odd...o.O...a good odd...but...still odd...Author's Response: I'll take that as you were interested, and therefore, thank you very much. I appreciate the review, whatever you thought! It's great to recieve some honest reviews. Report Review
Please continue, it's such an interesting premise for a story. Remus is usually the nice guy who would try to find the best in the person - -basically a walking doormat. I'm glad to see that you have made him more than a one dementional charater. For all her flaws I love tyour OC Jane also. Keep writing!Author's Response: I so greatly appreciate your review - honestly :) I'm really glad you like it also, I wasn't sure how a piece like this would be recieved. I'm especially glad you like Jane; never before have I actually spent as much time developing an Original Character before. Kepp a look out for an update! Report Review
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