Reading Reviews for Just Let Time Freeze
  
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by antsyPants34 Dreams Don't Hurt

5th February 2007:
remember me? The one who hates your stories? I'm back, with a new vengence. To keep writing this story would not be prudent. i am watching u.

Author's Response: kewl. ok.

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Review #2, by weasley7 Dreams Don't Hurt

5th February 2007:
IT BE ME! by the way, since i know for a fact your 2nd chapter probably will not be present for a while...
YOU SUCK THIS STORY IS GOD
8 becuz i know your evil plot to make people wait
*~*~*~*~*~*~*VAN*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Response: egad! You figured me out!

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Review #3, by xLostxFaithx Dreams Don't Hurt

22nd August 2006:
heyyy !



i decided to read yours as well and i believe this is a very, very good start and i cannot wait to see how everyhting unfolds...

also, this part--> “Sticks and stones, love.”, like from Pirates?? ahh i love that movie and that part !

but anyways i cannot wait for the rest ! update soon pleaseee


Yours Truly,

FicNastt

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you soo much! Yes, it is from Pirates, I put it in there to see how many people would get it! Good job! *Hands a cookie* Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #4, by KML Dreams Don't Hurt

20th August 2006:
Sounds like a good start. I'd be interested to read more, once you write it. Some things to correct:

-"But over the summer Jamie Strets, the caterpillar became Jamie Strets, the butterfly." There should be a comma after caterpillar.
-"A Fanged Frizbee was flying between two girls, hissing and spluttering as it went. Jamie watched intently as it stopped in mid-air and the two girls were rooted to the spot, terrified looks on their poor second-year faces." Frisbee, no z.
-“'Hello Zabini.' Jamie said," Comma after hello, and the period after Zabini should be a comma.
-“Hey Strets, have you noticed anyth-" Comma after hey.
-“'I am not you prat!' Jamie snapped, having to repeatedly calm herself.” Comma after not.
-“'Are too plus one you’ll ever say! Ha! Beat that Strets!'” Comma after that.
-“'Ugggggh! I hate you Zabini!' seriously, this guy’s immaturity was really getting to Jamie.” Comma after you.
-“'Yes but you are still grumpy!'” Comma after yes.
-“'You’re despicable Zabini!'” Comma after despicable.
-“'You cannot call me love though!'” Comma after love.
-“'I can if I want to LOVE!'” Comma after to.
-“'I know LOVE!' Zabini retorted, taunting her.” Comma after know.

I like it so far. Keep on writing it, because it sounds like it's getting good. Applause!

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I have issues with commas...
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #5, by SYN Dreams Don't Hurt

20th August 2006:
Update soon. I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13


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Review #6, by Glow Dreams Don't Hurt

16th August 2006:
'This is officially weird.' Jamie said to herself. ~~ That was funny.

The dialogue was pretty funny, though I wondered how old these characters were. You've got a lot going on in this chapter, and you've set up a tone that's humorous and sort of intense--it moves really fast! Personally, I like a bit of character development, but I know it's a first chapter, and sometimes it's good to set the tone first, then go back and develop. Jamie sounds like an interesting character--can Sirius handle her?

Author's Response: Yes, this chapter does move very fast, I didn't want to spend like 7 chapters getting up to it, so it happened quickly. You got to know her a bit better through the next few chappies, dont worry, I'm glad you like it! Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #7, by thewaywelivenow Dreams Don't Hurt

15th August 2006:
As you said you’ve realised that Jamie is very Mary Sue-ish, I won’t comment on that as I’m sure someone else has. I’ll just comment on you’re actual writing.

I thought it was very quick into the story that everything froze. I think a little description of the surroundings and some dialogue would have added a bit more realism to the story and the reader could have got to know Jamie a bit better.
“(i.e. upside down egg)”: You really don’t need to put this, your description should be enough and it stops the story from running smoothly.
However, I thought the your spelling was great, the dialogue was realistic for Jamie’s character and the chapter length was just right.

If you work on Jamie’s character and add a bit more description I’m sure this story will be very promising.

Author's Response: Thank you!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #8, by calorie Dreams Don't Hurt

10th August 2006:
great start! this has potential to turn into a fab im-messing-with-time-fic! for inspiration, try reading either 'complicated hexagon' by jessi_rose, or 'cojoining generations' by buttercupcake, both about time too but very different fics! anyways great intro and im looking forward to more!
ps thanks again for readin and leavin my fic a great review!

Author's Response: Thank you sooo much! ill check out those fics! I think it is awesome that you reviewed my fic because i did urs! Yours was awesome btw. Thank you!
~ ronfanatic13~


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Review #9, by germanchoklitcake Dreams Don't Hurt

6th August 2006:
hey angi! i didn't log in but it's still me. i lurve this story!!!!!!! YAY! but what's with jamie? she's all...
perfect and crap. that kinda bothers me. it would be more fun if she was kinda the odd one and time stopped. it's still fun though! keep writing!!!!!

Author's Response: Thanks Mandi!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #10, by Talia Brazil Dreams Don't Hurt

1st August 2006:
An intersting story, but I have to say that it was a bit hard to follow and didn't have too much of an interesting plot. I saw that you made modifications to the character's name, which was a good decision, but she still seems very Mary-Sueish and lacks the substance to make her an interesting charcter. There just seems to be a kind of lack of purpose in the story. What is it about? I can't help but wonder where the story will go. And even though it is the first chapter, I think you should give your readers more concerning the plot and the character.

The bickering between Anthony and Jamie could be shortened. You are kind of over emphasizing the fact that they don't like each other and it's a bit overbearing.

Her comment about the tempurpedic matress was hilarious. But, if this is in the Maurader's era, tempurpedic matresses hadn't been invented and I doubt pure blood wizards in England would have them. It's kind of an unecessary detail. You could just say "comfy bed" and get the same point across.

You definitely need to work on grammar. A few sentences are difficult to follow because of it. You have good word usage and do well describing things, and I would hate for those strong qualities to be overlooked because of grammatical errors.

I think it's a good start, but it does need a bit of work. I do want to see how your OC develops into more than just a pretty perfect Gryffindor girl, so keep writing!

Author's Response: Oh! CC! yes, she is very Mary-Sueish, but, without giving to much away, that changes dramitically in chappie 2! Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #11, by Angel of Darkness Dreams Don't Hurt

30th July 2006:
''Any ‘baby fat’ she had been lugging around was now left in her old cocoon, never to be seen again''

I liked that line. Seems like a different kind of story--but in a good way!! Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thank you! I appretiate the review!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #12, by harrysgirl24 (not logged in) Dreams Don't Hurt

29th July 2006:
yes, I am reviewing again...I definitely like your character now that her name isn't so Mary-Sue-ish...funny how a name can do that to a character, isn't it? I just have one question...when you introduce her friend Ashley, why do you have in parenthases...(Sorry, I had to make up a name, you don't have to use it)? That part kind of confused me...*blinks* also, you put Oh, just let time freeze right here! twice...those were the only things I could find...other than that...AWESOME CHAPPIE!!! I LOVE IT!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! TEN!!! ^_^ adios,

*~* harrysgirl24 *~*

Author's Response: 8-) Thank you, I will see to that it gets fixed!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #13, by lupinlove Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
i think this has the potential to be quite intriguing: what caused time to freeze? what mess will stormi get herself into? (i sound like that guy who dubs movie trailers, haha.) i'm glad you didn't have stormi and anthony randomly make out in the hall, as a lot of people probably would have done. however, i think their fight was sort of random/immature ('stop!' 'love!' 'stop!' 'love!'), and that there could have been more nasty words and such, like attack of the wits, perhaps, seeing as they're in their seventh year. also, just be careful to give stormi some flaws as she's a bit of a mary-sue at the moment (sorry!).

good work and keep writing :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the insight, I am getting a new name for her, and giving some flws currently in valadation, I appretiate the CC! Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #14, by firebreathingradishes Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
Wow. This is a really interesting plot... time-stopping and all. I think your writer's "voice" is highly entertaining-- you've got something humorous there. :D It's very fresh and different from everything else in this site.

However, I do think some of the descriptions were a bit... overdone. Some were great and highly entertaining, but others were just a bit too much.

This sentence... "Her once pretty blonde mane, now gorgeous golden locks."... is rather ehhh to me. I think you could make a bigger contrast. For instance, you could explain that her hair was once "stringy and and flat yellow hair" and then it became the "gorgeous golden locks", because "pretty blonde mane" doesn't sound THAT bad to me. It would give your descriptions more... meaning... especially because of her metamorphosis.

Stormi sounds a bit Mary-Sue-ish... but if you intend for her to be that way, I'm fine with it. :]

Great work so far! Good luck with your next chapters.

Author's Response: I appretiate the honesty, I will make the changes to my story, and possibly ask you to review it again when the changes are valadated! thank you for your review!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #15, by tina4peace Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
I love it! Where's chapter two? I want to know why Zambinis not frozen, too!
Keep writing!!

Author's Response: I cannot tel.....*evil laughter* but the next few chappies will reveal! Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #16, by lairyfights123 Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
Well. . . I have a feeling that this is your first story, is it not? Exactly how long have you been on this site for? Okay, this is not about me interrogating you, it's about this review, so I'll stop now. . .

Okay, I sense a great sense of humor, don't you? Did that make any sense? I think that this story actually has great potential, and I'm actually sort of liking the style you are getting yourself accostomed to. I suggest, however, that you get a beta if you do not alrady have one to help you with various things. I think this could be a really good story. You are quite natural with this, I just think more experience is quite necessary, don't you? Okay, how many questions have I asked here? Many. You don't have to answer them all, I promise.

Okay, my goal with every fic is to be 100%, full out, painfully honest, and so far I have been upholding y promise to myself. Now keep this in mind for how easy you actually got it. I see that this can be really. Good. Also, let me introduce you to someone named Mary-Sue. . . Now I understand your character is only like Mary under special circumstances, that she had lost weight and really wasn't all that great last year. . . but. . well, that's a trait of Mary-Sue as well. You see, they have names such as Nevaeh and Stormi Dawn, and are completely beautiful. They are perfect and have no flaws, or if they do, they are deeply troubled and everyone who does not like her has at least a grudging respect by the end. They are instantly friends with canon characters for no reason and everyone is jealous of her. Mary-Sue doesn't care though, they are only jealous because of all her beauty. . .

Okay, that's a short summary of Miss M-S. I don't think that you actually have one of her going, but that's just to make sure in the future. I suggest taking a MS Litmus test.

Okay, forgive me if you know this already, I was just being cautious, you know? I think you have a great sense of humor--and--I'm looking forward to more of this. . . to you improving and taking yourself seriously. I think you really can go far. So--er--yeah, enough with the cheesy-ness. Good luck with the rest of this, and with anything else you choose to do! *thumbs up*

Author's Response: Thank you so much! And I just felt I sould let you know, this is my first fanfic and Stormi is ment to be like a Mary-Sue, this chapter was basically to make that clear with a realization that may change that reputation, this is simply the point of this chapter, and I feel you got that, don't worry! The cheeseey-ness ceases now! Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #17, by Viannea Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
Hey there! This is BlueMoonyGirl... the reviewer. But I can't access some stuff without my penname, so here we are!
Nice plot bunny! I just noticed a couple things that might help it out a little..

First, (I can't stop myself, sorry!) you're right. The name is pretty bad :-/. But it's okay! I used to do that too! All you need to do is search for an etymology website, and then you have your pic of names! Yay!

Second, at the beginning, she is painfully Mary-Sue-ish. Blond, breath-taking blue eyes, perfect curly hair? I know that everything is supposed to be going great for her, but she's sort of to the point where she's unbelievable. Maybe you could try working in less appearance changes and more personality-type changes, like overcoming shyness or a tendency to talk before she thinks?

Last, you have a conversation (given, a shouted conversation) between Stormi and Zabini where it is straight,
“Stop that! You’re only doing it to annoy me!”

“I know LOVE!”

“Stop it!"


And on, and on, and on....
Usually, this wouldn't be a problem, but it gets a little hard for the reader to keep track of who's talking. All I would say is that you could add in a few, 'he said pettishly', 'she screamed', those sorts of things.

Overall, great job!
xo- blu


Author's Response: Thank you for goving the CC I was looking for! I am currently in the prosses of finding a new name and I will correct the argument ASAP! Thank you for your review!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #18, by Tinfoil Star Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
Warning: This review contains constructive criticism. Do not be offended by it, it's not a shot at you or your writing ability just a observation of what has been read.

You have an interesting plot going on here. Time stopping and bringing to arch rivals together? Very interesting indeed.

I know you made a little note at the beginning so I won't comment on the name. Everyone is entitled to name their own character (I've had some crazy ones in my days) but you're OC is coming off VERY Mary Sue-ish.

The most popular girl in school, a radical transformation of looks in such a short period of time, the evident implication of a rival house union. All are tell tale signs of a Mary Sue in the making. However, never fear! Stormi doesn't have to end up like that.

Try posting a profile of her in the Help Needed Forum and get feedback, critique and assistance in developing a believable, non-MS character.

I would also like to see a little more detail in setting and generally the feeling of the scenes you're writing. Your just giving readers the gist of things at the moment. Build up the bones of the scene with detail and let the characters be the aesthetic of it.

Now that the ugly part is out of the way...the good points!
Mr. and Mrs. Gryffindor
This made me chuckle. I love Sirius.
"Sticks and stones, love." You quoted my main man, Jack S and I give you props to that. I always try to sneak a smart Captain Jack quote in when ever possible.
You can go places with this story. It's an interesting idea but I think you need to work more on the development of characters and the plot of it to make it a story that people beg you to post more.

Hope this is insightful and at least a little helpful.

Author's Response: Yae! You noticed my movie line! You are now on my good side! I will look over my story and try to fix it, I am also in the prosses of meaking Stormi a less MS charictor and changing her name, I am glad you enjoyed this overall! Thank you for your review!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #19, by 0MFGZshes__DEADLY Dreams Don't Hurt

27th July 2006:
haha that was very amusing, love! lol
refrencing the story there... anyway
i'll be watching for the second installment

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #20, by **Cowboy** Dreams Don't Hurt

24th July 2006:
Hey, I've read this before! I loved it **again** your awesome second chappie better friggin be coming soon!! lol

Author's Response: Thank you! I am almost done writing my awesome secound chappie, so don't worry it'll be up in notime! thank you so much for your review, I love getting feedback!
~ronfanatic13~


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Review #21, by harrysgirl24 Dreams Don't Hurt

20th July 2006:
I really, really, really, really like it! Keep up the good work! ~ harrysgirl24
TEN OUT OF TEN!!! :)

Author's Response: I'm so glad you love it 'Leeny! Thank you for reviewing!
~ronfanatic13


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Review #22, by marypotter Dreams Don't Hurt

19th July 2006:
i love it countinue

Author's Response: Thank you so much marypotter! I'm working on the 2nd chapter!
~ronfanatic13~


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