wonder what is worse in the woods then werewolves? Report Review
Okay, so that's it for now? I was so used to the >>'s I didn't notice when I left that last review that it really would be my last :) lol So here I am, again.
Now, I know I've said a bunch of bad things so far, but please don't get me wrong.. I really like your story. You've got a wonderfully original plot, an OC that I don't despise, and nicely done twists. Really proud of those twists, actually, that was really cool with Aberforth...and the burning of Ron (if that is, in fact, where you were going with that) was genius. Harry's so not going to be sane after all of this :D
I have to give this story a 7/10.
Two points lost for mistakes that were bad enough to distract from the story. It was a great story, but the bad mistakes made me cringe something awful. If you read your chapters before posting them and then read them after they showed up, you'd be able to fix a vast majority of the errors...something I wish I could do with reviews, you know how many times I've written a review that ended up being in all italics because somewhere I didn't turn them off? Most of the errors are just where you were obviously writing something and decided to phrase the sentence a different way and didn't erase all of the original (mental note, need to go fix Just Breathe cuz I noticed last time I reread it I did that a few times ;) ) and tense changes. The tense changes (He thought he saw a fly *past tense* vs He thinks he sees a fly *present tense*) being the worst. And it wasn't just a here and there type of a thing...these easily fixable mistakes were all over the place. Distracting bad mistakes (to me) is worth two points of ten. Throwing the runaway beta aside and the fact that you probably haven't finished school yet so you don't know complex grammar that well, most of what was wrong you could easily fix yourself if you only reread what you'd written...but as is, it's completely distracting.
And two points for the crazy underlines, bolds, and italics. It's great that you decided to italicizing (sp) the past plot...not because I thought you should...but because it really does make it perfectly clear which storyline we're reading about. Not only do you have two stories in one, but you're showing backstory without having to go into boring exposition and boring paragraphs about how Ron became a werewolf and how the H/Hr thing developed...I love that you do the flashbacks like that. The italics just makes it so much more clear. Now, if only you would go back to chapter one and start from the beginning. And the labeling of the timeline (Three months after Dumbledore's death) was actually a great idea because it told us exactly where we were in the timeline (three months vs one year...it adds crediblity to the story's development). I thought it just needed a bit more of a distinction like bolding or extra spacing. BUT with the crazy underlines and boldings and italics and sometimes all three at once...to show POV changes (I figured that out later) was VERY confusing. VERY, VERY confusing. Enough so that quite a few times I was completely lost. POV changes are useful here, I think, because it moves the story along, but I just think you could find a better way of going about it.
One bonus point for the incredibly cool plot twists. You have a great plot and that thing with Aberforth was perfect. Which brings us to my 7/10.
Like I said, I've just said some things I didn't like, but truthfully I really did love your story. I enjoyed reading it. If you were to take the time to fix those mistakes it could easily be a 10/10. Keep going and I'll be looking forward to the next update.
P.S. Go find a new beta. And if that one flakes out again, go get another. Don't trouble yourself over a beta that ditches out so easily. Find one that's worth your time. It'll be worth it.Author's Response: Thanks, and I am going to be looking for a beta so my next chapter may take a while to egt up. Report Review
Yet another with extremely bad formatting. You really should fix that. It looks terrible.
I like what you've done with this chapter. Snape shows his current alliances! He's such a Slytherin...siding with whoever's gonna win.Author's Response: Of course thats snape. Report Review
Another one with funky formatting...but at least this one's longer.
Harry did that to Ron in the woods, didn't he? I was wondering if you were going to go that route with it.Author's Response: Yep. Report Review
Your formatting went extremely goofy in this chapter. Would be a good suggestion to take a minute to fix that. And your low word count on this chapter isn't going to get your story closer to your goal of 50,000 words or 30 chapters...it's going to get your chapter deleted if it's reported to the staff. Song Lyrics don't count toward your word count.Author's Response: I'm aiming for more than 30 chapters now. Report Review
I like what you've done with Aberforth.
So basically Harry says, "Sure, okay, I'll turn into a vampire, being an undead blood sucker sounds really good!" I thought there could have been a bit more of a decision making process there instead of such a fluffy rush. I like that you're showing the transformation though.Author's Response: Thanks. Report Review
I knew it!! Ha!! Aberforth is EVIL!! Bwahahahaaa Okay, so I didn't know it.but I had a strong suspicion. He was encouraging Harry's anger... and that comment about Harry's defeating Voldemort would be easy now that he had power... genius for working that all into there ;)Author's Response: Thanks. Report Review
Again with the confusing formatting. It wasn't clear before that the previous thing with Hermione was a dream...I think now that you've used underlines and italics as a POV change as well. You switch POV's like a scene in a movie changes. But the sudden POV changes that come out of nowhere and the weird formatting just confuses me, the reader. If you must have Rose throw in her musings, I would suggest some sort of divider or a note that tells the reader where we are now. And as far as Out Of Nowhere POV changes go, 3/4...no, even more than that... 9/10 of this story is from Harry's POV. And then all of a sudden we get Rose looked outside of the castle window. or She looked around. All she could see was darkness... or even It had all happened one day when she was standing was doing laundry It makes the reader, after having built up a rythm with Harry, go What The Heck?! Or in my case, the same statement said with even more obscenities than allowed in a family friendly review. Here are the options I would suggest: 1) It's not needed, get rid of it. 2) Find a way to, instead of making it from Hermione's POV with strange formatting, incorporate it into Harry's POV and make it clear that it is, in fact, a dream. 3) Find a better way to separate it from the rest. You've started italics with the past storyline, which is great...I love it...but now, after reading the whole story from Harry's POV, we're just thrown into someone else's. I like that it switches POV's, gives the story more of a three demensional view, but there's just gotta be a better way to go about making it more clear of what's going on.
I LOVE what you're doing with Harry here. It makes it so it's not like Insta-Evil Harry...but you really can get a logical feel of what's happening to him...he's going NUTS! HaHA! Lovely.Author's Response: Thanks will consider everything you said. Report Review
What's up with the weird formating at the end? Italics have started to mean it's the past's story...but what's up with the underlines and bold? I don't get it.Author's Response: Sorry. Report Review
Near the end of this chapter you managed to switch from third person to first person.Author's Response: Sorry. Report Review
I would suggest getting yourself a beta... you have some word usage issues (since/sense or rein/reign or there/their/they're) that could be easily avoided. To tell you the truth, word mistakes like that are fairly distracting and will make a person cringe enough to make them stop thinking about the story at hand. Again, small details will make a difference. They're things spellcheck won't catch, yet easily fixable.
“Petrolous totalous" Did you mean Petrificus Totalus or did you make that one up? Is the Avarium spell important to know exactly what it does later on? If not, then okay. If so, I looked it up in the latin translater and it means "greedy." Anyway, just thought you'd find that interesting.
Your descriptions are very good in this chapter. Loads better than in the prologue. I really like how you change back and forth from the "present" to the past. I like how you do that. I would like to see more of a...separation?...from past and future.. something that tells VERY clearly when we change times. Even though you just told me what time it is, the human eye doesn't always see that. It's like that email I gto wehre teh whloe thnig wsa mesesd up btu yuo colud raed it aynway. It brain is weird. It likes things to be at their simpliest. Most people do flashbacks in italics or some sort of divider...or if you gave it an enter or two more between times and bolded the times? That would be lovely.
I love how you're showing the H/Hr thing in flashbacks.
And get rid of the "I'm not good at summaries" thing in your chapter summary. Delete it, slash it like Jason from Friday the 13th, BURN it. Trust me. You'll feel loads better. And if you have any more of those somewhere, feed those to a vicious alligator. You're better than that.Author's Response: Thanks I had a beta but then he left me lol. Report Review
Hey! Thanks for asking me to read this. I'm going to be reviewing as I read. So if I say something that is obviously explained later or make a suggestion that doesn't fit with the story, then that's why. I make notes as I go. Habit of being a beta, I guess *shrugs*.
One thing that sticks out to me is your description. Personally, I don't think there's enough of it. You're not dialogue driven, which is great by me, but your descriptions are choppy. Short, choppy sentences that just flat out tell you like it is instead of showing you. I'm just going to guess that you're younger than I am by the style of writing (I'm old, compared to many of the HPFF authors) so don't what I say as a bad thing...it just means that your writing habits are average with people your age. So it's okay. But I'll give you a hint: make your sentences more fluid instead of so choppy. For example:
Voldemort's rein was putting stress on everyone. He and the others were in hiding, trying their best to take down Voldemort from behind the scenes. The were legally called Outcasts as designated by Voldemort; anyone who didn't call him by the Dark Lord was considered an Outcast.
Forced into hiding, the Outcasts--the legal name appointed by Voldemort to any and all who did not swear loyalty to the name of the Dark Lord--and were very quickly succumbing to the stress created by Voldemort's badly managed reign. Harry, along with his fellow Outcasts, were doing their best from behind the scenes to take Lord Voldemort down and put an end to his tyranny.
Okay, I just thought that up off the top of my head, but you get the point? Make it more fluid instead of so much like Dick and Jane (See Spot run. Spot runs fast. Go, Spot, go.) I think that would help a lot with your descriptions.
Oh, and the opening sentence, Harry's looking up at the sky... It would be wonderful to know what kind of sky he was looking at. Night, day, clear, cloudy, stars? Harry stared at the night sky. paints a much nicer picture than an ambiguous sky that can be anything. Little details will make the world of a difference ;)
This sentence: The prophecy made less and less since it seemed his chance would never arise to see Voldemort, much less try to kill him. makes no sense...I think I get what you're trying to say but I'm not too sure.
I like how you're going to have Harry go away to train to gain more power...but isn't it sort of obvious that he should have been doing that all along?...oh well, not a big deal... But I like that he's actually going to go train for it instead of *poof* Super Harry. I like Hermione's part in this so far. I like how you subtly made them an obvious item without having to go into "Hermione and Harry have been together since blah blah blah." Good job.
Lovely prologue.Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
Hm. Nice work!
♥Very descriptive beginning
♥I love the whole idea of Outcasts!
♥The talking at the end is SO fast! The speed/flow of the writing changed, and it was pretty weird. I would add more details! It would make this chapter work a lot better.
♥Are Harry and Hermione going out? Because, in my opinion, it was very random that he kissed her. You would have been able to pull it off with more description, like I said above.
Nice work so far! :)Author's Response: Thank you!
Hehe well you may like my later chapters more Report Review
Short but interesting.
The plot seems fine to me.
I'd say: Keep up the good work! ;)
ElvengirlAuthor's Response: Thanks! Report Review
well ur chaps are getting shorter and it feels like you're dragging the story along and as much as i like this story i feel like it isnt going anywhere, cmon dude this is a really good story! i really like it Author's Response: Don't worry I've just been busy lately as in the last few months but soon I'm planning to sit down and write a good chapter. Report Review
“Petrolous totalous” he said but just barely missing his target. He felt anger rise up in him as he saw it disappear behind trees. - quoted from Chapter 2 - Safety
Isn't this Petrificus Totalus or you just made it up? Other than that, this was once again a very well-written chapter. Kudos!Author's Response: No that was a typo *lol*.
Well thanks! Report Review
This is a very nice prolouge. You've given the readers something to look forward to as well : Harry and Hermione's relationship. This is one of the chapters you've written very well. Good job. No typos other. I absolutely like your beta.Author's Response: Well in the already written chapters of the story there isn't to much H/HR to look forward to though in future chapters there will be again.
Thanks! Report Review
These are great cant wait to keep reading...Whats really bugging me is to see how hermione is going to react to the fact that he is now a vampire. Harry has to have at least one last conversation with her if not get back with her completelyAuthor's Response: Don't worry Hermione and Harry arn't done yet Report Review
Very nice..Cant wait to see how it unfolds im loving your writing so farAuthor's Response: Thanks! Report Review
i hate it!!Harry is much stronger than this and rose doesnt deserve harry and it looks like he's cheating on hermioneAuthor's Response: Well people may not always be as strong as you think ^^.
Thanks for the review ;D. Report Review
dude that was way short make chaps longer!Author's Response: Sorry
The next chapter will be delayed cuz I'm really, really, really, sick :(. Report Review
good chap u were right it is short but looking forward to the next chapAuthor's Response: Thanks!
And I'm working on the next chapter now. Report Review
You misspelled sense and taken in the first paragraph. Remember "sense" like smell, feel, taste, etc is "sense". The one you are typing is since which is like "since then" or "ever since that happened". As far as a rating, you get a 9/10! good job!Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
This is a good start. Well written too. I was sad that you killed off Ron. With Ginny. eh. Im not really a H/hr shipper, but with this story, I shall accept!
"The prophecy made less and less since it seemed his chance would never arise to see Voldemort, much less try to kill him. " This sentance I didn't understand. Maybe you could explain? Not in the story but when you respond to my review.
As far as rating goes you get a 10/10 and a seat in my car of favorites!Author's Response: Well I ment that he had never had a chance to even see Voldemort and definitly never had a chance to fight/kill him so he was doubting the prophecy. Report Review
OMG im totally disliking aberforth now..not at all happy and what the hell is up with harry just going 'sure! i'll trun into a vampire for u rose a girl i've known for what a month?!' what an idiot...but i think u've captured the atmosphere really well and done a really good job coz i felt like i was there watching with my own eyes so ur imagery was great! update soon!!! im looking very much forward to it!!!!!!!! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks :D. And I'm writing the new chapter as I type this reply :D! Report Review
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