69 Reviews Found

Review #1, by CapricornGrl Battles and the Sixth Chicken

16th August 2007:
Woohoo this rocks, really funny.

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Review #2, by killmedarkworrior Battles and the Sixth Chicken

10th June 2007:
rotflol that was freakin awesome i didnt stop laughing all the way throught it

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Review #3, by karma_k2 Battles and the Sixth Chicken

24th October 2006:
Aw, poor Mohickin! Mmmm...chicken...*drool*
I pick...good! (Unless you change Sirius' snog-fests around so they're with me...then it's outstanding!! *gives you a cheesy grin (here you go --> ~^____^~ and then rasberries you --> =P*)

...I'm sorry. That was very rude. Of course I pick outstanding!

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Review #4, by the_almighty_vango Battles and the Sixth Chicken

5th August 2006:
Oinky, I am sending this review in a fit of RAGE! >:(
You have not updated in a looooooong time! My disapointment only grows by the second. Shame, shame, shame....

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Review #5, by singing_HP_lover1234567 Battles and the Sixth Chicken

26th June 2006:
Wow...I really like your story. Colleen must be pretty blonde to not get REALLY obvious hints...yet I know a person named Colleen who's actually very smart and nothing like what this Colleen is. I know she would like it if this Colleen was a little less ditsy. Love your story! ~ singing_HP_LOVER1234567

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Review #6, by maggiegranger Too Many Flashbacks,the First Chicken,and a Couple Breakdowns

24th June 2006:
To be honest, I had a little trouble following this story. First I'd suggest you start a new line fore eveything each character says. So, don't quote something, add the "said", and then quote someone else all in the same line.. It gets confusing. Also, when describing someones looks, it's really uneffective to simply put it in brackets next to their name. I'd suggest subtley adding it in throughout the story or else is comes off a bit Sue-ish. Aside from that, it was cute. But spend a little more time creating your OCs. Throwing three of Lily's "new" friends in at the first paragraph won't have an impact.

Mags

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Review #7, by ten_oclock Too Many Flashbacks,the First Chicken,and a Couple Breakdowns

21st June 2006:
Heya, this is Bethan from the forum. I'm reviewing under ten_oclock! Sorry it took me so long to get around to your fic! I like to start with the CC as I like to get the icky bit out of the way :P

puppy-dog-put Did you mean "pout?"

Luscious Malfoy Lucius Malfoy

Canon
”Well…..unless it’s Longbottom I guess I’ll have to agree” Frank Longbottom was meant to be quite talented and a good student -something Lily would probably have appreciated.

settle the baby Blast-Ended Skrewts Blast-Ended Skrewts were a new breed invented by Hagrid!

'I hate potions' Lily liked Potions and was very good at it -the teacher was Professor Slughorn.

Continuity
how to identify a werewolf? this would be a DADA essay not a Potions one.

After Kerrie rushes in you say they're in the DADA classroom when before you said that Lily rushed up to the dorm.

I'd be careful with the flashback things - there are a few too many, it can clog up the story a bit. I'd just have it in the past tense instea maybe? and in Italics?

There are a few grammar mistakes, but I'd just get a good beta and they'll sort it out for you. I wouldn't worry though - it doesn't detract from the story.

This was cute, funny and imaginative - not to mention REALLY random (which I like!)!

I don't want to sound pushy, but would it be alright if you went and checked out the prologue of my new fic 'Perfecting Imperfection.' Thanks alot in advance - I'd love your critique.

Bethan
ten_oclock
xxxxxxx

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Review #8, by Blueflamme Battles and the Sixth Chicken

18th June 2006:
uh... creative, but wow, you have guts or schizophrenia, either or.

Author's Response: Thank you?

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Review #9, by isteppedonsnape001 Battles and the Sixth Chicken

17th June 2006:
Okay...I'm sorry but I feel CC coming right now. (Lol) Can I just number my comments? These are in the order in which they appear in your fic. First of all, there are better ways to describe your characters' appearance or scenes than by using parentheses. Using commas in your sentences would help the reader understand them better, too. Also, I noticed that in your first chapter you spelled 'Lily' as 'Lilly.' And you dont have to use tildes and asterisks to indicate a change in POV or scene. You can simply put two or three paragraph spaces, or, when writing dreams and flashbacks, italicize the words. You also have some trouble with your sentence structure, and with the use of dashes and hyphens. There are typos, grammar and spelling errors. Your tenses are also inconsistent. These things not only make your story better, they also make your story flow nicely and make it easier to read. I also noticed that in the end of a character's line, you use 'verb + name'. For example, 'replied Lily,' 'commented Lily,' etc. There are other ways to put that, 'Lily commented.' is a simple variation. Also, it's not very believable that Remus would scream out loud that he's not a werewolf. I am very much aware that humor is essential in this story but him doing that does not fit with the smart, cautious Remus we have come to know. I also think that you could give better descriptions of scenes (e.g. when Kerrie appeared with the revealing outfit) if they were given through a character's POV. Because basically, all the descriptions sound like YOU'RE the one who's giving them, and that doesnt really work for the story. But enough about her, let us go visit our favorite little troublemakers! (Drum roll please!) The Marauders! I think A/Ns are okay, but only when they are enclosed in parentheses and not in sentence form. Like I said, it doesnt work for the story and gives the story a poor look. Your descriptions also just plainly state what is happening and doesnt give much insight on how the character feels. If you put more of the thoughts and feelings of the character, readers would understand better, and you would be able to add more humor to the story. I was particularly suprised when Lily snogged Sirius, saying 'No fair!' I know this is AU, but lots of people still value the James/Lily ship. Also, you've made Sirius seem like a airheaded, dim-witted, egotistic freak the whole time. I must admit, it does add to the humor, but Sirius was funny, charming and smart when he was in school. The lack of character in your characters contribute to the whole story being short in depth. And, during your last chapter, I have to admit: From the paragrapg that started with 'Maybe' till the end, I did not understand anything. The flow was just confusing. I think you focused more on the humor, rather than how understandable your story is. Weird things make the story funnier, but so can things that are not necessarily bizarrer and out-of-this-world. It just depends on how you put it. Lastly, you dont need to insult anyone or anything to be funny. Please keep that in mind.

I'm sorry I've been harsh on you, but humor is a very crucial, and sensitive topic when it comes to writng. I also feel this fic has a lot of potential. If think about what I've written, I'm sure you could make your fic a great deal better than it is now. Also, you could ask for assistance from a beta. There would be lots willing to help you. :)

Author's Response: Oh, wow, that is a lot to absorb, I will look over my chapters and correct to make things a little easier to understand. Thank you for your novel-length review!

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Review #10, by Sophia Weasley Battles and the Sixth Chicken

12th June 2006:
i have added u 2 my faves! KEEEP WRITING!

Author's Response: Sweet! I am glad that you enjoyed my story! 5th chappie in queue!

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Review #11, by Sophia Weasley Weasels, Snogs, and a Diffrent Side of Kerrie

8th June 2006:
love you even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm a baaad girl compared to kerrie.... i date 7 boiz aweek 'n' never do my homework. i party 6 days a week and streak across football pitches. Beat that!!!

Author's Response: hehe! Yes well I date 19 boyz a week, have others do my homework, and frequently go Lady Kadiva-ing! lol, jk jk jk jk! Thank you for your review!

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Review #12, by Sophia Weasley Halloween and the Next Four Chickens

8th June 2006:
i am dying still! u r my fave author write more more more!

Author's Response: Thank you, Thank you very much! Thanks for the review!

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Review #13, by Sophia Weasley Too Many Flashbacks,the First Chicken,and a Couple Breakdowns

8th June 2006:
this AMAZING! mwah i lovre u! p.s. note from friend: I have just wet myself. All your faut.

Author's Response: Thank you! I take full responscibility for the fact you wet yourself! It takes true brilliance! Thank you for your review!

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Review #14, by germanchoklitcake Battles and the Sixth Chicken

6th June 2006:
what's up with ur chapter? are you sure you submitted it?

Author's Response: Yea,I just had some 'sirius' issues....hehe pun intended!

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Review #15, by greentea Battles and the Sixth Chicken

3rd June 2006:
Oh yes, I have heard of this raptor and it's almighty glory. I give it a 10, madamemoiselle.

Author's Response: Lol! Thank you for the score a la perfect!

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Review #16, by greentea Weasels, Snogs, and a Diffrent Side of Kerrie

3rd June 2006:
Ah, the weasels and the oranges of vanna, I recall these.

Author's Response: YOU ARE AMERYCKA!!! I think....Oh God, I am bothered by this! Oh Thank you for reviewing! I am glad you like!

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Review #17, by greentea Halloween and the Next Four Chickens

3rd June 2006:
First of all, Vanna got me hooked on Phantom, also PLEASE do type the random outbursts! I like pain if it's from randomness. And the dress from think of me is my fave!

Author's Response: Wait....your not Mandi....are you Amerycka?.....Oh God I am confused! I know someone told me they were greentea....Oh Crap! Sorry! I'm glad you like it! Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #18, by greentea Too Many Flashbacks,the First Chicken,and a Couple Breakdowns

3rd June 2006:
Oooo! Me likey. I'm a friend of vanna's. She told me to read this.

Author's Response: Mandi! You told me your name, don't try to trick me! Just caus eI'm blond and gullible......yea Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #19, by mandi Battles and the Sixth Chicken

26th May 2006:
Have you submited your fifth chapter??? Oh and um, i just want you to know that i just sent that thingy to your... never mind ill just tell you at scool!

Author's Response: Umm...kk! Thank you for reviewing my story for no apparent reason!

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Review #20, by Yuu Battles and the Sixth Chicken

11th May 2006:
‘Yeah-huh!’

‘Nuh-uh!’

‘Yea-huh!’

‘Nuh-uh!!’

This made me laugh. Lily is being so silly!

"Said a hose elf named Pinquelin,..." Funny name. Anyway, you wrote 'hose' instead of 'house'.

The thought of DVDs in the 70s is quite amusing, especially since I believe that Betamax and VHS had just been developed. LOL

That bit about the Mohawk chicken and the house elf was extremely confusing. Very random, I guess.

“You mean other that the ones you have already? Because there ain’t no way I can help you with those.” For some reason, I cannot imagine Lily using 'ain't'. I think her English would be a bit more refined, but I forgive you since this is a parody. :)

Computers and online fanfiction in Marauder era? Hehehe! Okay, that computer bit was err... weird.

Many things honestly don't make much sense, even if they can be funny. Maybe you should work a bit on that so that not all humor parts will look like thrown at random. There are many ways of being funny with just what you have instead of searching for too many wild inserted scenes. Just a suggestion. It's your fic, your style, and I'm sure you'll try the best you can with the way in which you write. ;) You can also get a helpful beta that can not only help you with typos, but also with the plot. :)



Author's Response: Thank you, after that review, I'm pretty sure you like it...though I am confused.....Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #21, by Yuu Weasels, Snogs, and a Diffrent Side of Kerrie

11th May 2006:
Don't know what to say. It's not easy to review parodies, you know? They are made to make people laugh so you cannot give much CC to one. Anyway, the snogging part was strange, especially how Lily acted. Hehe! On to the next!

Author's Response: Glad you liked!

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Review #22, by Yuu Halloween and the Next Four Chickens

11th May 2006:
I consider myself fairly good with Humour, even if not an expert. I have my style though so I'm out of ideas for you. Anyway, keep trying and try to think your ideas throughly so that they won't come out too messy and disorganized when writing. I think it's a bit funny, not as in I would fall off my chair, but it's all right. I imagined Colleen like these cute anime girls with the bunny ears and stuff. It's an odd image, especially since it tends to be associated with Playboy... lol Anyway, on to the next. :)

Author's Response: Haha...I imagine a lot of people would see it that way....too bad you can't put pics on the story....Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #23, by Yuu Too Many Flashbacks,the First Chicken,and a Couple Breakdowns

11th May 2006:
Ooh! Marauder era! People keep trying to convert me and I've been actually enjoying many Marauder era fics lately, even though I used to avoid them. lol Well, I can keep R&R them, but I don't think I will ever write a Marauder fic. Who knows?

You have Lily written as Lilly several times. It's a bit funny to see it written as Lily and suddenly as Lilly. Anyway, the canon one is Lily so you should fix that and you'll be settled.

Hmm... Interesting. Instead of using Slughorn you introduced a new Potions Master so I guess this is AU in that sense. Also, Lily is supposed to be extremely good at Potions so it's funny to see her hating them so much. Very AU indeed, but Marauder era is quite open to a writer's interpretation of it. ;)

Okay, I got very confused by the end of the chapter. Is this a Parody? Blast-Ended Skrewts were a type of creature Hagrid made by crossing manticores with fire-crabs so they shouldn't even be there. LOL But if this is a Parody, all right. Parodies are very open to even mix with wrong eras and stuff. :)


Author's Response: How tru, howtrue, I put things in my story like those to see what people will pick up, you are 2nd to ppick up 'lilly' and the 1st to pick up the 'blast-ened skrewt' as well as the fact that lily did not like potions...kudos! Thank you for revewing!

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Review #24, by manda Weasels, Snogs, and a Diffrent Side of Kerrie

10th May 2006:
i know i reviewed this before but i wanted you to know that if kerrie were real and you were here and also if kerrie was a certain mean person in our class... *goes on and on*... we would so sizzle!
oooooooo...tssssssssssssssssssss- owch! my finger!

Author's Response: um.....ok? manda that was r a n d o m and I am concerned for you although if Kerrie were a certain mean person we WOULD sizzle! Thank you for reviewing Mandy!

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Review #25, by GryffindorGoddess06 Battles and the Sixth Chicken

8th May 2006:
Honestly? Some parts were a bit hard to follow, though, and I know that it was a really non-original and pretty dumb joke, I laughed for five minutes after that thing with, "She's Lily. I'M Sirius!" I just couldn't stop!!! THAT was my fav part! =D

Author's Response: Hhaha, it is funny how often that happens...Thank you for reviewing!

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