Reading Reviews for Betrayal
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by forget_me_not Heartbreak

21st May 2006:
Forgot to add-just one technicality, Ron and Hermione were caught in the girls' dormitories. According to canon, boys cannot enter girls' dorms, but girls can enter the boys'. So just switch that around and it'll be fine =D

Author's Response: thanks...but i dont think ti really matters...thanks though...

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Review #2, by forget_me_not Heartbreak

21st May 2006:
Eeek! I'm SO sorry! You asked me to have a look at your stories ages ago, and I promised I would have a read when I was finished with assignments--but obviously that didn't happen *guilty face* When you asked me, I had three assignments and after I had handed them in, I got five more, then I was away for two weeks and then I had half yearly exams to study for and eventually sit.

SO, now I've got the time to read this! I think that this was good try at an over-used...story format, I shall call it. By this I mean the "(your name)". It is used quite often, and I suggest that if you wish to improve your stories, and overall, your writing talent, that you do not use this particular format again. To put it bluntly, it does not exude...sophistication (of writing). I think that you should keep it in this story, just avoid using it in later stories.

There are some neutral words that you have used that could be easily changed into emotive words. For example "you finally got free of his grasp and walked away from him finally breaking down into pitiful sobs." This already tells you that she is upset and angry, but you can reinforce that by changing "walking" to "storming" or something similar. Emotive langauge is more often than not a positive asset to a story, so it can't hurt to make a little tweaks here and there.

Dialogue. I always feel weird commenting on people's dialogue, because it's my own weak point, but I'll just give some thoughts on it. The "(your name)" irratated me a little bit because it just took away from the story. The way you can do that is to rewrite your dialogue so it is not necessary to put it there, which I did in one of my stories, where I purposely didn't give a character a name, and I just wrote the dialogue how I thought it would be realistic without the person's name. You could think about how you used "(your name)" when "you" caught Ron and Hermione. Ron called out "(your name)" and now that I think about it, if you were caught in that situation, you would be struggling to get the words out of your mouth because you were shocked at being caught and the realisation of what you were doing, so perhaps you may just skip out on the person's name. That's just my opinion though. However, I felt the rest of your dialogue was realistic and well-written.

A reason this story seems short is because you have given just the bare details with the plot, with just a few little pieces of imagery. I'm a fan of imagery, although I can relate to stories that don't have it. Some people dislike reading/writing imagery and if you are one of these people, and intended to write the story as such, do not change it. It is your preference, but it is always a good idea to write one or two one-shots (probably no chapter fics, because unless you write it with imagery all way through, it makes it seem inconsistent) with imagery, because it just lets you practise another writing skill. If so, try to make imagery emotive and I advise not to put imagery in just to pad out a story. Use it where and in such amounts that it can be revelevant and effective.

I liked the persona you gave Seamus, as we don't read enough of him in canon and you delved more into his character, but with admirable subtly.

"Sexercise"! Haha, loved it! It was just something so silly to say. Hilarious. Little lines like that placed here and there always weaken the drama a bit, which is a GOOD thing. I envy you, I'm horrible at that. You seem to have a knack for it. Develop that and you could find it a great asset to call on when writing.

This is getting really long, so I'll just wrap it up. Your story has a lot more positives than negatives, I've just written the latter because I believe that giving suggestions on improvments more useful than ego boosts. It is extremely good for one of your first stories and your plot was fast-paced, but well-written. You have a lot of talent, so keep writing to fine-tune your skill. Bye bye :)

Author's Response: k thanks

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Review #3, by witch767667 Heartbreak

28th March 2006:
Wow that was shocking!!!! I liked it though!!!!!

Author's Response: yay! glad that u liked it! so...are you planning to write a story soon? because i'd love to review yours if you did!

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Review #4, by witch767667 Heartbreak

28th March 2006:
Wow that was shocking!!!! I liked it though!!!!!

Author's Response: lol thank you! going to change hermione to lavendar tho because one of the other reviewers (thanks for the tip) said that she would be more fitting...yes i think so myself lol

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Review #5, by FutureAggie09 Heartbreak

26th March 2006:
I liked it; although I think you should change Hermione to Lavender, because Hermione is way too concerned with the rules and "the right thing to do" to cheat with Ron. great story though!

Author's Response: hmm yeah...good point. thanks ill change it when the site is working well again...thanks for your review =)

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Review #6, by busybusybeta Heartbreak

23rd March 2006:
that is extremely sweet. but it was so confusing trying to put my name into all of the blanks. perhaps you should write a fic with fake people and real names next time? it was great. and please consider letting me beta for you?

Author's Response: aww shucks thank you=) and yeah...ill do that for my next fic. oh! thank you! yes! id love it if you were my beta! thanx for the review=)

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Review #7, by anna Heartbreak

22nd March 2006:
cool story.wish youd made it longer though.

Author's Response: thanks...ill prolly make a sequel if im not too lazy lol

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Review #8, by Jenna Heartbreak

22nd March 2006:
This was pretty good, the only problem, I reeeaalllyy dont like Seamus. If it was Ron or Harry It would have been better (for me anyway) im sure theres people out there that love Seamus, nice writting though.

Author's Response: tru that! i dont really like Seamus too and i'd prefer Harry but i thought that it would've been more fitting for the story. Thanks for the review=)

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Review #9, by catseyes Heartbreak

19th March 2006:
oh im fuming now! that Hermione! sometimes i just hate her so much! i like this story

Author's Response: im really glad that you like this story, and have been reviewing the rest too. nah Hermione's ok, i just needed a plot for this story so...yeah...

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Review #10, by Paige Weasley Heartbreak

12th March 2006:
Oh... What happens next? UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: well u will have to guess until its updated lol...haha im evil i know...thanks for the review=) i will dearly cherish it like my other ones=)

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Review #11, by ErikandChristine Heartbreak

9th March 2006:
hey, yeah you made a new story well so far its a good start. pleae keep going or i wil track you down to make you rite it, muhahah, ok ahem, sorry about that. Anywho, keep it up, its okay i understand about other, work, oh and when are you going update ur other story? - ur faithful reviewer

Author's Response: yeah i updated my second chapter of lunas story but then i think they deleted it or sumtin...

Author's Response: track me down and make sure i write it eh?...dont worry my friend has taken the liberty to doing that...damn her...thought she was my friend....sometimes im just so lazy to continue so i just write a new story lol...

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