Quite an excellent start. I look forward to more. I too have a story on this site if you care to read it.

Jack

Author's Response: Thanks for the review i will read yours

 Report Review

an interesting shift of relationship extremes here. should be interesting to se where this goes. i too have a story on this site if you care to read it.

 Report Review

good story

 Report Review

Let's not say "it sucks," let's say it's a "work in progress." You covered an enormous amount of material in 500 words, far too much, really, even if it is a prelude to the main story. I believe most writers would consider what you have here as an outline. Try going back and fleshing out the different things you talked about. Also, Harry would not have told Molly about the Horcruxes and he would not have caved in to her wishes that easily, in my opinion. You also need to work on your grammar. I shall assume you did not have a "beta" read over this first because I would hope no HPFF beta reader would allow this many typos in a story... Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or discouraging, but the punctuation in most of your dialog is incorrect. For example:

“Thanks, Mum.” Ron said and kissed her on the cheek.

should be:

“Thanks, Mum,” Ron said kissing her on the cheek.

These are small things, I know, but they do add up. Check under "Get Help" on the HPFF home page and see if you can get a "beta" reader to proof your work and check for consistancy.

But whatever you do, do not stop writing & reading!

S.


 Report Review