I like the idea for the story. Itâs interesting to see how Emily would cope with being a Squib from a pureblooded family. I think you could introduce everyone a bit more, especially Emily. Except for her looks and her desire to go to Hogwarts, I donât know anything about her. The chapter could also use a bit more description here and there, and instead of âTwo days laterâ or âTwo hours laterâ, you could describe the party or the situation around Emily.
You used âsaidâ a lot, and that could get boring. Try using other variations of it, like âscreamâ, âwhisperâ, etc. I suggest you find a beta reader. The forum or Perfect Imagination is a good place to find one. Or you can PM me(My penname is the same there as here). Iâm not as experienced as some people on the forum, but I can help you if you want. ^_^
What kind of Pureblood family is her family? How come they have a TV? Even purebloods like the Weasleys, who donât hate Muggles, donât use TV, so how come the Taylors have one? You might want to clear that up.
The timeframe in Emilyâs birthday was slightly confusing. The day started with Emily waking up, which means itâs in the morning, but then this line came: âEmily! Hurry, Iâve baked your birthday cake. Come on, two minutes are left for you to be eleven.â It gave the impression that it was midnight on her birthday, yet a couple paragraphs after that you wrote âlater in the afternoon...â Perhaps Iâm missing something, but itâs slightly confusing.
I really like how you wrote McGonagall coming into the house, but the way she broke the news and immediately left gave the impression that she didnât care. She couldâve offered as solution or explaining a bit more about what a Squib can do in the magical world.
The dream about Voldemort is interesting, but it would be doubly so if you had described it and not just write it in passing. And how come Emily wasnât scared when she knew it was Voldemort? It is quite an important scene. And I wonder what news McGonagall have for them.
All in all, this was a good chapter. A little improvement here and there would make it better, but itâs good. Keep it up!Author's Response: Yes, I know I know. This chapter wasn't too good and descriptions were little. I think I'll get a beta in my next stories, because this one is already finished.
The Taylors live in a muggle house and it's explained in one of the next chapters.
I know I've rushed her birthday, but I meant that she turned eleven exactly at 2 pm or something (The exactly time she was born).
Professor McGonagall broke those news that way because she was really serious and after all she was very confused because Emily was supposed to be a witch and it was known to her and Dumbledore before, so she was surprised and she wanted to tell the Taylors about the sad news.
Emily wasn't scared when she saw Voldemort because she didn't know about him at all.
Thanks for reading. I really like this review, it's helped me alot to be careful in some parts in the story. Thanks again =) Report Review
wow weirdness, cool storyAuthor's Response: Thanks!! Report Review
Very interesting! So, was she just dreaming it? I'm really puzzled right now, but I think you'll explain that in the next chapter. I think you could have mentioned what the Hat's song was all about, even if you don't want to write a whole song. And about the Chamber of Secrets plotline: I think you should mark the whole story as AU and put an A/N into the first chapter. I think I can see why you don't want that plotline in your fic, and I don't mind, but some readers might be disappointed.One general thing; I think you should take a little more time describing. Your plot (as far as I know it, of course) looks good, but your style is still a bit hurried. Just... I don't know how to put it... a little more colour. Yes, I know, that doesn't really help you. You can always PM me on the HPFF forums if you like (my name there's loony86, too), and maybe we can talk about the story a bit more?I hope I didn't pull you down or anyting... Because that was never my intention! I enjoy your story, I think the plot sounds really great so far. Keep writing!Author's Response: Thank you for your review :). You'll know everything in the next chapters. There will be surprises, too. I am going to update the whole story and there will be changes, lots of them. I'll do as you told me (mark the whole story as AU and put an A/N into the first chapter). I won't add the COS thing because it
s not the main thing here. I have a different plot line and it won't be important. Besides, I don't think I can write it ;) and even if I did it won't be very good. Things will be described better, I hope, because as I said I'll update it. I've rewrited most of it. Of course every word you said helps me alot. You didn't put me down, you never did. You always help me in my writing style and that pleases me :). Thaks for R&R! Report Review
Ah! Good for you that it wasn't really Voldemort - I wouldn't quite have believed that. It was a great cliffhanger, though. ;) The plot is really interesting! But hey, you know that not all Slytherins are evil, right? I'm one at heart. And I'm not evil. ;) I can't wait to see how you incorporate the plot of CoS into your story - because it takes place in that year unless I'm counting weirdly again...âDonât worry,â said Alyson âYouâll be there after a few hours and youâll see for yourselfâ. - Somehow that sounds a bit unfriendly to me. I know it's not meant to be that; maybe you could add that Aly is smiling or something like that."Just as Emily had stopped crying. Her mother arrived at home." is actually one sentence. "and as Emily entered the kitchen. Both of them smiled at her." - same here. Words like "as" or "if" always stand at the beginning of a sub-clause, and have to be followed (or sometimes preceded) by a main clause.One thing I've noticed is that you tend to repeat words, to use the same expressions several times in one paragraph. I know that if you try to vary that "by force", it can break your flow. But you should try, it would improve your style a lot, I think. Apart from that, I like your story! =) And your writing has improved a lot already since chapter one; you're starting to add more discription. =) I think I've talked enough for one review now. ;) Have fun writing!Author's Response: Thank you!! I appreciate your review very much. You don't know how much reviews mean to me :). I'll try to fix the mistakes that you've pointed out for me. I don't remember mentioning that Slytherins are evil, but I'll see if I have anyways. In the story, the chamber of secrets thing won't happen. My story is going to be different. Sorry, if you don't like it. Please check the sixth chapter and I'll post the seventh ASAP. Thanks again for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Ooh. Bizarre!!! I wanna know what happens next!!!!!!!! Post the next chapter. NOW!!! :P lol, great fic!!!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like my story so far. Only afew people read my stories on other sites. This site's great!! lol. I have submitted the fifth chapter two times already, but it wasn't accepted in either times. I will try again anyways. Keep checking for updates Report Review
Oooh!!! I'm using a lot of 'O's' in my reviews for you! lol!!! Interesting!!! Very Interesting!!! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Ooooohhhh!!!! I'm even more intrigued!!! I really have to read more!!! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Ooh! Intriguing!!! I like this!!! I'm gonna go read more now!!! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Very interesting... I hope you'll explain all the questions you raise, like: Why is Emily important enough for LV to come himself? Why is there blood on his knife? How did he manage to change a squib into a witch? (That's what interests me most, in ways, because it would give us something to discuss with regard to other squibs, like Filch, and I'm always on the look for what powers LV might have. I know that turning squibs into wizards/witches is not canon, but it's worth a second thought, I think. Good idea, by the way! :)) I trust you, I know you'll answer all those questions in the next chapters, and in the meantime, I'll keep guessing! (Which is fun!)Author's Response: Sure. I'll answer those questions. I can tell you that the knife had blood on it because LV is a horrible person. He loves killing people. Also to scare Emily.
Keep checking for uptades. Report Review
This one was very good! I cannot wait to see what happens to Emily! I have some mistakes to point out, however. 1) [i]How could that happen? [/i] If you would like to make it in italics you should use this and this . 2) âThere where?â she asked but heâd disappeared and she waked up from her dream. '' You mean she woke up. That's all I have to say, good work, everdreams! ~AnastasiaAuthor's Response: Thank you for pointing out those mistakes. I'll change the first one. The past tense of 'wake' is 'waked/ woke'. Thank you for telling me and thank you for reading and reviewing. Keep checking for updates!! Report Review
Good ideas so far! I'm already wondering what Voldemort will make her do... Will we get to know why Dumbledore chose such a weird place to meet Emily and her mother? Also, I think Albus and Minerva should be doing a lot more wondering and maybe even worrying about Emily's sudden change. They don't seem quite real to me, somehow. Aside from that, it's an interesting story!Author's Response: Thank you! You'll know what voldy wants her to do in the next chapters, but you won't know why dumbledore chose such a weird place.. Thank u for R&R!! Report Review
Minerva doesn't have to visit twice a day, she could send an owl. Just a thought. And I'll keep reading, of course!Author's Response: Ok, I'll change it. Thanks for your help!! Report Review
I don't think Minerva would ever use a phone, nor do I think that a pure blood family would even have one, and the same goes for TV. ;-) But aside from that, the plot is still good - but it still needs more details. I know you feel you have a story to tell and don't want to "leave the track", but it will get even better if you make up some things that aren't exactly important for the story. It's like pictures: You can show what something looks like in a pencil draft, but a coloured painting just looks nicer.
(Tell me if you want me to shut up; I'm just trying to help, no offense meant. ;-)Author's Response: Well, I thought it would be weird if McGonagall visits them twice a day. Thanks for telling me that cuz I didn't notice that. I will add more details in the next chapters.I know you're trying to help and I like that. Always, tell me your opinion. That's the advantage of reviewing: to know others' opinion. I have submitted the third chapter ,by the way, but it hasn't been added on the site yet. Keep checking for updates!! Report Review
I like the idea of your story very much. Just one thing: I think you should have made the descriptions and all those things around the main message a little longer. You kind of hurry through the story a bit. But I know it's one of your first stories, and I know things like hurrying the plot get better automatically as you go on writing. Anyway, I like the plot you seem to have planned, and you have my very best wishes. Don't stop writing, for that's always a bad idea. ;-)Author's Response: I'm so glad you like the story.And about hurrying the plot: I'll try to make the description longer in the next chapters.Thank you for reviewing.Keep checking for updates!! Report Review
Very good chapter. The plot is becoming interesting now, can't wait for an update! ~AnastasiaAuthor's Response: Thank you, Anastasia. I will update soon. Report Review
This story is fantastic! Really, the idea is original and the main character, Emily, is greatly depicted. Very good start. This story is going to my favourites. ~AnastasiaAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you like it. I'd submitted it before and it was much better, but it was rejected because I'd accidently posted it blank and I didn't have any back up. I'm going to submit the next chapter soon. Keep checking for updates :) Report Review
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