This was pretty good! I enjoyed reading this a lot. I think you gave a very realistic and believable glimpse into what could have happened the night Sirius left his parents' home. I like reading such "missing moments" and yours was definitely fitting.
Your portrayal of Sirius was really good too. He behaved very canon-ish and you captured his thought process perfectly too. The pain and anger he felt because of his parents' words was very palpable throughout. I liked how you didn't jump straight into the action and instead started the story with introducing the situation a little which justified his leaving home better. The ending was pretty cool too, I liked the idea of James and Sirius already having planned Sirius' leaving, and James waiting for him.
The only small CC I have for you is that I'd have liked to perhaps see a little more anger on Sirius' parents part. For instance, it would have been great if you'd shown the part about Sirius' mother (or was it his father?) blasting Sirius off the family tree thing in front of Sirius. Some drama is always appreciated ;)
Also, there were a few typos here and there. Like, in this sentence - "mahogany desk that set idly in the corner of his room." - I think should be sat and not set?
Then, somewhere you said, "I could care less..." when I believe it should be "I couldn't care less...".
But apart from that, it was all very nicely done. I really enjoy your writing and the way you captured Sirius and the scenario. The grammar and all was pretty okay too, and this flowed smoothly. I had a good time reading this =)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Oh Aditi, Aditi. Do you know how old this story is *hides* it's getting to the point where several people are reading my older things and it just makes me want to hide hahaha.
I vaguely remember the events of this story :P But I remember that Sirius left and was really angry and his parents were angry and he went to live with James, right? Well, thanks for your comments there.
I wanted to mention one thing about the typos. Saying "I could care less" is actually an Americanism. I think I only just found out this year that "I couldn't care less" is the correct form, here most people say "I could care less" so I had no idea in 2006 :P or 2007...whenever I wrote this anyway. But you're definitely right about the other one it should be sat.
Thank you very much for reading my story :) Report Review
Ashlleyy you just gave me lotsa Sirius feels.
I discovered two things while scrolling down your AP looking for this. One: you write a lot of Snape. Two: you have a lot of stories. Haha, I'm a perceptive thing, aren't I?
I really liked that you sort of showed us that Sirius may not have had this kind of estrangement from his family if they'd have tried to accept him. Obviously it's good that he does have it, because we don't want him ending up like the rest of the Blacks. But it's almost like if they'd have been nicer to him, maybe he wouldn't have decided to forsake everything that they'd been raised with. Again, it's good he did... but still. The old crazy Blacks sort of put this on themselves.
I liked the details about Regulus. It was a really strong reminder of why such a young boy would chose to devote his life to the Dark Lord. With your parents constantly saying you're the best, and hold you on such a high standard, it seems natural that he'd do whatever he needed to stay in that positive light.
It's ironic that the Black parents basically destroyed both their children. The pushed Sirius away so dirastically that he eventually dies to destroy everything they represent, and they hold Regulus so close that he feels he has no other choice but to embrace their way. And of course, eventually become part of the Dark Lords rank, then die in a final attempt to do something good.
Why are you giving me all these Black brother feels? :(
It was a small detail, but the idea that his parents hadn't bought him any new clothes since he got sorted into Gryffindor is SO SAD. SO FREAKING SAD. I loved the way he flipped out when his mum started talking bad about Mrs. Potter. No one talks bad about Olivia, you evil woman! Ah ha! Take that! Sorry, temporarily pretending I'm with Sirius.
Sirius's section where he talks about not being good because he's nice person, and such... I've always wondered if someone did something along those lines. Like sat these crazy blood purity nutters down and said, look here - Look here Voldy, you are JUST A PERSON. YOU AREN'T BETTER. YOU HAVE NO NOSE. Okay, sorry, getting off track. It was such a simple thing he told them, but so true. I loved that he didn't hold back, either.
Awww James is so cute. They both are. It felt like Sirius finally stepped into somewhere that he was wanted, where he belonged, at the end of this. And I love that James offered food, because what teenage boy isn't hungry? Haha.
This was such a sweet little one shot, Ash! Well, sweet by the end. Even your older pieces are still so much fun to read ♥Author's Response: Jami!
I used to write a lot of Snape, that is definitely true. but not as much anymore :P
I kind of like to think that Sirius had a pretty good childhood and life until he was sorted into Gryffindor but that's just my thoughts on things.
You know that is true about the Black children, it's super easy to blame everything on Druella or whatever her name is. She's evil, but I think in this story I kind of portrayed her as pushing her sons that way. I can't remember it's been a very long time since I wrote this :)
Isn't it sad that Sirius's parents just kind of cut him off? jerks!
ahahaha love the part about voldemort, that's very true, he doesn't have a nose. I loved that hahaha. Cracks me up.
And I loved writing James in this which is weird but I felt so bad for Sirius that I let it slide.
you know what's weird? I have no recollection of writing this story at all. I mean I know I wrote it obviously. But I have no recollection of it. What does that say about me?!?
Thanks so much for your review!! Report Review
Oh how i wish he would have hexed his parents and brother before leaving. it would have served them right. Another great story. happy writing.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! I agree, they would have deserved it, but I think Sirius just wanted to get out of there! haha :) Report Review
ok rita...i like this quite a lot...still, I think it could be even better.
Your descriptions weren`t bad, but you could add so much more emotion to this. Try delving more into it, really pull at our heart strings and make us really feel what Sirius feels. You do that here, yet you could go even deeper into it I think.
Also, try acompanieing (sp?) your dialogue with a bit more description. What does said person look like as he speaks? What does his face say, and his body language? Just really try to make it easier for us to imagine being there.
Really, all of that is advice I mayself have been given :P
As I said though, I really enjoyed this and think you did a marvelous job at writting Sirius.
Also...at one point, when padfoot is getting ready to leave the house, he says something along the lines of "you dont love me because I dont want to kill people who are different." However, in OOTP, Sirius tells us that however fanatic his parents were, they backed away when Voldemort started killing.
But...yea...it was a pretty good read. Good enough that its going in my favs.
drewAuthor's Response: Hah well sorry this response took so long, my computer never recovered so I had to wait until I was on campus.
I'd agree that I could add more emotions. I only suggested this story because you said Sirius was your favorite. I wrote it for a challenge about 2 years ago and I don't even like it, lol.
There are so many things I could add to it, description wise. Ugh, so lacking. Sad day fo rme.
you're right about the thing in OOTP, but I figure that even though they backed away from the killing, in Sirius's mind, their treatment of him is just as bad as sympathizing with killing. That's my explanation on THAT one, and i think I did well, lol.
Thank you again, your insight is golden :) Report Review
I really liked this--you didn't leave anything out for Sirius--his brother, his father, his mother (of course... and the 'lump' description was perfect), and even his disgust at the house!
What I particularly liked was the way Sirius's behavior, tone, and language changed when he showed up at the Potters. He becomes more insolent (but in a relaxed, adorable way), more loose, more sarcastic--more Sirius. Author's Response: Well thank you so much! I really appreciate you reading this as it isn't one of my favorites and I always hated my marauder fanfics, but your kind words make me think twice! thank you! Report Review
Masterfully done! You have brought a new level to the character of Sirius Black.Author's Response: Well thank you very much, I do not read many Sirius stories, I wrote that one as a challenge, and I think it turned out alright! Report Review
Wonderful! You write with such power behind every word, and the dialogue portrays each character in perfect correspondence with the books! This story was like a chunk out of real life mixed with magic to spice things up. I love the way you totally took these characters that we don't really know much about, except for Sirius, who doesn't count because he changed during his time in azkaban, and made them into real people I could care about and love; and that is a task not many could do-certainly not me. That's one of the things I have trouble with. The only problem I noticed with this, is that every now and again you forget to start your dialogue out with quotation marks once in a while. It's a little confusing, but not too bad. I loved this story, and will probably read it time and time again and never get board. Great work! 10-10Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a wonderful review! It warmed my heart to see that people still read this story, which I haven't given much thought since I wrote a year ago. About the quotation thing, I will definately check and see if I can't get that fixed, I honestly haven't read it in a very long time, so I'll see if I can mend that.
I have never felt too highly about this stoy and I thought the ending was awkward, but I am so glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks so much for your kind remarks :) Report Review
This was good.
Not your best work, but still good. Sirius was in character, and I like what he was upset about. It wasn't one specific thing that caused him to leave the house, it was years of frustration being let out at once. The conversation with his mom when he interrupts her and says that he Knows, he Knows is great. That line is very 16-year-old, and fits well with Sirius.
I was surprised that James was waiting up for him. Did Sirius have that particular night planned out? I did kind of like how casual he made his arrival. The parents are asleep (one wonders if they knew Sirius was going to move in *grin*) and James points out the bedroom before going to bed.
Anywho - good job. I think I'll try out your 'letters' story next. Looks pretty interesting. :)Author's Response: haha, well thanks! This is def. not my favorite story, I wrote it for a challenge and of all my stories it's probably my least favorite, but there are still a couple good lines in it I guess. I'm very self critical ;) Report Review
Loved it. Well doneAuthor's Response: Thanks :) Report Review
nice charaterisation it fits how rowling describes Sirius and what she vaguely portrayed of his parents. nice workAuthor's Response: Thanks very much for such a great compliment and review ! Report Review
Aw, this is really sad! You've done a good job with Sirius' parents, and the ay he was tearing up the bedroom seemed very much in-character. I smiled when he skipped down the street. Good oneshot! The only suggestion I can think of is, the conversation with James seemed a little stiff. Maybe they could hug or something. It was really good either way, though. I wrote a story about the day Sirius left home, too, if you ever want to check it out. It's called Blasted Tapestry. xoxo NepheleAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I knew that the whole James things was forced, but that was mostly because I didn't know how to end it. But your suggestions have been taken in and I'll see if I can't do anything to fix the stiffness of it! Thanks again for taking your time to review!!~ Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection