I am so sorry. But I really dont like to lie. I really didnt like that story. I hated it. But I aint saying your writing is bad. I just really didnt like the story. Its way too OC and cruel in such a non-logical way. It sorta made me sick, no where near crying.
Lady SerendipityAuthor's Response: too bad u didn't like it:( anyway, don't think abt me the same thing u think abt the story Report Review
I read this for my 'Make Me Cry' challenge- I didn't cry, sorry! (Sorry for any typos in my review!)
This story wans't that good- I'm really sorry to say that, but there was just too many things that didn't make sense. I will however give you credit when it is due. These are my favorite quotes:
1. "'How touching… baby Potter is crying for a senile, old man!" Bellatrix Lestrange laughed. "
2. "I've realized you MUST die! There is nothing worst than death for you! "
3. "She bought it initially for her wedding with Ron. They had been planning it for months, but now…she was wearing it with the purpose to say good-bye to the world."
Those were great! Nice job!
Now here are my critiques:
1. "Malfoy said with a calm, thou icy voice." ---You said that but put everything he said in exclimation points, implying that he is not calm.
2. "Wait a second Colin! We can't just go there! They'll murder all of us! We need to get help!" Harry said now, very alarmed."--- Very OoC for Harry. Why would he go for help when his best friend was close to dieing? Rember the whole Sirius thing in the fifth book? He acts impusivley and has a 'saving people thing.'
3. You really need double spaces between quotes and things- makes it easier to read.
4. Quiditch is spelled wrong. (I'm not sure if I spelled it right over there, but I know the way you did it was not correct.)
5. McGonagall's office's password wouldn't likely be that obvious- but good job picking that up! When I first read this I was like, she doesn't have a password- but she took Dumbledore's office! Good job! :D
6. "She transfigured herself in the grey cat and jumped threw the window."---- She doesn't need to transfigure herself- she can turn into one at will. I think that may have been what you meant, but try to make it a bit more clear.
7. ""He killed her!" he said threw tears."--- Should be through, not threw.
8. All of these quotes sounded weird and unnatural. Try reading them out loud and see what I mean:
"I presume they are there!"
"Yes! That's what I think too!"
"I know! Hermione must be tortured right in this instance!"
"We can't wait for the Order! We must go there!" Ron said.
"We must make sure Hermione knows we are here."
9. What happened to Colin? At first it kind of starrred him, but then he was hardly mentioned at all!
10. "Then Harry realized!"--- Incompete sentence.
11. "The Death Eaters, seeing that their Master was truly gone, surrendered themselves to the Order."--- OoC! The Death Eaters would never do that!
12. ""Expelliarmus!" a voice familiar yelled" Flip the words around! ;-)
13. "Harry could see himself and Ron being carried threw different rooms"--- through not threw
14. "Your son is a true blessing to us!" Voldemort said to Lucius."--- OoC, Voldemort is not a praising person.
The End. Alright- I think this story has some REAL potentail, that is why I told you all of your mistakes. The portal thing as a portrait is a VERY good idea! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings- If I did I'm SO sorry. I would recomend getting a beta! HPFF has so many great ones- just post an ad on the boards! I would love to be yours, but I assume you're not exactly happy with me becuase of this review-lol. So nice overall plot- but it needs some work! Good luck, and keep writing! You have some real potential!
Author's Response: Thank u very much!!! this is the first serious review i have received. it shows hat u have trully read my story. not even in a thousand years i would get angry at u for writing it:) as for the beta thingy i dont know what ur talkin abt but i will find out Report Review
Only Hermione died? You should have made it so that when Harry killed Voldemort they exploded and caused a chain reaction and everyone in the world spontaneouly cumbusted (everyone caught on fire)and the world as we knew it was no more! THAT would have been a really funny story because if it did happen who whould tell about it?Author's Response: lol..it really would hve been a funny one..but i didin't want it to be funny...if u really tase good humour..read "the true way harry died"...my funniest ff;)
I'm craying right now... how could you right such an awful story.. I'm not reading any story like that enymoreAuthor's Response: :))) it is supposed to make u cry..it made me cry too..but i stii look at it as one of my best...hope u didn't mean it..these stories have their own "charm" Report Review
Interesting. I liked it though. Keep up the good work. :)Author's Response: :) tks! u2!:) Report Review
ohhh this is soo sad but definetly one of the BEST fanfics!!Author's Response: tks a lot! i'm so glad u liked it!
it's one of my favs too Report Review
awesome short!Author's Response: too short? well....to be honest i hate writing a lot! tks anyway Report Review
Hey yea I agree with the last one...
Author's Response: tks! glad u liked it! Report Review
Cool. So sad though. Poor Hermione! You are a good writer, not many people could do a story like this in only one chapter. Author's Response: well...tks! but this is not a good writing skill...it's just a lack of patience...tks thou... Report Review
Very nice story, original and emotional. Good job Christina.Author's Response: tks...glad u liked it! Report Review
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