sooo lovely guys, i haven't been on this site for a while but i rmmbrd u'r stuff, i see that u haven't been on for a while either but i hope u start writing again someday :) Report Review
Wow...Lily can be hilarius sometimes. That's why I love her. YAY for funniness!!! 19/10 Report Review
I think your story is Great! Write more! Report Review
that was pretty funny. i was laughing while reading that dance part. i loved it so much. Report Review
omg, that is the cutest thing ever! they have such loyal friends! you are so good at writing amazing fan fics! Report Review
Aww, that was really cool! Good job,
Love xX mOoNdAnCe Xx Report Review
oh...that's so sweet! *tear* lol, completely and utterly gorgiemonous!
Wierdo for=that is a very well written story you have here Report Review
AHHH! That was really sweet. :7) Report Review
this was great! i loved it Report Review
This story was so adorable. Well, you know, besides Lily and her craziness (: I love the way you went with "Save the last dance for me." Very nice. Report Review
Sirius played the *snigger* bagpipes.HAHAHAHA. THE BEST LINE IN THIS!! i wish i had friends like that.. =] thats so cute!!! Report Review
"His great-grandmother’s second cousin’s aunt’s husband’s daughter-in-law’s son" would probably be about the age of his grandmother, right? I mean, two generations 'up' and two 'down', and we've got two left, where grandma is...;) Sorry, I love those things. Funny :)
This was very funny and entertaining. I smiled all the time, it made me happy:) And it was very, very cute. I can imagine the two of them dancing in their PJs. Fun:) Great work;) Report Review
CURRENTLY LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF...!!!!!!! hahaahaha i luv it!!!! sirius playing the bagpipes!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL ok.....calm down..hehe you forgot the big finale though!!!! the KISSSSSS!!!!!!!!MWAH! yah! im hYpeR right now.... yay! i luv ur story kk ur lyk shut the hell up u PREPPY FREAK dont worry im not a prep...lol (LOL) anyway.....yeah...write more soon!!!! huggies~kimmie Report Review
aw it's beautiful lili's friends really are mischuviouse Report Review
This is good, not the predictable Christmas Eve ball thing. And I really liked the ending too.Author's Response: Really? Thanks! Report Review
Yessss!!! I am so glade you're back and that I have found you again or what ever it was!! Either way, I have missed you horribly. This is a fantastic story, you should enter it in the challenge for this song on the fourms! I've missed you so much. And dobby, Pipper has moved on too, so now it is just storms. I know how you feel.
(ps. Pretending to be perfect, has been compleatly re edited ;-)Author's Response: Really? Awesome! Report Review
Author's Response: Aw... Report Review
Awww, that was really sweet. Pretty funny, too. Great job! Author's Response: thanks Report Review
Loved it. [:Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
that was pretty funny
sirius playing the bagpipes-snigger
=DAuthor's Response: thanks. Report Review
First off, the minor mistakes.
The voice was coming from behind a suit of armour.
James jogged over to the suit of armour, /avoid repetition, use ‘it’ instead/.
I can see straight through you guys. should be ‘I can see right through you guys.
If looks could kill, all of them would be six foot under. Six FEET under…
Truth to be told, they… ‘Truth be told’ is correct.
They were looked quite gentlemanly in their tuxes They were OR they looked…
She wish she had taken up She wished…
You tend to overuse some words like 'guys', 'bored', 'never mind', 'suddenly'…
but never mind about that. You don't need to include that phrase.
Now, let’s proceed with some CC, concerning the general idea and plot. I really think this is a parody, and here are the reasons:
1. Lily and Sirius are not friends in the books! Nothing even near to friends. There is no plausibility to the canon characters.
2. You might want to reconsider Lily's behaviour. She sounds like a screaming little Pandora’s box, when in fact she is so much more than that. But maybe that was your point. It is entertaining, but they are all other people, not our beloved characters.
3. I cannot imagine them all hugging, really. And they did it twice!
4. Aren't you exaggerating a little? I cannot imagine a girl screaming at the top of her lungs whenever she is annoyed, mad, or simply bored!
5. Oh, and most of Rowlings' characters don't repeat 'guys' all the time!
6. ARE THEY ALWAYS BORED? Isn't there something in this school that they can actually do to avoid boredom?!
7. And the culmination was when they started playing instruments!
Now, some serious suggestions:
Everyone rushes to say 'she was not the same any more' and 'she has changed since'. I guess it is more acceptable here, that being a one-shot, but in longer stories it leaves the reader with the impression that you were too lazy to 'show' them what you mean. And then you go with the telling about their personality as well, not showing it by the way that they act, for example. Since it is a one-shot, you don't need to describe the physical appearance /also sometimes too much detail becomes tiring to follow/ of all the characters, seeing that they don't need introduction for later chapters!
This has never happened to me before. I spotted a sentence that I think it sounds implausible, but I have no idea what the reason is! I am sorry for not being able to help with that, but I wanted to at least point that out. and I wrote letters to all of the Marauders' families Maybe I got surprised by her being friends with only James automatically turns her into a friend of the other Marauders as well.
but Sirius can stay, but he couldn't find you.
Sorry to tell you the news, but some of the lines in the dialogue sound incoherent. Try to vary simple with complex sentences, and always look for the connection between the last and next.
"Oh." Now Lily felt really, really, really stupid. "Sorry, I-" You are definitely overdoing that repeating thing. In the beginning it seemed like a pattern, but now it seems not in place and just superfluous.
Also, there are TOO MANY YES AND NO-ES!
What is more, HALF OF THE CHAPTER is mainly about 'yes', 'no', 'very', and 'really' words.
or even adopted ones like Sirius Black.
Adopted ones? Are you talking about the Potters? I doubt that they adopted him, he just lived with them.
So, to put it simply, this was a phenomenon.
Phenomenon? Okay, is it just me, or does this fact have nothing to do with the story's plot?! And I doubt that a squib would be taking classes. It's good that you have new ideas, but I wouldn't recommend too much implausibility and few connections to the books.
And finally, some parts that I enjoyed reading.
The beginning was dynamic. There is a lot of dialogue throughout, and that’s good, it keeps the reader’s attention.
I like that you use gradation. In the beginning I noticed that you used it with Lily, Very sick. SICK! SICK! SICK! Or else she might have been very very very sick. Then, you use the pebble for a literary means of expressing Lily's uneasiness, and you say She kicked a pebble… Last year… Not this year. And you repeat 'last year', and at the same time she kicks the little pebble. Nice touch.
I also liked the glimpses of the other couples, and the way you ‘show’ the reader the emotional condition of your characters.
The song in the end is a good touch, but the story gets tiring, because of its length.All in all, that chapter would have been better if you had cut some additional parts, and made it shorter.
It really was sweet of James.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review... we really should have picked a different one for you to crit, though, because this was humour and not very great writing - we write WAY better normally, this is just such an old piece. Report Review
awww, this was lovely! so cute, so fluffy! very funny too =]
-invisible_spirit Report Review
Loved this whole story! But especially, the Hula-skirt part with Sirius, that part made me laugh like mad, and the thirty-fourth time that year that James had walked into something because of Lily and Sirius bagpipe. Anyway, awsome story. Report Review
Haha, that was so cute. It made me laugh, I really liked it! Good job! -Cutie01Author's Response: Thanks! Report Review
aaawww....I just live L/J fanfics!!!!Author's Response: Thanks. Report Review
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